Then
Morning came too quickly, the sun barely out. His alarm startled him out of his sleep, 6:05. For a moment Sid didn't know where he was, his mouth was full of cotton and he had a raging headache. Then it all came back to him. Rebecca was in bed with him. During the night she'd moved face down into her pillow, her arms and legs at all angles. He smiled at the thought of her being a rather difficult sleeping partner and notice she gave no indication of stirring. He didn't want to leave her, but this morning was the parade. It was going to be a long day, but he was excited, he'd finally get to share the cup with the entire city. He reluctantly rose, used the bathroom, then quietly began to dress.
"Becs," he whispered.
She didn't move, not an inch. He could see the steady rise of shoulders, so she was definitely breathing, but other than that, she was dead to the world.
A surge of affection overcame him. Last night had been amazing. More than his dreams had ever taken him. And he wanted her again. And again and again. He knew that she was made just for him, in every way possible. He'd been with a lot of women, but none made him feel the way Rebecca had last night. They fit together. It was that simple.
His eye caught the hotel notepad and he crossed the room, grabbed a pen and began to write.
Had to go to parade. Meet me later, the old equipment room, 2pm. I want last night every night, come and say you do too. - Love Sid.
He jotted down his number, just in case. He walked back over to the bed and carefully placed the note on the pillow next to her. Leaning down, he kissed the top of her head and slipped out the door.
Hours later Rebecca opened her eyes and was immediately hit with a massive hangover. It took her longer to figure out where she was, everything felt so foreign, as her brain languidly put the pieces together she was hit with a violent wave of nausea. Throwing back the covers she never noticed how the blankets and sheets covered the space next to her, burying a small piece of paper. Still nude, she raced right to the bathroom, where she proceeded to empty the contents of her stomach into a fancy toilet. The memories came flooding back to a head that was supporting a painful splitting headache. It was hazy as she pieced together the events of last night. Despite feeling like shit, she felt the happy buzz of excitement flow through her as she remembered her and Sid and the night they shared. She had given herself to him fully and he the same. She experienced pleasure and love like she had never thought was possible. She could only imagine what he was thinking now, as she was sure the sound of her barf echoed loudly from the bathroom. Pulling herself together, she rinsed her mouth and smoothed her hair in the mirror. She took in the racoon eyes and the love bites that covered her skin. She looked like she had some strange disease as purple marks covered her neck and torso. Rebecca's face flushed. She didn't regret it. Not a single moment. She hoped he felt the same. She shuffled back into the room, feeling a little shy. It was then that she realized she was alone. The bed was just a mess of blankets and there was no sign of him. His clothes were gone, she looked around for any sign that he was coming back or didn't leave because he realized this was a terrible idea. His number and note or something. But there was nothing. It was like it had never happened. Except it had, because her body was covered in marks and her body was sore in the best way. Last night had happened. But he was gone. Without a word. Immediately the sting in the corner of her eyes began to burn. He'd left her? Why would he do that? The events of last night quickly flooded her brain. They made love for hours, many times. Her cheeks burned at what she had done, the things she had said, how shamelessly she had begged for him. And then she remembered one last thing. Just before falling asleep. Uttering those three words into the darkness. And the mumbled reply, that she couldn't quite make out.
But he had heard her. And now he was gone. And the panic began to set in. The doubt. The uncertainty. The stupidity for saying something like that, to someone like him. Someone like him. They lived in two different worlds, it had been her mantra for months, denying that anything could happen. But it did and even though it seemed so unlikely, so farfetched, she had one small shred of belief that he believed in this too. It wasn't all just to get her into bed. To conquer and then flee. To mark that notch and move on. She may be naive but she believed just a little that this was real.
She quickly got dressed. She made sure she had her bag and her phone. She looked at her phone stupidly. Hoping she'd see some message from him, but he didn't have her number, she didn't have his. In the quiet of the room, with her head throbbing, her throat burning and her body worn out, she let out a soft sob.
She took the walk of shame, down the hotel hall, down the elevator and through the lobby. As soon as she stepped out into the street Rebecca was met with a sidewalk full of people. They were all in Pens gear and there were thousands of them. And then it hit her. The parade. This morning was the parade. Sid was at the parade. Relief washed over her. He had to leave to go to the parade. She was still a little bothered that he hadn't woken her to tell her, but now things made so much more sense. She looked at the time, she still could make it. Physically she wanted to go crawl into bed until she didn't feel like complete garbage, but mentally, emotionally, she wanted to see him. She had to see him, she had to try.
A few hours later, she walked towards the Igloo. There were so many people, she wondered if she could even get through. She pushed through the masses, everything taking so much longer than it should, it was strange that they all seemed to be moving against her, but she didn't have time to question it or even care. The guys were coming back to the Igloo after the parade was over. She would find him. Maybe he would be happy to see her, maybe not. Maybe the simple answer was that he just left. That all the talk of it just being her, was just that, talk.
But she had to know.
Upon entering the Igloo and flashing her credentials, Rebecca went in search of everyone. She saw some staff celebrating and workers taking down tables and collecting garbage. Before she could process what was going on, she heard a voice piped up behind her, "Rebecca!"
She turned to see Chelsea coming towards her. A smile on her face, but looking as tired as Rebecca felt.
"Hey girl!" Chelsea said with enthusiasm. "You disappeared last night!"
Rebecca couldn't stop the blush that stained her cheeks and Chelsea's jaw dropped.
"Holy cow, did you? With Sid? Omigod, how was it? Wait, no don't tell me. But really, was it great? That's where you went right? I mean, I didn't see Sid either. But not that I was looking. I mean, I got a room with Max. I know, I know, it's so embarrassing. He is a total man-whore and my father would kill him. Kill me too. But nothing happened. Not really. We made out for a while and then fell asleep. Rip roaring time huh? I'm paying for it today."
Chelsea made Rebecca's head spin.
"Sorry," Chelsea grinned, "I've had a lot of caffeine today. I mean a lot. And now I'm drinking. Hair of the dog. Did you see the parade? I mean it was insane. Did you miss it? They are wrapping things up here, but then everyone is going to the South Side. Do you want to go?"
Rebecca felt her blood run cold.
"Did they leave already?" Rebecca's voice was hoarse and panicked.
Chelsea shrugged. "Yeah, most of them. Not too long ago. Are you okay? You look…" She trailed off, studying Rebecca.
"I gotta go." And with that Rebecca took off and headed towards the exit to the parking lot, leaving Chelsea standing there confused. The South Side would be a shit show. She had to talk to him now.
It took only a few minutes to get outside. There were players, family and staff everywhere. People were packing up, getting ready to leave. Rebecca scanned the crowd and saw Troy and Trina. She hoped he was there too. She didn't know what she would say or how this would all be perceived. She found that she didn't care.
She got closer and closer and then she saw the back of his head. Relief washed over her. But then the whole picture came into view. There was someone with him. A blond head. Connected to a tall thin frame.
Katy.
Rebecca felt like she'd been hit by a truck. The hangover had nothing on what she was feeling now.
She took a step back and stopped.
She couldn't move forward, she couldn't go back.
And that jealous, that ugly green monster raged inside her. Katy had been at the parade. Katy had known to get up early this morning and be there to celebrate. While Rebecca slept alone in that hotel room, Katy had been here, cheering on who? Her boyfriend? He'd told Rebecca there was no one else. He'd said those words. So what did Katy think was going on? In Katy's mind was Sid still her boyfriend? And what did that make Rebecca?
She had to know. Rebecca looked back to the site where the Crosbys had been and saw only Troy, Trina and Taylor. Sid and Katy were gone. Rebecca continued to scan the crowd. This was ridiculous. She was ridiculous. She was chasing some boy. Some stupid boy. Some stupid boy she was in love with. It was so pathetic.
Defeated, she headed back into the arena and that's when she saw it.
Saw them.
Sid and Katy getting into the elevator. She stood there frozen, not sure if he could see her. And what he would do if he could? What he would do if he saw the shock and then heartbreak on her face? The complete and utter brokenness of reality slamming into her.
And then Katy looked up and from fifty feet away, Rebecca and she met eyes. Then just as the doors began to close, Rebecca watched her lace her fingers into Sid's. And then they were gone.
And that was all Rebecca needed to know. There had been a choice and he made it. And it wasn't her. And with her heart hardened a little bit more, Rebecca turned and walked away.
Sid shook his hand free from Katy's grasp. They were on their way to talk. She'd surprised him at the parade. He'd met up with his family after the festivities and was surprised to see her there. They still needed to have "the talk." He'd put everything on hold during the playoffs and in that time, he'd come to the realization that he wanted to be with Rebecca. That he loved her. Katy had sort of disappeared, so he'd naively thought that she'd gotten the hint and moved on. But here after the parade, she'd come up and embraced him while his family looked on with sickening smiles on their faces, he realized he needed to clear things up with Katy, before he met up with Rebecca. He was hoping to have gotten a text from her, but so far nothing. Surely last night meant everything to her as it had to him.
Katy frowned when he pulled his hand away. He told her that while he appreciated her supporting him, they needed to have a conversation. And so they exited the elevator and ended up having an awkward and brief discussion in a quiet corridor. Katy seemed miffed at him, but he didn't know what she expected. She'd thought being back in the states and the summer coming up that the timing would work well. He disagreed. She asked if there was someone else and he danced around the topic. The truth, he told her, was that whatever feelings that were once there, were gone now and he wasn't open to trying again. His tone was formal and she bristled at his words. But it was what needed to be said and needed to be done. And now he could move forward with Rebecca with no guilty conscience.
And the freedom, the excitement he felt as he went to the equipment room to meet her put a broad smile on his face and a jump in his step.
At two o'clock his palms were sweating. At 2:05, he checked his phone. At 2:15, he paced, growing anxious. At 2:20, a fog of uncertainty began to creep slowly in, but he stayed hopeful. 2:30, 2:45, 3:00. His phone was going off with people asking where he was and what was holding him up. Messages and calls but none from who he wanted. And he waited, until 4 o'clock. He would never tell anyone that. He would never admit to anyone that he waited two hours for a girl, who never came. Never called. He'd known how uncertain she was, how many times she questioned this working. He really thought it was different now. But as he walked out of the training room, defeated and a little broken hearted himself, he realized it wasn't enough...he wasn't enough to change her mind.
He went to the south side and got extremely drunk. He flirted with girls and carried the cup from bar to bar. In the morning he slept through locker cleanout. He made a few calls and had his things packed up. By early evening he was on a plane.
And that was it.
Now
"...and if that wasn't enough. If I didn't get the hint then, I went to find you. I scraped my pride off the floor of that hotel room and I looked for you. After the parade. And I saw you, with her. I saw you get in the elevator with her." She can barely speak right now, but I am too shocked to even notice. I think I'm going to throw up.
She's swiping at her cheeks and keeping a safe distance.
"And I didn't see you again. Nothing. And that fall. When you came back…" She pauses. Fighting to try and say the next few sentences without crumbling into a heap. "You wouldn't even look at me. You were so cold."
My brain can't process the words. I feel like I'm watching a movie. No a play, a Shakespearean tragedy. What she is saying...it doesn't make sense. It's not right. That wasn't what happened.
"For months, I kept rewinding and playing over and over what happened. Wondering what I did wrong. That I scared you by telling you that I loved you. That you didn't want what I thought you did. That you didn't feel the same way, that for you it had just been a one night stand. A drunk mistake." She swallows, trying to compose herself. I can't even move.
"And then I got used to it. You ignoring me...I figured I could mend a broken heart, I only had eight months left until I could quit and go to Yale. But then…" a quiet sob comes from the back of her throat. The actual sound of complete anguish. "But then, Claude died. And...we did it again. But it was different. It was detached, like we were strangers. But it was still a comfort. And I was weak and needed whatever I could get. And it wasn't supposed to happen again. But it did and I couldn't let go. And I could tell that you weren't quite sure. So I made it easy for you and I made a deal with myself, it would be just sex, no matter how my heart hurt, no matter how much I still loved you even after you made it clear you didn't love me back. I gave you what you wanted. I just asked that you not do it with me, when you were with her. I told myself, for all those years that I could live this way. That any part of you was enough and then last spring, I had a…scare and I knew that I couldn't live this way anymore. And then before the Olympics, the rumors that you were going to marry Katy. I knew it was time for me to move on, even if it wasn't true, it was enough for me to realize that I was just spinning my wheels. But then you confused me by not letting go and you made me feel like you loved me back. And we spent more time together and it felt so nice and fun and right. And then you said it. Right when I'm leaving you said that you loved me. And it was everything I was suppose to want. But I couldn't figure out why. How? How through all these years of sneaking around and keeping me at arm's length, how could you say you loved me? I gave up everything for this arrangement. After Claude died, I couldn't leave. I really believed I could keep it all going, that I was right for the job. Or at least I told myself that. And there was you. And I loved you. So I stayed. And then finally, when I decided enough was enough and that I deserved to live the life that I had put on hold, you now decide to love me?"
She's calmer now. The tears falling slower as she speaks, as she recounts the last five years. And how differently she saw them than I did. But that is just the beginning. Because there are questions and there is confusion. Because what she is saying is not what happened. And she doesn't know. I don't know how, but she doesn't know.
And the realization nearly bowls me over. I really think I'm going to be sick. I can't breathe just thinking how wrong everything went. I was so sure for so many years that she didn't show up because she had cold feet or didn't care the way I thought she did. I thought, she was sensible. A night in some hotel room after too much alcohol and celebrating was just an indiscretion. That I was an indiscretion that was a speed bump in her road to her goals. I was a mistake.
Because I waited for her. I stayed there long after she was supposed to come.
She never showed up. I waited and she never came.
And all summer I thought about her, I was celebrating a summer of victory and every day I thought of her. I thought about what happened in the hotel, replaying over and over the months leading up to that night. Believing that something was there. Believing that I loved her and hurting so much that she didn't feel the same.
And then when I came back that next season, she acted like it never happened. And it hurt. It hurt so badly that I tried to move on.
That winter Claude died. His second heart attack, he didn't survive. And it broke Rebecca. She took it so hard. And I couldn't stay away. I couldn't close my heart off to her. So we found comfort in one another. Our bodies unable to deny the attraction, as much as our heads and our hearts protested. As much as she intoxicated me, as much as I craved her, I tried to hold back. Self preservation. I had to steel my heart, just to survive. And then she made the proposal. And as much as i tried, I couldn't say no. When it came to her, I could never say no.
"You didn't get my note." I say tonelessly.
Rebecca stares at me dumbfounded confirming my suspicions.
"What note?" she asks with a slight panic to her voice.
"I loved you then," I say quietly. "I loved you then, I love you now and I've loved you all the times in between. I've loved you since that night on Max's roof. I had to leave that morning. The parade, we had to be at the Igloo early. I left before sunrise. I didn't want to wake you. So I left you that note. I asked you to meet me afterwards. I wanted you to give me a chance, give us a chance. Katy came with my parents to the parade. I didn't invite her. She'd been hanging around hoping we could talk. I told her that it wasn't going to work. I told her that in the elevator, then I went to go meet you. But you never showed up. I didn't hear you...say that you loved me. Becs, I swear I wish I had. I waited for you. I've been waiting for you for five years."
She shakes her head and the color drains from her face. "There was no note." She says, the panic unmistakable now.
I nod emphatically trying to will her to know what she hasn't for so long."I put it right next to you...on the pillow. I didn't have your number...I didn't think you would miss it."
New tears roll down her face. Big tears slide down her face and I know that these tears aren't of anger or sadness, but rather of loss, of grief, the death of a relationship that never really got to live. Tears that tell me for five years we were both too proud and too stupid to ever find out what really happened.
I stand there silent and it's not until I feel the wetness at my jawline that I realize I'm grieving too.
"I never saw it." She chokes out, "I thought...I didn't think...oh god…" She doesn't finish her thought, but instead collapses into a nearby chair.
And I stand there thinking about that piece of paper. The scrawl on the hotel notepad and how important those few words were. That simple request.
I don't know how she didn't see it, I don't know what happened to it.
All I know it that night changed everything for me and for the first time in five years, I know it changed for her too.
Moments pass, complete and utter silence. Neither quite sure what to do next. The root of our problems lie in our inability to take that step, the scary step, the put yourself out there step.
Rebecca looks up. She brushes away the tears and looks at me.
"I'm sorry." She pauses, trying and failing to maintain composure. "I'm so so sorry."
I'm at her side in just a few strides. I pull her up and into my arms, holding her as she shamelessly wraps her arms around me holding me tight, crying into my shoulder. She mumbles into my shirt, "I love you, I'm sorry," over and over as I hold her, my hand brushing her hair, soothing her the only way I know how.
All the walls are gone. And I think no matter how painful this has all been, in some ways it's been what we've needed. An opportunity to put it all out there. To not hold back. To finally know the truth. And what they say is right. It's cliche, but it's true, "The truth will set you free."
And for the first time since I walked down that hall towards the equipment room all those years ago, I feel free again. And whether she stays or leaves, I know that we will be okay. Because I'm not letting her go. Time and distance no longer matters. Because I love her and she loves me, and no matter how long it takes, we are going to be ok.
Sometimes the only way to love, is the longest way.
***Author's note: Whew. That was so much longer and more exhausting than I imagined. . Thank you all so so so so much for your patience in getting to this place. The story isn't over! But now you know everything and going forward there will be no "mysteries" and happier times are ahead (although the next chapter or two will be all the "in between time", so there is still a little more angst. Many years ago I read a fan fiction where two "sort of" enemies reunited at a wedding and had a one night stand. The story resumed four years later and centered around the pair having to work together and how a tentative friendship started with both thinking the other didn't see that night more than just a one time thing and how the friendship turned to love. At the end of the story it is revealed that a note had been left in the hotel and the girl never saw it. And of course they get together happily ever after. The story always stuck with me and was the inspiration for this story. There is still a lot to go with this story, so stay tuned. Your reviews and support mean so much! I'm so excited the season is just about here! Go Pens!***
