Now
The little breath I have left rushes out of me when he drops to his knees. I stare down at him in disbelief. Everything about the past five minutes has been drenched in disbelief. His words echo in the small space. Closing in around me. He loves me. He sounded so sure. So confident. I stare down at him and my eyes fixate on the errant gray hairs on the crown of his head. There aren't many, just a couple. But as my mind tumbles and tosses around the words he's just said, I can only stare down at the top of his head and think, he's too young to have gray hair.
And the hairs, they serve as a reminder of the time that's past. Of the years that this moment has led up to. I've loved him since before he had those gray hairs. I've loved him since that moment on the rooftop, when I kissed him for the first time. And then he told me about her.
And now he we are all those years later. And I've gotten my wish.
Right?
He loves me back.
And he's not drugged up or losing consciousness. The words aren't slurred or soft.
They are strong and sure.
They are confident.
And I don't know what to do.
I truly and fully don't know what to do.
I want to stay. I want to leave.
I want to tell him I love him too.
I want to tell him I hate him for holding my heart hostage for five years.
I want to know why he didn't say anything sooner.
I want to know why he left.
I want to...oh.
His hands grip my hips and I feel his fingers find their way up my skirt and pull at the flimsy fabric that separates me from the heat of his breath and the touch of his tongue.
Is this what I want?
My skirt is up around my waist and then his lips close over me and I can't think anymore.
I dont want to think anymore.
I just want to feel. I want to let go and let this happen.
Because I need it. I need him.
And with that, my hands leave the cool metal of the elevator wall behind me and shakily reach out to weave their way through his hair, my palms covering the grays as I direct him to where I need it most.
And now it's just sensations. His mouth moves against the swollen flesh and he knows instantly how he affects me. He can taste it, he can feel how utterly soaked and ruined I am for him.
His hand gently pull at my leg and hooks it over his shoulder.
I swallow hard, my throat tight and dry and I squeeze my eyes shut, as he brings me to the brink and then retreats in the most deliciously frustrating way.
He continues this method. Drawing me out to the precipice and then pulling me back in. Over and over, until I think I will weep with need. His lips, his tongue move in ways that suggest he's known me and what I want for so much longer than he has.
He's only done this once before. My birthday, three years ago.
The intimacy and trust that comes with this act, is in an area we haven't delved into much. Our coupling in the past, although satisfying, always held something back. As if neither of us were willing to give ourselves over completely.
But now, the way he feasts on me, I have no choice but to let go, lose control. Lose myself in him. Because right now, he surrounds me.
And just before I become completely undone, just before he pulls that bundle of nerves in between his lips and worries the flesh gently between his teeth, just before all I can feel and see are the bursts of light and pleasure that clog my senses, I let out a moan, then another and I say his name. I say it over and over. Pleading in my voice. Begging. And then it finds me. The sensations overtake me as I ride the waves of pleasure, my hands clenching his thick dark hair, holding him in place. Allowing myself to feel something I haven't felt in nearly a year. Sure I was a healthy young woman and there were times when I needed to satisfy my own frustrated desires, but never was I able to do this, illicit a response from my body like this.
And while I'm still in a daze, he stands up and crushes his body into me, pushing me back into the elevator wall. Instinctively my back arches against the hard metal and into his solid chest.
His mouth is on mine and I can taste myself and it doesn't bother me like I thought it might. My body, my brain is too overwhelmed to care.
I kiss his back. My mouth moving quick to keep up with him. There is nothing now, but us. For now at least.
My hands move quickly to the button on his jeans. I know that nothing I do now I will regret. I know it will make things more complicated but at this moment, it's been too long. And I need to feel him.
I need him inside of me.
As my fingers fumble with his pants, Sid pulls back, his mouth impossibly swollen and wet.
"Becs," he says hoarsely. His cheeks are red and his pupils dilated.
I stare up at him. I want to say the words.
I want to tell him that I love him too. I want this right now and I want him to know that I love him. I want to say those words while we make love.
But they won't come. Try as I might, I just can't say them out loud.
Because I did. Once before.
And it's left me in pieces ever since.
So instead I kiss him. And I hope that in that kiss he knows.
And I dont stop. I work at the button on his jeans, my fingers trembling and not quite able to complete the task.
Sid's hands come up to mine and for a moment I think he is going to stop me.
"Please," I say, my voice sounding faint and faraway.
He studies me, then brushes his large hand across my forehead. It's damp and I feel the coolness as the wet strands sweep away from my skin.
He is impossibly beautiful as I watch him. And the way he's looking at me nearly stops me from breathing. I've never felt this open to him before. Never felt this level of intimacy and as much as I'm scared, I still want it.
So badly.
His touch has calmed me, just as much as it's excited me, so my fingers are a bit more steady now as I work at his zipper.
After that, it's a blur. Movements, rustling and then he falls into me, and a moment later, I feel the length of him enter me. I am more than ready for him, but it still takes a minute for my body to stretch to accommodate his size.
And when it does I am complete. Like the final puzzle piece snapped into place.
My arms wrap around his shoulders pulling him closer. I need to feel him against me. I can feel the pulse of him inside me, but I want to feel his heartbeat. I want to feel the drum against my chest. See if its moving as fast as mine is.
I hold him tight and learn that it is.
His head buries itself in my neck. The heat of his breath moistens my skins and he begins a steady pace.
I move with him. Together we ebb and we flow, moving steadily and the familiarity is what strikes me most.
How right this feels. How well we fit together.
I hold onto him tightly as he increases his pace. We reacquaint ourselves with what we like. He finds the sensitive spot on my neck to nip at while I wrap a leg around his concrete thigh, allowing for him to go deeper inside of me.
"Rebecca," he breathes into my skin.
His hands started off on the wall behind me, but now wrap around the small of my back, pulling me closer as our rhythm continues to build.
"Too long," he groans and I applaud him for being able to say words.
Me? Im just a string of sounds, moans and sighs, unable to catch a full breath, but not wanting to as he continues to thrust into me.
"I...can't...so...good." His speech is starting to fail him. The normally well spoken and sometimes prolific captain reduced to a struggled string of short words.
I can feel the build return, with each thrust I feel him hit that spot that makes me see stars.
His movements are becoming more erratic, the steady pace quickly going off track as I can tell he's getting close.
He angles his body just a little differently and suddenly he's pressing against my pubic bone and I can tell I wont be too far behind him.
"Rebecca," he says again and his mouth is moving across my cheek, struggling to find my lips and just when they do, he snaps his hips against mine and I feel the flood of his completion inside of me. And it's all I need to join him as I ride out the waves of pleasure followed by a feeling of pure bliss.
Neither of us move for a moment. I think it's hard to believe for either of us that this just happened. Not to mention in an elevator at work, the voice of reason pipes in that had been silenced since Sid dropped to his knees.
I dont want this to end. I don't like what happens after this.
Will it be different now?
It was so much easier when my brain was shut off. But I can't expect to spend my entire relationship with Sid in a lust filled haze that prevents me from ever thinking sensibly.
I have the man I love in my arms, telling me he loves me too. I am only seconds past some of the best sex of my life and I'm already worried about the fallout.
What is wrong with me?
His mouth is warm and soft as his lips move across my face. First my cheek, then my forehead and finally my nose.
"Stop thinking," he says, his gaze finding mine.
He smiles and I can't help but think that post-sex Sid is my favorite Sid. It's like he doesn't have a care in the world and I can't help but be envious of his easygoing demeanor. I'm jealous of how he can divorce him self from reason and logic.
He sees things so differently than I do.
But then again he always has.
And even in his arms, I can't help but remember that it's because of that I shouldn't stay.
It's because of that I've spent the last five years trying to figure out what my place was and reconciling the idea that I will always be second best. And even more than that, I gave up everything to be ok with that.
How do I tell him that even though I love him, the life I am living doesn't make me happy. That the person I thought I was going to be isn't this. That I do love him, but I don't know who am I for him to love. If this love is going to evolve, change from being one built on hurt and need, to something more healthy, more flourishing.
And how do I get past what happened?
And then as if he is reading my mind, his gaze catches mine. He's still inside me, we're still locked in an embrace. He looks at me with soft eyes and a tentative smile.
"I'm willing to forget what happened that night, if you are."
I stare at him.
Feeling my heart break again.
And I know that this will be the last time.
Then
Two Months Later
Rebecca stood in front of the mirror fiddling with the cap that she just couldn't get straight. She craned her neck over her shoulder, bobby pins held between her teeth as she arranged her hair and sought out the right angle she was looking for. When she'd finally found it, she pinned the cap into place and took a step back, satisfied with her work.
It was early May and the day had finally come. Graduation day. In less than two hours she would be a college graduate and one step closer in her carefully devised plan. In the the two months since she'd left the Penguins, she'd worked her full class load and two and a half jobs. The result was $2,463.49. A fraction of what she needed and she was mentally and physically exhausted. Since finding work, she'd developed a stringent and She was working afternoon and early evenings at the student union cafeteria and then shelving at the library until midnight, except for finals week, when she'd been able to pick up a few extra hours that kept her working into the early morning. When she wasn't working, going to class or studying, she was tutoring. Literally every minute of the past two months was accounted for. And all she had was $2463.49.
She'd spent the past week sending out resumes to every entry level job in the Philadelphia area and hoped that something would pan out. The problem was the pay was paltry at best and with the current economic climate, there weren't a lot of options. Unemployment was rising, jobs were at a premium and she was competing with one of the largest graduating class in the nation's history.
She was nervous, determined, but above all completely and utterly burnt out.
The one plus side to all of this was she didn't have much time to mend her broken heart.
She'd thought about Sid a lot over the past few months. Especially because it seemed like he was everywhere. The playoffs were in full swing and 87 was popping up all over campus. Games were on in the student union when Rebecca was leaving one job for another, lifesize posters lined the streets and conversations among students were buzzing with anticipation that perhaps the Penguins could get to the Stanley Cup for an unlikely second time in a row. Yes, everyone seemed to have Penguin fever.
Including her Dad and Molly. And they didn't even like the Penguins. Her family had arrived in town over the weekend, still feeling a little tender from the disappointing loss for the Flyers in the first round by the Pens. Nevertheless, they were there to attend her graduation, then help pack up her apartment and officially say goodbye to Pittsburgh.
Her father had wanted to get in touch with Claude while he was in town. It had been years since he'd seen his high school buddy and thought maybe the families could get together or the Cooper's could catch a playoff game while in town. Rebecca had all but begged him not to ask. She needed to move on and being at the Igloo would not help in healing her heart and making the goodbye to Pittsburgh any easier.
To be honest, Rebecca hadn't let herself think too much about leaving. The past four years had given her a strong connection to her mother and she knew she'd be back to visit Aunt Hilary and of course to visit her mother's gravesite. Overall she'd loved her time here. She'd made some good friends here and allowed herself to sort of fall in love. At least fall in almost love.
Part of her wanted to say goodbye to Sid. She didn't know how she would even reach him. It wasn't like she could call up the Igloo and ask for his extension. She didn't have his phone number and she knew he lived at Mr. Lemieux's house, so it wasn't like she could just stop by. And he certainly didn't have social media as an option to reach out. So if she wanted to get in touch with him, she was pretty much limited to writing to his official fan club and that just didn't seem appropriate.
But it didn't matter. Graduation day was here, it was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and graduation was being held at Panthers stadium. Making sure she had everything she needed, Rebecca took one final look in the mirror and then joined her father and Molly as they got ready to go.
Eight hours later, three exhausted Cooper's made their way back into Rebecca's small apartment. It was official, she was a college graduate. The ceremony had been nice, but really long. The keynote speaker talked about the future and opportunity, success and being open to whatever comes your way. He talked about unexpected paths and allowing yourself to go out of your comfort zone. Typical commencement speak, but Rebecca couldn't help but feel a little inspired by it all.
After graduation the whole family, include her aunt and uncle had gone out to dinner, then back to her aunt's for dessert, which ended up being a graduation cake. They'd chatted and laughed and even shed a few tears reflecting on Rebecca's mom and how proud of her daughter she would be today.
It was well after ten, as Rebecca changed out of her clothes and into pajamas. It was then that she noticed that she'd left her cell phone on the bedside table. It had been such a hectic day that she hadn't noticed that she didn't have her phone. She picked it up and began scanning the few text messages she'd missed and noticed she had a few missed calls, along with a couple voicemails. They weren't numbers she recognized but the area code was 412. Curious she checked her voicemail and as much as she chastised herself for thinking this, she wondered for a brief moment if they were from Sidney.
They were not.
But they were Penguins related, in fact there were two voicemails that gave Rebecca pause as she listened to them. The first was a woman with a very official sounding phone voice. She stated that she was calling from Mr. Shero's office and would she kindly return the call at her earliest convenience. The voice provided a phone number and that was it.
The second message was from Ray himself. The voicemail told her the call had come in just 30 minutes ago and the message itself seemed a little more frantic. Rebecca listened carefully.
"Hello, Ms. Cooper. This is Ray Shero calling from the Pittsburgh Penguins organization. My secretary left a message with you earlier, but it is imperative that you get back to me as soon as possible. We have a situation we need to discuss with you and it is extremely time sensitive. You may reach me on my mobile at 412-555-3256. You can call me at any time of day or night. Thank you."
Rebecca replayed the message and then again. Suddenly she wasn't so exhausted. What was the general manager of the Penguins calling her for? For a moment she wondered if someone had found out about her and Sid? It's not like anything really ever happened. Was everyone okay? The message seemed too urgent to just be some sort of paperwork problem or residual issue from when she'd worked there.
She wondered if she should call him. He'd told her to call any time and it wasn't even 10:30 on a Saturday night. Pulling up the number in her history, Rebecca pressed send and waited for Mr. Shero to pick up.
The call was brief, they spoke only for a few minutes, but Rebecca's mind was reeling from what had just transpired.
Claude had suffered a heart attack. Early this morning. He was in ICU at Presbyterian hospital. He was expected to make a full recovery, but would be out of commission for a few weeks and even then, as his doctors had told him, any work or exertion would need to be on a part-time basis. Mr. Shero, Ray, as he had asked her to call him, wanted to see her tomorrow. To discuss some options. Claude needed to expand his staff, take on a full-time assistant. The stress had gotten to Claude and Rebecca had been the best intern the staff had seen in years. She knew the travel and hospitality department inside and out. Anyone on staff who had known Claude's archaic system was long retired and no one had been trained on the new changes Rebecca and Claude had made. Rebecca was surprised that she could hear the desperation in Ray's voice. The few times she'd ever encountered the GM he'd seemed cool and collective, but now he sounded a bit unhinged. Rebecca had felt overwhelmed with worry about Claude and the idea of going back to the Igloo, but between the commencement speech today and Ray's all but pleading request. She agreed to meet. She mentioned her father and sister being in town and immediately Ray offered for them to come and get a tour of the Igloo, along with tickets for the whole family for that afternoon's playoff game.
She would see him. Even if it was from the stands, even if he knew she wasn't there. And she might be staying in Pittsburgh. Everything might be changing course. But where did that leave them?
Was there even a them? It had been a few months, he probably had a girlfriend. Guys like Sid didn't stay single long, not even with crazy hectic schedules. If she was to consider taking on this job, she couldn't entertain the thought of them being together. It was preposterous and not to mention incredibly inappropriate. It was one thing when she was a starry-eyed college student who was just getting a college credit and a small stipend, this would be completely different.
Trying not to overanalyze, Rebecca went out into the living room to tell her family the news.
Sid walked briskly from the rink towards the locker room. Game 3 the Eastern Conference Semifinals was today and the team was down 2-0 in the games had been close and Sid was playing at a high level but he was starting to wonder if it was enough. The series was now back in Pittsburgh, which allowed him to do his routine a little more comfortably, but it was a day game and those always threw him off a little bit. Everything was rushed with a one o'clock start and he needed to get his head in the game. But he and the team were distracted. They was still reeling from the news that their beloved long time travel secretary had suffered a heart attack. Over the past few months, whenever Sid had passed by Claude's office, the older man always seemed frazzled, more so than ever before. He looked disorganized and overwhelmed. Sid had never paid a lot of attention to the one man department, but he knew enough to know that things ran a lot more smoothly when Rebecca was working with Claude.
Rebecca.
Sid had thought about her a lot over the past few months. He couldn't believe how easily she had walked away from everything. He knew he hadn't been perfect and had messed up on the "group date." He'd found himself more flustered than he'd anticipated with her and really had blown it that night at the movies. And now he missed her. More than he expected. Life had been busy these past few months, but often he thought about her, until it was time for him move on and close that brief but meaningful chapter. He was determined now more than ever to make this playoff run count and now the team had something more to drive them towards the finish line. They would do it for Claude.
But no matter how focused he was on the way to the locker room, he couldn't help but notice the young girl walk by with a Flyers shirt on. He paused for a moment and did a double take. She looked around Taylor's age and she seemed to have no qualms about wearing the rival shirt. He wondered if she was going to the game like that. If so, she was sure to be heckled no matter what her age was. He thought briefly that her father (he assumed the man who she was with held that position) would think better than to allow that, but after being in the league for four years, nothing should really surprise him.
What did surprise him was that they were with Ray, who was leading their tour and he seemed not to be too concerned.
"Sid," Ray said congenitally with a nod.
Sid stopped to say hello. Despite the appearance of Flyer fans, he wanted to be polite.
"Hey," he said with a friendly smile.
"This is Daniel and Molly." Ray said introducing the pair. The names seemed familiar, but what he recognised more was the pair of green eyes on the girl that he'd seen before.
And Ray didn't say it but Sid suddenly knew who they were.
This was Rebecca's family.
He convinced himself that his pulse didn't quicken just a fraction and if he was thrown off he wouldn't show it, he was too good to show it.
"Hello," Sid said putting out his hand, "It's nice to meet you."
Daniel Cooper looked a little starstruck. "Hello, great to meet you too. We are big fans." He said with a smile.
Sid looked down at Molly's shirt and gave a grin.
"Are you sure about that?"
Daniel looked embarrassed. "She insisted on wearing it, she's stubborn." The man ruffled the girl's head as Molly looked at him boldly with no apologies.
Sid crouched down and smiled at the girl, she looked just like her sister. "Flyers fan huh?"
Molly nodded emphatically, "Since I was born." She said proudly. "I bleed orange and black."
Sid was taken aback by her intensity, but didn't show it. "Well, tough break for them this year, but they put up a good fight." He said diplomatically. "I appreciate your loyalty, but maybe wear this for the game, so you don't make too many enemies." With that, he pulled the Penguins Hockey t-shirt up and over his head and handed it to the girl. Molly didn't seem to know what to do. She looked torn between wearing her rival's shirt and the fact that a superstar like Crosby had just given her the shirt off his back. Finally her eyes lit up and she took the shirt, slipping it over her head and letting it drown her petite form.
She looked up at her dad, eyes shining, "Dad, look."
Daniel smiled, "I see, you know sweetie we are going to have to reconsider becoming Pens fans now that Becky is going to be working here."
Sid froze at Daniel's words. He stood up and this time he couldn't mask his shocked reaction. "I'm sorry?"
Ray smiled and clapped Daniel on the back. "We are so happy to have her on board."
Then the GM turned to Sid. "Rebecca Cooper, an intern we had this past year has accepted a job as assistant to the travel secretary. She is going to help us out while Claude is out and then assist him with day to day operations in that department. This is her father and sister. They are visiting from the Philadelphia area." It was strange to hear Ray talk to him about Rebecca, as if Sid didn't know who she was. Sid knew he had to look like an idiot as the men continued to talk.
Daniel smiled at Ray, "Yep, we were all set to pack Becky up this weekend and bring her back to Delaware and now she has a full time job. She's over in HR just getting things settled." Daniel explained, his thumb jetted over to the side indicating where Rebecca was. "How quickly things change, eh?"
Sid just stared at Daniel.
It was only for a second, but he was still trying to process all of this.
And then he heard voices and turned his head to look down the hall.
And there she was. Chatting with a woman from human resources. A folder in hand. She'd cut her hair, but otherwise she looked the same.
And Mr. Cooper was right.
How quickly things can change.
***Author's note: Sorry on the delay (insert broken record). Hope you enjoy and review if you can!***
