Now

The drive home is somewhat uncomfortable.

The problem in my pants strains painfully in my jeans as I drive at least twenty miles over the speed limit to get home. I can't even think about what has transpired until I take care of the more physical responses to my conversation with Rebecca.

I'm home in record time.

I hit the shower immediately and within minutes I find the release I'd been needing ever since I kissed her.

I kissed her. And she kissed me back.

And for the first time in five years, I feel like we are making progress.

It's been a bumpy road. In the beginning, I wasnt sure how this would all work. But she assured me that it was what she wanted.

In so many words.

Because words aren't really Rebecca's thing. At least not with me.

I never cheated on Katy. We ran hot and cold so many times that I often wondered what I was going back to.

But then I remembered what it was like to love someone and not have them love you back, so I figured if I couldn't have Rebecca, then I would go back to what was easy, what was comfortable. Something I didn't have a lot of stake in.

But it didn't make me happy.

Sure I smile for the camera, win scoring titles, fight like hell for a game I love. But that completion? That wholeness?

Finding that person who makes you feel more like you, than you ever thought possible?

I want that.

I want that with Rebecca.

And I'm going to get it.

How is another story.

In the beginning my charm affected her. An easy smile, a nudge here or there and I'd get to see her turn an adorable shade of red. The hard exterior she tried so hard to maintain would crack. Now, it's a little more challenging. I know that she cares about me. Maybe even loves me. I don't know where things went wrong, scratch that, I do know, but I don't want to think about that right now. What I need to focus on is how we can turn this around. I analyze the situation. Look at it from all angles and visualize the outcome.

It works for my game, why not my love life?


"You need to woo her."

Kuni's voice shakes me from the fog I've entered. We're peeling off our pads after practice at the Consol and right before the press scrum makes their way towards my stall, I see Rebecca.

It's the first time I've seen her since we kissed. We're leaving tonight for the Saturday game in Philly and with the roster changing so much lately, I assume she's dropping off some last minute stuff to Dana and the guys. I watch her as she crosses the locker room, she's dressed in a dark skirt and blazer, her hair pulled up in a tidy ponytail. I take in her profile, the blush on her cheeks, the makeup that accentuates her green eyes. She stares straight ahead, walking purposely, the folders cradled firmly in her bent arm. She smiles prettily at some of the guys she encounters in her path and I know she's refusing to look in my direction. But my eyes follow her none the less. She speaks with the trainers for a few minutes, then turns on her heel and walks back out.

But before she does, I see it. My eyesight is perfect. I track people's moves for a living. Just as she crosses past my direct line of vision, for judt a split second she blinks and she glances.

At me.

It's so slight, but it's there.

And it seems Kuni sees it too.

I ignore him at first, but then he gives me a shove, "Did you hear me?"

I need to play this off.

No one knows about what Rebecca and I had.

Have.

We've managed to keep it secret for all these years, there is no way one little glance is going to ruin this.

If people know, if they find out? Well, then it's over before it's even begun.

"I dont know what you're talking about." I mumble. It's not my best performance at lying.

"Dude, it's so obvious," Kuni says, clearly amused. Then his voice gets quiet, "I've known for years. It's ok."

My head whips in his direction and the shock is evident as my own shade of red heats my face. I wipe my towel across my eyes to play it off as sweat from practice.

I have so many questions for him, but I don't even get a chance to react before twenty microphones and iPhones are in my face and the questions start coming at rapid fire.


"When?" I ask, as I slide into the empty seat next to him on the plane. The seat belongs to Duper, but since he's out the rest of the season, I'm able to leave my usual spot next to Flower and settle in next to Chris.

He's startled by my arrival, but recovers quickly. He looks up at the top of the plane, as if he's doing the math. My pulse is racing, awaiting his response.

"Well I had a feeling during the finals, but I knew for sure just before the Classic."

My mind flashes to that December and I know exactly what he is talking about. The night of the Christmas party, lots of eggnog and a quick detour to my suite. Afterwards, on the way back downstairs, by the elevator there had been mistletoe. Feeling bold I'd kissed her, fully realizing it was the most public display of affection we'd ever shown.

"You saw us in the hallway." I say simply.

Kunitz nods. "Yeah, but man, you know it wasn't just that, it's everytime you two are in the same room. You can feel it. I just dont know why you haven't done anything about it."

That night in December, my life had been perfect. I was feeling great, at the top of my game and I thought finally something was happening with Rebecca. But then came the concussion and we...lost touch. Really, I just shut down and shut her out. Shut everyone out. The next time...it was different. Colder, more methodical. Still I held onto it, to her, to whatever we were doing. But it was different.

And now I begin to talk. Quiet, hushed, huddled in the row, it's late so most of the guys are sleeping or have their headphones on. Still I keep my voice low and I tell him everything.

And there is a freedom in telling.

When I'm done, Chris lets out a low whistle. He doesnt tell me how fucked up it all is. I dont need him for that and he knows it.

"So, like I said, we need to do some wooing." Chris says after a few minutes of deep thinking. "A little more than I originally thought, but this is doable."

And then like we're in the middle of some grade six slumber party he starts giving me tips.

And they are actually not bad.

"So, when I met Maureen, she didnt like me very much. I had to work at it. Figure out what she liked, common interests, show an interest. You know, that kind of stuff. Make her know that she was important, that she was worth it."

This conversation is painful. Common interests? Likes? Well up until 11 months ago our common interest was having sex and the like sex with each other.

But to a degree Kuni is right. What I know about Rebecca is what I knew five years ago. She's changed, I've changed and to be honest I dont know her very well. So I'm going to start from scratch.

We spend the duration of the flight talking candidly, all self consciousness thrown out the plane window. My winger and friend gives me advice and ideas and finally a clap on the back. "You're a good guy Sid, I know you're worth it, show Rebecca she is too."

I think about Kuni's words the rest of the weekend. It's a pretty shitty one, we lose the home and home games to the Flyers. And by Sunday night I'm exhausted. But

that doesn't stop me from logging onto my laptop to start studying. Only instead of tape, I'm studying Rebecca. Or trying to. She doesn't have much in terms of social media. But through some searching I discover an Instagram account under the name Rebecca Cooper with the user name pontsburghlens I scan the photos and instantly I know its Rebecca's. There are pictures of her dad and Molly, pictures of elaborate meals and sunsets, and then there are pictures of bridges. Tons of them. Not just in Pittsburgh either. Bridges from all over the world. And these aren't iPhone shots either, they are real pictures, beautiful photographs of places all over the world. Through the Instagram account I pour over the images that make up her life. From simple shots of Starbucks coffee drinks with captions that read "morning must have", to a screen shot of some TV show with the tagline, "weekend binge." Along with the bridges there are also pictures of Rebecca on hiking trails and in oceans, standing in front of statues and sitting in restaurants holding large glasses of wine. And I looked through this site, this lens of Rebecca I began to learn more about her. To know that she has this life, this full life that I know nothing about is bittersweet. All these years, I've had just a glimpse of her, just a snippet of who she is, when there is more. So much more.

And I begin to take notes. Literally writing down everything I can absorb. It may be corny or cheesy, but yes, I do need to woo her. I need to show her that this life that she's carved out for herself, I want in. I want to be in those pictures, well maybe not the public ones, but I want to be there. And that there is a way for us to be together, to throw out all the junk that clogs our history and make a path for something new.

But I have to convince her and if the other night is any indication it is not going to be easy, but I'm up for the challenge.

After all, she is worth it.


Then

"Oh."

That's all she says. Her head is on a carnival ride and she's spinning. Her heart seems to have gotten on as well.

He's looking at her sad and regretful. Embarassed and cautious. And she's staring at him dumbly. Waiting for her brain to get off the ride and come back to her.

Waiting for her heart to stop squeezing in that unfamiliar way.

And all she can say is, "oh."

The faint sounds of the city serve as the soundtrack to this pathetic tv movie she's landed herself in. Nerdy girl falls for the popular jock and gives herself the grand illusion that he could possibly like her back until the mean girl, usually the girlfriend of the jock humiliates the nerd in some uncreative and completely predictable way.

Somehow in the end, the nerdy girl prevails. She sheds the ponytail and the glasses and gets the guy.

Only Rebecca doesn't wear glasses, but there is a girlfriend.

There is always a girlfriend.

She stands up quickly, too quickly and sways a bit.

Sid stands up too, his hands come out awkwardly and hang uselessly around her, careful not to actually touch her.

"I'm okay," she mumbles as she realizes she needs to go. Now.

"Look, I didn't mean to..." Sid trails off not sure what to say next.

"No," Rebecca puts up a hand, holding him off. "Please, don't say anything. Really. It's my fault. I got...overly emotional and made a poor decision. I apologize for putting you in that uncomfortable position." She's straightens her spine and tries to sound detached. When all she is thinking is, I have to get out of here.

Their moment or whatever it was that just passed, when the connection between them seemed so electric, so in sync, seems like an eternity ago. Now all that is left is strange politeness and weird shuffling.

"I'm going to call a cab." Rebecca says quickly, digging into her phone. Sid just stands there and nods. It's a good idea. Ending whatever this is, is a good idea.

"Ok," he says lamely. He's now just standing there, watching her. His hands safe and secure in the pockets of his jeans, as he rocks back and forth on his heels.

They walk quietly and awkwardly down the stairs, hurridly past Max's bedroom door. Finally they make it out onto the street. It's late and the streets are quiet.

It's snow is falling softly and with the warm air it's actually a perfect moment to be outside. The trees and streets are cloaked in snow and the flakes continue to fall silently.

"I'll wait with you."

"You dont have to."

"I dont mind."

"I'd rather you didn-"

"Do you have to fight me on every occasion?"

His voice is sharp and irritated and Rebecca cant help but think he has a lot of nerve being irritated with her. Doesnt he see how humiliating this is? How one minute he's holding her and touching her and doing all these things that make her heart race and the next that there is someone else. That his heart doesn't race for her in return?

And she doesn't want to fight, so they stand there. Silent. The snow falls around them as they wait for the moment to end.

Finally the yellow cab appears from around the corner and stops in front of the pair. Sid pulls his coat up and his hat down so not to have to make small talk with the driver.

"Bye," she says, giving him a quick side glance. It's the first time she's looked at him since coming outside.

"Merry Christmas." It's so faint that she almost misses it. But she looks at him and she can see how badly he feels. His cheeks are red, his eyes soft and suddenly she doesn't want this moment to end anymore. She's leaving for break and won't be back to the Igloo for weeks. So instead she takes a picture in her mind of this second in time and hopes it will fortify her for the next three weeks.

"Merry Christmas Sid," she replies.

And their moment is over.


The letter is waiting for her when she gets home the next day.

"I wanted to surprise you," said Daniel, when he handed Rebecca the thick packet with the Yale insignia in the upper left corner. He looked at her earnestly, his eyes filled with a pride that made all late nights studying and cramming worth it. "They don't need a whole packet to say no."

Rebecca stared at the large envelope. "No, I suppose not."

Her hands trembled as she carefully opened the folder. Words like pleased and accepted stared back at her, as the heavy phamlets dropped to the floor.

She got in. She did it.

And the tears began to flow, happy tears mixed with sad tears as every milestone had an element of the bittersweet.

The time home flew by and before she knew it, it was time for Rebecca to go back.

She'd be lying if she said she hadn't thought of Sid while she was home. She wondered how his Christmas was. She wondered how he'd done during the family Chrismas day street hockey game he'd told her about or if Taylor had liked the gifts he'd gotten off Rebecca's reccomendation as she also was buying for a twelve year old sister. She'd even watched some games while she was home. Her father's jaw had hit the floor when he'd come into the living room one evening and found his bookish daughter curled up on the couch watching hockey. Really watching, like eyes glued to the televison watching. They'd watched some games as a family and it was after another disasterous game in which the Penguins had lost again that Rebecca's father brought up an idea that had also lingered in the back of Rebecca's mind since she'd gotten her letter.

"Becky," her father started, Rebecca inwardly cringed. No one called her Becky, she immediately corrected anyone that tried, except her dad, but she still didn't particularly love it when her called her by the nickname.

Nevertheless she looked at her father and waited for him to continue.

"If you want to, I would understand if you want to end your internship with Claude. Now that you've been accepted to law school you shouldn't feel obligated to stay. I know you don't like it very much and your schedule is going to be very demanding in the spring. You know I'm not a proponant of quitting what you start, but in this case I think everyone would understand."

Rebecca didn't answer her dad at first. Instead she let his words sink in as her mind also began exploring the possibility of not going back.

It was the logical choice, and she always chose the logical choice. The internship served no purpose any more and she could use the time to get prepared for Yale. She also should find a job as the tuition situation hung over her head. Financial aid information would be coming in a separate packet the letter had told her and she was sure she could take out a ton of loans, but every bit helped. It wasn't the most brain stimulating work either, but truth be told she'd actually started to like it. And then there was Sid. The thought of never seeing him again made her heart feel that funny feeling again. But maybe that was for the best. She liked him and clearly there was never ever a chance that he'd like her back in that way, not to mention the newly discovered girlfriend made everything different. Even if Rebecca went back she'd have to keep her distance. She couldn't imagine any girl in her right mind wanting her superstar celebrity boyfriend talking to other girls, even if they were lowly secretary assistants. How hard it would be to see him and know that there was a line she couldn't and shouldn't cross.

So in the end she decided the best option was not to go back. An overwhelming feeling of sadness washed over her at the thought of not seeing the guys again or Claude and the other front office people, but it was the most sensible choice. She needed to focus on her plan and while it sounded callous, the Penguins had served their purpose and it was time to move on.

She decided to tell Claude in person, it was the professional thing to do. She'd thought about leaving a voice mail or writing an email, but that would make her look bad and she wanted to leave a good impression on the organization. A letter of recommendation from such a company could do her well down the road and besides maybe she'd get one last look at Sid. Her cheeks reddened and she rolled her eyes at her obvious fan girling, but she couldn't lie and say it wasn't true.

First thing on the Monday morning after she'd returned to Pittsburgh, Rebecca entered the Igloo. With the letter in hand and determined look on her face, she walked through the arena and towards the elevators. She was just to the elevators when she heard a voice. His voice.

"Becs?"

Taking a deep breath and praying that it wouldn't be as awkward as she feared, Rebecca turned around.

There stood Sid in jeans and heavy winter jacket. A beanie covered his head, with bits of his hair sticking out in all directions. He wore a tentative smile on his face and played with the cap of a water bottle he held in his hands.

"Oh hi," she said nervously, her fingers immediatley beginning to fiddle with the letter in hand.

"Hi, I thought that was you. How was your break?" Sid's voice was light and normal and it seemed the incident that was only a short few weeks ago was long forgotten.

"It was nice, good to be back home. How about you?" She wished she could match the lightness in his voice but she could hear the tremble and feared he could too.

He gave her a friendly smile, "Good too. Great to be back home and Taylor loved the Karaoke machine you suggested. Tough few days around here though, trying to get back on track."

Rebecca smiled geniuinely then became serious, "I saw some of the games while I was home, you'll bounce back, I'm sure." Her voice was starting to grow more confident.

Sid's eyebrows raised as a micheavous look danced across his features, "You watched a few games, eh? We finally converted you to a full fledged fan?"

Rebecca felt her heart lurch in that bad idea way and dismissed his comments, "I wouldn't go that far. I...uh, I better get going, I need to see Claude." She resumed her fiddling and bent her head towards the elevators. "I'll, uh, I'll see ya."

"I'll ride up with you," Sid said quickly. "I have a meeting with Ray this morning."

They walked silently towards the elevators. Other than wimping out and telling him she was quitting, Rebecca was pleased with how easy it seemed to see him. The awkwardness she had been fearful of and relieved to be leaving wasn't even that bad. Sid was his usual self and it was as if the kiss had never happened.

Rebecca pressed three as they entered the elevator and waited for the doors to shut.

She could feel his presence next to her and after everything, there was still that buzzing, the electricity she felt whenever she was close to him. It only further proved that her leaving was the right decision.

Not more than a few seconds after the elevator started, did Sid suddenly reach across her and use his long fingers to press the red emergency stop button.

The elvator suddenly lurched to a stop.

Wide eyed Rebecca whipped her head to look at Sidney. He was staring right back at her. And he was close. Really close. Normally she didnt like confined spaces, they made her anxious and claustrophobic, but staring at Sid, looking at his brown eyes, large and soft on her, his mouth set in a determined line, she felt safe and comforted.

It didn't last for long though.

Sid seemed nervous. She could feel it and she suddenly knew what he wanted to discuss. He pulled the beanie off his head and his hair stuck up in various directions. She stared at it, because now knowing what was to come, she couldn't look at him.

"I, um, I wanted to talk to you real quick." He said, the ease of his voice from just moments ago, now gone. "I just wanted to make sure we were ok with what happened the other night."

Rebecca knew it was pointless to hide the mortified look on her face. Couldn't they just ignore it?

Sid continued, "I wanted to tell you...well, I mean I wanted to say that I was sorry. I know we both had a lot to drink and I, uh, I acted inappropriately with you. It's just that, well things...got a little intense and I got caught up in the moment and I uh, I let it go too far. And I gave you mixed messages. And that was wrong of me. I just...I like talking to you, Becs. You've become a good friend and I don't want to lose that. Having you around, hanging out, it's fun and I just hope that what happened that night doesn't change anything. I think...I mean, I know that we can be friends and that who I'm...uh, seeing, doesn't change that. Because I don't want it to. I don't want anything to change. With us. I hope that makes sense. I just feel responsible for what happened and wanted to tell you that you did nothing wrong. I was the one who should have...uh, maintained the situation."

He's really blabbering now but since that night, she's all he's thought about and that look on her face when he told her about Katy. He should have known better not to put himself in that situation, but she'd just been so sad and so...achingly beautiful in that moment of true despair. It had taken every ounce of control not to kiss her back, not to grab her and pull her close and just go for it. But Katy exists and she's important and he couldn't do that to her.

So here he was, trying to have it all and just hoped that Rebecca would understand.

He blabbered on for a few more seconds then just trailed off, realizing he was repeating himself and starting to sound like an idiot.

She finally looked at him. Her green eyes locked onto his and there was something there he just couldn't quite figure out. Then it was gone. Her gaze became focused and he could see her spine straighten and her shoulders lift and fall back. Then she spoke.

"Please, dont feel responsible," her voice is soft, comforting and intimate and it sends a chill through him that doesnt belong. "You're right, it was an emotional reflex and I am the one who didn't act...accordingly. I wasn't thinking clearly and I...needed a feeling of comfort that I wasn't prepared for. I miss my mom, but I'm ok and I think the holidays and the alcohol and the talking...it just made me use bad judgement." She stopped talking, he watched as she bit her lower lip and knit her eyebrows in deep thought. Then she continued, "I like being your friend too and I don't want to lose that either. Whatever you are comfortable with, I am too."

She nodded her head slightly, as if, satisfied with her answer and the movement made Sid smile.

"Friends?" he asked, putting his hand out.

She looked at it, then up at him. The red of embarassment had faded a bit and brought about a healthy glow on her cheeks. Sid admired it and ignored the voice in the back of his head that told him he was entering dangerous territory.

Then she smiled and his heart did the funny thing too that he hadn't felt in a long time.

"Friends," she confirmed, taking his hand and pumping it twice.

The stop button was pulled and the elevator resumed its journey.

Seconds later the bell dinged and the doors opened, "After you," said Sid, his arm gesturing out in front of him.

They said their goodbyes and he went his way and she went hers.

Only he didn't see.

He didn't see as she stopped outside Claude's office and rip the envelope in her hand, then rip it again and again and then again.

He didn't see her deposit the contents into the nearby trash can and he didn't see her go into Claude's office and work out a new schedule that would fit with her second semester classes.

Instead he went in the opposite direction, his bright moment of seeing her fading away as a blaring reality was falling all around them.

This team was in trouble. This team was spiraling and they needed something to change.

And fast.

***author's note: sorry for the delay everyone and thanks for your patience! Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and happy new year, I was out of town for a few weeks and it took me some time to get back into the swing of things, but I am excited for the new year and this story! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It feels sort of clunky to me, but it's a transition chapter which are always very challenging. It's also a grammar class nightmare, so please excuse the editing errors and the jumping back and forth with tenses. As always I love to hear from you so please review! And gooooo pens!***

***author's note 2: pont is bridge in French. So the Instagram means bridge-burgh lens (camera lens). Some clarification if that is confusing.***