Sid scanned the restaurant looking for the other member of their party of two. The lighting in the steakhouse was low, with quiet conversation and the clinking of stemware and flatware reverberating throughout the open space. The hostess' cheeks grew red as a wide smile and a light of recognition crossed her face when he approached. He spoke quietly, politely and she showed him to the table.
He'd gotten a text earlier in the day from Katy. She was doing a shoot up in the rockies and staying in Denver for a few weeks. She asked to see him. She thought they could talk. She just needed closure, she told him. He was hesitant, brief in his responses, but she pushed and pushed until he caved. Next thing he knew, she made reservations at sushi spot in uptown and texted him the details.
And now he was here. He weaved in and out of the tables, aware of the recognition that followed him. Finally he was to his table, the hostess looking excited to see the seated party just as much. She wished them a pleasant meal and with a lingering look, slowly retreated.
"Hey buddy!" Max's voice was louder than Sid would have liked being in a public place, but it was Max. Being loud was who he was. The two former teammates shook hands and settled themselves into their seats.
"I was psyched to hear from you," Max's eyes crinkled as he smiled widely. "This place is bomb too. Glad to see they still had space available."
Sid tried to ignore the stab of guilt he felt poking at his sides. Shortly after the text from Katy, solidifying their plans, he had panicked. He thought of calling Rebecca. Telling her what happened. But quickly changed his mind. It would just upset her. Besides nothing would happen. Then it hit him. It didn't have to happen. He didn't have to do this. So in an instant his fingers moved deftly across the iPhone keyboard and plans with Max were set.
8 o'clock at the steakhouse. And on the other side of town from the sushi place.
Crisis averted
Now sitting with Max, he thought of Katy sitting alone at the sushi place. Waiting. He didn't have to see her, but he didn't have to leave her stranded either. During many parts of his life, she had been important to him. That counted for something.
So as Max sweet talked the server, Sid sent a quick apology to Katy, cancelling their plans and wishing her all the best. He then powered down his phone, not concerned with what her response would be. He slipped the phone into his slacks and gave the waiting server his order.
While they waited Max caught his up on what he'd been up to. He was a different Max. Despite still being gregarious and upbeat, he'd grown up a lot. He was married, had a baby. Sid watched as Max came even more alive and animated telling Sid about his wife Cynthia and baby Jaxson.
"I tell you, man. It changes you. In the most weirdly awesome way. I mean, I was with a lot of women. A lot. But now, it's just so different. I mean I wake up excited. Everyday. ANd not just for hockey. For them. Seeing them. Seeing what Jax is going to do next. It's indescribable. I'm just so much happier than I ever thought. Happier than I probably deserve." Max said with a chuckle.
Sid grinned, genuinely happy for his friend. During this road trip, he thought that he'd go insane with the pining he felt for Rebecca. He missed her so much more than he thought he would. He'd found himself reaching for her in the middle of the night, just to find himself alone and hard as a rock. Showers in the middle of the night, jerking off into the stream of water as it pelted against his back and left him with a hollow satisfaction.
"So how about you, buddy?" Max's cheerful voice broke Sid from his thoughts.
"Anyone special in your life?" His eyes glinted with knowledge and Sid figured the news had probably spread to Max. His teammates could be the worst gossips.
Sid chuckled nervously. He was so uncomfortable with this stuff. He scratched nervously at the nape of his neck and took a sip of his wine.
"Heh, yeah, I guess so." Sid said feeling the heat on his cheeks.
Max's face grew uncharacteristically serious. "She's a great girl, Sid. Really. You deserve it man. God knows we all knew it had to come eventually."
Then Max grinned and pointed at Sid, "That's what she said!"
Sid's eyes narrowed, the joke bothering him more than it should have.
"Just kidding, Siddo. Seriously, Rebecca is the best. I never told you this, but my last year in Pittsburgh, I had some trouble, financial stuff. It was my great grandmere's 95th birthday and I wanted to fly her and my family in, but I'd made some bad investments and my cash flow was dried up. Cooper, she used her own miles to fly them in. Was able to use some discount too. Figured it out so they could come see me play. She didn't want anything in return. She makes a fraction of what I did and she did that for me. I'll never forget it. She's got a heart the size of the Yukon. Don't mess this up dude, seriously. And if you decide to name your first born Maxime, I mean, I would be honored." Max's grinned spread across his face and Sid just laughed.
It was true. She was the best. And he vowed to never forget it.
A few hours later, full and fuzzy from the second bottle of wine Max had insisted on, Sid made his way to his room. He stripped off his clothes and powered up his phone. It was too late to called Rebecca, but he could feel the ache for her. Was it too fast to say he wanted her with him forever? Was that the wine talking? He didn't want anyone else. Ever. He was growing up and suddenly the thought of a wife and kids didn't freak him out like it had for years prior. He'd watched teammates marry and start families and the whole thing had been intimidating and overwhelming to him. Millions of people depending on him to make that goal was nothing compared to how scared shitless marriage and children made him.
But when he thought about it. Envisioned it. He saw her. He saw her in his house, in his bed. He saw her at the end of that aisle and in the hospital room pushing and crying, screaming and sweating as she brought his child...their child into the word. It was an image that made his veins pulse in the way that hockey had always done.
It was like suddenly what made him happiest was something different. And rather than be freaked out about it, it made him excited, giddy even.
He changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and flipped on the tv to catch the end of the Arizona/Dallas game. He saw the alert of text messages on his phone as he stretched out onto his bed and just as he opened the app to take a look, there was a knock on his door.
"You're leaving."
It's not a question.
Rebecca watched as Sid looked around at the state of her house. There wasn't much left to pack. Just the daily essentials. The movers were scheduled for the end of the week and she would be gone by Friday.
But she didn't want to talk about that. She wanted to know what happened in COlorado.
Although the guilt was creepy in. Especially now that she knew Sid and Katy didn't sleep together. It was a fucked up kind of deja vu right now. A pattern she seemed to often fall into. Thinking one thing, acting completely irrationally and dramatically, then coming to find out that things are not as they seem. And left figuring out what to do.
These are her actions. This is how she is. And this is who she is.
She's smart but so so stupid. She's level headed but one step away from being completely batshit crazy.
She wants to be loved, but doesn't know how to accept it.
She's a mess.
She's broken.
And she starts to think as realization spreads across his handsome face, that she can't be put back together, no matter how talented he is.
"I was going to tell you," she says weakly.
His face quickly changes to anger, "With what, a fucking postcard?"
"You knew I was leaving," she replies defensively.
"I didn't fucking sleep with her," he shouts, his hand shakes in the air for emphasis. "I didn't even have dinner with her. Yes, I saw her. Yes, she came to my hotel room. She said she needed closure, wanted to know why. I fucking told her. All of it. I told her I loved you. That's it. That's the story. And yet here we are again. It's like nothing has changed. Is this how our life is going to be? A string of misunderstandings that result in you not asking, not saying anything. Not a fucking thing but meanwhile you're….orchestrating some big exit. Some grand fuck you in the most passive way possible. I mean, jesus, how many times are we going to do this? And the worst part is that you don't trust me. Not a little not a fucking fraction. How is that supposed to make me feel Rebecca? Tell me, how is that supposed to make me feel?"
He's enraged now. Sweat beading at his temples, the tips of his cheeks crimson with fury. His voice echos in the emptiness of the room.
As for her, her heart is pounding. Painfully. Hammering against her chest, making it difficult to breathe. Her hands shake, the whooshing picks up again in her head. And she thinks, that's the problem with self sabotage, you have to stay for the whole thing. You don't get to skip out on the actual destruction. The demolition of yourself and those your love the most.
But there are choices. Two of them actually. Close up, cry, turn him away. Or unload. Pick up the sledge hammer and join in the fun.
"I dont say anything? I don't?" The volume of her voice begins to rise, as she stares right back at him.
"You wouldn't even be yelling at me right now if you followed any of your own advice. When were you going to tell me any of it? You stand there so outraged, so shocked at my actions but you keep forgetting that you play an active role in all of this! It's not like I imagined it all. Made it all up for the fun of it. Because this is not fun. This is miserable. I am miserable. Because you couldn't tell me what was going on. I deserved to know." To her horror, her voice caught and the tears started to build. "I deserved it Sid. After all this time. You talk about nothing changing? About it being like this over and over? Look in the mirror, because you are just as guilty as I am. I just needed you to tell me."
He stood there. Not sure what to do next. She was right. This was their MO, their dance. What all these years had been a result of. Gross miscommunication.
Or in this case no communication.
"I should have told you," he conceded, running a hand through his hair, his shoulders dropping. "I decided not to meet her for dinner. For me it was over. There was nothing to tell, nothing to meet about. But she came to see me. And I should have told you after it happened. I'm sorry."
Rebecca stayed silent for a moment. Then looked at him, "were you ever going to tell me?"
He shook his head.
"Why?"
"I told you, I didn't think there was anything to tell"
"Bullshit."
Rebecca stared at him defiantly.
"I'm sorry?" A question, rather than an apology.
"I don't believe you." She said simply. Her eyes had tried, but the faint tracks down her cheeks remained.
Sid very a simmering of anxiety stir in his veins.
"You don't believe me?"
"No, you knew how much this would hurt if I found out. You had to of. You don't have any idea how that hurt. SItting there, in front of all of them. Beautiful and confident and feeling so unsure of myself. And my worst nightmare coming true. Listening to her tell me that I don't matter. That once again you chose her. You can't know how much that hurt. How ever insecurity I have coming charging to the forefront. I retreated, pulled away. Didn't show up tonight because I don't know how to deal with this kind of stuff. But I shouldn't have told you, you should have told me. So don't say it didn't matter because it did. You know it did."
"But you packed everything up," he started.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Rebecca shouted, cutting him off. "Why didn't I deserve to kn-"
"Because I was scared!" His voice isn't just loud, it's frantic as it interrupts her.
"I was scared ok? Because..." he pauses. She waits, her heart in her throat as she waits for him to finish. "I don't want to ruin this. I don't want anything to risk us being together. And I thought that maybe it would change things. And I everything is good right now. I didn't want that to change. It was nothing, but I guess, I just wanted to pretend it never happened."
She gnaws at her lip, her fingers fidget. Her voice is just a whisper, "What happened Sid?"
He crossed to the room in just a few strides. Checked the peephole, even though he didn't need to. He knew it was her. The knocking continued and he quickly opened the door as to avoid anyone noticing the slight disturbance.
She stumbled into the room, a mix of a giggle and a grunt he response. She took a moment to collect herself then looked at him, with glassy eyes.
"You," her manicured finger pointed in his direction, "You stood me up."
Her voice is slurred and it doesn't take a genius to figure out Katy's drunk.
"I'm sorry," he keeps his voice even, as if her coming here is no big deal. "I sent you a text. Something came up."
"You're a liar," she said.
"And you're drunk," he replied tersely, irritated with her tone.
"I've had…" she burps a little, then giggles. He tries not to roll his eyes. "I've a had a lot of sake."
"I can see that and I will call you a cab back to where you're staying. It's late and you need to go."
"Go? I just got here Sid. Plus you owe me an expla..explam..explamnation." He cringed watching her try and fail to pronounce the word. This wasn't going to end well. He had a feeling.
"Katy, it's over. We're over. We have been for a long time. You know that. I'm sorry, but we both need to move on."
To his surprise, she grinned. "Oh, I've moved on sweetheart. I moved on a long time ago. Years even. When you're boyfriend won't sleep with you, there is only one option you can chose, and I did. Many times."
He wasn't surprised by what she said. The truth was, he hadn't had sex with Katy since the summer after winning the cup. They would start and he wouldn't be into it. She knew that and would push him away. Stop talking to him for a day or two. It was like that all summer. Then after that day at Mario's, the wake where he and Rebecca had...well after that, the physical part of his shredded relationship with Katy ceased all together. There were months when he thought he would go crazy not having that part of himself satisfied. But long showers and a stoic amount of self discipline made it possible. Then just when he thought he would suffocate from it, he and Rebecca would find each other again and it made all the waiting worth it. And all along he knew Katy was with other guys. Their relationship had become almost a friends with benefits but with no benefits and not really friends. It was complicated. And for him, it was also over, so her being here made him anxious and agitated.
"So why are you here?" He asked, the exasperation in his voice clearly apparent.
"I'm here because I miss you. I don't know why, but I do. And I think that whatever you have going on with Miss Secretary, well, I think it's a bad fit." Her voice though slurred, carries an arrogance to it. As if she knows, especially in this state, what is good for him.
"You and me Sid, we're...here." Katy lifts her hands and swipes at the air over her head. "And Renee, she's here. She drops her hand to below her waist. "And that never works. You know that. This isn't some teen movie. This is real life. You don't have to rescue to the brainy chick. I just think that timing was never on our side. And we both focus on our careers a lot. But you and me, we fit. You and her don't fit. It's just the way the world works. And I think if we both try. Start over and really devote ourselves to this, we could be great again. Really great."
He stares at her. The Katy he knew, the Katy he once cared about deeply so far gone from the person in front of him. He never had a single doubt about ending things with her and this sealed it utterly and completely.
"Rebecca. Her name is Rebecca. And you don't know what your talking about. I'm sorry you and I didn't work. But it's just the way it is. It had nothing to do with status or timing or looks and expectations. I fell in love with her. And I'm happy. Really truly happy. And for a long time I wasn't. You can't tell me you were happy either? This had been over for a long time. You know that. You can't believe that suddenly we are meant to be or something?
She looks at him hazily. "But there is a plan. Sure it was off course for a while and my career put things on hold. But I'm in a different place now. I can make you happy."
She gives him a look that makes him feel uncomfortable. She doesn't get it and it's really not up to him to help her understand anymore. He lives a life of calculated risks and extreme planning. Preparation. Execution. Rebecca is his escape from that. And he likes to think he is her escape. She can be just as rigid as him when it comes to expectations and performance. The past few weeks, being together, it was the happiest he'd ever been and all the other...noise, well it wasn't so bad when he knew she wasn't far away.
But getting Katy to understand that, especially intoxicated, is a fruitless effort.
"I can make you happy," she says again.
"You can't. I'm sorry but this is ov-"
He doesn't get a chance to finish his sentence, as Katy lunges towards him, her mouth slamming sloppily and crookedly onto half of his mouth and half his cheek.
He pulls back, the moment he feels the contact and stares at Katy shocked "What the he- - you need to leave. Now."
"Sidney," she starts to whine.
"No.. I have listened to you and now you listen to me. It's over. And for a thousand reasons. I don't have to explain myself or my relationships to you. But know this, I love Rebecca and she is who I want, who I've wanted for a long time. And if there is anyone down low on your scale it's me, because I've been too stupid and too stubborn for too long to stand up for what I want. So it's over and I wish you the best. But I don't want to see you again. Now i can call you the cab if you like."
And that was it. All he had to say. She gave him a look, then turned around and walked towards the door. "Don't bother," she mumbled, a twinge of defeat in her voice.
The door closed behind her and he exhaled. He was glad that they'd talked that this was finally over. But guilt began to flow from his veins. Rebecca. He needed to tell her what happened. But the dread came fast and hard. Would she understand? He knew that for a long time she compared herself to Katy. It wasn't something they had talked about. It wasn't that she was insecure, at least he didn't think that was it. But the memories were there. He couldn't erase the past five years, he couldn't change that so many events and accomplishments had happened with Katy on his side. He couldn't shake the knowledge that she had that image, the picture of him and Katy on that elevator. The image that had set them off course for so many years. He wondered if the picture of tonight that would form in her head could do the same damage. It was a risk he wasn't willing to take.
"She kissed you?" Rebecca's voice is weak and laced with something he can't figure out.
He nodded, bracing himself but relieved he'd put it all out there. He hadn't left a single detail out. And he'd live with the results. Because without the communication, without telling the whole story the misunderstandings would continue to destroy them.
"But you didn't kiss her back?" She sounds unsure, hesitant. He watches as she tries to process it all.
"No," he doesn't try to sound emphatic because she has to believe him. If they have a chance at this she has to believe him.
"Ok," she nods. Then finally looks at him. He can see it. She knows what he is saying is the truth and it doesn't look like it's going to ruin anything.
But then he face grows sad. Not hurt or disappointed. Just sadness, in its purest form.
And that's when he knows.
"You're still leaving aren't you." It's still not a question. Because really it never was. She was always going to leave. He knew that. He came back from Colorado with a new focus. He wanted to take this relationship to the next level. He wanted her to meet his parents, properly. He wanted her to move it with him. And when the season was over, he wanted her to go wherever he went. He would take a few weeks off, and they would have that time together they'd needed for so long. He wanted to marry her. He wanted a family with her. He'd denied himself for so long and so had she. He wanted it all now.
And yet she was still leaving. And the worst part in all of it, was that he knew it was the right thing. He knew she had to go.
"Yes," she says simply.
"When?"
"Friday."
"So where does that leave us?"
"I'm not sure."
"But I explained everything. You said ok. What am I missing?"
She looks scared. And I don't get it. I don't get any of this. All this has been figured out. And I get that she needs to go, but we can make this work. We've come too far not to.
"There' something…" Rebecca looks around trying to figure out how to say this part. It's hard to meet his eyes. Because even when he's a mess, he still manages to stay so composed. Look so in control. What she's about to say is going to expose her like nothing else ever has. And she's hesitant. Ashamed. Intimidated. And most of all terrified of telling him things.
"There's something wrong with me. I don't know how to do this stuff. I mean right now for example. I was so sure that we were over. That you had gotten back together with Katy. That you had gone away for a few days, saw her and knew that she was who you wanted instead. I mean, I really believed that. And I didn't ask you. I didn't talk to you about it like a normal person. I just acted. I do that with a lot of things. I love you Sid, so much but there is much...scar tissue in our relationship. And I need to work that out. Sometimes I resent you." She can feel the sting of tears at the reaction on his face, but she pushes on. "And then I hate myself for resenting you. I made so many choices that I have to live with and while there are many I don't regret, there are so many that I do. I just feel jumbled up. I don't know how to feel. I'm happy, I'm scared,, I'm overwhelmed. These past few years I've lost so much of myself. I've turned into someone I don't understand and that is scary to me. I guess what I'm saying is that I need to figure out myself. I know it sounds so cliched. But it's true. I need to go because I need to feel good about myself. I need to feel like I've done something. I need to face things. I had this one goal in my life for so long and I let it go. And I always wondered what I could have been, if that was who I was supposed to be. And I pretended for a long time that I didn't care about it, but I did. I do. I need that for myself and I can't pretend that I don't. You and I are good pretenders. You know that. Our history tells us that. We pretend because that's what we've had to do to cope, to succeed, to keep going. But I don't want to pretend. I want to be a person I am proud of. Be someone who has accomplished something. I just don't want to feel so broken anymore. I don't want to lose you. I don't want anyone else but you. But if I don't figure out myself, if I don't try to repair all the things that make me feel crazy inside, you and I won't work. And I think leaving is a step in the right direction."
He stares at her. Her rambling seems all over the place. It's so hard to put into words what's she feeling and the vulnerability she's feeling consumes her. Whether or not it made sense doesn't matter. She said it. She put it all out there.
"So why do you have to do it alone?" His voice is gentler than she expected.
"Because I'm a mess." She replies simply.
"So what?" He has a strange small smile on his face. "We're all messes Rebecca. We're all broken to some degree. That's the point of all this. We find people to make us less of a mess. We find people and put them in our lives to help make sense of it all."
"But I still need to go." She says reluctantly.
He nods. "Yeah, I think you do too. As much as I hate to admit it. We all need to feel good about ourselves and as much as I love you, I know you need more than that. I know that you've had a lot thrown at you. And it can be hard. Believe me I know. But if you don't have that person there, don't have that support it will overwhelm you. I know it's hard for you to let people in and I know that I'm probably the source of a lot of things you need to work out. But let me help you. You don't have to do this alone. We will make it work. We got this chance, now we have to make it count."
She thinks about what he's said, absorbs the words. She's so used to doing everything on her own, that she never thought of asking for help. Especially not from Sid. She's was embarrassed enough to even admit it.
"I just want to be better at all of this." She said gesturing between them.
"Me too. And we'll get there. But promise me, we'll do it together?"
She nods, then takes a tentative step towards him. He takes the signal and opens up his arms. In an instant she falls into them. SHe feels his strong arms wrap around her, holding her close and tight. She can hear his heartbeat and it's a sound she wants to hear for eternity.
His mouth presses softly at the crown of her head. "You know what you have to do, right?"
She pulls back to look at him questioningly.
"You have to go to Yale."
He expects a smile on her face, but instead it darkens. Shadowed and troubled.
"What? It's not that far away. We can make it work."
"No, I'm not going to Yale."
"Come on, it was your dream. I'll pay for it if money is a problem."
She shakes her head and pulls out of his embrace.
"Why?" he asks. "We can make it work, I'll fly to Connecticut on my off days."
"I'm not going to Yale, because they don't want me." she clears her throat and looks at him with shiny eyes.
"How do you know if you don't try…" he starts, but she shakes her head.
"I know because I did try. A few years ago. It was right after that night you came back from the concussion. That night you had the night terrors. We didn't speak for a while after that. I'd never felt so alone, so I thought why not just go? I applied and a few months later I got the rejection letter. So that was it." She shrugged.
Guilt crashes over him in waves. The night of his comeback. When he'd been so mean. Then cut her off. He remembered how she'd been after than. Harder, a little more jaded. It made so much more sense now. It also showed him the breadth of the sacrifices she'd made. How much she needed to prove herself and begin to heal. How much they both needed to heal.
"It's ok," she interrupts his thoughts. He looks at her. She gives him a reassuring look, "Small steps, right? We'll figure it out."
And that's when he knows, that her strength, her perseverance, everything about her is right. For him, for them.
There are a lot of steps, but they'll get there, one at a time.
He pulls her back into his arms and covers her mouth with his. The kiss gentle and full. She responds eagerly. For all that is wrong, there is still very much that is right.
Finally they separate. Sid presses his forehead to Rebecca's. "University of Pennsylvania is a good school."
She nods, "I'm excited. Really, because now it's the right choice. My family is nearby and you'll only be a few hours away."
He smiles, "Plus, Philadelphia is my favorite city."
Rebecca makes a face. "Are you kidding, when did that happen?"
"Just now. It's my favorite place because it's where you will be."
A blush stained her cheeks and she smiles for the first time all night.
A story isn't bad just because it didn't end the way you wanted. It's still a good story, because it's your story.
Edited: ***Author's note: Sorry for the delay, writing during the playoffs is just about the worst. Especially if you have two teams in championship contention. This is not the end. Still some more story to tell. Thanks for sticking with me and go pens!***
