Author's note: Sorry for long delay, hope you enjoy!

Now

It stays like that for a while. Just us, kissing. The rhythm of our mouths moving steadily. No sign of stopping, no sign of going any further. My fingers no longer grasp the edge of the desk, but instead reach out tentatively and touch Sid's waist. He takes the movement as encouragement and presses himself just a little bit more into me, and my arms loop up and around his shoulders, my fingers touch the neatly shorn hairs at the nape of his neck and I just relax into him. He's brought his hands up to cup my face, holding me the way I like, keeping me secure.

And the pretending. All the pretending I've done is over for right now.

Pretending that kisses didn't matter, that touches meant nothing. Pretending for so long that my heart didn't swell at the sight of him. My pulse didn't quicken by his touch. My throat didn't close up when he was close. My resolve didn't break when he left.

And along with the pretending, so goes the rational thoughts. The practical thoughts. The warning bells that pierce my ears and cloud my senses telling me, danger, danger. Telling me that no good can come of this. That things are too different, we are too different. For right now, I don't want to be rational, I don't want to be practical.

I dont want to pretend.


I had so much to say, so many questions to ask, but as of right now, I can't think of a single one. I waited an hour. Hoping and praying that this time it would be different, this time she would show up. Only she didn't. Just like before. She never showed.

Only this time I know better.

So I set out looking for her, my focus trained on one thing and one thing only. Finding her. Making her listen. Making her understand.

She wasn't in her office. So I kept moving, looking until I heard her voice. Down the hall, although faint, I could hear the unmistakable ramble. And I found her. And like always she fought me. Not fought. Resisted. No. Not resisted, challenged. Basically, argued. Like always. But with Becs she does it in a way that I only recently have come to understand. For her, its not arguing, its defending. Protecting something. I used to think it was her pride. That she didn't want to come across as weak or unsure. That she, like me, was trained to be in control. To have control. Of situations, of conversations, of expectations. That was what drew me to her. That she was so different than me, but so much the same too. But recently and the more I think about the past five years, I think she was protecting something else. And now I don't want her to do that anymore. I dont want her to feel like she has to. And I know. I know because I did the same thing. I protected myself too. And I did that by becoming complacent. By lying to myself and telling myself that if I couldn't have the one I lo...cared about. I would have her anyway that I could. And the thoughts, the questions, the speculation, the analysis of how everything evolved into where we are now is insidious. It's woven so deeply into the fabric of how we are that I yearn for simple. I yearn for easy and clear, transparent. The conversations that loop around and get us nowhere, it exhausts me. It overwhelms me.

So I want to start over. From scratch. Begin again. I gamble with the risk that it won't work. THat we won't work. But I have to try. I will go crazy if I don't try.

Speaking of crazy, the sounds coming from her are making me crazy. It takes all my willpower not to haul her up onto the desk and just go for it. But I cant. Not yet, so I settle for pressing up against her. I feel her relax into me and i take that as a sign. My hand moves from her cheek to her neck, angling her head up, so that I can kiss her from a different angle.

The sounds that are coming from her, prove that this is right. That we are right.

Her mouth is warm and soft, her scent citrus, I think it comes from her hair. Over the years I've come to know, to study, the feel and smell of her. To catalog the sounds and touches. To know what she likes best and how to make her come undone.

And its true. I've missed her. I've missed her like crazy. There was a time when I'd accepted our fate. Accepted the unspoken arrangement we'd created. And then I started to take it for granted. Started to assume that a single text or a certain look across the room was all I needed. And then after last year, when things were so tough, when we went out against Boston so fast and so badly I'd taken what would be the last time for granted most. And then I had to get away. Clear my head in what was becoming a yearly ritual. Every summer becoming the same. Disappointing losses turning into long summers where at times I felt myself coming out of my skin. Craving routine I would travel to California, then home. I would stay so regimented, so focused, replaying the disappoints over and over. Using them to fuel my desire, my drive. And in that state, in the rare times I would let my mind drift, it would go to Rebecca. It would wander to ideas, thoughts that she could be with me in California, she could be with me back home. That my days could be spent training and my evenings with her. Not just sex, but talking, hanging out. Making dinner and watching movies. Spending time on the lake or having epic trivial pursuit games. Then there would be the nights. Nights where I'd take her again and again until we passed out, then waking up in the middle of the night for another round. And then I would wake up and she would be there and we'd do it all over again.

And for the longest time those thoughts were pointless. That it would never happen, could never happen.

But now, with her body pressed up against mine, her fingers scratching at my neck, I think there is still a chance. And if there is, I wont take it for granted.

My head is swimming and some of it is from lack of oxygen. Needing to catch my breath, my mouth drags away from Becs and before the sound of disappointment hits the quiet strum of the office, I brush my lips against the curve of her neck. My hands move to her waist and with a mind of its own, my right hand moves up and brushes up against her breast. She arches immediately into my hand and I take the sign and grasp gently, squeezing the soft flesh. She emits a contented sigh so I begin to knead as my mouth moves more aggressively across the tender skin of her neck.

I'm not sure how I get to the next step, my mind comes and goes as I get more and more distracted and suddenly her blouse is unbuttoned and my mouth is at her collarbone and my hand is pulling her breast free from her bra. Im hard to the point that if something doesn't change soon, I'll end up humiliating myself with a lack of rare self control.

It doesn't seem to matter, because as soon as her breast is free, Rebecca stills. No freezes and I know instantly, as much as I hate to admit it, that something is wrong. She doesn't say anything, but something is off and even though I'm so worked up right now, I stop.

"Sorry" I say, my voice hoarse and I take a step back, space now existing between us.

Her eyes are down, she modestly adjusts her bra back into place and quickly buttons up her shirt. I take a look at her, a full look. Her cheeks are bright red, her mouth swollen and her shoulders still rise and fall from her exerted breathing. She doesn't say anything. She looks left, she looks right but she won't look at me.

"It's just moving a little fast," she says and she finally meets my gaze. Her eyes show a vulnerability that is rarely seen and she seems embarrassed by her statement, like we both know the absurdity of it.

"I understand." I reply, disappointed but I reluctantly admit that this part has never been the problem. That if we are going to work in any capacity, it's not the physical aspect we have to work on. That's the logical way of thinking, my lower half isn't quite as practical though.

"I'm sorry I didn't meet you" she says quietly.

"It's ok." And I take a step back again, whatever we are doing is done for now.

She looks to be struggling with what to say next, then takes a deep breath and looks at me, "I went to find you the other day. When I got your note...the list. I saw you with, um, that reporter. She seemed to like you and I saw her give you her number and well, I figured that perhaps you...were exploring other options." She looks pained trying to tell me this and it pains me to hear it. Exploring other options? Why can't she ever say what she wants to say? I think for a moment, trying figure out what she is talking about. Why would I want to explore other options when its pretty obvious I'm trying to pursue her?

She must notice my confusion, because she clarifies, "On Wednesday, you had an interview. I went to go find you. To tell you...to talk about your note. You were wrapping up with a reporter and…" Rebecca trails off, clearly uncomfortable with what she is saying. "You just seemed very friendly and she gave you her number, which you took."

I cant help it, but a grin forms on my face. I feel bad, especially since she looks really distressed by it, but what she's saying, the way she's acting...well it means only one thing.

"You're jealous." I say, my voice a mix of amusement and wonder.

Rebecca's demeanor changes and she narrows her eyes on me.

"I am not." she challenges.

"Yes, you are." And I can't stop smiling.

She crosses her arms over her chest and looks at me determined. "No, I just think that when you write those things that you wrote and you're acting this way with me," she gestures between the two of us to emphasize her point. "You shouldn't, you know…"

"Explore other options?" I say.

She opens her mouth. Then closes it. Then gives a quiet reply, "Yes."

Even though I get a strange thrill of watching her turn green with jealousy, I decide to put her quickly out of her misery and clarify.

"The woman you were spying on is Hannah, Jack's fiancee. She's was town from New York to watch him play. She's also the host of show on the NHL network and we were doing an interview. I'm assuming you saw us talking about making plans to meet for dinner, with Jack and not trying to score some secret booty call. Believe me, the only options I am exploring are in this office." I give her a grin, hoping to ease the embarrassment I know she is feeling, as Rebecca hates to be wrong.

I watch the wheels spin in her mind as she recalls the game against the Blue Jackets last night. She goes from a look of realization to one of bashfulness in mere seconds.

"Oh." Is all she says. "I'm sorry," she mumbles

"It's alright," I say easily. "You're cute when youre jealous."

She makes a face at my teasing.

"I was not jea-"

Her protest is cut off as I close the distance between us and press my lips against her mouth open in mid sentence. I nip lightly at her lips, soft and still a bit swollen. I don't let it intensify, I take it for what it is, a rare moment of teasing, of intimacy that we have rarely had. Her mouth is pliant and accepting of mine, and I notice the protest when I pull away.

"And in case you need further clarification, you are the option, I was referring to." The only option I think, but don't say.

She gives me a smile, the first I've seen in a long time and I feel a thaw finally coming through.

I take the opportunity and go with it, "So now that is cleared up, I wanted to know if you would go out, with me. Tonight."

Her smile is short lived, "Oh Sid, I don't know. It's just I'm leav-"

I kiss her again.

Her gaze is hazy but she continues. "What about priv-"

I kiss her again.

When I pull back again, she laughs. If I thought the smile was enough to disarm me, her laugh nearly unglues me.

"You can't keep kissing me everytime I try to say something." She attempts to have a scolding tone, but her eyes are bright and she's fighting a grin. And I know I'm getting to her.

I look at her and put it all on the line. "Becs, I know there are a thousand obstacles standing in front of us and many are valid, but I like you, I want to spend time with you. I miss spending time with you. I dont know whats going to happen, but I want to try. I want you to try. Just see what could happen. Im not asking for anything except for a chance. If it doesnt work out, what have we lost? I just want a chance to do this right."

I can tell she still has some concerns, but she nods anyway.

"Alright, yes I would like to go out with you too."

I'm grinning like an idiot, but I dont care. My mind is in a thousand different places.

"Ok, then." I say. "Pick you up at 8?"

Rebecca nods, "Eight, it is."

I should go now, there is a lot I need to do. But I don't go, not yet.

Instead, I kiss her again.

It's a date.


Then

Sid let out the heavy sigh he'd been holding in since Rebecca escaped from the car. Then flipped open the phone and answered.

"Hello?"

"There you are."

There isn't even a hello, not that Sid can blame her. He'd completely forgotten the promise to call Katy after the game. Between the loss and his dad and then Rebecca, it had completely slipped his mind.

Katy was in LA, on some shoot and through text they'd made plans to talk tonight. They hadn't seen each other since November, but tried to talk on the phone a couple times a week. It wasn't easy and if Sid were to be completely honest, in the past few months he'd grown distant and he could tell that Katy was catching on.

"Sorry," Sid said, regret sincerely in his voice. "Rough night, my folks are here and it slipped my mind to call."

Katy stays quiet for a moment, then answers in what Sid can tell is forced cheeriness.

"No problem."

If looking for things Sid and Katy had in common, avoiding conflict was close to the top of the list.

"How are you?" Sid asked halfheartedly. His brain was still trying to compute what had just happened with Rebecca and the long day was catching up with him.

Katy began to go on and on about her recent shoot and some local spots she'd been hanging out lately. She chatted about her friends and her family and how the weather was in LA, lightly teasing Sid about the bitter cold of Pittsburgh in late January.

Sid gave the 'uh huhs" and the "oh reallys?' as he responded the way a dutiful boyfriend should and navigated his way home.

He'd just gotten off the freeway when Katy's tone changed. Her voice, usually confident, became halted, wavering a bit.

"So listen," she said lightly. "I was hoping to come visit you next weekend. You know, just for a few days. Catch up, maybe?"

He hated that his instinct was to say no. He hated that rather than think of ways her visit could work and they could optimize time together, he was thinking of all the ways a visit wouldn't work. The team was at home, but they had a back to back. He was already so tired from tonight, that he didn't have the energy to figure out how to fit the visit in.

Katy obviously noticed his hesitation.

"Well, don't get so excited," she said dryly, her voice still holding a smile to it, but she was clearly irritated.

"Im sorry Kate, it's just been a really bad month and February is going to be brutal. I just think right now isn't a great time."

Katy was silent on the line and Sid was sure she was disappointed.

"I got a job in South Africa."

Her voice was quiet, plaintive, as if this was supposed to be good news and he'd taken all the wind out of her sail. The exciting news now delivered plainly and without fanfare.

"Huh?"

Katy sighed into the phone. "I wanted to tell you in person, that's the reason I wanted to come visit. It's a season shoot for Self. I just found out today."

"Kate, that's great. Congratulations," Sid replied feeling terrible that she was telling him like this but apprehensive there was more to the story.

"I leave in a couple weeks. I'll be gone for four months, Sidney."

"Oh."

"I really wanted to talk to you about this in person. Four months is a long time. I mean I haven't seen you in two and it feels like its been a year. I just...we're young Sidney. And there is just so much going on and I feel like...you're just so distant. When I leave, I think...I think there will be a lot of opportunities that I don't want to miss out on. I'm trying really hard here in LA to be good. To be the dutiful girlfriend and it's difficult. I never see you. It's hard to talk to you. I just think...I think that we should see other people." She rushed the last part out and Sid could hear the relief in her voice.

"You're breaking up with me?" He asked dumbly, sitting at a green light in a Sewickley intersection.

"No! I mean, I still want to be friends, to see each other when we can. But Sidney, it's South Africa, for four months. I dont want to spend this opportunity pining away for a boyfriend thousands of miles away. I dont want to turn down chances to go out and meet people and have fun and instead sit at home waiting for phone calls that aren't going to come. I dont want to have any regrets."

That last sentence hung in the air in front of Sid and he found himself entering a fog. Katy continued on for a few more minutes. Sid didn't have much to say, he just tried to process it all. The conversation became awkward and soon it was over. He flipped his phone shut and thought about what had happened. He felt two things. Guilt and relief. Guilty for feeling relief. Everything she said was true. He couldn't blame her. But the truth was, she was the whole package. She was everything the professional athlete should have in a girlfriend, but he just couldn't find himself willing to put in the effort. And that made him feel guilty.

And then there was the timing. The fact that this conversation had taken place moments before he was going to do it. He'd resigned himself to being that guy. Moments before that phone rang, he was going to be who he swore he'd never be.

A cheater.

And for that he felt the most guilt.


Over the next few days, Sid found himself going through the motions. Games and losses seemed to blend together. The locker room was becoming volatile. The team kept trying to grab hold of their season, but it just kept falling from their grasp. Coach was yelling more. Going into these long rants between periods. No one spoke. They just listened to the string of curse words that would go from English to French and back again. Sid was pretty fluent in French, but even he couldn't decipher some of the words coming from Michel's mouth. And the situation with Katy had him reeling in a way he didn't expect. Sure he was relieved but he was still sad. Katy was a great girl. She'd been easy and fun and he'd never had to worry about doing to wrong thing or saying something stupid in front of her. She loved life and had helped Sid loosen up about some things. He'd learned some good lessons during their time together. But she was right, they barely saw each other and he wasn't great on the phone or keeping up with texts. And he'd never been dumped before. He wasn't quite sure what to do with himself.

Max noticed it.

During these bleak days, when the guys just sat solemnly in their stalls, staring out into nothing, silent. Max had noticed something still wasn't quite right with his friend and captain. Something more than just hockey.

"What do you think buddy?"

Max's voice pulled Sid from lost trance he'd been stuck in since they'd come off from today's practice.

"Huh?" Sid asked looking blankly at his friend.

"Dude, we're talking lunch options. Jordan wants to go Italian. What do you think?"

"Oh yeah, sounds good." Sid said absently.

"Everything ok?" Max asked, his expression in a rare state of seriousness.

Sid shook his head clear and smiled, "Oh, yeah. All good." But his smile was weak and his voice weaker.

Max wasn't having it. He started with the twenty questions and at around question 12 he asked about Katy. Sid immediately said fine, but he knew his face had given something away.

"You having problems?" Max asked.

"We broke up." Sid said tonelessly.

"Oh man, that sucks." Max let out a low whistle and patted Sid on the shoulder.

"We grew apart."

"Yeah, it happens."

They sat in a weird guy silence, not sure how to proceed with a conversation that exposed weakness or vulnerability.

"Well, I think what you need is some strange." Max stated decidedly.

Sid cringed at the term.

"I mean, how long has it been buddy? The best way to get over a breakup is to get a lille vagin aléatoire."

Sid felt his face go aflame at Max's suggestion. But he would be lying if below all the stress of the losing and the standings and the tension and the break up, he hadn't entertained the idea that he could maybe try something with Rebecca. That is was an option he could explore. He knew it was a terrible idea. No matter how many urges he had, he couldn't indulge them. They were friends. His life was crazy. She was leaving at the end of the year. They lived in such opposite worlds. Being who he was came with...expectations, not just on the ice, but off. And it wasn't even about looks. It was about understanding a specific sort of lifestyle and being comfortable navigating through said lifestyle. Rebecca was smart, pretty, funny. He wouldn't deny that. But it wasn't enough. Not for the world he lived in. And he couldn't just do casual with her, she wasn't that kind of person. He knew that. And when things went bad, as they would certainly go, he'd lose a friend and he didn't want to risk that. Right?

No matter how hard he'd have to fight it, there was no way he could indulge in anything with-

"How about oopsy?"

Max once again broke Sid from his thoughts.

"What?"

"Cooper. How about her? You know she's cute and she's into you, it's pretty obvious. She's always trailing after you all moony eyed. She's a cool girl, I bet you could rock her world for a night." Max waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Shut up, Max" Sid felt his throat became tight and his pulse quicken.

"Oh come on, Siddo. Oopsy would spread them quick for you dude and you could do a lot worse."

"I said shut up." Sid's voice was low but sharp.

"But it's perfect, dude. You could even do it here, wouldn't even have to take her out. Give her the lunch break of a lifetime, I mean those lips, I wouldn't mind them wrapped around my di-"

Max didn't have a chance to finish his sentence, as he was met with Sid's fist wrapped around his t-shirt and dragged eye to eye with his captain. "I said fucking shut up Max!" Sid narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth, then abruptly released Max and shoved him back into his stall.

"Whoa Sid," Max said, his face stricken, his hands up in the air. "I didn't mean anything"

"I told you to shut up." Sid said quietly, his cheeks burning, his pulse still racing.

"Holy shit dude, you like her." Max's voice was calm and quiet.

Sid stared straight ahead.

"You dont know what you are talking about."

"You like Cooper. Like really like her. Man, I'm sorry, I wouldn't have talked like that if I knew."

Sid didn't try to argue with Max anymore. Listening to Max, talk about Rebecca like that had suddenly brought a feeling that Sid wasn't expecting. Blind rage. And as much as Sid wanted to ignore it, he felt this draw to her. This need for her. And it was becoming a constant battle in his head whether or not to take that step, no matter how much he tried to rationalize it one way or another in his head. As much as she didn't meet the expectations of the world he lived in, he couldn't ignore the fact that when he was with her, it all went away. All the stress and the pressure. When he talked to her, when he was around her, when he breathed her in, none of that other stuff mattered, least of which being what other people thought. When he was with Rebecca, the world didn't feel like it was closing in on him, it felt like it was opening around him.

"Yeah, I like her." The words felt heavy as if they held a lot of weight. And they did. Because he wasn't just telling Max he liked Rebecca, that he had feelings for her that went beyond friendship. That the idea of being close to her made his heart race and his stomach knot up for the first time since he was in grade eight. No, he wasn't just telling Max.

He was telling himself.

Author's note 2: vagin aléatoire=random vagina (my max is a classy guy :p)