A/N: because silly and dumb?
Wishy and i have devised a new headcanon because of this crack, case in point: Blake, Goddess of Porn, for all your hentai needs~
ENJOY!
Queen of her Court
Blake was sitting in the room reading one of her books (which wasn't porn for once!) it was a new fantasy series that was supposedly really good. Something about characters randomly dying off for whatever contrived reason the author saw put. Apparently it meant the fans were betting constantly who was going to be next.
Also there were A LOT of sex scenes, but this was TOTALLY not porn! This was high end fantasy damnit!
… though she'd seen very little magic so far other than a couple of overgrown dogs, but whatever…
"My heart will go ooooooon~ and IIIIIIIIIIIIII-ai-ai willlllll aaaallllllllwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaayyyysssss-"
Her hidden cat ear twitched, grabbing her scroll without even looking, "What?"
"The hell? Where's my stuff!?"
Without removing her eyes from her book she held the scroll out at an appropriate distance while Cardin bitched on the other end. After a few pages, and getting to the end of the chapter, she finally brought it back, "Are you done?"
There was some gruff huffing on the other end, "Grrr… ugh… fine… what gives though, thought we had a deal?!"
"I've got a lot of deals," she put the scroll on her shoulder, turning the page, "And I've decided to add a stipulation to ours…"
"Oh come on!" more growling on the other end, "I'll pay double!"
It took a lot of effort on Blake's part not to snort, "It's not a money thing, it's a moral thing…"
"Moral? You're a fucking animal and you're selling porn!" after a long pause it sounded like he hit his forehead, "Wait, shit."
Setting her book down she pulled the scroll from her shoulder and narrowly looked at it for a second before putting it up to her ear, "See, right there," she leaned to the side, crossing one arm over her chest, "See, I'm a forgiving person, mostly, but your Faunus-hating bullshit is getting on my nerves." She put the book down to the side and stood up, glancing around, "If you can go a whole week without harassing another Faunus, I'll reconsider our deal…"
"Oh come on! I-you-agh!"
A slight smirk rose on the cat Faunus' face, turning to look out the window, "Stop picking on Faunus, and you'll get the next volume of 'Yowling from the Fence', we have a deal?"
"Arrggg… fine. Only because the last three were that good… damnit."
Blake just smirked.
There was a rough sigh, "so are we talking just Faunus or everyone I can't fuck with?"
Blake thought about that for a few seconds, "Honestly, I don't care, stay away from the Faunus and you'll get your book…"
There was a sinister chuckle, "Fine, guess I'll just have to go… workout or something…"
Without caring Blake just shrugged, clicking off her scroll. The guy was a jerk, but he was good for business… being the only person she charged triple price for her side business. Half the things Yang got from Mal-Wyvern were 'helped' with those proceeds.
"Do the bunny hop! Hop! Hop! Hop!"
Blake clicked her scroll, "Hey Velvet."
"H-hey, Blake… so… I was wonder… if you-I mean I might be needing-er… well… ehehehe…"
The black cat Faunus could only roll her eyes. Velvet was one of her 'nicer' patrons, as in she got the friend discount because she actually returned her books in a timely manner and in good condition, but no matter what she could never just flat out ask for them. "You need a new book?" there was a squeak on the other end, likely accompanied by a nod despite she couldn't see it, "Well, you're in luck, I've still got a copy of 'Yowling from the Fence', the guy never came to pick it up…" there was not an evil smirk on her face, totally not.
"Awesome! I love that series! Er-I mean… uh, same as usual?"
Another roll of amber eyes, "It'll be there." Instead of dealing with the sortied goodbyes, Blake just hit the 'end call' button on her scroll. She loved Velvet, the girl was sweet, but sometimes she could really drag things out.
And Blake wasn't in the mood to drag anything out.
She'd been feeling rather moody and restless, and all the bargaining with her 'business' wasn't helping. She could barely keep her focus on her own private stash, let alone hold everyone's hand that came crawling to her for their porn fix. Honestly, she was still amazed she could keep this under wraps. Yang never asked where the money came from and she was thorough about monitoring Ruby in case she ever got curious about her books, more worried how Yang in her overbearing/protective mom!mode would react to her baby sister suddenly reading some X-rated material than anything else. Yang was a devious little kink-master herself, the bag under her bed stashed, ironically, behind all the porn books and filled with assorted 'stuff' from Mal-Wyvern was a testament to that. But she could be SUCH a worry-nag when it came to keeping Ruby 'safe' from everything.
Blake was honestly convinced if either she or Yang had kids the blonde would duct-tape some giant horrendous fluffy monstrosity to them before kicking them outside, for their 'protection'. If overbearing love could kill, Yang Xiao Long would be the one to figure it out.
Plus the blonde brawler had a particular allergy to books, or at least the ones she hadn't written herself, so Blake knew those two never bothered to poke around her collection. And she was fairly convinced if Weiss bothered to look she never asked and meticulously put the books back exactly how they were. Blake was convinced if the white haired heiress needed to ask when her smutty books literally lined their walls, there was just something wrong with the girl.
Feeling a bit twitchier than usual, Blake taped open her scroll checking the calendar, "Damnit."
That's why she was feeling moodier and anxious. Ever since she was fourteen there was one thing she dreaded more than being stuck in a burning room full of dogs, and that was when she went into, for the lack of a better word as much as she hated to admit it, heat.
Female cats generally stayed in heat until they got screwed for three nights by every tom in the area and got pregnant. Luckily being only a Faunus with cat traits this meant she only got exceptionally horny for a few weeks three times a year. She was experienced enough to get through these periods without anyone realizing, only getting exceptionally snappy and being more 'withdrawn' than normal. Luckily the other members of Team RWBY had previously not questioned her not-quite-different-shift in demeanor the last few times. Thank Monty for humans and their stupidity at times.
The only problem was that it was getting harder and harder to deal with, there was a damn good reason she had literal walls worth of porn! Before she could get away with just reading and ignoring the intense animalistic urges, but this year she felt that wasn't going to cut it.
This year she had access to two very hot and very sexy individuals, which she had seen naked, had her fun-time-way with, and not to mention the bag of 'stuff' hidden behind her porn under her bed. She was not going to make it through this season without someone figuring it out…
There was only one way to curb this, and frankly it was about damn time!
She sent a text to Yang: Where are you?
Blake had enough time to start pacing before she got a response: In detention~ Glyndie's being mean to meeeeeee~ What'ya want sexy? ;P
Part of her was amused by Yang's childish text-talk but the more domineering one, that sounded like a yowling cat in her head, was displeased by this response: How long?
Another few minutes went by, she'd circled the room once already and was working on another lap before the buzzing of her scroll signaled another text: Eerr… till I finish this make-up work? O.o;
Followed quickly by another: Wats up kitten? Ya need me for something? I can ditch if you want! :D
Blake actually snorted. Yang could be an idiot at times but she really was adorable, and she really wasn't dumb just… academically challenged. Nvm I'll call Sun.
The reply was almost immediate, and since it was cut off she was convinced Yang either had her scroll confiscated or had to hide it: awwww now I re-
Snorting, and probably a bit annoyed, she quickly texted something out to Sun, cursing the fact he was stuck in Haven instead of here, like he should be!
Surprisingly his response was quicker than Yang's.
"I'm too sexy for shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy it huuuuuuurts-"
"That was fast," Blake spoke flatly as she picked up.
"Well, yea! When I get a text from one of my girls that says 'Call. Now.' I kinda figure it's important?" there was a bit of shuffling around on his end, "So where's the fire at? Something wrong?"
"I'll show you where the fire's at," the innuendo was out of her mouth before she could properly think about it. This may or may not have resulted in Blake facepalming, "Nevermind, get over here as quickly as you can."
"I-what?" sometimes Blake really wished the two blondes in her life didn't live up to the stereotype, "Wait, why do I have to head there now? Is there like a major Grimm attack, is Yang hurt? You? Did somebody die? What?"
Pinching the bridge of her nose Blake tried to suppress the growl forming in her throat, "No, I just need you now."
"Need as in?"
"NEED Sun!" at this point she was growling at the scroll, "Don't make me have to be blunt like Yang, you won't like it when you get here if I need to be blunt…"
There was a bit of a chuckle on the other end, "Well, I guess it is springtime over there~"
Amber eyes glared at her scroll before she put it back, "You are so lucky you're sexy…"
"Un! Don't forget it kitten, I am THE definition of sexy~ I put the 'me' in pleased~ and before you ask where the 'm' went, well, that's all that'll be coming outta your mouth while I'm-"
"Here. Now!" was all Blake could get out as her face went red and she abruptly ended the call. She knew from experience if she let him Sun had a series' worth of lines, that were actually somewhat good, and it was downright horrifying what happened when him and Yang got together.
Blake quickly threw her scroll on her desk. If she was lucky Sun could get a flight out of Haven and be here within three to four hours, which would probably be as long as it took for Yang to get her work done or Professor Goodwitch to get bored with her and finally set her free. Blake may have taken a few minutes to twiddle her fingers like an evil mastermind before setting about her work of preparations.
Which started with looking at the haphazard bunkbeds they'd devised of Yang's bed precariously balanced on four stacks of her books, books that she needed at the moment to distract herself. Also that bed needed to come down so they'd have more room. With the faintest touch the secondary bed came crashing to the floor on its side and she was honestly wondering how that hadn't happened sooner.
It didn't take too long to fix the bed so it was between the wall and flush with her own. Collecting her books and checking them for damage before getting to the real business at hand.
Crouching down and throwing up her covers Blake spied her numerous collect of illicit reading material. It took a few minutes of pulling them out (and properly organizing them so she didn't get confused later) that there was enough space that she could remove The Bag.
… this also happened to be the moment in time for Weiss to walk into their room.
For a moment the white haired heiress just glared, "Why is it every time I walk into this room you are in a compromising position?"
Blake's bow twitched before the Faunus sat up from her crouch, pulling The Bag out with her, mostly, it might have gotten stuck on a few more books. With a low growl, Blake just turned over her shoulder to glare at the Schnee, "You have impeccable timing."
Icy blue eyes rolled as Weiss moved to her desk, obviously trying to grab something and leave as quickly as possible, "I don't want to know what you and Yang plan on doing, I don't want to see it, I don't want to hear it, and I would like to be nowhere near it, so I'll just grab what I came for and leave…"
"Good," Blake bent over again grabbing a few more books out from under her bed to better accommodate The Bag's retrieval, "Then you might want to go ask around if you can stay with someone else for the next few days…"
It sounded like something dropped, as Weiss turned to her black-clad comrade, "I'm sorry, what?"
Blake finally got The Bag out and smirked triumphantly at it, "Well, you don't want to be anywhere near what we're going to be doing and it's going to be awhile," the cat smirk got somewhat more sinister as she unzipped The Bag, "Sun's on his way over and once Yang's out of detention… well…"
Was that purring Weiss was hearing or had she finally gone nuts from her teammates? She finally turned around to see what Blake had pulled out from under her bed, and wished she hadn't, "OH-MY-GOD! WHAT IS ALL THAT?!"
Blake didn't respond as she started pulling things out, trying to find something specific.
"Dear Monty! What is wrong with you!" the Schnee heiress shrieked as she turned back to the door.
Feeling a bit feisty, and completely blaming her relationship with a certain set of blondes, Blake turned to the white heiress with a smug grin, "Do you reeaaally want to know?"
"NO! NO I DON'T!" Weiss nearly ripped the door of its hinges, "I'm going to go get a room in Vale for the next WEEK and I'm taking Ruby with me to save her this horror that is her sister's deviant sex life, and ordering a bunch of spray bottles and industrial strength bleach!"
When the door slammed Blake couldn't help releasing a laugh, sometimes Weiss really wasn't that bad, despite being a Schnee.
A decent amount of time went by, spent easily putting things in their proper places for appropriate uses, when the door knocked.
Blake's bow twitched towards the door and she skeptically opened it to quite the surprise, "Sun?!"
"Hey there Kitten, I hear you ordered an express package from Haven?" the monkey Faunus did a few poses, flexing his abs and giving her a winking smile.
Amber eyes blinked, surprised to see him so soon, "It's only been an hour since I called you, how?" as far as she knew the fastest flights still took a good three hours to travel between the cities.
Sun just leaned on the door stop with one arm, looking as charming as he possibly could, "You probably won't believe me if I told you," when a black brow rose on the wary cat he knew he'd have to give the details, "Alright, no need to twist my arm~" he smiled brightly holding out his hands, "It's actually really simple, I called up Pyrrha after you hung up on me, since she's used to traveling from Mystral all over, and told her you needed me for an emergency, she said to just walk into the airport and call her so she could set things up. Did you know she has her OWN FREAKIN' JET!" his hands went up as he somewhat fanboy'ed, "Pyrrha freakin' Nikos has her own jet! Said her sponsor gave it to her for free after she won the last tournament in Mystral! But she like never uses it but it's always prepped in case, so flashing my scroll with her on it got me on board and here in about 45 minutes, that thing is FAST!"
The second he was done talking Blake simply grabbed his collar and dragged him down for a kiss. The blonde boy's tail went straight and after a second he kissed her back with a stupid grin on his face. When they finally separated Blake looked over his shoulder at the door across the hall, "I'll have to think of a way to thank her…"
There was a jingling click of something metal as Sun's tail pulled what appeared to be a pair of handcuffs from his pocket as he looked as his girlfriend with a sly grin, "Oh, I can think of a few things," those handcuffs jiggled, "But first, you said you needed me for something, my queen?"
With a sly Cheshire smirk Blake dragged the monkey boy into her room by his captive collar.
"Weeeiiiisssss! Where are we going!" Ruby flailed as her partner dragged her out of the airship from Beacon into Vale. The little reddish brunette had no idea what was going on, she'd been outside talking to Velvet about her box when all of a sudden her partner just came storming out of the dorms, grabbed her arm and shouted loudly that they were going to be staying in Vale for the next week. Ruby was honestly fine with a small vacation, she just worried since the suggestion was coming from Weiss of all people, "Why are we staying in town? Don't we have class?"
"They were canceled," was the Schnee heiress' clipped response.
Raising a brow, Ruby looked at her partner skeptically, "They were? Why?"
"A festival…" Weiss said flatly.
Now Ruby was really confused, pouting at her partner, "But I don't see any decorations?"
For a moment it looked like the white clad girl shuddered, "Trust me, there is one going on and we need to get as far away-er, I mean," she growled quickly cutting herself off. There was no way she could flat out tell Ruby that, she'd have to improvise, "… Further in town? Yea! Further in! to town! Away from Beacon… to see it…" quickly covering up any inconsistencies by dragging Ruby further away from that horrible place.
"Oh! Okay!" a bright smile passed on Ruby's face, this sounded like it could be fun! She pulled out her scroll with her free hand, "Lemme just call up Yang and Bl-!"
"NO!" Weiss quickly turned around and snatched Ruby's scroll, "Er, I mean…" she coughed tucking the scroll into her own pocket, "They're… already, er, celebrating… yea…"
"Aww," the younger girl pouted adorably again, "Why aren't they here celebrating with us!" she looked up at the older girl with watery puppy eyes, "is it something I said?"
Weiss just stared. She hated to admit it but she was completely unable to resist that level of adorably pathetic cute Ruby could pull off with her puppy eyes, "NO! NOTHING YOU DID! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" her free hand was pumped and she drew Ruby into a tight one armed hug. Then realizing her slip, coughed and looked away, "Er… I mean… its… celebrated between partners… yea! A partner bonding festival!" back was her confident fist pumping! She could get through this insanity!
"OH REALLY?!" damn Ruby and her adorably naïve sparkling eyes and squeaky optimism!
Weiss was stunned for a moment only able to stare, before shaking her head and looking as far away as she could, "Yes… lots of partner…" a shudder shook her whole body, "bonding…" another awkward cough.
Ruby was smiling, obviously about to accept this logic until one detail popped into her head, "But wait, I saw Sun walking back to our room before you came to get me-"
Panicking Weiss did the only thing she was capable of in this situation.
"OH LOOK! FESTIVAL STUFF!"
Distraction!
… and before Ruby could so much as question the fact there in fact were no 'festival stuff', Weiss had grabbed her hand and was dragging her off throughout the depths of Vale.
The white Heiress could only hope she survived this week.
A/N: soon Weiss, soon~ :D
i've also decided i may need to spoof reasons why Pyrrha-Freakin'-Nikos shouldn't die, here's number 116, she has a goddamn jet! for all your cross-continental-booty-call-needs! XD
and just so you all know, the title of the 'book' came from Wishstone ;P
Review? :D
Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!
-Ikasury
