November 2011
I'm on the phone with my dad when there is a knock at my door. It's after ten, so I'm at a loss as to who it could be. The neighborhood I'm in is nicer and besides if it were an intruder or a robber I doubt they would knock. I cross the living room to the front door and look at the peep hole. My heart springs to the back of my throat and I cut my dad off mid sentence and tell him I'll call him back tomorrow.
The knock comes again and setting my cell phone on the side table, I unlock the door and open it.
In a whirl of color and scents, he strides past me and into the house. I close the door, stopping the cold from coming in and turn to look at him.
"Sid, wha-what are you doing here?" My voice is confused and rightly so. I didn't have a call or text from him, his visit is completely unannounced.
He doesn't seem to hear me. His eyes are wild and a tired smile stretches across his face.
"Did you watch?"
I take him in. He's wearing his post game clothes, along with a heavy wool coal and a beanie atop his head. He pulls the hat off and I watch the hairs spring up in different directions. He shrugs off the coat and moves around without actually going anywhere.
"Um, yeah, yes of course I did." I manage. 10 months and 16 days since his last game and it was a doozy. I curled up on the couch a few hours earlier and switched it on. The fanfare of the night made it seem like the Stanley Cup finals, the announcers were buzzing, the crowd all holding up signs that read SID and you could feel the energy. The place went nuts a little more than five minutes in when Sid turned on his motor and went flying down the middle for an incredible top shelf goal. He was electric, the crowd was too. By the end of the night there were 3 more points tallied, another goal and two assists. Everyone said the same thing, Sidney Crosby was back.
His eyes light up from my response and in only a few strides, he's right in front of me. And like something out of a movie, he grabs me and kisses me until I can't think. His mouth is demanding, his cologne clouds my brain and I his body presses so hard against mine, I stumble back unable to support the weight.
His arm comes around me to keep me from falling and his mouth pulls away from mine. "Sorry," he mumbles, as his mouth moves to my neck and presses warm, wet kisses to the skin.
I haven't been with him since my birthday. Everything got even more crazy after that. I never saw him. The tense meetings only seemed to increase and coming to work was exhausting by the sheer tension of just being there. I continued to schedule visits to specialists as I took it all in from a distance. Just when I thought this was the new normal, progress was announced and at long last Sid's return was here.
And now, I don't know what this is. I don't know why he's here when he should be celebrating with teammates, family or even getting some rest.
I don't know, but god help me I don't care, because I crave his touch. It's been too long and the loneliness has been nearly unbearable.
And so when he tells me, "Bedroom, now." All I can do is lead the way.
A kick to my shins stirs me, but it's the shooting pain against my collarbone that jolts me awake. For a few seconds I'm disoriented as a sit up in the dark bedroom. My hand comes up to my shoulder as I wince at the pain that has suddenly struck me. I'm naked and another kick to my shin brings me back to reality. It's the middle of the night and Sid is in bed next to me. We both passed out after a rousing session in my bed, I was too tired to tell him to leave and he was too tired to go. Instead we fell into a deep sleep, that is until now. I then realize the pain was caused by flailing limbs next to me.
It's Sid and in the darkness I see his body thrash from left to right. His eyes scrunched tight as sweat pour down his cheeks. That is sweat, right?
"Sid," my voice a whisper, careful not to startle him in what I can only imagine is some nightmare.
He doesn't respond. I reach in gingerly, careful not to get swiped and shake his shoulder.
"Sid." My voice louder.
Still nothing. I shake again and nearly miss his large hand connecting with my jaw.
"Sid!" I shout, shaking him harder and harder. I shout his name over and over. "Wake up." I'm concerned and confused, but mostly scared.
Finally he shoots up like a cartoon, his eyes fly wide open as he looks around wildly.
"You had a nightmare." I say dumbly.
He looks at me and for a moment I can tell he has no idea who I am. He blinks a few times, then the recognition appears.
He shakes his head and swipes at his cheeks. It's dark, but I can see the trails stream down. I tentatively reach out to touch his back, an attempt to offer comfort. His skin is soaked and burning.
He immediately shrugs me off and throws back the covers. He stands up quickly. He wobbles a bit and steps forward. He sways even more and I think he's going to faint.
He takes another step and pitches forward. There's nothing I can do but watch.
He catches himself at the last minute, rears back and drops himself on the edge of the bed.
"Are you ok?" I lamely ask.
He doesn't say anything. His hand covers his forehead.
"Do you want some aspirin?"
He nods.
I get out of bed, grabbing my shirt from the floor. I slip it over my head and scurry to the bathroom. A moment later I'm back. He's hunched over, the muscles in his back tight, his face buried in his hands.
"Here," I shove a glass of water and two advil towards him. He looks up at me. He looks terrible, which is still pretty good, but his eyes are bloodshot, dark circles visible in the shadows of the night. He takes the items and his eyes focus on the red marks on my chest.
"I hit you." His voice is hoarse and horrified.
"Im fine," I say.
He stares at the skin, his eyes shine over. And I don't think I can handle what could come next.
"Really," I manage a weak smile. "I'm ok, you didn't mean to, it barely hurts." I try to reassure him, but the embarrassment is all over his face.
I quickly change the subject. "Take the medicine, you'll feel better."
He nods, takes the pills and large swig of water. He sets the glass down and casts sad eyes on me.
"I'm so sorry, Becs." His voice a whisper. The sting in the corner of my eyes is painful and I'm afraid that when I blink the tears will fall. I stiffen my shoulders and look at him intenty.
"You had a nightmare, it's ok." Later on, after he leaves, I'll google what happened and learn it was a night terror, a side effect of concussions.
The look on his face, tells me that this isn't the first time this has happened.
"Do you get them a lot?" I ask, sitting down next to him.
He nods.
"Does your dad know?"
He shakes his head.
"Does the team know?"
He whips his head towards me and narrows his eyes.
"No, and you won't tell them. You can't tell them."
I shake my head, "But the trainers, the doctors, they should know. It might not be safe-"
He stands up abruptly and starts looking for his clothes.
"Becs, you can't say a word." He is looking frantic now, grabbing the clothes off the floor.
"I won't, but you should-"
"Dont talk to me about things you don't understand." He looks at me, his voice low.
Im taken aback. It's like I'm suddenly back in the hallway all those months ago, when I came upon something I wasn't supposed to see.
But this time he won't push me around. I don't know about the nightmares, but the dizziness. He didn't know who I was. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm scared. I'm scared for him.
"Maybe you just need more time." I try to reason.
"I don't need anymore time."
"But if they knew everything, they could help."
"Stop."
"But, Sid, I just think-"
"Stop!" He roars and stands up straight, staring at me like I'm some rival on the ice.
I stop talking.
"You don't know what you are talking about. This is nothing. They did all the tests. I'm fine. I'm better than fine. I had the night of my life and it's not going to be ruined by you worrying about some that is nothing."
I stay silent, but look at him defiantly.
"What don't you get? This is my life. Hockey is my life. Without it I have nothing. I am nothing. I am not going to wait any longer. I am fine. If there are few things, I can handle it. There is nothing I care about more than hockey, I won't lose that."
The words sting more than they should and I can't help but open my mouth.
"You won't lose it, but maybe you just need a little longer." I try.
"You don't understand!" He shouts throwing his hands up in the air. He shakes his head and laughs a mean and hollow laugh, his tone condescending, "You don't understand what it's like to lose the thing you love the most-"
He stops talking, but the damage is already done.
I don't understand?
I don't understand?
"Becs," his face and voice soften, the apology in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
"I think you should go."
"Shit, I shouldn't have said that."
"You need to leave."
"Rebecca, I didn't...you wont say anything, right?"
I look at him with cold eyes. My heart clenches, my brain asking why I love him, when at this moment, I don't even like him.
"You're secret is safe with me," my voice icy. "I do pretty well at keeping secrets, right?"
He looks at me sadly and I wish that I had the strength to end this. But I don't.
The only thing that comforts me, is that I don't think he can either.
January 2013
The call comes in the middle of the night. Adsy in a tired voice tells me that it's finally over. Both sides have come to an agreement and the season isn't lost afterall. Training camp will start immediately and we'll have a shortened season. And I feel like I can breathe again. The idea of not playing after all I had been through the past two seasons was unthinkable, but as days turned into weeks, then months, the panic lay there inside, threatening to consume me. It had been strange spending so much time in Pittsburgh but not actually playing games. Practices with the guys helped, but still it was so odd not to go to the Consol. I had heard stories from other guys on other teams about how contentious it had gotten between clubs and players, but we were lucky. The relationship was still solid. In fact, I was in regular contact with Rebecca as she booked flights for me and Craig to New York to get this all sorted out.
I was grateful for the help but things between Rebecca and I were strained. About three weeks after that night over a year ago, I had sought her out. Apologized over and over, then told the doctors the truth. It had weighed on me since that night, and I knew, that while my future was uncertain, that the night terrors and the dizziness were not going to get better until I told someone.
She'd been relieved when I told her the news, but there still was this wall between us. I didn't "see" her while I was out on IR. I was ashamed of what had happened. Sickened that I had hit her, even if it was an accident. And I know, that even though she was relieved, she didn't fully forgive me for what I had said and I couldn't blame her. We hooked up after the Flyers series, mostly because I was such a mess, I needed something to distract me. But it was different. It was mechanical and there was a distance there. Sure she was responsive but I could tell she was holding back. And I was too much of a coward to ask. Especially because I had a feeling I was responsible. So instead I pretended it wasn't there.
Come Fall, we were all waiting to see if the season would start. I was ready and I had gotten back with Katy. I pushed away the doubts that creeped into my subconscious about getting back into the relationship, but I knew that what Rebecca and I were doing wasn't going anywhere. I craved something more and I was too scared to ask her. Not after everything that had happened. I wasn't what she deserved, I had retreated during those months, closed myself off and when she'd tried to help, I'd pushed her away.
And now that the season was starting, I had to tell her. I had to be honest, I owed her that much.
March 2013
I miss it.
One minute I'm chatting with Veronique about the restaurant Sidney and I tried last night, the next I'm watching the ice crew clean up his blood and teeth off the ice. The color drains from my face and my heart begins to speed up. I excuse myself from the other wags and make my way up the stairs towards the exits.
It isn't the first time he's gotten injured, but it doesn't make it any less scary. I rush down the hall of the suites, encountering team staff as I go. People look concerned, but I don't pay attention, I just want to get to him, know that he's alright. I don't want anyone to see how worried I am, but inside I'm freaking out. I flash my credentials to the at the door and take the elevator down to ice level. Two minutes later I approach the scene.
Sidney is there, sitting down a towel to his mouth, while trainers are furiously working at removing his skates.
"The ambulance will be here in under a minute," a voice says and the small crowd surrounding Sidney nods. Among the group is Troy and Mario, who both look worried.
"Is he ok?" I ask approaching the group. Troy turns and looks at me.
"He's gonna be fine." Troy doesn't really smile, so the small forced one he gives me offers little comfort.
I rush to Sidney's side, he looks at me his eyes wild, unfocused, the sweat pouring from his temple. There is a lot of blood. I try to tell him not to worry, but I'm pushed aside so that a new towel can be applied. During the hand off I get a glimpse of the damage. Most of his front teeth are gone, jagged shards of enamel are all that remain. Not to mention, his entire lower face is swollen. It's a gruesome sight. Instantly I tear up.
"It's okay baby, it's going to be okay." I say as I get pushed further and further away.
"The ambulance is here," the same voice from earlier says. "Troy, you can ride with him."
I look around. What about me?
Troy senses my concern. He surveys the area, then points. "She can take you."
I look to where he is pointing.
I know her.
Standing off to the side, her face pale and washed with worry. She's clutching a stack of folders and staring silently at the scene.
"You." Troy says motioning for her to come closer. "What's your name again? Come here."
Rebecca, that's her name. A heat of jealousy begins to flow through my veins.
She approaches, her eyes dart to Sidney and I can see it. I hate it. But I see it.
"Yes?" She asks, her voice is quiet.
"I need you to give Katy a ride to the hospital." Troy sidesteps the EMS crew as they come in and start helping Sidney up onto the gurney. Everything is happening so fast, that next thing I know, Sidney, Troy, everyone is gone and Rebecca is directing me to where her car is parked.
I'm not stupid. It doesn't take a heartbroken look in SIdney's direction to know what is going on. I've heard rumblings among the wags and to be honest I shouldn't care. Sidney and I have never been that serious. Our schedules conflict constantly and the time we have together is comfortable and nice, but not filled with passion or romance. He's steady. Very steady. Reliable. Sweet but simple. Not bad. We're just different that way. I like a night out, champagne in the VIP section with my friends, while he'd rather stay home and watch movies on the couch. We run in different circles socially, but I do care about him a lot. And watching him in pain right now is killing me.
But what concerns me, is that it's killing her more.
The drive to the hospital is silent. I check my phone and answer a few texts. Rebecca's eyes are focused on the road, but I can see how tightly she's gripping the steering wheel.
I don't know what moves me to say it, but the words come out anyway. "He'll be ok."
She looks at me with a slight panic.
"Really, I've been through this before. It's no big deal." I assure her.
And there is something about the pathetic way she looks at me that my heart clenches in a different way.
It reminds of that day at the parade. When I saw her. And she had that same pathetic look on her face. There's so much I could tell her. Explain to her that this is a place where she doesn't belong. That this will never be hers. It would be mean, but it would be honest. Its just the way the world works. And while I might never have that grand all consuming love story with Sidney, what I have isn't bad. It works for us.
So she can have her crush or sloppy seconds or whatever this is.
And I get the real thing.
We pull up to the emergency room entrance, she looks like she wants to say something, but I don't give her a chance.
"I'll let him know you send your best," I say breezily as I get out of the car. I make my way inside and I don't look back.
Three weeks later, I'm gone again. A job in Italy. For eight weeks. And it couldn't have come at a better time. Sidney is making me nuts. He's going to stir crazy and he's moody as hell. The recovery process is going quicker than expected, so I don't feel bad leaving. It puts us on a break and really I could use it. Plus Italian men. For eight weeks.
Can you blame me?
June 2013
I go to the drug store on my lunch hour. I told myself I would wait until it was two weeks. That was 8 days ago.
I can't be pregnant. I just can't.
I'm not ready for a baby. Especially considering the circumstances.
As soon as I get back, I make my way to the third floor bathroom that is a single stall. I do what the instructions tell me and I wait.
In those 3 minutes, my mind flashes back to all the times with him. How much the two of us have changed, how much has stayed the same. How I had to learn to close myself off. Keep myself from hurting over and over.
I know that it...we won't happen again. We can't. It just hurts too much.
This last time, I knew Katy was gone. I knew she'd just left him, while he was still a mess. I knew I was nothing but a rebound. But I didn't care. Time and time again I accepted it, because I'd convinced myself it was enough.
It wasn't and I knew what would be, would never be mine.
The three minutes end and I look at the stick.
Relief.
Sadness.
And that was that.
September 2014
Hey, back in the burgh :) Have a free evening, can I come over?
Hi Becs, hope youre well. Would love to see you. My place, tonight?
Hey, you around?
Is Rebecca Cooper still at this number?
Call me, r u ok?
Camp starts tomorrow. I hope to see you. Text me if you still want to get together.
I'll leave you alone, if thats whats you want.
Hello?
February 2014
"Sid's always captain." Geno's voice is thick with teasing as I rub the sleep from my eyes.
I haven't gotten much rest lately. The upcoming trip, the pressure of repeating 2010 and the anticipation of seeing Katy is keeping me up at night.
I've been seeing Rebecca a lot lately. Most of the season I was able to avoid her, but with the trip to Sochi, she's been in and out helping guys get situated. She won't look at me or talk to me. I don't know what happened. What changed?
I think about her all the time.
I wonder what her life is like. What she's thinking.
I wonder how long she'll stay here. How much more time I have to figure this all out.
I pretend that it's all fine. I pretend that I'm not worried.
I pretend I don't miss her.
The soft touch of her skin, the sweet smell of her hair.
I pretend that the loneliness inside isn't consuming me.
I pretend, because the reality is too hard.
"A russian bride?" Pascal's voice breaks me from my thoughts.
"Huh?" I'm confused.
Pascal thumbs to Geno. "G, says you come back with a Russian bride. To get you out of your funk."
I roll my eyes.
"I told him you have Katy," Duper says with a gleam in his eye. "Carol-Lynne says Katy is coming to Sochi."
I know Pascal just wants me to be happy, but I don't want to go where this conversation is heading.
"Katy, be your bride?" Geno asks in confusion.
I just shake my head and walk away as Curtis, the trainer comes looking for Pascal to start their PT session.
"Katy be his bride?," Geno asks Pascal, missing the joke.
"Yeah G, Sid's gonna pop the question." Pascal laughs.
As I walk away, I see Rebecca getting on the elevator. I think of an excuse I could make up and hop on too. Even the short ride up would be worth it, just to be near her.
But it's a different time now. Too much has changed.
I wonder what would have happened if I'd just done a few things differently.
Would it have mattered?
Would we still be in this place?
And I wonder if she ever loved me, the way I love her.
And I wonder if either way, I'll ever know.
****Author's note: Finally the end of the then part. This has been soooo much longer than I thought it would be and I'm happy to say the next chapter brings us back to the now. And some less angsty times! Although still a little angst, but more self aware and self evolved angst. Thanks again for your reviews, they seriously make my day...even the update ones, because they are great motivators! Thanks for reading and always, go pens!***
