Then

The month of January could be summed up in one word.

Chaos.

Weather and schedules, injuries and losses made for a month that seemed to just fly by. The Pens were in a sorry state. Most of starters were injured, including Sid with a knee injury, and the coaching staff was constantly on edge. Rebecca's schedule continued to be inconsistent and she found herself in Mellon Arena at all hours of the day. Claude was constantly telling her that she didn't need to push herself so much, but Rebecca had found sort of a love for the job. There was something calming yet exciting about the job and while she didn't want to step on any toes, she'd found herself making suggestions for ways to streamline tasks and more efficiently make use of their time. Claude was resistant at first. He was comfortable with his system, no matter how backwards it seemed at times. The extra worked she'd taken on, trying to get Claude into the 21st century had resulted in extra hours, which Claude had felt badly about. But Rebecca assured him that she didn't mind the extra work.

It didn't hurt that she also got to see Sid. No matter how she tried, the crush wouldn't go away. Not even after she'd learned of "the girlfriend." The first few conversations after her return had been painfully awkward. He seemed eager to make things right, but it just felt like there was this thing hanging between them. For the most part conversations were brief and polite, but the whole team was down, losing was becoming more and more common and the jokey, fun atmosphere that had filled the room in the Fall, had transformed to a quiet and sullen setting.

More than once she'd seen Troy Crosby mulling the halls of the Igloo, a sour expression on his face. She'd also seen Mrs. Crosby, although she always seemed rather pleasant, but quiet. Over the months Rebecca had learned about the influence the Crosby family had on the organization. They were often in town for games and Sid had told her a while back that they managed his affairs. Tentatively Rebecca had asked how that worked and for the most part it seemed to be just fine. The Crosbys were, for the most part, well adjusted despite having a phenom in the family. Although the losing record and the fact that the team now sat in 10th place in the standings was putting everyone on edge. It seemed to come a head at the end of the month when after a particularly ugly loss to the Hurricanes, Sid was met with a seething Troy outside the locker room. It had been Sid's first game back after the knee injury and Rebecca had the unfortunate yet frequent misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. She had invited her Aunt and Uncle to a game for her Uncle's birthday and Claude had given the VIP passes to Hilary and Mike to meet some of the team. While Rebecca waited for them to finish taking pictures and get autographs, she couldn't help but notice the tense exchange between the two men. She had to wonder if the impression Sid had given her of this "well adjusted" family was completely accurate. Troy spoke low but his body language spoke volumes. He looked frustrated and angry and most of all disappointed. Rebecca's heart broke for Sid. It always seemed to be the same with them. Troy imposing these expectations that were many times out of Sid's hands. She was hesitant to discuss it with Sid, especially now when it was painful enough to just make idle chit chat. Hilary and Mike had so desperately wanted to meet Sid and they stood waiting patiently to meet the superstar. Rebecca, having a good idea what was happening, tried to run interference. So she told her aunt and uncle to stay put and turned to tentatively approach the two men. Knowing her track record in situations like these, she analyzed quickly which approach would have the least fallout.

"Hi, sorry to interrupt," she said lightly and bubbly, sounding very much like a person she wasn't.

The two Crosby men looked surprised by the interruption, but Rebecca refused to take a breath, as long as she kept talking there would be no opportunity for awkwardness.

"Mr. Crosby. Hi, I wanted to introduce myself. I'm Rebecca Cooper, I work for Claude Renard." She held up her ID badge for proof. "Claude has just gone on and on about you and your wife and I wanted to say hello. I've had the pleasure to do the bookings for you and Mrs. Crosby's visits. How was your flight in? I was worried about the weather with the layover in Ottawa, but Claude assured me that this is nothing to you great white northerners, huh? You all probably going sunbathing in January, am I right?" Rebecca laughed nervously, as both men just stared slack jawed at her.

She continued, not sure what next would come out of her mouth. "If you need any help with a rental car or hotel accommodations, I'm your girl. Listen my aunt and uncle are here and they are big fans of this guy and hoped I could get an autograph real quick. I know you all just got into town, so you probably want to catch up, so if I could just borrow your son for a hot minute, I would be so appreciative. You know how it is. Always in demand." She gave a little nudge of the elbow to Sid's crossed arms and waited for the reply. If she had a second to think about what she was doing, she would be mortified, but she just went with it, hoping for the result she was seeking.

And miraculously she got it.

Troy Crosby may be an overbearing father, but he was still a Canadian and he couldn't turn away a friendly face.

Sid on the other hand, looked at Rebecca like she had two heads.

"Oh, well. Er... Hello there, Rebecca? Nice to meet you." His voice was deep, serious but thick with a maritime accent. He held out his hand to Rebecca, who grasped it firmly and gave a bright smile. Troy's icy demeanor softened a bit and he smiled back, although it looked like more of a grimace. "My wife and I appreciate all that Claude does with the travel arrangements. We are fine now, no need for a car or hotel but thank you for asking. Please, do what you need to. We're just about to head out." His voice turned gruff as his eyes settled back on his son.

Rebecca thrust the program and pen in Sid's hands and watched as Sid's eyes flickered from her, then down to the program. He scrawled his usual signature and number and handed the items back to Rebecca. His fingers brushed against hers and Rebecca tried hard to ignore the warm lavalike feeling that suddenly coursed through her veins.

"Actually Dad," Sid said, speaking for the first time in this whole exchange. "Today is Rebecca's birthday. A group of us are going out for a little celebration, so we'll have to do dinner tomorrow. But you and mom head back to the apartment and I'll see you later."

Troy just stared dumbly for a minute, then looked at Rebecca for confirmation. Only it was now Rebecca's turn to have her jaw drop. She recovered quickly.

"We won't be out too late, I know there's a big game on Sunday." Rebecca said in her most responsible voice.

Troy managed out an ok and a half hearted happy birthday.

And then they were walking. She and Sid. Towards, her aunt and uncle. Sid shook their hands and made easy conversation, asking if they enjoyed themselves and apologizing for not pulling out a win. Then he turned to her, his brown eyes steady on her. "Ready?" he asked.

It wasn't Rebecca's birthday. Her birthday was in April. But she nodded dumbly.

"We're going to grab a drink with some people," Rebecca said. Hilary and Mike nodded and said their goodbyes, still a little starstruck.

And then they were walking again. Towards the exit.

"It's not my birthday." Rebecca said stupidly walking quickly to keep up with Sid's hurried stride.

"No?" Sid said. "When's your birthday?"

"April."

"Oh ok, well we'll celebrate early." Sid said easily, his confidence back. They walked out into the parking garage.

"Huh?" Rebecca walked briskly trying to keep up with his stride.

Sid stopped walking and looked at Rebecca.

"What you did back there? That took guts, not only for you but for anyone. It was amazing. You were like a different person and you made my night so much easier. Look, it's been a shitty night. Hell, its been a shitty month. I don't want to go to dinner with my parents. I don't want to hear about how I should backcheck more or work on my second chance rebounds. Everything sucks right now, I just want to do something fun with you. I don't care what we do. I just need to not think about hockey or how I continue to not measure up to what my dad thinks I should be. Let' just go do something normal. Can you help me just forget about all this?" Sid waved his hands in the direction of the Igloo, frustration and exhaustion clearly written all over his face.

Rebecca nodded, "Ok."

They climbed into the Range Rover and Sid put the SUV in reverse. "So what do you do on a Friday night?"

Rebecca didn't know what to say. The truth was that Friday nights were usually spent clearing out her dvr on episodes of Lost and 30 Rock. Sometimes she'd have a glass of wine or paint her toenails. She was confident that she was the most boring college student in the entire state of Pennsylvania. But she couldn't tell Sid that.

"Well, there is this one thing." Rebecca said, remembering an invitation she'd gotten from Dara for a game night she was hosting. It consisted mostly of their study group and she doubted anyone in attendance would bum rush Sid when he walked in the door. They were more likely to fan over Steve Jobs than Sidney Crosby.

She told him of her plans and Sid's face lit up at the mention of a game night. "Let's do it," he said as he turned out of the Igloo and made a right turn avoiding the line of cars of his teammates who were stopped signing autographs for a few diehards who waited patiently in the snow.

Rebecca texted Dara that she was coming over and directed Sid on where to go. She pondered telling Dara that she was bringing a guest, but decided against it. She hoped to downplay the whole thing as much as she could.

Dara lived in a small apartment in Oakland, just off campus and when Sid and Rebecca arrived it looked like the evening was winding down. There was a small group remaining. Dara and her new boyfriend George (she didn't seem to even remember much of the night at Max's, let alone spend any time pining over him), Margot and Marco two exchange students from Denmark and Portugal respectively and Victor, a quiet and chubby sophomore who was taking senior level courses and had a severe crush on Dara. It wasn't the coolest group of people and upon surveying the crowd, she wondered what Sid must think, but then realized that she was just as goofy and weird as the group she was with and he seemed to like her just fine, so she didn't dwell on it.

Dara's face when she answered the door was priceless. Rebecca said hello and told Dara she'd brought someone if that was ok. Dara to her credit quickly recovered and gave a rather normal greeting to Sid, welcoming the pair in and taking their coats. As Sid stood there taking it all in, Dara shot a "what the hell is going on here?" face to Rebecca, while Rebecca just shrugged her shoulders and gave a weak smile.

The group had just finished up a rousing round of scategories, when Rebecca and Sid joined the group. Everyone was polite and welcoming to Sid and if they knew who he was they didn't say anything, although he did get a few strange looks for wearing black suit pants and a button up collared shirt to a college game night, but regardless they treated him like anyone else who would have joined them. Over the next few hours they played every game imaginable. Pictionary, taboo, charades and trivial pursuit. Sid and Rebecca were often paired up or at least on the same team and they worked well together. Both had competitive natures and were quick with the correct answers. Sid excelled at charades, while Rebecca's renditions of "tennis elbow" and "mind over matter" for Pictionary were spot on. Trivial Pursuit was a breeze as teamed up, Sid answered all the history and sports questions, while Rebecca took on science and nature and literature. In between games, the group chatted. Rebecca tried not to wince as Victor continued to struggle to make Dara notice him, while Margot and Marco went out to have a smoke, each break taking a little bit longer each time. Before they knew it, it was after two and the party was starting to break up. On way out Marco confessed to knowing who Sid was and got an autograph and chatted about hockey, while Dara inundated Rebecca with questions that Rebecca had no answer for. How and why? Were they dating? Where was this going? Rebecca came up with only a feeble answer, not wanting to give many details and break any trust that Sid had given her. But she assured Dara that they were not dating and thanked her for a fun evening.

Once Sid and Rebecca were in the car, he turned to her grinning.

"That was a lot of fun." he said, his voice buoyant.

"It was," Rebecca replied, feeding off his energy and returning him smile. "I wasn't sure how exciting it would be for you."

"Are you kidding? You're friends are nice and it felt good to just kind of...escape into something different, you know?"

She did know. Throughout the evening she felt herself escaping into some alternate reality where this strange occurrence wouldn't be so strange. That this could be her life, their lives. That she and Sid could be a couple. That this would be a normal Friday night. But they weren't a couple. They were unlikely friends that seemed to find themselves in these situations and that she could pretend all she wanted, but someone like Sid had another life, another world that he lived in and in that world was someone he loved. Someone that wasn't her.

As she started to lose herself in her thoughts, Sid spoke up. "You're good at games."

Rebecca buckled her seatbelt and fiddled with the strap, not wanting him to see the blush that stained her cheeks at the compliment. Then she gave Sid a grin, "you are too."

"We make a good team." He said, putting his hand on the headrest of her seat as he looked back for any traffic. She looked at him for a moment, in the moonlight and felt her heart grow a little fuller.

Yeah, we do. she thought, but didn't say.

About 30 seconds into the trip back to Rebecca's apartment, Sid announced he was starving. They ended up at a pizza shop nearby the Consol and just a few miles from Rebecca's place. At nearly 2:30 and no longer serving drinks, the place was totally dead. It was a place Sid was comfortable with. He and the guys often hit up the place after getting in late from a road trip, so he knew it was a safe spot. They ordered at the counter. Five slices for Sid and one for Rebecca. Once seated and with their food, she watched for a minute as Sid tackled the pile in front of him. He was done with the first slice before Rebecca had even picked up her piece. They made light conversation as they ate, mostly recounting the evening at Dara's. They Rebecca realized she hadn't told him about getting into Yale. Actually she hadn't told anyone. Her dad and Molly were the only ones who knew.

Rebecca was hesitant to share the news because she still hadn't gotten her financial aid package in. But sitting there with Sid, she suddenly couldn't keep it in.

"I got accepted to law school," she blurted out.

Sid stopped mid-chew, a surprised expression on his face.

"Yale?" he asked with his mouth full.

Rebecca nodded, unable to hide the smile.

His whole face lit up and he quickly chewed and swallowed so that he could speak normally.

"Becs, thats awesome! Amazing." He smiled widely at her and shook his head, "Wow." He held up his hand for her to slap. She stared at it for a minute, then realized the intention and gave him a high five.

"I dont know anyone that's gone to Yale," he said with awe in his voice.

Rebecca felt the lavalike feeling spread through her veins.

"Craig Adams went to Harvard," she reminded him.

Sid made a face, "Yeah, but that doesn't count, plus it wasn't for law school. You should be really proud of yourself, Becs."

She was proud of herself, but somehow Sid being proud of her too made it seem so much better.

Eventually they made their way back to Rebecca's apartment. She couldnt ignore how date-like the whole evening had been and she found herself nervous for a goodnight kiss that would never come.

Pulling into the driveway behind the deli, Sid put the car in park and turned to Rebecca.

"This was a good night," he said. "Thank you. It started pretty bad and you made it better. You can't know how much I appreciate that."

"It was fun for me too," Rebecca said softly.

Sid was silent for a moment, "We're going to miss you when you leave," he said quietly.

Rebecca felt her heart leap to the back of her throat.

"I'm going to miss you guys too," she said just as quietly.

"I think...well, I know...I'm going to miss you," he said his voice barely a whisper.

"I'm going to miss you, too," she breathed.

Suddenly the air shifted and became heavy. Rebecca looked down at her lap and knew she needed to get out of the car.

He has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. She repeated to herself, but when she looked up, he was staring at her, his gaze intense.

"Rebecca," his voice was low and she couldn't form a word even if she wanted to. Her heart was hammering against her chest and then she felt it. His fingers, very lightly reached across and found hers. The touch so light.

She stared at his hand, then up at him. The moonlight cast a shadow on his features and suddenly he was moving towards her.

She couldn't breathe. She didn't know if she wanted to.

Her entire body buzzed as his fingers moved gently over hers and suddenly he was so close.

So close.

And then there was a buzz, then another and it wasn't her body, it was Sid's. Or rather Sid's pocket.

"Shit," he said pulling back and digging into his pocket. Rebecca wondered if it was his dad, checking up on him like Sid was some teenager out after curfew.

He pulled out his phone and looked at the display and his face became stricken, then he looked at her pathetically and she knew.

She gave him a sad smile and got out of the car, ignoring his weak protest.

He has a girlfriend.


Now

It started with a cup of coffee. The cup was at my desk when I walked in on Monday morning. For a second I thought it was maybe left over from Friday. But I didn't get Starbucks on Friday. As I set my things down, I noticed a white bag sitting next to the coffee. Opening the bag I was met with the warmth and delicious smell of a chocolate croissant from the French bakery on Butler, that I love so much. In the bag was a note. The familiar scrawl read, Have a good morning, -S. Not exactly a love note for the ages, but immediately my face goes red and my insides flip flop. I take a sip of coffee, it's my exact order and I wonder how he knows. My brain scans the last five years and not once did we ever discuss how I take my coffee. The same for the croissant. Im baffled at how he knows. I set aside my lukewarm coffee from home and the packet of oatmeal I was set to prepare once I got settled in and instead spend the next ten minutes sipping the warm and frothy latte and savoring the buttery and delicate pastry. To be honest I'd thought Sid may have forgotten last week. That what happened between us had been a brief lapse of judgment or indulging in a whim that he regretted soon after it happened. As for me, the coffee was much needed. If I thought the endless packing and preparing for law school was exhausting, spending every moment analyzing the possibility of a relationship with one of the most high profile people in the state let, alone the nation of Canada, was nearly crippling. My mind was like a kaleidoscope, twisting and turning, imagining possibilities only to have them skewed and changed before I could grab onto anything substantial. In the end it was just chaotic and overwhelming and my mind went numb. While I hadn't heard from him since that night at my house. I had seen him on a recent trip down to the locker room to give the equipment staff some last minute paperwork. I had promised myself I wouldn't look for him, wouldn't seek him out. I failed. I was determined to just get in there, drop off the forms and walk out. But I knew he would be there. I knew I could pick a different time to go, when the team hadn't just come off the ice; I knew but I did it anyway. And I looked. I glanced. Trying so hard to just sneak a peak of him. Hoping he wouldn't notice. Hoping that for once I could look at him, really look at him and not have to worry about someone seeing or even Sid seeing and thinking that there was something more to what we had. For some reason I felt so strongly about protecting that. Protecting myself. Not letting him think that I care more than him, like it was some sort of contest on who didn't get more invested.

It's all pointless though. He knows I'm invested. It was clear the other night and now that I think he might be too, I'm terrified. And he saw me. He saw me see him because he was watching me. My eyes quickly scanned to him and he was looking back at me as if he'd been watching me the whole time. Calm and collected, leaning back in his stall, clad in his spandex, his hair a mess, his face flushed from the skate and those eyes, deep and expressive, watching me and that second, that brief moment when our gaze locked, it was just us. Everything and everyone just went away. And it wasn't complicated and confusing. It was clear and real and something I'd never known with him. Something I'd spent years wishing for, even though I knew I would never have it. And the idea that it could actually happen is more than I can process. So in the meantime, I enjoy the breakfast and try to put the thoughts away, so I can concentrate on work.

The next day it's a brownie after lunch, with a note. Only its longer and its more like a list. It reads:

10 Things I Miss About You.

1. I miss your smile.

2. I miss the funny faces you make.

3. I miss the way you smell.

4. I miss the way you laugh.

5. I miss the random facts you would tell me.

6. I miss the way you used to look at me.

7. I miss your bad jokes.

8. I miss the way you touched me.

9. I miss touching you.

10. I miss you.

My heart is hammering against my chest and I read and reread the list. My breathing is labored as I feel overwhelmed and heartsick. I want to see him. I want to talk to him. I miss all those things about him too. Leaving the brownie untouched, I get up from my seat and set off looking for him. It's like an out of body experience. My mind isn't fully functioning, but I don't care. I want to be near him. I want to touch him. Know he's real. Know that despite everything that's weird and scary and complicated, that we fit. Somehow, someway we can fit together, again. And it will be different this time.

I'm down the hall and to the elevators. I punch the button to the correct level and wring my hands as I think about his words. Lost in my own thoughts, I barely hear the ding of the elevator stopping. I get off and head down the hall towards the players lounge. Im not quite sure what I will even say. I don't have anything with me, no prop I can use to play off the reason I'm down there. It's just me, determined to find him and talk to him and touch him and let him know that I miss him too. So much that my bones ache and my heart hurts.

I see some players mulling about the kitchenette area and I scan my eyes for Sid. No luck. Among the players is Chris Kunitz and I go up to him.

"Hi, have you seen Sid?" I rush out, my voice laced with an unmistakable tremor.

Chris gives me a knowing look that I can't quite decipher.

"He's finishing up in the media room. I think he'll just be a -"

I don't allow him to finish, as Im off again. Down the hall and towards the media room. There's a few people milling about that I say a quiet hello to. I wait outside hoping he's about done. Time ticks by and I grow antsy. I peek around the corner and through the half open door.

Sid's in there. Freshly showered and dressed in a black sweater and jeans. His hair is gelled up and he's wearing a bit of makeup. He must have been doing a tv interview. For a second, I lose a little bit of my bravery, but still I wait.

There's someone else with him. A woman. Blonde and thin. They are chatting rather pleasantly and I ignore the tinge that suddenly stirs inside me. They are laughing and she's touching him. First on the arm, then on the shoulder. He doesn't seem to mind. Then she hands him a card, her card I assume and I hear her say, call me. Her voice is light and friendly, buoyant. Sid smiles widely and says I will. She puts her hand out to shake, but he pulls her into a hug. And now my heart is hammering again. But in the bad way. Sid doesn't hug people. He barely touches anyone. Most of the time he keeps a safe distance from people, his hands shoved in his pockets, clearly indicating his need for personal space.

And whether there is a reasonable explanation for this exchange or not, my brain can't process it. So I leave. Quickly and undetected. My heart a little dented and my brain mad at myself for letting my guard down.

This is stupid. All of it.

There is a reason I am leaving, there is a reason I'm not with him.

I have to remember that.

On Wednesday its a teddy bear and my first instinct is to throw it in the garbage. What are we, 12? My injured heart asks. I can't bear to throw it away (no pun intended), so I stuff it in a drawer, with the card unopened.

On Thursday, it's an envelope. With two tickets to a show at the Consol next week. I don't read the note, so Im not sure if this is something he wants for us to see together, or if the tickets are for me and a friend. Again, stuffed in a drawer.

On Friday, it all comes to a head. Im in a morning staff meeting. All the department heads and a few assistants meet once a month to get caught up with one another. Im in my seat, doodling instead of taking notes, as the accounting manager talks budgets and taxes, when there is a knock at the door. In comes Kayla, an office secretary and she's holding a big bouquet of flowers. No. I huge bouquet of flowers. Immediately I put my head down and pretend to take diligent notes. Maybe it's Bob's birthday or Helen's anniversary.

But no.

"Miss Cooper," Kayla says tentatively. "These arrived for you. Your office is locked."

Everyone is staring at me. Then at the flowers. Then back at me.

It's a beautiful bouquet. Orchids. My favorite.

I get up and accept the vase from Kayla's outstretched hands. I set them on a side table and go back to my seat at the large conference table.

I know my face is bright red, I can feel the burning as I'm too afraid to meet anyone's eyes.

After the meeting a few of the assistants and some of the marketing team surrounds me.

They insist I open the card in front of them, despite my refusal. Im trying to downplay it, not make this a big deal. So I casually pluck the card from the holder and open it.

I can't stop thinking about you. Meet me. Please. 1 o'clock, the auxiliary equipment room.

Love, S

I stare at the words and forget for a moment where I am. I see a few eyes start to lean in for a peek and quickly I draw the card to my chest.

"They're from my dad." I say quickly.

I'm met with a few questioning looks. I don't say anything else. Just gather the flowers and quietly and quickly leave the meeting room.

I don't meet him.

I stare at the clock from twelve until one. My mind a mess.

Then I open a file and go back to work.

I'm in the middle of my afternoon break, just after 2 o'clock when I see him. I'm in the hall, filling my cup from the community water cooler when I see him from a distance. His stride is quick as he comes down the hall. He's in jeans and a button up shirt, his hair combed into place and for a minute I wonder if he looks that way because of me. He's not looking in my direction but suddenly makes a turn into my office.

For a split second I'm frozen. Then I move quickly. I duck into the first office door that is open. Sitting at her desk is Sue from accounting. Her office is messy, piles of invoices and forms surround her and she looks surprised to see me.

"Rebecca, hi. How can I help you?"

I grab a paper from her desk and pretend to look busy.

My head is down, but I'm sure she's looking at my like I'm insane.

"I, uh, I wanted to ask you about the expense reports." I say, the idea quickly popping up in my head.

"Oh, ok, what about them?"

I go into a ramble, a complicated and wordy rant about how to divide line items.

Sue furrows her brow and types away at her computer, searching for an answer for me. I know that I can keep this going for at least an hour. Hopefully more than enough time for my visitor to leave.

After a few seconds, Sue looks up from her screen and starts to give me an explanation. She stops speaking mid sentence. And stares.

But she isn't staring at me, her gaze is higher, above where I'm sitting to the open doorway behind me.

I've been found.

His voice clears and then cuts into the silence.

"Um, hello...Mrs. Uzarski, I'm sorry to interrupt."

I sit perfectly still, not wanting to turn around. I'm being immature, I know. Using poor defense mechanisms. But I don't care.

"Oh, um, it's quite alri-" Sue is gathering the papers on her desk to make the space more presentable.

"May I see you for a moment...Miss Cooper?" Sid's voice is tight, not angry, but controlled.

"I'm busy right now, can you come back later?" I sound like an idiot.

"Rebecca, we can do this another time," Sue starts, her face flushed as she looks nervously from me to the doorway.

"No," I say, "I really need to get this sorted out." I say primly.

"It's important," he says and I almost turn around.

"Later." I say shortly.

Sue isn't sure what to make of this. I stare in her direction, but she's becoming more and more flustered by this odd exchange.

"Now." His voice is sharp and a little bit angry.

I turn around and stare at him defiantly. "You cant tell me what to do," I say to him like a petulant child.

HIs mouth opens, but no words come out. He's just looking at me, disappointed.

And I feel like shit.

Suddenly, the phone rings. I turn back to Sue and I don't think I've ever seen anyone so relieved.

"I have to take this, we'll discuss the report tomorrow" Sue says quickly and picks up the receiver.

Slowly I stand up and turn towards the door. Sid frames the doorway, his eyes are on mine, but I can't meet his gaze.

I feel defeated. Although I'm not sure why.

Why am I fighting this? Why does this suddenly feel heavy and looming? Just a few days ago I was ready to throw caution to the wind and dive into this.

But seeing him. With that girl, that woman. How easy it was for him to turn on the charm and score her business card like it was a simple conquest. It made me...jealous. And I hate that feeling.

I brush past him and head towards my office. He follows behind and I'm afraid of what people see, what they think.

I enter my office and he closes the door behind him. I hear the click of the lock and I brace myself for what he has to say. I know I've hurt him. Upset him.

But I'm hurt too. Im just as upset and I'm prepared to defend myself.

I turn around to face him, my defense set up like a lawyer in a courtroom.

But he doesn't speak. Instead he's walking towards me.

No, not walking.

Stalking.

And like always, I take a step back. But it doesn't deter him. He stays silent and keeps coming until my butt hits my desk and my hands reach back to grasp the edge and steady myself.

And then he's in front of me. So impossibly close.

He looks down at me. His brow furrowed, his eyebrows knit together, looking at me like I'm a math problem, he can't figure out.

"You didn't show up." He says simply.

There is no space between us and his body presses up against mine in a way that's too familiar.

"No." I reply.

"You're avoiding me?" The question looms in the air and I just stare at his mouth.

"No."

He steps back and sighs.

I shift uncomfortably.

"You're lying." Sid says. "You're going to make a terrible lawyer, if that's how you lie."

I cant help it but I choke out a short laugh.

"What else are you lying about?" He says, his voice quiet, his stare fixed.

I don't say anything.

"Do you want me here?"

"No. You should leave." I say weakly.

"Liar."

"Do you miss me?" His voice is barely a whisper.

"No." I breathe.

"Liar."

He's close again, and his mouth is now just a fraction from mine.

"Do you want me to kiss you?"

"No."

"Li-"

But he doesn't get to finish. His word is cut short by my mouth pressing against his. His lips relax gently against mine as I move my mouth clumsily against his. But soon we find a rhythm and my mind clears as I concentrate on the softness of his lips, the gentle breeze of his breathe and insistence of his tongue.

I wasn't lying. I didn't want him to kiss me.

I wanted to kiss him.

And for right now as scary and stupid as it seems, I don't ever want to stop.