GROUNDED AND BORED

The Joker's Perspective:

No. It's not going to be another fucking mental breakdown so fuck off, thoughts, I'm not in the mood. I tell myself, I argue with myself. The first sign you're going crazy is talking to yourself...I started talking to myself way before I was actually branded 'insane'.

Harleen's actually doing my nut in, she's somehow turned Harley Quinn half-sane. It's almost like she's half Harleen Quinzel and half Harley Quinn. How is that even possible? Part of her wants to just kill me, part of her wants to kiss me and the other part of her just wants me to suffer. I don't know which part of her she's portraying at the moment...but I don't like it.

Harley stood up and collected herself, and her thoughts. She wiped the dirt and blood off her skin and towered over my beaten up body. I found some strength to pick myself off the ground and sit up-right. I ran my hand down the back of my neck. She gave me the 'hands-on-hips you're in so much fucking trouble' look.

I smiled up at her, cricking my neck in place and almost dislocating it from the joint. That's how high above me she felt she was.

"Can I get up now?" I asked, giving her the slight 'Joker puppy eyes' which she loves.

"No"

"Why not? I think I've done enough time in detention and learnt my lesson" I joked. The inclusion of a school reference probably angered her more.

"You've been bad, Mistah J"

"Awful, yes I know. Absolutely horrific to think I would be able to win you back after saving your life for let's see...this must be the third time at least for this week?" I said sarcastically.

"Shut up"

"You only want me to shut up because you know I'm right" I smirked.

"Shut up!" she screamed at me.

I pushed my hands onto the rough dirt and forced my body to stand up. I backhanded Harley fiercely with my bare hand. Her cheek flamed up and blushed dark red. Flecks of mud were now mixed in with the makeup on her face.

Nobody ever tells The Joker to shut up, not even Harley. Anyone who gives me an order...or attempts to...generally ends up without their tongue.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" I asked humorously.

She put her hands on her hips and pouted her lips. She was standing there, sulking like a little spoilt child. With a 'beaten to a bloody pulp' bruise on my face, I could be mistaken to be physically and emotionally weak.

I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen. I brushed past her, touching my fingers on her arm. Walking around her slowly, looking at her top to bottom.

"What are you doing?" she asked, following her eyes to my movements.

"Nothing" I replied, continuing to pace around her.

"That's annoying, stop it"

I slapped her again. "Did you not learn the first hundred times?"

"Learn what?"

"I am the one who gives the orders, not you"

"I think I deserve more authority" she complained.

"Tough shit, kiddo" I stated. "If you want more authority, go and get the car out of that ditch"

She paused, bracing to say something rude...soon deciding that would be a bad idea. "...Fine!" she groaned, stropping off over to the grounded car.

My eyes found themselves staring towards her backside as she walked.

"Stop staring, didn't anyone tell you it's rude to stare?" Harley asked, turning around and sticking her tongue out at me rudely.

I didn't respond, but removed my glare from her ass and gazed at my knife instead. I pressed the cold metal blade against my skin. Ouch! Still sharp.

"Mistah J!" she yelled out from next to the smoking car. I trudged my feet to her position angrily. She was now covered in oil. "I'm not a mechanic ok!" she moaned.

"You've broken it..."

"I didn't break it, it was already broken!"

"Yeah, a bit like you" I muttered under my breath.

"What was that, Mistah J?"

"Nothing, nothing don't worry." I assured her. She grunted and smashed her fist onto the hood of the car. "Are you completely stupid or what? Smashing your hand against the car won't fix it"

"Worth a shot" she shrugged.

"Alright fine, how about the police car?"

"That's in a worse state, look the doors are hanging off it and everything" she pointed at the complete wreck which used to be a police car.

How fast did I ram into that thing?

"Hmm...I could always call for some transport." I got out the smartphone from my pocket. I dialled a number on my phone. "Come on...pick up!" I shouted out, with the phone pushed towards my ear.

"What is it? I'm busy" the caller answered...incredibly rudely I might add.

"Watch your tone, missy." I responded.

The caller was a mercenary of mine, and a very effective one...she's one of my most useful thugs. Yes, she. Don't act so surprised...that's incredibly sexist and you know it. She calls herself 'Empress'...though I know her as Emma, I guess that's what inspired the villain name. She'll work her way up the chain soon enough, she's that good.

"I'm a little busy, you know...trying to cover my own ass without having to worry about yours?"

"Yeah...I know...wait, are those gunshots I can hear?" I asked, questioning the gunfire in the background of the call.

"Told ya I was busy. I can multi-task though, what's on your mind?"

"Oh nothing, just beaten, bruised and stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere." I said angrily.

"Say no more, on my way" Emma responded confidently.

"I didn't even say where-" the call cut off. "She hung up? Really?" I questioned her confidence.

"Who'd ya call?" Harley asked curiously.

"Mercenary, they're coming to pick us up." I said, trying to hide the fact that it was a female mercenary. Harley gets jealous really easily. "Now we just wait"

"Waiting is boring...I wanna do something" she moaned annoyingly.

"What can we do in the middle of nowhere, really? What can we do?"

"You're The Joker...you can think of something...c'mon" she said encouragingly.

"Only if you stop treating me like shit on the bottom of your shoe" I smirked.

"I'm just upset...and bored."

"Oh...I can help with that" I smiled, grabbing her by the hips flirtatiously.

"Really...you're trying that? Really?" she groaned, moving away from my playful grip.

"Don't pretend you don't want to make out on the bonnet of that police car"

"I really don't." she crossed her arms and looked at me disapprovingly.

"I'll rephrase that...we're going to make out on the bonnet of that police car" I said seriously.

"No, we're fucking not." she said adamantly.

"You wanna play hard to get, pumpkin pie?"

"Don't you fucking 'pumpkin pie' me, mister" she glared at me, making sure I kept my distance. Whoo boy...she was pissed with me.

"I think I've had a promotion from the shit on the bottom of your shoe to the guy who's allowed to look at you but has to pay for the privilege" I joked.

"Everyone has to pay to glance at my ass" she stated playfully.

"Oh girl, you're feisty...and I love it" I took hold of her body and ran my lips over her neck.

Her forceful denial of love lowered each second I played around with her. I ran my fingers through her bouncy pigtails and down her face. She smiled at me, blushing slightly.

"You're a good kisser."

"Someone has to be" I looked at her, 'Joker puppy eyes' coming into play again. "So... may your 'puddin' try some of your butter cream now?" I asked flirtatiously, winking at her.

"Maybe a little taste" she winked back at me, allowing my lips to captivate her. "How long until that mercenary gets here?"

"Does it matter?" I asked, distracted by the voluntary affection she was giving me.

"It does when you're an asshole" she said half playfully, half angrily.

"Yeah, but I'm your asshole" I smiled. I followed up my comment with a passionate kiss on her lips. "Can I tempt you to battered up police car sex now?"

"Do you have to ask?" she said, throwing my body onto the hood of the police car. Oh damn, she was going all out today.

"I love you" I whispered into her ear.

"Yeah well I fucking hate you, but I love you more" she replied, moving her hand down my chest.

"That doesn't make sense"

"You're The Joker...Since when have you ever made sense" she stated, snuggling up to me.

Do you see how easy that was? Within minutes she's throwing me onto a police car and quite happy to have sex with me. It won't go that far, we've got some dignity...who gets naked in the middle of nowhere? No thanks, not today.

It's been ten minutes since I called that mercenary...I wonder when she'll get here. Emma sounded like she was busy...well actually I heard for myself that she was busy. Meanwhile...me and Harley can enjoy some quality time together...for however long it lasts, anyway.

Don't get any stupid ideas, brain...you're not going to betray Harley again. Even for Empress...who I must admit has caught my attention in many different ways. Not in that way though. Granted...Im a flirt, but I'm loyal to my Harley Quinn.