March 2010

"What do you mean they are missing?"

My dad's voice is sharp and it's a tone that I know all too well. This isn't the first time this has happened. It's been a few years, but throughout my whole career, even as a kid, my gear would go mysteriously missing. Sometimes I got it back, sometimes I didn't. As a kid it was usually a tactic to keep me from playing. Moms would send their sons into the locker room to grab gear, equipment, skates, whatever they could that would keep me from playing. As I got older, the missing gear became more as opportunity to make money. Like I said its continued throughout my career, so it's not entirely a surprise when my dad takes a call from Hockey Canada to inform us that a few things have disappeared.

And it sucks. I won't tell the media that when they ask. I'll smile and shrug as if it's something that doesn't surprise me or even bothers me.

Which is the truth and a lie at the same time.

I watch as my father paces the apartment I keep in the city. Used mostly for when my parents come to visit or on game days when I need my mid afternoon nap, the apartment is my retreat. I love the Lemeiux's and being with my surrogate family helps keep my head straight, but there is something about this place that allows me to just be.

It's been a few days since I returned from Vancouver and my brain is still trying to process it all. How does that book go? It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a roller coaster for sure and I'm not sure if I would change anything about it. There of course was the goal, the medal. I replay that moment over and over and even now, it doesn't seem real. It was one of the best moments of my life, the whole thing moving in slow motion. The split second from when the puck hit my tape to when it found the back of the net. And then everyone went crazy. Including myself. And I've been on this high ever since.

But it's not all good. On the ice, life couldn't be better. Standing there with the gold medal around my neck less than a year after lifting the cup, all my dreams coming true. Off the ice. Well that's another story.

But I guess I should start at the beginning.


I knew something was off the minute she walked through the players lounge just a few days after we got back from the Western Canada road trip. Rebecca, with her arms full of folders, doled out the agendas to all the players who were making the trip to Vancouver. Her face was blank, but beneath the stony surface I could see just a smidge of pain. I stupidly thought it was just her feeling bad that so many guys weren't getting an agenda for winter games travel. But when she wordlessly handed me the glossy folder with the Pens insignia on the front, I looked at her, really looked at her and I knew that it wasn't pain. It was hurt.

We hadn't spoken since that night in the hotel room. I could say there hadn't been any time and that would have been true. But if I was being completely honest with myself, I was avoiding the subject. Because it's complicated. And I don't like complicated. My feelings for Rebecca are simple, but our history isn't. So as I tried to get myself in the right head space regarding how and when we could talk and maybe move forward, something happened. Rebecca distributed those folders and was gone like lightning and when I opened up the folder, I suddenly knew what that something was. As I looked through the papers, my heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach and I wondered how I could be so stupid. I should have said something right then and there. I should have gone up to her office and told her it was a mistake, a misunderstanding. Explain that list had been turned in months and months ago. That I had totally forgotten to remove Katy's name.

But I didn't.

Because I didn't know what to say. I talk to people everyday. I come up with sound bite after sound bite in front of crowds of people, no problem. But talking one on one to a 21 year old girl who looks at me with a mix of contempt, confusion and lust makes me tongue tied and nervous. Not that I would ever admit that to anyone. Sure I can joke with her, talk about senseless stuff, but to have a serious conversation, one that involves feelings and definitions, one that makes me talk to the woman I want about the woman I don't...no, I wimp out every time.

I arrived Vancouver and a couple days later my family arrived. Along with Katy. She and I had texted a few times, she was so excited for the games. She said she knew that we were on a break, but that she still wanted to come support me. I hadn't been in the mood to deal with it, so I said sure.

The setup in Vancouver was pretty nice. The Olympic village was amazing and the hotel the committee had set us up in was four star. It seemed like we were moving from one activity to the next, the whole thing a whirlwind. It was interesting being with guys who most of the year were my enemies, but for just a few weeks were now my teammates.

We started off hot, but when we faced Switzerland in our second game, things got tight. It went to a shoot out and I scored the game winning goal on a nasty wrister. After the game, the mood was light. Guys joked around, talked with the media, showered and dressed. Everywhere we went there was just throngs of people. Coming out of the locker room, my parents, Katy and Taylor stood patiently waiting for me. My mom gave me one of her famous hugs, while my dad clapped me on the back, an admiration in his eyes that a rarely saw. Katy, wearing hockey canada gear from head to toe approached me next. With a warm embrace, her mouth brushed at the side of mine in a light kiss. She pulled back and looked at me with bright eyes and a wide smile. My eyes flickered away, uncomfortable with the moment and then suddenly it was like a dream. It was like when you take a heavy hit and you're upended onto the ice, and for a brief moment the world looks strange because of the odd angle you are at. That was what what happened next felt like. Because suddenly I was looking at Rebecca and I couldn't understand why.

"Sidney!" a young voice broke my shocked stare, as I watched Rebecca's little sister come running towards me. She stopped right in front of me and held up her hand waiting for a high five, "Great game!."

My brain was slow to process as I lightly smacked her hand. She wore a red hockey Canada sweatshirt and as her dad and Rebecca approached, the latter much slower than the former, I noticed they all wore red Hockey Canada sweatshirts. A few official looking guys started to step in, but I gave them a wave of my hand and stared at the Cooper family in complete disbelief.

"Nice job," Mr. Cooper said, nodding at me and then my family.

ANd then suddenly in the strangest way possible stood together a group of people who had no business ever meeting. At least not like this.

Rebecca stayed back, not saying anything. I may have only gotten a glance, but it was enough to know that here was the last place she wanted to be.

For a moment there was an awkward silence. My parents, Taylor and Katy on one side, Rebecca, her dad and sister on the other. Everyone giving everyone else, curious smiles.

Then they all began to talk. Introductions and clarifications. Explanations and how are yous.

The Penguins gifted them this trip. He and Molly had never been to Vancouver. It was a once in a lifetime experience he told the group.

And I just stood there with a dumb expression on my face, my brain slowly realizing what was happening. And knowing that Rebecca had just seen Katy kiss me.

And my parents and Mr. Cooper were talking like old friends, as Taylor and Molly eyed each other up. I felt Katy's hand slip into mine and my eyes darted to Rebecca. She stood there, engulfed in the red hoodie that was her family's makeshift uniform, her dark hair pulled up in a ponytail, her cheeks pink from the cold of the arena and I watched her eyes flicker down to where Katy held my hand.

And it was more than I could take.

I shook my hand free and took a few strides forward, "Excuse me," I mumbled. Then bent my head low and spoke quietly, "Can I see you for a minute?"

Ignoring the gaping faces of my family, I gently tugged at Rebecca's sweatshirt and pulled her down the hall and out of earshot.

Wrenching herself free, she folded her arms and looked at me, "I'm not following you, if that's what you're thinking. My dad," she swallowed. "This has always been a dream of his. I couldn't say no. We're leaving on Saturday."

"No," I said, a smile creeping on my face. Despite everything, I was happy to see her. I was really glad she was here. "I'm just surprised. But glad, you saw the game. Maybe we could-"

"Hey, Cooper."

I was interrupted by the sound of a voice coming from down the hall, then watch as Drew Doughty comes walking towards us. Just when I thought I couldn't get any more confused.

Rebecca smiled and I felt a pang when I realized it was a smile I hadn't seen directed towards me in almost a year.

"Oh hi," she replied and I watched as she brushed back a nonexistant stray hair. I couldnt believe what I was seeing.

"You're coming tonight, right?" Dewey jerked his head at me in hello, then looked back at Rebecca, smiling like he wanted to have her for dinner. Lights flashed in my vision and I felt my whole body tense. What the fuck was happening here?

Rebecca nodded, "Yeah, we'll be there."

"Cool." He gave her a wink and continued on his way.

I must have looked like an idiot, because Rebecca is quick to explain. "A group is going to Karaoke. Chelsea is here, the hockey committee is doing a tribute to Claude, he was really involved with the hockey Canada. We met Drew and some of the guys in the Olympic village yesterday and they invited us to Karaoke. Tonight. So we're going to go. Chelsea and I."

She's nervous. She's rambling like she does when she's nervous but I can't figure out if it's because of the way I'm looking at her or if she's excited about whatever "this" is with Doughtry. If it's the latter I think I'm going to lose it.

I know things are complicated, but...I guess I never thought about there being someone else. Especially a sieve like Doughnut.

I just nod dumbly and realize that my and Rebecca's family are looking at us peculiarly.

"Well, I guess I'll see you tonight." I tell her with a forced smile.

She looks surprised, "You're going tonight?"

I nod, "Of course, I'm the captain." There is a tone that I don't usually like to use, but suddenly I'm afraid I'm fighting a battle I'm not confident I can win playing fair.

She just nods and turns back to her family. A minute later they are gone, but my head is swimming. And my parents and Taylor and Katy are staring at me like I'm supposed to say something.

But there is nothing to say.

I feel bad, but I don't tell Katy about Karaoke. She has a meeting downtown in the morning, so she was heading to bed early. We're not staying in the same room and the whole thing is strange. It's not like we're great friends. I liked dating her and at some point I cared a lot about her, but now, it's just weird. And I don't want it to be a distraction.

Especially since there is a whole new distraction taking up all my brain power.

The Olympic Village is a fuck fest. There is no better way to say it. Thousands of young, good looking, athletic people with nothing but time on their hands. Hook ups happen every where and some of the stories I've heard so far on the trip are enough to make the tip of my ears burn. The center of the village is a series of pop up clubs, restaurants, shops, you name it. And a local place has set up a Karaoke bar that has become a hot spot. I show up about half past nine with a group of guys. Immediately my eyes are scanning the space looking for the familiar face. It's not long until I spot her at a table with Chelsea and a couple of the guys from the team. She's laughing and I swallow as I take her in. Her hair is down and falls in loose waves around her shoulders. She's wearing a thick cream colored turtleneck sweater and her eyes are dark with makeup and her lips glossy. She let's out a laugh as I watch Dewey say something and it's enough to make my heart hurt.

I don't sing, most of the guys don't, but there are a few who like to ham it up, so they keep us entertained most of the night. Rebecca stays off to the side, but I find my eyes drifting her way all night. Timing is on my side about an hour in when I go up to the bar and find myself standing right next to her.

"Hey," I say trying to sound casual.

She looks up at me and I can tell she's buzzed by the glassy look in her eye.

"Hi," she says.

"Having fun?" I ask.

She nods. "I wasn't sure if I would, but yeah, this place is great. How about you? Are you going to sing? Does Katy sing?"

I feel a leap in my chest. There is a tinge of jealousy. Jealousy that wouldn't be there if she didn't care.

"She didn't come." I say. "She had an early meeting. Listen, Becs I know what it looks like but-"

But I don't finish my sentence, because suddenly Drew is there, he curls his arm around Becs shoulders and I can tell he's hammered.

"Cooper, come sing with me." He drawls his bulky body pressing up against her and it takes everything I have not to slam him into the bar.

Rebecca looks panicked, "Oh, I don't sing."

"C'mon," Drew pulls at her wrist, a little more forceful than I like.

"Dont fucking touch her," I seeth, my hand closes of his arm and pulls it off Rebecca.

"Whoa, Cros. Chill bud." Drew puts up his hands and looks from me to Rebecca.

WIth a lecherous grin he points at us, "What is this? You two fucking?"

Rebecca's face flushes and I just give him a murderous look. He takes the hint and backs away.

Rebecca gives me a look and turns to walk away, "Becs," I say lamely.

She turns to me, her eyes narrowed on mine, evidently she wasn't thrilled with that display.

"Leave me alone," she says.

"Stay away from him," I shout, trying to drown out the crowd. "He fucks around."

She stares at me, then in a voice, so quiet I barely hear her, she says, "I guess I have a type, huh?"

Then she's gone.

And that was it. I didn't see her again. I left shortly after watching her and Drew do a pretty awful duet of Crazy in Love. I didn't see her again and ten days later I made that goal in overtime. And the world went crazy.

Drew didn't bring up Rebecca. I was too prideful to ask what happened. But what my imagination comes up with makes me stomach turn. Katy went back home, nothing happened between us. She'll be gone for months down in the Caribbean and we haven't gotten back together.

And I want Rebecca to know that. I just don't know how to tell her.


It's 4 o'clock on Wednesday and I've just come off the ice from a late practice. There's a note at my stall. I collapse into my seat and start to peel off my gear. I open the folder paper and see one simple sentence. "Gear's been located." I lean back and let out a sigh of relief at Ray's scrawl on the Penguins letterhead. Twenty minutes later, I'm showered and dressed and heading up to Ray's office to thank him. It's stupid, but my pulse speeds up a little bit in anticipation of walking down the hall. Her door is closed as I pass and I keep walking until I reach the large corner office at the end.

"Hey," I say, knocking lightly at his open door. He's on the phone but ushers me in. I fold myself into one of the chairs across from his desk and wait.

It's only a minute and then he hangs up.

"Good news, eh?" He says, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

"Yeah," I say breathing out the tension that's been following me for days. "How'd you find it?"

"It was all Miss Cooper. She notified me today that she had located the items in a hangar at a small airport outside of Montreal. To be honest, I don't know how she did it. It was like a needle in a haystack. I will tell you, this was our top priority Sid. We take this sort of thing very seriously and Miss Cooper focused all her energy on this project, we are very proud to have her on our team."

He continues on, but I'm only half listening. I feel that familiar rush through my veins as I process his words. Rebecca found my gear. Rebecca who just weeks ago handed me a folder with complete knowledge that my ex-girlfriend was coming to the biggest event for my country only a few days after I led her on in that hotel room. Rebecca who looked at me with such disdain in that Karaoke bar. Rebecca, who has every reason to distrust me, hate me, even, has spent the past week trying to find some stupid gear for me.

I stand and thank Ray, shaking his hand firmly. I walk down the hall with purpose and in moments I'm at her door.

End of part I

Author's note: Part II is next. Thank you as always for your support, your feedback means everything!