"Cress?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you."
The words had come out as a whisper and Thorne sucked in a breath. He hadn't meant to say it, but he was caught up in the perfect date—the perfect kiss—and now that the words had tumbled out of his mouth, he wondered if Cress had heard him.
He counted six heartbeats. Six heartbeats and then Cress pulled away and let out a soft laugh.
"That was pretty amazing wasn't it?"
Maybe she hadn't heard him after all and he should have left it at that, but the kiss had made him feel invincible. Now that he had said those words out loud and in front of her, he couldn't just pretend it didn't happen.
"Cress."
It took her a moment to meet his gaze.
"I love you."
"Oh." She sighed and cast her eyes down onto her lap. The anguish in her voice, in just one word, made him feel hollow.
Thorne reached for her hand and she let him take it, but the familiar warmth and tenderness he was so accustomed to wasn't there. The hand he was now holding was rigid and stiff.
"Cress?"
"Listen, Thorne. I like you, I do, but you can't love me. You shouldn't love me. I don't believe in love."
Thorne looked at her slack-jawed. "You don't believe in love? But…but…you read Keats."
Cress laughed, but it was weary. "Keats died penniless and alone, hundreds of miles away from someone he claimed to have loved."
"But—"
"Look. Please don't take it personally. This has nothing to do with you. Honestly, I wouldn't even know what love looked like, even if it … " Cress trailed off when she finally met his eyes again, and he was convinced she was able to see the agony etched on his face. "I like you Thorne. I do. It's just that …"
"You don't love me."
Cress looked away again.
"Could never love me." Thorne's words were barely a whisper. He dragged his uninjured hand down his face and wondered how he could have gone from incredibly blissful to devastatingly miserable in the span of five minutes.
"Here." Cress handed him a bottle of water. "This will make you feel better."
He took it from her, but he doubted anything would have been able to make him feel better. "What—what about Cinder and Kai? Scarlet and Wolf? They love each other." Thorne could hear the desperation in his voice and he nearly cringed at himself.
Cress sighed. "They're all in high school. They probably won't even end up in the same colleges. They'll try to make it work, but then they'll end up breaking up anyways. People always leave."
"But, Cress…" Thorne made to take Cress's hand again, but this time she pulled away.
"Kai's mom died when he was a baby. Cinder only has a cruel stepmother and Wolf only has Maha. Both of Scarlet's parents abandoned her and that's why she lives with her grandmother. My…" She paused when her breath hitched. "When I was twelve my dad got sick. Really sick, and instead of taking care of him, my mom abandoned him. Abandoned me. She promised to love him, but she just left. Disappeared into the night."
Thorne didn't know what to say. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like to wake up one day to find his mom had left. Maybe he would feel like Cress did now—that promises of love didn't mean anything if you could make them in front of friends and family and then abandon them entirely. Thorne balled up his fists. But it didn't matter, not to him. He knew how much he loved Cress in his heart and his body and he wanted her to know it too.
"Cress, I—"
Cress shook her head, then shifted and began reaching for things to pack back into the cooler. "It's getting late. We should head back."
Thorne watched, bewildered, as Cress began to pack up everything and paused when she got to the telescope.
"I'll—I'll do that." His throat feeling like sandpaper. He took a sip of the water.
Thorne focused on disassembling the telescope and avoided making eye contact with Cress, but he figured that she would be avoiding him too. They worked in silence and when Thorne had packed everything up in the back of the Jeep, he found that Cress was already sitting in the passenger seat, waiting for him to take her home.
The car ride back was complete torture for Thorne. Even with the radio turned up, Cress's silence was deafening. He casually placed his hand on the middle console, hoping Cress would take it, but she didn't. She was busy twisting her fingers into her short locks as she looked out of her window. Thorne found a small bit of comfort when he realized she was looking up at the stars.
When Thorne pulled up in front of her house, Cress finally turned to him. "Thank you for…for taking me home. You don't need to walk me to the door."
"No, I insist." Thorne's voice was gentle and he was relieved when she gave him a small smile and nodded her head.
Thorne had hoped that she would take his hand then, but she didn't. He couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment in his chest, but when his hand accidentally brushed hers as they climbed the steps, he thought she might have let her fingers linger against his, even for just a moment.
Thorne waited as Cress unlocked her door. He racked his brain for something to say to make things better, but he was at a loss for words.
"Goodnight, Thorne." Cress's voice was soft.
"Goodnight, Cress."
She stood there for a moment, not meeting his eyes. Thorne thought she may have been looking at his lips and a surge of hope coursed through him, but then she slipped inside the house without another word. Thorne stood there numbly until the porch light turned off and washed him in darkness. He sighed, making his way back to his car and home.
He was glad to see that his parents weren't waiting for him when he got there. The last thing he needed was for them to ask him how the date had gone. He had already replayed it over and over in his head during the drive from Cress's house. He replayed the stargazing, the kiss—the perfect, ground shattering, heaven splitting kiss—and then it became a complete jumble of confusion after that.
Up until his confession, everything had been perfect. Cress liked him, she had even said so herself, and she had kissed him. She had told him it was an amazing kiss, but she had also told him not to love her. How could she not believe in love? Was that what Kai had meant when he said she was a heartbreaker? Had other people confessed their love to her, only to be rejected, too?
Thorne shook his head. No, he wasn't like those other guys. Of course Cress couldn't believe in love when she only experienced it through jerks like Julian, but Thorne was patient and he knew they were destined to have a great, epic romance. He had made a mistake by confessing his love for her—he realized it then, but it didn't change how he felt about her. He would wait for her. He would take things slow. Show her what real love looked like.
All Cress needed was time and Thorne could give it to her.
Resolved, Thorne changed into his pajamas to get ready for bed. As he shook out his clothes before placing them into the hamper, Cress's silver hair pin fell out of his shirt pocket. He bent down to pick it up and the rhinestone-studded star shimmered as it caught the light of his bedside lamp. He climbed into bed and twirled the hair pin back and forth between his fingers, recalling the memory of Cress performing the same movements just a couple of hours ago and the way it sparkled in the light of the kerosene lamp.
The next day, when his parents asked him about the date at breakfast, Thorne mumbled something about it going well and made an excuse about having homework before hurrying back upstairs. Afraid they would press him further on the issue, he kept himself locked up in his room the rest of the day. With nothing better to do, he read Bright Star over and over again and wondered how Cress couldn't see all the love and passion in it. Or maybe she had, but didn't believe it could be real. He was determined to show her it was.
He must have dozed off because the next thing he knew, he was startled awake by his phone buzzing on his nightstand. Curious to see who would be calling him, he looked at the phone and dropped it onto the bed when Cress's name flashed on the screen. He hesitated. He hadn't expected to hear from her and even though he had wanted to call her twenty times that day, he had to remind himself to give her space. Three more rings went by and he finally answered.
His heart pounded when he raised the phone to his ear. "H-hello?" He hated that he had just woken up and his voice was scratchy.
"Hi, Thorne. It's Cress. I didn't think … I thought maybe you wouldn't answer."
Thorne cleared his throat, but his words still sounded rough. "Hey."
He heard a soft intake of breath. "Um. I—I just wanted to thank you for taking me out on a wonderful date. I should have told you last night. I'm sorry I didn't." She paused. "I still have your roses and I don't feel right keeping them after—"
Thorne had not expected her to try and return her roses and it made his chest hurt. He closed his eyes and sighed. He was relieved when his voice came out calm and gentle. "No, you should keep them. I got them for you, Cress."
"Thank you." There was a moment of silence before she spoke again. "I know you must be really upset with me right now, but I hope we can still be friends."
"Fr—friends?" The word caught in his throat and his heart dropped. He would have been okay being Cress's friend before everything, but now that he knew she had liked him and had wanted that kiss just as much as he did, he just didn't understand why they couldn't be together.
"Yes. I don't want to lose your friendship just because things didn't work out."
"If I took back everything I said, would you change your mind?"
Cress sighed. "It wouldn't be fair."
"What's not fair is that you like me and I like you and we're not together."
"But you don't just like me." She sounded pained and Thorne felt like a hand was closing around his heart. "I'm sorry."
"Me too." Thorne fidgeted with the hem of his duvet. "I should—I should go."
"Oh. Okay." Cress paused. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."
"Sure." Unlike their first phone conversation, Thorne didn't wait for Cress to hang up. He turned off his phone and buried himself under the covers. He dreaded the thought of going to school the next day and facing Cress, facing his friends. He had to correct himself. Who was he kidding, they were all her friends.
Thorne felt something poke him when he pushed his face into his pillows and buried his hands deeper under the covers. He reached for the object and pulled out Cress's silver hair pin. He twirled it once in his fingers, letting it catch the light of his bedside lamp before clutching it in the palm of his hand and letting the tears fall.
He woke up suddenly in the middle of the night. The whole house was silent and when he checked his alarm clock, a dull digital 05:14AM greeted him. Thorne sighed and pulled himself out of bed. He went to the bathroom to wash his face. When he examined himself in the mirror, he was surprised to see that he didn't look any different. He thought he would be looking at an entirely new face, one he wouldn't have been able to recognized, but aside from the rim of red around his tired eyes, he was staring at the same reflection he always had before.
He hated it.
He didn't think he should still look the same when his heart was torn in two. He didn't feel like he was the same person—not when he felt like a thousand knives had been plunged into his stomach and Cress was the one who drove each blade into him. The thought made him wince.
Thorne sighed and shuffled back to his bed. He lay there, staring at the ceiling, waiting for his alarm to go off and thought of how he could avoid Cress at school.
Two hours later, Thorne sat in his Jeep and watched as students and faculty made their way into the school. He hoped to avoid Cress and the whole Rampion crew that morning and was glad when he spotted their cars in the parking lot. They were all already inside and he didn't have to risk them seeing him. Thorne sat and waited for the hands on his watch to click to 7:20 A.M. until he finally heard the first period bell ring.
He got out of his car and slowly made his way to the brick building. This would be the first time in his entire life that he was tardy, but he preferred that over the possibility of running into Cress in the hallway that morning. He had to give Cress her hair pin back and he thought he could avoid her entirely if he could just slip it into her locker.
Thorne was glad to see that no one was roaming the hallways when he finally made it inside. He quickly jogged to his locker and grabbed the books he needed. His palms were sweaty when he made his way to Cress's locker. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the hair pin and the piece of paper stuck to it. He had agonized over what to write to her and had gone through nearly twenty slips of paper before settling on simply writing out her name. He caressed the little star with the pad of his thumb before closing his eyes and stuffing it through the slot in the teal locker.
"What are you doing?"
Thorne spun around. "Aces, Kate! You're going to give me a heart attack one of these days."
Kate smiled apologetically. "Sorry, but what were you doing? And why aren't you in class?"
Thorne wiped at his brow. Even though there was nothing to wipe away, he was comforted by the gesture. "I had something of Cress's. I was just returning it."
Kate nodded. "How did your date go?"
"Why aren't you in class?"
Kate laughed when her and Thorne spoke at the same time, but stopped when she saw Thorne cast his eyes downwards.
"I have first period office aide. You should get to class, you're already tardy." Kate paused. "Unless…"
Thorne looked up to see Kate tapping a finger against her chin.
"Follow me." She turned around and Thorne had to jog to catch up to her.
Kate made Thorne stand outside the door while she slipped inside the office. He was convinced one of the hall monitors would be rounding the corner any minute and he would actually be in real trouble.
When Thorne started to panic, Kate finally came out. She handed him an orange slip of paper with a loopy blue signature.
"It's a tardy slip. Now you'll be off the hook."
Thorne's eyes bulged. "I can't take this. You can't be forging someone's signature on things!"
Kate laughed. "It's my signature. No one's going to pay attention anyway. Come on. I'll walk you to your class."
As they made their way to Thorne's physics class, Thorne played with the piece of paper to give himself something to do. He didn't know why he was compelled to tell Kate, but before he knew it, he was telling her about his date with Cress.
"…And now I'm trying to avoid her." He gulped. "Because I'm pathetic."
Kate stopped walking and contemplated the ground. When she looked up, she laid a hand on Thorne's arm. "I'm really sorry. And you're not pathetic."
The look on her face made Thorne really believe her, and he nodded appreciatively. "I just, feel like a complete fool and what's worse is, she said she liked me, but we can't be together? That doesn't make sense."
Kate pursed her lips. "Sure it does."
Thorne looked at her quizzically.
"Maybe she's afraid of disappointing you."
Thorne opened his mouth to say something, but Kate raised her hand to stop him.
"Just think about it. How would you feel if someone professed their love for you and you weren't expecting it? Especially if that person was smart and sweet and kind. It's a tough situation to be in, for both of you."
Thorne chewed on his bottom lip and Kate chuckled. She gestured to the closed door and Thorne nodded.
"Thanks, Kate."
"Sure." She patted him on the shoulder. She turned around to head back to the front office.
Thorne watched her go and thought about what she had said. It all made sense. The logical part of his brain knew it, but it still didn't stop the ache in his chest, and he felt even more pathetic for it. He had thought loving Cress silently was the worst heartache, but he realized he had been entirely wrong.
AN: Thanks as always to my beta lettered and a special anon guest beta. Do you think shy!Thorne can ever recover from this heartbreak?
