A/N: Sorry for the wait – didn't quite get it ready for yesterday as I had promised myself. Thanks again for reading and for all the kind words! Please enjoy :)
"It appears Fiona has booked a flight. She really is coming back."
"When's the last time you saw her?"
Cordelia thought about it. "Two years I think. That was the last time we both lived in Boston. Over the next six months, I went back and forth setting up here. We talk on the phone sometimes, though."
"Wait, does that mean you've been here for almost two years and I only just found you now?" Misty's eyes shone with disbelief and perhaps regret. Cordelia looked down at her from her sitting position, not sure how to say that she felt the same regret.
The summer was nearing its end, but it would still be long before the wind grew cold enough to chase them inside. Cordelia loved the atmosphere of Misty's little shack, but more so the feel of her garden, which was just as private this deep into the forest. So closed off from the world.
She tried to explain: "I rarely go this deep alone. It was only because…" She trailed off again. It was only because Hank had said so many cruel things she needed to get as far away as possible as fast as possible.
"Are you ever gonna tell me what that fight was about?" Misty asked and sat up, ready to listen.
Cordelia sighed, tried to wave if off. "It was just a silly quarrel. Hank is drinking, probably more than he cares to admit, and you remember how much Fiona used to drink – I don't even know if she still does that, but it wouldn't surprise me – and it just hit a sore spot with me that day. I told him he should stop hiding it, since he was doing such a poor job anyway and he said he only drank, because he didn't know how to handle me, when I'm in a 'mood'. That's what he calls it. And then he told me there's something wrong with me." Cordelia spoke of the past fight with a casual voice. It wasn't the first time Hank had thrown these words at her. He didn't use to do that. At first, he would hold it in, but her illness had always scared him, she knew. He tried his best to hide it, but it showed. Now as the drinks emptied quicker his fears came to words faster. But by now she had had plenty of time to calm down, and they didn't sting as much.
Misty didn't take it with the same ease.
"There's nothin' wrong with you, Delia! How dare he say that? God, I could just…" She didn't finish the sentence, but Cordelia knew that look. She hadn't seen it in a long time, but she remembered it quite well from the times she told Misty about the bullying as a child.
"Oh but there is- it's okay, Misty, don't mind it. I wasn't particularly nice to him either."
"Don't tell me it's okay! Your husband shouldn't talk to you like that! No one should."
Cordelia chuckled. She wasn't sure why she was suddenly nervous again. "How should he talk to me then? It's not like it wasn't true."
"I don't care if some doctor found a lack of whatever-you-said-t'was in your brain, it doesn't give anyone the right to throw it in your face!" Misty almost yelled it out. She swallowed once and continued in a softer voice: "He should only say nice things to you. He should tell you how beautiful and amazin' you are, how kind, how selfless you are, how…" She trailed off, but stared at the blushing Cordelia and let her eyes speak the rest. They said more than any word could and with such intensity, Cordelia felt her whole body warm up again. Her breathing suddenly took more effort and she really had to go somewhere else, because she had a pretty good idea of what would happen within the next minute, if she didn't.
"I-I have to get a glass of water." She didn't wait for Misty's answer, but got up and almost fled inside. She stood over the sink for a moment in the sudden dark and tried to calm her frantic heart. When she heard steps she reached for a glass and had it filled once Misty stood beside her.
"I'm not sayin' I wanna ignore what's in your head. If the doctor says you should take medicine, I'm sure he's right. But doesn't mean…" Misty struggled for words. Cordelia, currently dedicated to emptying her glass, felt a hand tug at her own. She met Misty's gaze and understood perfectly what it was Misty had trouble formulating. And her gaze was so loaded with adoration Cordelia had to swallow once, because her throat felt too tight to breathe through. The tension she had tried to escape outside seemed to be latched onto her still, building in the space between them.
"I know", she choked out.
Misty offered her a lopsided smile. "Good."
Cordelia sat down the glass, but her other hand hadn't let go of Misty's yet. And she didn't want to. She only wanted to pull her closer and the urge became so strong it made her head spin.
"I have to go", she gasped and let go of Misty's hand, as her feet dragged her towards the door. She almost ran, she was out of the door and the fading sunlight hit her, when…
"Cordelia."
The rare use of her full name made Cordelia freeze to the spot with her heart pounding as if she had just sprinted a mile. She could hear the sound of Misty's feet coming closer, slowly, tentatively. Cordelia knew that if she said no this time, it would be the end of it, this thing that had grown – possibly for years she admitted – and perhaps their friendship too. She couldn't bear it. She couldn't bear the thought of never feeling like that again, never feel so alive. If she walked away now her body would go back to sleep and stay sedated forever.
Misty's steps silenced. Cordelia closed her eyes and drew in a shaky breath.
Then she turned around to find Misty standing in the doorway, her eyes instantly locked on Cordelia's own. Cordelia took the two steps and crashed into her, lips first, with such force it made them back into the shack again. She buried her hands in Misty's unruly curls and in the dim light of the shack, it was as if the entire world ceased to exist. Misty pulled at her with need guiding her every movement, she poured every ounce of her ferocity into it and Cordelia couldn't remember the last time someone had kissed her like this. Like the earth would stop moving if they did. Like even if the earth did stop moving, she wouldn't care. Something, somewhere in her head was making her aware that she was crossing into dangerous territory, but she couldn't bring herself to care, she could barely think. All she knew was that she never wanted to stop, even though she knew she absolutely should.
When the time came, it was Misty who broke the kiss to catch her breath. And she beamed brighter than the sun. Neither of them spoke. Misty's hands were still fisted in Cordelia's dress, as if afraid she would run away again. Cordelia wouldn't dream of it. Not this time. It felt different, like something had clicked into place instead of hitting her in the head with shock like the first time. Her hands slid out from Misty's hair and rested at her neck instead. She could feel Misty's rapid pulse through her skin and not just in her hands but everywhere, as they stood there, pressed up against each other. She felt at home here, she realized.
Cordelia finally regained control over her body and smiled back at Misty. She silently wished to stay here in the moment for all eternity, so to keep from facing the consequences of she had just done. Misty seemed to sense it, because she reached down for another kiss. It was much softer this time, heartfelt in another way. Cordelia felt like her entire body melted away, blood and bone, until there was only her fraction of their kindred spirit left to float in the warm air of home.
That night Cordelia went home to a very confused Hank, who couldn't possibly understand why she was in such a good mood all of a sudden. For now, the bone deep sensation of warmth overshadowed the guilt, and she couldn't suppress the smile. She tried to cover it up of course, act normal, but with little success. In his eagerness to understand, Hank accidently gave her a way out.
"Is it because of that treatment your doctor started?"
"Oh, well yes, I suppose it is. It does involve some hormone changes. He warned me of that." It wasn't entirely untrue after all, she had started the treatment. She just hadn't felt any real effects yet.
Hank shrugged it off after that. "As long as it works", he said and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Now that she appeared to be in a much lighter state of mind, he wasn't afraid to touch her.
Cordelia didn't sleep much better, but for different reasons now. She lay awake many a night, thinking about Misty and their time together. It felt natural again, but in a different way as they moved into this new territory. When they greeted each other it was with kisses now, and new kinds of pleasant silences arose as they found their lips occupied with something other than talking.
They hadn't taken it further than that yet. The thought still scared Cordelia. She didn't need to voice it, because as with so many other things, Misty understood, no words needed. Cordelia was grateful she didn't have to speak of her fears, because she wasn't that sure she could. Parallel to this there was a constant nagging deep within her chest, telling her that what she was doing was against the vows she had once taken. But was it really cheating? Was this really anything but a new and more physical way to express the connection they had, that they have always shared, probably since the day they met? And wasn't she allowed to feel happy with Misty after all the hurt her mere name used to associate with? Cordelia didn't tell Hank any of this, which should have told her something, but instead she pushed it away and left the space for happier thoughts. God knows she had earned the right to some of those for once.
O0O
Women are loaded with hormones. So full, they can spill over at any minute. Hank's father used to tell him that, when he became a teenager. It was his way of telling Hank to be careful before choosing one to settle down with. Hank didn't do such a great job avoiding the really hormonal ones, it seemed, but again, according to his father, all women were alike. Hank rarely agreed with his father, which included his view on woman, but at the moment he was inclined to admit the man was onto something. Cordelia had alternated between hanging in the clouds and hitting the basement without the slightest warming quite frequently in the past days. What worried him was that she was usually happy coming home, but as the night went on her mood fell again. Hank couldn't help but worry that he was doing something wrong. He never bragged about knowing women. He had learned, very early in their relationship, that asking his wife if her borderline schizophrenic mood swings were due to 'that time of month' was extremely unwise. Yet the question still rolled around on his tongue whenever she pulled a stunt like today.
Cordelia came home with a poorly hidden smile on her face, causing Hank to ask, curiously:
"What are you smiling about?"
He should always remember the old saying that you can ruin a thing by talking about it, because he seemed to have done just that. Cordelia's smile fell as soon as he asked. He could see it in her face that he had done something wrong, but as countless of times before, he just had no clue what it was.
"Oh it was just a nice day with the kids."
"Okay. Great. Did you swing by Misty again?"
"I did."
It only went downhill from there.
Hank often gave a little thoughts here and there to the mysterious childhood friend of Cordelia's, living in the swamps. Like what kind of person lives in the swamps? According to Cordelia, she didn't have any education, because she was an orphan wild child and never went to school. Hank had never met any wild children and he had only the Mowgli to compare to, which spawned a bunch of scenarios involving this child – with blonde curly hair apparently – dancing around with swamp rabbits and foxes and alligators. What other animals did the Louisiana swamp have? He thought of bears and snakes and soon he had the whole cast of the Jungle Book pictured. And Cordelia wasn't much help. She didn't talk much about Misty anymore, which made Hank think she was trying to keep them separate from each other for some reason.
"Misty's not that taken with people", she had said. Was that code for 'she doesn't like you, Hank'?
To satisfy his curiosity he sometimes asked over dinner what she was like and often got the same answer he did today:
"She's… it's difficult to explain, because I doubt anyone see her like I do anyway."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sometimes this would cause her to snap something at him with an impatient voice and it started out that way, but to Hank's surprise, she continued.
"I can't explain it, Hank. She's very in touch with nature, she's… feral somehow, but at the same time she has the most gentle heart. She has room for everything, but she's chary when it comes to people. She makes good tea." The last addition caused a crooked smile to break out on Cordelia's face. Hank hadn't seen one of those in a while.
"Okay, so do I ever get to meet her?"
"Oh um, sure. Someday."
And that was the end of it. It made Hank think that her friend wasn't the only one being mysterious, but he let it slide for now.
Trouble came later that night, when he walked in on Cordelia changing; something he didn't do often, because he knew it bothered her, when he saw her scars. What was so different tonight was that when he looked, at first he saw none. Cordelia stood in her underwear and her otherwise so scarred thighs were now only pale and almost smooth.
"Babe, what happened to all your scars?" He blurted out. For a moment he was so staggered, he forgot to tiptoe around the word.
Cordelia quickly looked down at herself with an 'oh' and covered herself up. Hank thought it was a weird thing to do – why cover yourself up when you're looking better?
"Are they gone?"
She stared at him for a moment as if unsure what to say. Hank must have looked equally perplexed. Finally she said: "Well not all of them, but…"
"How?" He couldn't help stepping closer to look.
"Hank, you're staring."
"Of course I am! You're… Well your skin looks so… How did you do this?" He looked up at her and didn't understand why she looked so irresolute. Like she was withholding something.
She sighed once. "Misty did it." She made it sound like some huge confession. Hank took a seat, because something about his wife's expression told him this was a serious thing.
"How did she do it? I mean I thought they couldn't be removed."
Cordelia sat down beside him and looked him in the eye. "If I tell you, you can't tell anyone else, okay? Anyone."
"I won't, I promise. What's going on?"
"Misty has a skill of sorts, when it comes to healing."
"Healing? Are you trying to tell me she's a witch or something?"
Cordelia chuckled with one of those little nervous laughs he had always found ridiculously attractive. "I guess you could say that. If it makes it easier."
"So she healed you. Well that's great! It looks much better, it's like nothing happened at all! Does this mean I get to look at you now?"
He could see it in her eyes instantly that he had just said the worst possible thing. Her whole face darkened and she looked away. She mumbled something intelligible.
"What was that?"
When she looked at him again, there was a quiet fire in her eyes just waiting to burst. "You always focus on the things that's wrong with me. You're only relieved I don't look as broken anymore, instead of accepting me as I am."
"I only said it was looking good now!"
"Because I was so horrible to look at before?" She got up from the bed and threw the robe around her slender body, covering the core of their problems. Her voice was reaching that dangerous pitch, and Hank knew deep down the worst thing was to agitate her further, but he could feel a fury building.
"Stop twisting what I'm saying! I promised you I would disregard their existence, if you wanted me to and I did that!" He got up too, his voice building, because she was about to flee the room and he hated when she did that. It was always either the forest of the bathroom and none of those were good.
"I wanted you to accept that they were there!"
"That's the same thing!"
"No it's not!" The fire flared in her eyes behind the glossy exterior.
"Look, I don't know what you want from me now? I don't look because you get mad when I do. And now you get mad at me for not looking either? I can't win with you!"
"Why does it have to be about you? Why can't you help me, instead of making it about you? You're always avoiding it, afraid to touch me like my depression will infect you!" She was in tears now and her voice trembled from it.
"That's bullshit! I don't do that! I want to help you, you know that, just tell me how!"
"I can't! I don't fucking know! I'm the damaged one, I don't know." Her voice broke apart in the end and the tears were streaming down her cheeks. Without another word, she turned on her heel and ran out of the room.
Watching her run away felt like a cold shower, forcing him back to his senses. The regret felt like ice stabs in his gut and he ran after her.
"Cordelia!"
Cordelia slammed the bathroom door. He could hear her crying on the other side.
"Cordelia, I'm sorry."
"Just go away."
"No, let me in please." He tried to turn the handle, but she had locked the door. Locked in with all the razor blades. He really had to start hiding those. "Open up!"
"Go away Hank!" She screamed.
His anger flared up, culminated with the cold in his gut and he hit the wall with an frustrated grunt. Then he went down stairs for a drink. Or three.
O0O
Misty had never before experienced such pleasurable detachment from the world around her. She sat on Cordelia's lap, straddling her, as close as she could possibly get. She was held, mind and body, in a feverish haze of touching lips and breathing only sufficient to keep the moment going. Misty felt utterly intoxicated by everything about it, from the thick air filled with Cordelia's familiar, yet slightly different, perfumed scent, to the little humming noises she made. It had been light out when they settled in on the bed, but now an emerging twilight hovered outside the perimeter of Misty's tiny world. One of Cordelia's hands left its position at Misty's waist to slowly – so excruciatingly slow – move up her thigh, pushing her dress upwards in the motion. When it ran out of lane, her hand clawed and Misty felt short nails scrape against her skin. She gasped and stifled the sudden urge to roll her hips, as heat pulsated through her. Misty only vaguely remembered feeling something like this as a teenager, but never this strong. This was playing with her sanity.
She let go of Cordelia's lips for just a moment, to take air in and drank the soft snicker ringing in her ears. She heard Cordelia's voice then, in fractions and sounding thick with the same haze, Misty felt clouding her brain.
"I didn't know I could feel like this", she said before taking another kiss. "I mean I knew I was…" And another. "But not like this." The next one hit her throat and Misty swallowed a moan. There were embers of that long lost low-burn heating up in her stomach. "Doesn't it frighten you?"
"No", Misty breathed. She wasn't really up for conversation, but obliged Cordelia's need to word the situation. She moved away just an inch to catch Cordelia's eyes, in case her words didn't say enough. "I've always known, Delia. I've wanted to kiss you like this since I hit puberty."
Misty was still trying to comprehend that her feverish teenage dream was finally playing out. And whatever life went on outside the forest, she disregarded, because she had only room for this. This feeling, this guarded angel between her two hands. She had never imagined touching another human being could feel so good. Today she wanted no more words from her partner, only the warmth of her embrace and the divine taste of her mouth. Misty leaned down for another taste, entangling her fingers in Cordelia's silky hair and prepared to ascend to the cloud, she had been floating on for the past few days, when a loud, intrusive tune made her jump. She realized it was Cordelia's phone.
Cordelia groaned in frustration and shot a regretful glance at the phone buzzing on the table.
"I should take that."
She looked at Misty, who realized she was keeping her from moving, and Misty reluctantly crawled off, so Cordelia could reach her phone.
She mouthed 'Hank' as she answered.
"Yes?"
Misty could only hear a distorted buzzing of a voice at the other end, but did nothing to improve her eavesdropping opportunity. She secretly wanted to grab the phone and toss it out the window instead, but she behaved.
"I am", Cordelia said. Misty watched her face for signs that anything was wrong. Cordelia hadn't told her husband about them. Honestly, Misty couldn't see what kind of claim that little piece of shiny metal on her finger had over her. It couldn't possibly mean more than this. But Misty didn't say this. She knew Cordelia understood her view on things and it was ultimately up to her. There was nothing Misty could do about it.
Cordelia started to look irritated.
"Are you complaining about me spending time with friends now?" More buzzing, which made Cordelia roll her eyes in a way that brought out just a hint of her otherwise well concealed relation to Fiona. "Yes, I do realize Misty is not plural."
There was more buzzing and then Cordelia got up and took her phone call outside. Misty let herself fall back on the bed, listening for changes in Cordelia's voice, as the smoldering embers in her lower stomach started to subside.
She came in shortly after, looking irritated.
"You okay?"
She nodded. "He's just being difficult. I should head home though. I have some assignments from my second grade I need to look over."
"You could just do that here?"
Cordelia gave her a regretful smile. "I don't have them with me. Besides…" She leaned in over Misty, close to her face but lips not yet touching. "I doubt I would be able to concentrate."
Misty couldn't argue with that. Every thought in her head had already been wiped away. She flashed Cordelia a wide grin and pulled her down. She almost managed to drag her down onto the bed, when Cordelia stood up again. Misty groaned in frustration. Cordelia disappeared out of her view and it took Misty a moment to get up. Her body still wasn't quite itself, sort of dazed and slow reacting.
Cordelia squealed a moment later, making Misty fly up and then choke down her laughter as Cordelia comically jumped back from the doorway. Nick had shown his scaly face.
"He's startin' to like you! He'd never come this close if not."
"Well that's, um, nice. Can you please?" She gestured towards the small alligator in the doorway. Misty snickered and chased him away to clear the door.
"He won't bite you, I told you."
"So you say, but…"
"Don't you trust me?"
"Of course I do! It's the dinosaur's cousin out there I don't trust." She looked horrified for a moment. "He doesn't understand me, does he?"
Misty couldn't help but laugh at the look on her face. When Cordelia started to look offended, Misty kissed her, effectively wiping the frown away.
"No, don't worry. See you tomorrow, darlin'."
They hugged and then Cordelia was on her way. As Misty stood in her door, watching her leave, Nick crawled back.
"I'm glad you listen, Nick. No one can hurt my Delia. And you can't eat her husband either, if he ever comes here, okay? She wouldn't like that."
The alligator stopped ruffling around and laid still by her garden. Misty smiled at it. "Thanks for understandin', Nick. I appreciate it." Misty went inside, turned on her radio and threw herself back on the bed. She sang along to a couple of Stevie's best hits and tried to picture what could have happened if Hank had never called.
