AN1: Sorry for the long wait! Lost a little inspiration for this story, but hopefully I am getting back on track.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, X-Factor or any copyrighted material mentioned. Just Borrowing!
Santana's POV
Almost two days, it has almost been two days since you have seen your girlfriend. You have sent the blonde countless texts, called her every hour on the hour, stopped by her townhouse 5 times and every time there was no answer or she "wasn't home". All you wanted to do was to apologize to Brittany, beg her to forgive you, drop on your hands and knees and spill your guts out to the blonde. But, how could you forgive her, how could you get her back if she wouldn't even talk to you?
The second the door slammed in your face you knew you had really stepped in it. Usually, words were you strong suit. You used your words to get yourself out of trouble with your parents in high school when you got caught drinking in your friend's basements. You used words in school to debate in and out of the classroom. You used words to assert your dominance. They were vicious, unyielding and certainly unforgiving. You can bend, twist, manipulate, spit, fire and weave words to your personal benefit. You were the puppet master and words were your puppets. People feared your words, people revered your words so much so you were voted as class speaker at graduation. Needless to say, you usually don't let the power of words intimidate you, except for when it came to expressing feelings.
When it came to Brittany all there was were feelings, all you had were emotions and a jumble of words living in your heart, soul and brain that even you had trouble sorting through. Worse, when it came to the thought of possibly saying goodbye to Brittany, those words became even denser, more jumbled, more confusing, scarier. Your intention was never to discredit Brittany, her talent or her ability to lead. Your intention was to support her, to help her, to put yourself out there as an ally. But all she heard you say that without you she would fail. If you knew Brittany at all, you knew she was fiercely proud of her independence and her ability so thrive and strive on her own. All you wanted to do was give her the idea for the mash up and walk away, help her with the vocal part of it and then let her make all other decisions. You knew Rachel had been handling all arrangements and song selection, you thought you would be taking a weight of Brittany's shoulders. Fuck. Where had it gone wrong? Well, you know the answer to that, you opened your big mouth and spewed out nonsense, instead of letting your girlfriend feel supported and loved. Your one job.
Your inner turmoil and struggle with your relationship or lack of with the blonde was severely affecting your ability to be a competent leader in a vital week for your team.
"Okay, Santana" Mercedes calls the beginning of rehearsal to order, "Yesterday, after the initial story board meeting you said you would put together some transitions for the songs we had chosen. Are you ready to go through them?"
Right after the theme was announced two nights previously, before your blow up with Brittany, you had briefly discussed with Mercedes and Quinn your idea of combining two very different Top 40 songs, one from this generation and one from an earlier one. Your assumption was that every team would stick with current Top 40 songs, and you figured your could differentiate yourself by exploring multiple different Top 40 lists. The team decided to run with it and take a night and brainstorm songs they thought would mash well together, and you would try to come up with transitions for the two and see what stuck.
The song pairings you had to work with was Dani's suggestion of the Gorillaz Feel Good and Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer , Mercedes' suggestion of Dec 4th by Jay Z and Oh What a Night by Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons, and finally your suggestion of Elton John's Crocodile Rock and Mackelmore's Can't Hold Us.
You sit at the piano and half-heartedly go through the mediocre at best transitions and initial melodies you had worked on through late last night. You knew the team was counting on you to produce something worthwhile and win worthy, but your heart and mind were somewhere else. You finish with the final mash of your choosing and look up at your teammates. They all have sympathetic looks on their face, except for Dani who just looks really pissed. You know you didn't give them your best and you feel awful about it.
"Okay. Thanks, S. We know that's not easy" Quinn says motherly, "How about we take a 5, get some water, stretch our legs, and come back ready to vote on one of them."
The rest of the team mills out, which is hilarious because you had literally just started rehearsal and there was really no reason to start with a break except for the fact that you are about to lose it. You move to get up from the bench, but before you can even slide a leg out, Quinn and Mercedes slide in next to you and make the small bench feel even smaller.
You opt to speak first, "Just say it…that sucked."
Quinn and Mercedes share a look over your head before Quinn wraps an arm around your waist, "Well, maybe it wasn't your best effort, but that isn't what we want to talk to you about, S. It's more than that.
You were expecting this conversation. When you started dating Brittany, you made a promise to yourself and the group that you wouldn't let your relationship with the blonde come before the team or come in the way of the team's success, and right now you were doing both. You hung your head.
"You don't need to say anything" you say slowly "I am fucking everything up. I am letting my emotions completely distract myself from the competition at hand, which I promised I wouldn't. I can't treat my girlfriend right, I can't keep my teammates happy. Damn't." You slam your hands down on the keys in frustration.
Your friends flinch at the unexpected clash, but slowly come to your aid "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Satan, slow your roll. We aren't mad about the transitions. We all know that we are going to do Elton and Mackelmore. Your instinct is always right. In fact, I think Kitty is already working on opening choreo" Mercedes coos into your ear as she wraps her arm around your shoulder and pulls your body into hers. You instantly relax at the familiar touch. Quinns hand slides up and slowly runs itself through your hair. "We wanted to talk about what is going on. You were quiet all day yesterday. Even when you were in the house, which was seldom, you were locked in your room playing your keyboard."
"Clearly playing anything else but these transitions…" Quinn jokes trying to lighten the mood, you hit her softly with your hand.
"Seriously, S" Mercedes brings you back in "We are worried about you. What happened with Brittany?"
You frantically run your hands down your jean-covered thighs, just another one of your nervous habits. Quinn stills your hands with one of her own and slowly brushes her fingers over your knuckles, "Breathe, Santana. It's just us."
You take a deep breath and let everything pour out. All your big, real, scary feelings for and about Brittany. About when she isn't with you, a little piece of you leaves and how you feel this unbelievable tug in your heart, as if the two of you are tethered together. About how you can't let yourself think about the end of the competition because that inevitably means the end of Brittany everyday. You tell your friends about the meeting with the producers and how they let slip that the New Directions actually got the least amount of votes and should have been going home. You told them how you completely messed up sharing that with Brittany and how you offered to help but it came out like you were telling her she wasn't good enough.
After you unload on the two of them, there is a moment of silence before Mercedes speaks, "Well, it could be a lot worse. I just don't think she understood you. Emotions were probably high, and I bet deep down Brittany was feeling a little insecure about taking on being team captain for the first time this week. I bet you just caught her at a week moment."
"That's putting it really nicely" you reply quietly, "I was such a bitch."
"You need to talk to her, Santana. From what I can tell, Mercedes has a point" Quinn says softly, "Sure it wasn't your shiniest moment, but you were trying to show how much you care about Brittany. It just came out wrong. I am sure she is just feeling a bit overwhelmed and confused, but I am sure she misses you, just as much as you miss her. She is probably just trying to distract herself with all the work she has to do this week."
You nod your head, knowing your friends are right, but again, you want to talk to Brittany. She just clearly doesn't want to talk to you.
"How am I supposed to apologize if she won't see me?"
"They have to rehearse at some point, they have to come to rehearsal at some point and they have to leave rehearsal at some point. Stick around here long enough and you're bound to run into her." Mercedes responds, "Now the girls are going to come back in. I say let's nail down Crocodile Rock in it's entirety. S, you can play it for us right? Then tonight Dani and I can work on the blending with Can't Hold Us. S, do you want to sing or rap?"
"Maybe this isn't the best week for me to be a featured performer. Let Marley take lead on Crocodile Rock, she has the pitch and stamina for it, and Kitty can rap."
"Fuck that" all three pairs of eyes shoot up to see Dani, Kitty, Marley and Sugar who had just walked into the room, "We are all sick about arguing about this, Santana. You NEED to be featured for us to win. Now, we are sorry something is happening with Brittany, but don't put us at jeopardy because of that. Find it within you to perform, this is your calling."
"She's right, Santana. Sure I could probably handle the Mackelmore verse, but we all know that is your strong spot. I am sure it would kill Brittany to know that you aren't going to perform lead because of her." Kitty adds on.
"I will still sing Crocodile Rock!" Marley jumps in and the group laughs at the quiet girl.
"I am sorry, guys. You're totally right. I need to separate my personal life from my professional. I already know the Mackelmore verse so it won't be too hard. Now let's start making some trouble magic." You try your best flash a winning smile, but you know they all see through you.
Mercedes and Quinn leave the piano bench, and as quickly as they vacate your spot Sugar slides in. The younger girl leans her head on your shoulder before whispering in your ear, "You can't grow without discomfort. Whatever is going on between you and Britt will only make you stronger. You guys are meant to be, trust me." She plants a wet sloppy kiss on your cheek and then starts banging on the piano keys to lighten the mood. You shove her off the bench lightly.
You poise your hands on the keys and look up at the group, "Ready Marley?"
Brittany's POV
You walk back into your town house after an exhausting day of rehearsals and an even more exhausting day of ignoring your broken heart, well not broken but hurting heart. Your heart can't be broken right now, you and Santana are not broken up, right? You just hit a rough patch, but you were going to get over it. You just needed some space from the smaller girl. You know sometimes Santana can be gruff and grim, but she had never been gruff and grim with you. She had been kind and soft, and what she said really hit you. Hit you where it hurt. You have lived your whole life without people believing in your ability, and to have the person you love more than anyone else question your ability stung.
You take a quick shower to try to loosen up from a long day of dancing and directing and then flop down onto your bed. Your room is surprisingly silent. Tina, Mike, Finn and Rachel had gone on a double date to see a movie downtown. You and Santana were supposed to join them, but obviously that wasn't going to happen. All of a sudden, a vibrate underneath you jolts your bolt. You pull your phone out and see that a new message was flashing across your screen.
Sweet T3: Hi, baby. I just wanted to say goodnight. I love you, Bumble. So so so much. I hate not sleeping next to you, but I understand you need space. I just needed to text you one more time. Good luck in rehearsals and I guess I will see you on Tuesday. I love you. No bites. Xoxo.
Your heart clenches at your girlfriends words. This text obviously took her a while to compose. Usually, Santana texted you with such vigor and enthusiasm that her messages were filled with typos, line jumps and crazy phrasings confusing the message to an almost inscrutable point, but this text was very thought out, very calculated, as if she was wisely choosing her words to you, seeing as you asked her to give you some space until after this week was over. The text brings you back to the series of events before seeing Santana this afternoon.
Wednesday night brought fits of sleep, not only were you enraged at your girlfriend, but you also had trouble sleeping whenever strong, caramel arms were not locked around waist or Santana's fingers weren't linked in yours. Fitful sleep led you to spending far too long on iTunes and Ryan Seacrest's website listening to Top 40 songs repeatedly searching for the perfect pairing. You decided that if you were going to be emotionally distraught all week and get little sleep, then you would at least be productive.
When you found the perfect pairing the clock had just struck 4:30 AM. Before running through the house and walking your teammates for rehearsal, you take a deep breath. Decide to get a few hours of sleeping before waking up Artie and Puck, who are vital to the next step in your plan. After setting your alarm for 9 AM, and sending out a team text about New Directions rehearsals for the next week. 4:30 soon turns to 6 AM, and all you have done is rolled around and read old texts from Santana, while scrolling through an adorable photo burst of Santana in her reading glasses you had taken a few weeks prior. So, yeah, you were essentially torturing yourself.
Deciding 6 AM was too early to wake up anyone else in the house, you go for a quick run to calm your nerves, before waiting for the clock to hit 8 and getting Puck and Artie up and at 'em. You decide to enlist Puck and Artie to do the actual mashing of the songs you have chosen – Maroon 5's Sugar and Jason DeRulo's Want to Want Me. Puck and Artie were both in bands, both played guitar and bass, and most of all, both had a different taste in music than anyone else on the New Directions and you knew they would give you something different.
"Okay, boys, you two head out to the studio in the main house. I am going to assign other jobs. Meet for a late afternoon rehearsal. I booked dance room 4 at 5:30. We will probably only rehearse from about two hours tonight. I just want to introduce everyone to the actual flow of the song." Brittany is running through a mental check list, "Will that give you enough time to give us a rough copy of the mash?"
"We will do you one better, Blondie" Pucks eyes are lit with a fire you haven't seen all competition, "We will give you a finished mashed up. Abrams and I got this."
Puck all but sprints out of the room, before quickly dashing back in, "Knew I forgot something" he states as he runs over to one of the chest of drawers and pulls out a clean shirt and jeans. You and Artie can't help but share of look of well not surprise.
You are getting ready to leave and grab Tina and Sam to discuss vocals, but Artie's voice pulls you back into the boys room, "This is pretty incredible, Brittany. Your plan that is. It's well thought out, these songs are going to sound great together. You are prepared. You are taking this really seriously, this is what we have needed all along."
You smile down at your friend who is looking at you with such sincerity and warmth in his eyes. Artie pulls on his gloves before wheeling next to you, "I know you guys don't share competition details, but Santana would be really proud of you, B. This is serious stuff." He rubs your arms before rolling out to meet up with Puck. Your eyes clench when Artie out the room. Actually, Santana wouldn't be proud, she would be surprised. You shake your head as if physically clearing your mind of clutter and unneeded emotion before moving on to the singing portion of your plan. Must find Tina.
As you whip into the kitchen, you see Tina and Mike sharing breakfast at the table, "PERFECT. Asian persuasion just the couple I wanted to see. Tina you are in charge of vocals for this week, I have taken to shunning Rachel Berry, but I suppose if you want to enlist her help you can. We will be tackling a mash up of Sugar and Want to Want Me. I am thinking Artie takes on Sugar and maybe you on Want to Want Me, but again you are vocal captain, so it's ultimately your call." You finish all in one breath looking at Tina, "Mike, obviously you and I will be slaying the dance moves. I am thinking kind of a mo-town/soul vibe. A lot of hips, a lot of arms, a lot synchronicity. Any questions? Awesome!" You leave your two friends with their mouths hanging open.
The rest of the day was a whirlwind, between helping Mike with choreography, checking in on Puck and Artie, and keeping Finn out of the way. By the time rehearsal rolled around, all The New Directions, even Rachel were on board and pumped up to get to work. The short rehearsal went really well, and your body finally crashed when you got back to the townhouse for the first time all day. Your mind didn't have time to take over your thoughts, because your body was so exhausted. The next morning you wake up and push yourself all over again.
"All right, guys! Thank you all for working so hard today and yesterday. We will keep tinkering with the choreo. Mike, I don't think I like the transition from the second verse to the bridge." Mike nods his head and immediately jots something down in a notebook. "Luckily, it is only Friday and we are way ahead of where we thought we would be. By Monday night this thing will be killer! I know choreo days are grueling, but tomorrow is all vocals, so you're bodies will get a bit of a rest. Speaking of, Tina has some notes for lead vocalists, so take it away Tina." Brittany gestures to her friend to take front and center. You slink back into the fray letting Tina go over background music, while Artie and Rachel start learning their leads. Tina make the executive vocal decision that to keep Rachel at bay, they had to let Rachel solo and give her a little spotlight.
As you watch your teammates work together and actually collaborate, you can't help but let out a huge sigh of relief. This is what being a team is like, it takes a lot of different talents, a lot of different personalities, and a lot of hard work. Hell, it wasn't even over, but you knew this wasn't even close to being easy. Maybe right now it seemed like smooth sailing, but everything up to this sucked. Listening to pop music until your ears were close to bleeding, dealing with different personalities and making sure everyone felt included, and most of all staying calm. Santana was right, this was really freaking hard. Santana. Your stomach clenches thinking about the girl, really for the first real time today. Sure she is never actually out of your mind, but you forced her to back and focused on everything in front of you. Watching your team do so well, made you realize how wrong Santana was, sure this was hard, but you didn't need her help, you could do this. You could be a leader.
As The New Directions file out of the main house after rehearsal, you find something you were not expecting in the foyer. Sitting against the wall next to the door, with her head in her hands is a very fraught, very tired, very sad looking Santana. The rest of your team files out, and Santana doesn't even react to their presence, her head lolls to the side and you realize she is sleeping. The bags under her eyes are intense, her cuticles are over grown and her hair is a fray. It seems like your girlfriend has had a very long two days. Sam and Artie wait for you on the front step with a puzzled look in their eyes, you wave them on and crouch in front of the small girl.
You reach your hand out and brush the girl's hair out of her face, "Santana? Santana, baby?" You stroke down the girls face and put your hand on her shoulder, "Tana, wake up, love." The smaller girl begins to move and her head snaps up.
"Brittany! Brittany!" Chocolate eyes dart back and forth, and she sits straight up.
You can't help but giggle at the girl, "I am right here, Tana. You fell asleep. What are you doing here?" You realize you're still running your hand through her hair and quickly pull away remembering the situation.
Her eyes meet yours and there is a strong sadness behind them, "I was waiting for you. Brittany, " Santana flips onto her knees in front of you and grabs both your hands, "I am so, so, so sorry. I am such a fucking bitch. I never in my life ever want you to think I don't believe in you. I believe in every part of you. Every inch of you. I had no right trying to insert myself into your team's business. I was so over the line, that I couldn't see the line." A slight smile cracks over her face, "The line was a dot to me, baby."
Your face softens at your girlfriend's skillful use of a Friend's reference, which she knows if your favorite TV show. "Bumble, I was just so afraid of losing you. So, so afraid. I know the other day I was trying to be strong when you brought up your apprehensions about the competition tearing us apart inevitably, but to be honest I am terrified of not being with you everyday. I want to do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen, but I just lost site of that and then I got really bad word vomit. I am so sorry. Please, please forgive me, Bumble. I am literally begging you."
Your heart is fluttering and pounding at the same time. It is screaming at your to grab the girl by the face and pull her in for one of those screen shattering kisses. But your head cannot help but replay the conversation from two nights prior, where Santana questioned your ability. You were being pulled between emotion and logic and were struggling to figure out what you wanted to do. But looking down at this girl, and seeing her soft chocolate eyes, rimmed red and the bags under her eyes, you could tell how rough she was taking this and how awful she felt.
"Tana, it's not that I don't forgive you, because I do. " You stroke your thumbs over her knuckles, "but, what you said really hurt me. All my life I have been fighting against being inadequate and I just didn't expect you to be the one to question my ability."
She opens her mouth to respond, but you cover it with your hand, "Please, let me say this." She relaxes and lets you continue, "I know emotions were high and you say you didn't mean it, but there is always a grain of truth. You might not have meant all of it, but you meant a part of it, and that's really hard for me. But, I do forgive you. I hate being mad at you and hate thinking that we are in a bad place."
"Can I kiss you?" Santana asks so shyly.
"Of course you can kiss me, Tana."
Slowly, Santana leans up towards you and captures your lips in a small, soft kiss. It was weird how much you missed her lips in just two days.
"I've missed you so much, B." Santana reaches down and tangles her fingers with yours. "Let's go home." Santana gets up of the floor and goes to pull you with her.
"Wait, Tana, wait hold on" Santana stares down at your quizzically, "I forgive you, but I am still upset and mad at you. And, you were right, all this pressure and expectations of being team captain is a lot, and I really think it's best if I just focus on the team for the next few days. This is a big week, and I think we both just need to hit a reset button."
Santana eyes begin to water, "Are you asking for a break? Is this your way of breaking up with me?"
Your heart races and you have to remind yourself to breathe so you don't stumble over your words and lose this beautiful girl in front of you. You stand up and run your hands up and down her arms "No, Tana, no. Never. That's not what I want at all. I just think space for the next few days is what is best for both of us and our teams, we let our relationship interfere with the reason why we are here. We promised we wouldn't let that happen. We need to find our balance again." You see Santana's shoulders relax and she lets out a very deep breath.
"Okay, okay, okay. Um, that's okay. I can handle that." She begins to run her hands through her hair and fix her clothing. "So, I guess, um, well I guess I will just talk to you Tuesday night or whenever you're ready. Bye, Britt." Santana moves to leave but you reach out and grab her hand and pull her back into you, and envelop her in your arms.
"I love you, Sweet T. Please, don't think otherwise."
"Ditto." Santana pushes off your embrace and walks out.
Ditto. The word has haunted you since you got back to the townhouse. Now lying in her bed re-reading the text from your girlfriend you know that she does love you and that ditto was just her defense mechanism popping up. Your thoughts can't help but drift to Santana. Your sweet, kind girlfriend who you asked for space from after your first big fight. Did you maybe make a mistake? You groan and bring the heels of your hands to your eyes and groan. Why is this so hard?
AN2: See you soon!
An3: I am completely unbetaed, so all mistakes are mine, proudly so!
