"Okay," she began. "Now what?"
Chakotay turned back around and looked at her medicine bundle all wrapped up, wow she really didn't want him to see it. He shook thoughts of what the object could have been and focused on the next step.
He noticed she had kept the vision quest device out, but she would have to reopen her bundle if she wanted to do a vision quest now.
"Well, it's up to you. Be'lanna looks like she is done over there and is going to join Tom." She turned to where he was looking and smiled slightly.
"Do I go on a vision quest now?"
He laughed lightly, "If you would like to, I can show you to a spot and you can set up your cushion and medicine bundle there. Otherwise, we are done for now, I still have another hour here, otherwise I would go and make you dinner."
She blushed.
"What would you like to do?"
She thought for a moment, was she ready? What would she see? She didn't like the images her mind conjured up. Maybe if he stayed near her it would help her relax, he certainly had that effect, but then again, he couldn't see the medicine bundle.
An idea popped into her head then.
"Would you sit next to me and go on a vision quest too?" She asked.
He was taken aback by her question, and touched at the offer.
He smiled, "I would be honored."
They made their way over to a secluded area near an arch leading outside to a garden. They lay their cushions down beside each other and got comfortable.
Once they were both settled, they looked at each other awkwardly, neither wanting to be the first to open their bundle.
Chakotay smiled at her and she started to laugh, they were acting so silly! It was just meditation.
"How about I start my vision first, and then, when I am in it you can start yours, that way I won't see anything, I will tell my spirit guide not to let me wake until you have had a chance to put everything away."
"That sounds good, but how will your spirit guide know when I am done?"
He paused, not sure how to explain it to her without making it sound…. suggestive.
"Uh…" He reached his hand up and tugged on his ear nervously. "I don't know really, he just sort of knows."
She didn't buy it. And he could tell by the glare she gave him.
"Ha, you don't believe a word I just said do you?"
"No." she replied, with a smile tugging at her lips.
He grinned, "Why don't you ask your spirit guide? They will be able to tell you."
She knew that was all he was going to give her so she nodded, now very curious.
Chakotay began to unravel his medicine bundle, but stopped when he saw Kathryn looking at it.
"Hey, you don't get to look." He said, slightly amused by her curiosity.
She was about to protest but knew she would get nowhere are turned her head.
Chakotay opened his medicine bundle, shooting quick glances at Kathryn to make sure she wasn't peaking. He arranged everything and placed his hand on he device, before he uttered the words to begin the quest he said, "Okay, I am going to start my vision, you can start yours whenever you are ready."
Kathryn nodded to herself and was about to look over to his medicine bundle when he startled her, "And no peeking!"
She laughed a bit, dang he knew her so well he could read her with his eyes closed.
She opened her medicine bundle and took a quick glance at Chakotay, making sure his eyes were closed. When she was confident her privacy would remain she placed her hand on the device and gave her request.
" Ah-koo-chee-moya. I am far from the place I once called home and the people I love, far from the bones of my father… I seek to heal my… spirit, and become strong once again."
She stumbled over the word spirit, never having been a religious person, but at this point she was comforted by the idea of a greater power that could help her regain control of her life.
As she finished, her eyes closed and there was a flash of light.
Her eyes opened and she closed them against the bright light reflecting back at her. Slowly, she blinked and her eyes adjusted.
Before her was a dark, murky blue expanse, she felt sand between her toes and looked down to find her feet in the dark, wet sand.
Lake George.
She inhaled the forest scent, feeling the cool breeze against her skin and the sun on her face. She stayed like that until she heard a snap to her left, and looked towards the sound.
On an old tree trunk lay a lizard. She recognized her spirit guide, but it looked different than the last time she had seen it about 5 years ago.
Instead of orange and red he was purple and blue, his skin duller and his movements slow.
She stood and stared awkwardly at it, unsure of what to do.
'Relax Kathryn' she heard.
The animal hadn't moved, but she knew the voice was coming from him. The voice was calm, mellow, slightly sad, it reminded her vaguely of her fathers…
'You're getting ahead of yourself, do not think about that now. Come, sit by the water' Kathryn continued to watch as the lizard moved off the log, slowly making its way to the water.
She followed slightly behind, watching him move, slightly creeped out by the telepathic link this thing had to her. Maybe this was a spirit of hers.
Her guide slowed, and stopped at the waters edge. She came up next to it and sat down, letting her toes dip into the cool water.
'Well….what have you come to me for?'
Dang the thing really cut to the chase.
'For help I suppose'
'You never ask for help, not directly at least'
She couldn't catch a break from this thing. She knew she didn't ask for help, it was one of those things she knew was bad and did anyway.
'So why are you here….'
'Because I am lost'
'That's more like it… where are you?'
She thought, well she was near Lake George, in some sort of vision….
She could feel eyes on her and looked down at the guide next to her. Was the lizard really giving her a death glare?
'Alright alright fine, ugh….. I am in a dark place. I am in a place where my hands are electric, where my mind is fighting itself, and my heart is useless'
She didn't think, the words just started to form.
'I am lost, and I am alone. And I know I do not have to be alone but I also know I don't really have a choice, yes I can make a choice to change but I know that I do not have the strength or the willpower.'
She was spinning in circles again and she clenched her fists.
'You are fighting yourself.'
'Yes, thank you for that astute observation'
'You know which side should win, you don't want it to though'
'Of course I do!' She sat up straight and became defensive.
'If you did you wouldn't be here'
She started to protest but the lizard kept speaking.
'Why don't you want to be happy Kathryn? Do not tell me you do because I can see you do not. Are you afraid to be happy?'
She stood and walked a few steps from the creature, her eyes shut tight and her hands on her hips.
'Kathryn, for to long you fight, you fight yourself, you tell yourself you deserve to be unhappy, but why? What makes you any less deserving than every other person?'
'What makes me deserving?! I have done nothing, I do not deserve to be happy!'
'That is your judgment'
'No! I mean, yes, I mean' she turned in anger. 'I do not know how to do this. I do not want to know how, I am being weak, I should never have come to a lizard for advice'
She began to storm up the beach but his voice was loud as ever.
'You already regret the decision to turn away from this chance to help yourself, it doesn't have to be this way. End this cycle of hate'
She stopped.
It wasn't hate, she didn't hate anyone, she didn't hate herself, most of the time anyway.
She knelt into the sand.
'I can't…'
Her head hung, and she felt tears rolling down her cheeks. She felt movement near her knee and saw that the lizard was there again.
'Kathryn, you can do this, you do not have to do it alone'
She heard rustling and looked up. Through her tears she saw an animal emerging from the woods. She blinked away her tears and her eyes began to focus.
'There are those that can help you, you just have to trust them, let them in Kathryn, let yourself fall into the people that love you'
Her vision cleared and a grey wolf stood in front of her.
The animal was beautiful, large, broad shoulders. It's fur varying shades on grey, she scanned its face until her eyes rested upon it's.
The eyes were a deep, chocolate brown. They gazed into her, saw past her every barrier. She knew those eyes.
She blinked and stood, backing away quickly, her breathing becoming rapid. She looked around her, looking for somewhere to go,
somewhere to run.
She continued to stumble backward until she turn and broke into a run.
She gasped as she came out of her vision.
Her heart was beating rapidly and she looked around the room.
It was empty, the other crewman must have gone, but when she looked beside her she saw Chakotay.
She jumped again and her heart rate increased once more. She grabbed at her chest and then at her hair.
To much.
She stood and backed away from him, turned and ran out the doors.
