"What do you mean they're missing?" I ask. I'm standing in Ray's office, having called into an emergency meeting this Wednesday afternoon in early March.
"The stick, the gloves, they're missing. Hockey Canada and the Olympic travel committee are on it, but I wanted to bring you into the mix as well. I'm hoping we can use some of our contacts to help with the effort." Ray explains, "I wanted to get you in on this because I know you could be a real asset with this project." He gives me a prideful smile. It's been like this ever since I turned him down for the job. He's been laying it on thick, hoping I will change my mind. Car service for when my car broke down for the 100th time, a trip to Vancouver for the Olympics, season tickets for the rest of the season for my family. It's a compliment, I won't deny that but this isn't my dream. But now I'm wondering, if that even matters.
"Does he know?" My voice is quiet. Ray looks up surprised.
"Does it matter?" he asks.
I nod.
Ray sighs, "Yes, he knows. His father too. He's expressed urgency in this matter. So see what you can do."
I nod again and slip out of his office.
Back at my desk I get to work. Even though, Sid isn't my favorite person right now, I know I have to do all I can to help. It's just so hard with him. He plays games with my head. He continues to give me mixed signals and I am just not built for that. I feel silly and foolish after having that conversation with Chelsea. Stupid and naïve. I feel like that those words follow me, shadow me and I hate it. Because I refuse to be either of those things. But at the same time my heart betrays me and I think back to a conversation I had with Sid over a year ago about his memories as a kid playing hockey. About how he'd wistfully recounted a game when he was twelve, where he'd scored the winning goal for the district championship. How he had taken one of his first interviews after the game but when he'd returned to the locker room, all his stuff was gone. The winning goal puck, his jersey, even his lucky wristband he'd gotten from his uncle for his 9th birthday. And he never saw any of it again. The story had started off as a pleasant memory but had shifted into unexpected disappointment. And he had been just a kid. And it still happened. And I knew it had to bother him. Had to hurt. So with a deep sigh, I pull out Claude's rolodex of contacts written in faded chicken scratch. It's a daunting task, but nevertheless I pull a card and start dialing.
By 5 o'clock, I've gotten through twenty-six names, but no luck. My gaze flickers to the open envelope on my desk. It's a letter from Yale, confirming my readmission to the Law Program and welcoming me to the Fall 2010 semester. I stare at the envelope. I don't want to open it. I don't want to pull the letter free and find the phone number listed at the bottom. I don't want to call and regretfully tell them I won't be attending this fall. I don't want to ask if I can try again the following year. I don't want to do any of it.
But I have to. I have to put Yale on hold once again. I have to tell Ray that I am accepting the position of Travel Secretary. I am putting if off, but at some point I have to accept that these are my decisions. And this is my life.
But I guess I should start at the beginning.
"Please don't be in there, please don't be in there." My inner voice is chanting the plea as I ride the elevator down to the player's lounge, my arms filled with folders. I'm hoping he's still on the ice or maybe in the locker room still getting dressed. I can leave his packet with Flower and get out there. I still haven't seen him since the road trip, since I realized that he and Katy were still...something and that I was once again the fool. I'd like to keep it that way. But as the elevator doors open and I make my way down the hall, I can already see that isn't going to happen. The players are milling about and he's the first one I see. He's always the first one I see. Taking a deep breath I steel myself and put a blank expression on my face. Just do it and go, don't look at him.
And that's what I do. In less than five minutes I'm done. I cheated and looked at him a little. I handed him his packet and when he said thank you, softly and hoarsely, I caved and stole a glance. But that was all.
But it was enough.
Later that day, Ray presented me the trip to Vancouver and told me about the special presentation in Claude's memory, the trip was for me and my family, all expenses paid. I called my dad and he was thrilled. I worried that he couldn't take the time off work and Molly from school but he said it wasn't a problem.
And a few weeks later, we touched down in Vancouver. We spent a few days sightseeing and the club got us tickets to a few events. My dad was so excited, being a single dad he had sacrificed so much for us, I was happy I could give him this. I met up with Chelsea and we spent one afternoon touring the Olympic Village. We had just sat down for lunch when Chelsea spotted some players that she knew. My pulse sped up with the fear Sid was among them, but he wasn't. Who was among them was a guy named Drew who pulled up a seat next to me.
"Hi there" He said with a wide and easy grin. He made me nervous, but I wasn't sure why.
"Hello," I replied.
Chelsea introduced us and soon everyone was chatting and laughing and I couldn't help but get wrapped up in it all. So when the guys suggested we get together the next night for Karaoke, I nodded enthusiastically at the invitation.
After the guys left, Chelsea gave me a look, but I ignored it.
Ray was able to get us tickets to one hockey game. My dad was thrilled and even I had to admit it was an exciting game. Sid won it in the shootout and the whole place went nuts. As I watched the crowd cheer I couldn't help but wonder if Katy was here. It didn't take long to figure out, because after the game Molly was insistent we put our VIP passes to use and go to the locker room. At first all I could see were people. And then I saw him. And then I saw her. And then I saw her kiss him.
I wanted to leave. Run in the other direction. It's one thing to know, it's another to see.
But before I could even turn, Molly was running towards him.
The whole thing was awkward. I felt so embarrassed. I didn't want him to think I was chasing after him, that I hadn't gotten the hint. I mean it was there for me to see. What more did I need? I wasn't his choice.
I hated to admit it, but I noticed him as soon as he entered the bar that night. It's like, my body knows when he's was near, I didn't see Katy though and I wondered if she hadn't come. I let myself enjoy Drew and the others, it was everything I always wanted, feeling like I belonged in a group, but I couldn't help but steal glances towards Sid all evening. He stayed off to a corner, people constantly coming up to him to chat. I thought about that night in the hotel room and what he'd said about being out and about in western Canada and I couldn't help but feel a little badly for him.
I know there was jealousy in my voice when I ask about Katy. I knew she wasn't there, so I didn't know why I even asked. My mouth moving faster than my head. And then he gave me some story about her meeting as if it was perfectly normal that I was inquiring about his missing girlfriend. As if I'm just somebody, some pal. But then how he was with Drew just made me even more confused. The games. I can't take it. And I wanted him to know that. Know that he can't have it his way all the time. That he can't have her and have me.
Just to spite him I got on that stage. We were awful, but it was fun. Silly and stupid and just easy. No tension, no stress. No skirting around stupid histories. I liked Drew, even if he was a little obnoxious.
I let him kiss me a little at the end of the night. I was coming out of the restroom and he was waiting for me. With a drunken grin, he told me he liked me a lot and then we were in a dark corner of the hall and his mouth was on mine. He tasted like beer and his mouth moved too fast and too hard. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great either. His hand was soon up my sweater and he mumbled about going to his room. I pulled away and declined. He started to say something about Sid, but I just walked away. Drew didn't really care. He just wanted to sleep with me. I wasn't an idiot. It hadn't taken long to figure out what kind of guy he was, but I liked the attention and he was funny. He was fun for a night out, but that was it.
When I think back on my trip to Vancouver. The memory that sticks with me isn't that night at Karaoke or watching Katy press her mouth against Sid's. It's not the small presentation for Claude or the shootout game winner against Switzerland. The memory I have was the last day of the trip, while Molly staked on a small rink set up in the Olympic Village and my dad and I sat on a nearby bench and watched. It was when my dad told me he had been laid off from his job. That he was three months behind on the mortgage and was going to lose the house. That he hadn't wanted me to know. That he thought he could bounce back and find another job. He hadn't wanted to ruin the trip but he was going to sell the house. That he was ashamed to tell me this, that he had worked so hard to provide for us but he'd failed. And then for the first time since my mom died, I watched tears stream down his face. My mittened hand closed around his and soon my tears joined his.
I put the letter back in my desk drawer and close down my computer. I will make those choices because it's the right thing to do. My mom died in that house. I can't give it up. My dad doesn't like it, but he doesn't have a choice. I do. And I've made it.
For the next week I live and breathe these missing items. It blows my mind the man hours being put in across two nations to find the missing gear.
I think about that moment and what it meant to him.
I think about that night he won the Stanley Cup and his face. And I think how that times a hundred is how he looked just a few days ago. I hear stories about him and his medal. I thin It doesn't make me miss him or feel jealous of Katy or disappointed on how things were after the night in the hotel room.
It makes me envious.
Envious of success, envious of tackling a challenge, envious of a parent that got to see him be and do everything he ever wanted to do.
And that envy does not turn sour or bitter. It just stays there. As it is.
And now is my challenge. My chance to do something big. My chance to prove to Ray, to Sid, to Claude that I can take on a challenge and win.
And so as strange as it sounds I use that envy and I begin to search for the missing gear. Because now it's my job.
Day in and day out I make calls and send emails. Im at the office all hours and on the sixth day I get a break.
I wait on hold for about 45 minutes and with the help of a girl in PR who speaks french, we get the news. The items have been located. I set up shipping information and within the hour I get the email confirmation that the gear is being overnighted and will be here in the morning. I go to Ray and tell him the good news. I then ask if the offer is still available.
Thirty minutes later I leave his office, it's a done deal. I'll send dad the money so we can keep the house and I can contribute until he's back on his feet.
Now I sit at my desk and take out the envelope. Biting my lip, I stare at it. I swallow back the tears that sting at the corner of my eyes and I pick up the phone and I dial.
I knock at her door and I wait.
No answer. I try the door and it opens. Her back is to me, she's on the phone.
"Yes I'm sure. No, I understand. Ok, yes. Uh, huh. Thank you. Goodbye."
She hangs up and turns, her face surprised.
"The door was unlocked." I say.
She just nods and sits there, and I can see something is churning in that brain of hers.
"I wanted to say thank you." I say.
She nods, then stands and walks toward me.
"It really means a lot, Becs." I trail off as she walks past me and locks the door.
I turn, confused at what she's doing.
She stares at me, boldly and I can't decipher the look on her face.
"Do you want me?" Her voice is quiet.
I just stare back, completely confused.
"Do you want me?"
She starts to unbutton her blouse and I feel like I'm in a dream.
A swallow and then nod.
"Yes," my voice a hoarse whisper.
"I want you to fuck me." She says, her voice not sounding like her at all.
Instantly I go hard. I don't know what is happening, but I can't help myself, I won't deny her.
Her shirt is off and she stands before me in just a bra and her skirt. Her skin is flushed and my fingers ache to touch her.
With a single move, I pull her into my arms and my mouth hovers over hers. "I'm not with Katy." I say softly, knowing this could ruin the moment, but also needing her to know.
"I don't care." And her mouth crashes into mine.
I don't want to feel anything.
Disappointment, resentment, emptiness. They are screaming inside me as I hang up that call. But I don't want to feel them, I don't want to feel any of it.
He takes control of the kiss, his large hands cup my cheeks as he positions my mouth to his liking. His tongue delves into the recesses of mouth and my tongue matches his efforts easily. I claw at his shirt, trying to remove the barrier. I want to feel his skin against mine. I need it.
It's only a few seconds and our clothes are gone. His palm on breast kneading the flesh, as I press myself into him. I can feel the steel column of his arousal between our bodies and I snake my hand down to put it firmly in my grasp. Sid makes a growling sound and suddenly we are turning and he picks me up and deposits me onto my desk.
I shove the papers aside and cradle my legs around him. His mouth is relentless against mine.
I moan into his mouth as my fingers claw at the muscles in his back. I can't get him close enough. Boldly I maneuver his cock between my legs, my center pulsing with anticipation.
He pulls his mouth from mine and stares intently at me. His eyes are dark and wild and a thrill rushes through me.
"Did you fuck him?" He asks lowly.
I frown. I don't want to talk. Talking ruins everything.
"It's none of your business," I reply defiantly. My mouth moving forward seeking his.
He pulls back some more.
"I have to know."
I look away, then back at him.
"No. I kissed him, but that's it."
He's still staring at me and I know if I want him inside me, I'm going to have to stroke his ego.
"He doesn't kiss like you." I say.
"What does that mean?"
I look at him, "When you kiss me, I can't think. Dont worry. You are far superior." I give him grin as I reach for him, my body desperately craving for the fix it was promised.
That seems to satisfy him because he falls into my arms and his mouth latches to that place on my neck that makes my body hum and he enters me.
I nearly weep with relief and completeness. He rocks in and out and I meet his movements. He pulls me close and my ankles lock around the massive globes of his ass. I feel them flex as he pistons in and out. I hold onto him tightly and his movements become more erratic. But I'm not ready, not yet. I don't want this to be over.
"Couch," I whisper into his ear, the scent of his freshly washed hair tickling my nostrils.
He lets me push him back, I instantly feel the loss of him inside me, but it's only for a few seconds as I back him up and across the small room to a small couch. I lightly push him into a seating position and then crawl on top of him. He's surprised. He looks at me in a confused wonder at my boldness. I have to admit that I'm a little surprised as well, but I'm at a point of no return and I have nothing left to lose. My fingers circle his glistening penis, still rock hard and twitching in anticipation. I set position and sink onto him, letting the inches stretch and fill me. I rock against him and while it takes a few tries I get a rhythm and he just lets me take over. My hands on his shoulders, his firm at my hips we move in sync steadily. After a few minutes, I fall into him, my mouth seeking his. I'm getting close and I need to feel his lips against mine. He's lifting me up and down as my hands cradle his jaw and I drink him in. Suddenly I feel my completion his me like a raging river. It tosses my equilibrium and suddenly I can't see anything. Pleasure rushes through me and my body jerks erratically not used to such a surge of ecstasy. I moan into his mouth and he swallows the sound of my orgasm. It's only a few seconds later and he's right there with me. I feel the hot flood of his completion enter me and I sag against him in a satisfied exhaustion.
And in the moments after I feel so good. I feel the stress evaporate into the acrid air around us that reeks of sweat and sex. I feel his cool moist skin against mine as I bury my head in the juncture of his neck and shoulder and just breath him in.
I stay like that for a while, because when I pull back, I know it will all be different.
His hand runs up and down my back and I can still feel him inside me.
And I think, I can do this. I can just have this. It's enough. It's not everything, but it's enough.
I pull back and I bravely look at him. He stares at me, his eyes wide, his cheeks flushed. The hair at his temples damp.
And then I see it. The shift. He's going to say something and I don't want him to say it.
He can't hurt me, if I don't let him.
"Please, don't." I say. "This doesn't have to be anything more, than just this."
He just nods.
She's getting dressed. I watch her as she climbs off me and looks around the office for her clothing. I just sit back on the couch and watch her.
She looks at me. "'I'm taking Claude's job permanently." She says. "I've decided not to go to Yale."
I started to say something but she holds up her hand.
"You and I wouldn't work and I think that is for the best. I've made a chooice, I need this job. And even though, we just did this…" she makes a face, "...in my office, I need to keep it professional." She pauses, lost for a minute and I want to stop and her and tell her there are options, we have options for making a go of this. But I don't. I let her keep going. Maybe because a small part of me knows she's right.
"There is never going to be an us, I don't...I don't feel that way about you. But we could be friends. And if you want, you know, maybe once in awhile to do something like this...well, I wouldn't be opposed to it." She goes into clinical mode, "Obviously there is an attraction that goes beyond rational thought. And while it's not an entirely acceptable arrangement traditionally, we could just do this. If you are willing. I mean, it can't be if you are seeing other people or if I am. I'm not going to cheat on someone and I am glad...I am glad you are not with Katy currently, because I will not be some side piece. But as long as you are single and I am single, we can...indulge in our desires if it helps us. I can do that." She looks at me as if she is trying to convince herself as much as she's trying to convince me.
She's said a lot but all I hear is one thing. "I don't feel that way about you." Those words vibrate in my brain, repeating over and over. Confirming all my worst fears. But she's still giving me something. It's not what I want but I'm learning it doesn't matter what I want. There is never going to be an us. My chest constricts and I feel a mourning for something that never got to truly live. But there is still something. This is still something. And as pathetic as it sounds, I'll take it.
And so I nod and say, "Ok."
She looks at me relieved. And then does the strangest thing. She holds out her hand and waits for me to shake it.
I take her hand in mine and shake it firmly, then pull her into my lap.
It's a deal.
***Author's note: Well, thank you again for sticking with me. These two chapters went through A LOT of revising and what I started with and what I ended up with are very different, but I'm glad its all out there and I hope you enjoyed. I do feel like I've turned a corner on this story and will be moving along to present time soon. I appreciate all of you reading and your reviews mean everything. I wish I could get this out sooner, but life is just crazy and I wanted this to be right. I am so sad about Duper, but understand why he had to step away and omg did my heart break watching Sid get all choked up about it! I hope to have the next chapter out before Christmas but if I don't, Happy Holidays and Go Pens!***
