Twelve Shots of Shuuya
By: Aviantei
A Kagerou Project Anthology
[Twelve Shots of Summer: Trinity Limit 8/12]
07. Fragile
Shintaro trudged into the kitchen just as Shuuya took a seat at the table. Shuuya broke eye contact first, flicking through the screens on his phone. He had really been hoping to avoid this, but Ayano, Momo, and Tsubomi were still getting ready upstairs and Kousuke had yet to return from work. Trying to ignore the pit of annoyance brewing under his gut, Shuuya opened up a rhythm game, hoping that blaring cutesy idol pop tunes would distract him long enough for someone else to show up.
Two songs later, out of life, and still nowhere close to the event reward, Shuuya locked his phone and glanced around the kitchen. Most of his family had gotten the memo to not make too much distracting noise while he was playing, but no one else was even there yet—just Shintaro, sitting on the other side of the table, glancing up from his own phone.
"Maki fan, huh?" Shintaro asked, and Shuuya just barely held back his grimace. Even now, being along with Shintaro made Shuuya nauseous, the same as when they had first met. "I never really expected you to play idol games, though."
"Just the one," Shuuya returned, trying to remain civil. Ayano had wanted to go out to dinner for the evening; they couldn't start being sour at each early. "I only picked it up a few months ago, so I still kinda suck. But I bet you've been playing it since it came out, right?"
"Yeah." Ah, lucky guess. Recovering from his hikiko-NEET status couldn't save Shintaro from being a full-out fanboy it seemed. "I heard they're updating the game soon to make it easier for newer players to catch up though, so you should have it easier soon."
"Hm." Shuuya plucked a stray piece of lint from his jacket; anything was more interesting when making eye contact with Shintaro was the alternative. They were both introverts, why couldn't they just have an awkward silence? Looking back up for a moment, Shintaro was still staring at him, looking only halfway to forming words. "Do you need something?"
Shintaro shrugged, slouching in his seat. "Not really," he said. "I just figured we don't talk much, but I really haven't had anyone around who actually plays, so…"
"What? You wanna trade friend codes or some junk?"
"Sure, why not." Shintaro reached for his phone again, unlocking the screen. "I have some good cards, so you should be able to get some good bonuses."
"Are you serious right now?"
Shintaro's hands stopped moving, but his eyes flicked up instantly. "Something wrong?" he asked. Shuuya attempted to grit his teeth to keep the words from coming out, but it didn't work.
"You're acting like nothing happened," Shuuya accused. "Like you think I'm okay with you being around." He dropped his hands to his lap, gripping onto his pant legs, waiting for something to be said, anything to justify himself. "Just because Onee-chan forgave you doesn't mean that I do!"
"I never assumed anything," Shintaro interrupted, and Shuuya hated him for being so calm, hated him for— "I was just trying. You didn't have to answer if you didn't want to." Shintaro shrugged, digging in his pocket and retrieving the white cord of headphones. "Just forget about it. Ayano just wants to have a nice dinner so don't ruin it."
"Oh, don't you make this sound like it's my fault! You're the one that—"
"I'm the one that what, exactly?"
"Are you guys okay?"
Shuuya bit his tongue to stop his answer, stepping back and nearly colliding with his chair. He didn't notice when he had stood up, but Shintaro was still sitting, if not straightened up from his previous slouch. Ayano was in the kitchen doorway, Tsubomi and Momo nervously flanking her sides. Shuuya turned away from them, barely registering the kitchen sink, even as he stared right at it.
"Shuuya, are you okay?" Ayano tugged at Shuuya's sleeve, and he flinched. "Shintaro, did you say something?"
Part of him felt some sort of satisfaction that Ayano sided with him—that some part of her favored him over Shintaro. No matter how much time had passed, that wasn't something that he could ignore, a feeling he couldn't erase.
"It's nothing important," Shintaro said, and Shuuya snorted. In his periphery, Shintaro frowned. "If I'm not wanted here, then I'll just go home. You and I can always go out some other time, Ayano." The chair scraped as Shintaro stood up, and Shuuya finally looked just so he could have the satisfaction of watching Shintaro walk out.
Ayano went to say something, but the words caught somewhere. Her face blanched, bordering on that expression that Shuuya had once said he would never let her have again, that pain and worry—
"Don't worry about it," Shuuya said, with far more bite than he should have let himself have. In the doorway, Tsubomi narrowed her eyes at him. "If it's that big of a bother, I won't go. You guys can have fun without me." He shrugged off Ayano's hand and elbowed his way past Tsubomi and Momo.
"Shuuya—"
"I really don't want anything to do with this, Onee-chan." He could hear her gasp, but made sure not to look back. He didn't want to see her look at him the same way she looked at Shintaro, with that same worry. "Just leave me alone."
"You can't keep doing this."
Shuuya's eyelids colored red as the light clicked on, and he rolled to face the wall, dragging his pillow over his head. The door clicked shut, but Kousuke's footsteps still treaded across the carpet, ending as he dropped down onto the edge of the bed. It didn't matter how much Shuuya could hope for his brother to give up and leave through silence; it just wasn't happening.
"I don't want to talk about him," Shuuya said, just barely loud enough to be heard. Even to his own ears, the words were muffled by the pillow. "I don't want to talk about what happened. Not about tonight, not about before. Not about—"
Not about how easy it was, not about how he had blamed Shintaro because it was simple, because it was easier than admitting his own inaction, It was just so, so, so much easier to—
"Is that feeling still there?" Kousuke asked. Based on his voice, he was still facing the opposite wall. "I've heard it from you before. It still hasn't left you." Shuuya's tongue clicked. If letting go of his emotions was as simple as escorting them out a door, he would have done it years ago. Kousuke waited several breaths before adding, "You do know you're going to have to tolerate him at some point, right? He and Onee-chan are dating, after all."
A sound close to a sob almost broke out of Shuuya's throat, but he managed to subdue it to a whine. Kousuke was just trying to be practical; he knew that. But it still wasn't something that Shuuya wanted to hear or to admit, that eventually Ayano would move on, that she would one day have bigger priorities than being his big sister.
Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, but he refused to make a sound. "Shuuya?" Kousuke said, probably looking over his shoulder. "Hey, I'm serious, if you want me to listen, then I can. I really don't mind."
"Don't," Shuuya choked out, hating the sound of his voice. "I really don't." Things were much easier when Kousuke would use his powers to find out things that couldn't be, didn't need to be said. "I can't do anything about it, so please, Kousuke, let's not…"
"Okay." Kousuke didn't say anything else, only stood and turned off the light. Shuuya expected him to leave, but the door didn't open. Instead, Kousuke settled onto the floor, his back pressing against the edge of the bed. Nothing else was said, but Shuuya couldn't help but breathe out a small chuckle.
The worst part of becoming more honest with himself was that he couldn't pretend the jealousy was a lie.
It was hardly even two weeks later when Shuuya found Shintaro again, waiting outside the school gates. Shuuya had planned to wait on Ayano to finish up her remedial lessons, but at this point it seemed like heading home was a much better idea. Even with the winter uniform back in session, the autumn winds had just enough bite to them to make Shuuya shiver. Really, it would be better to spend the afternoon studying for their next exam.
But Ayano wouldn't be alright if things kept up this way. Shuuya knew: he and Shintaro were very important to her, and she had never done well when others fought, especially not those close to her. Even when his, Kousuke, and Tsubomi's disagreements as kids had stressed her out. Like Kousuke had said, at some point Shuuya would have to suck it up and be civil.
Gulping down his breath, Shuuya strode up to the gate and leaned back on it, mirroring Shintaro's pose. All it earned him was a brief moment of eye contact, then Shintaro tugged out one of his earphones.
"I'm sorry," Shuuya said, the mask already in place before he could think better of it. A lie was a lie only so long as somebody knew it was false. He just needed to convince himself. "For before. I shouldn't have yelled like that." Shintaro looked mildly surprised. Shuuya took another breath but didn't let it show. "You and I…we've never started out on the right foot, have we?"
"Not really," Shintaro said. As far as he was concerned, they had met in the department store lockdown. Shuuya had probably seemed pretty suspicious then, but to him, he had known of Shintaro ever since Ayano had met him, had started about the classmate she admired and wanted to get closer to. Neither had been a good first impression. "Are you saying we start over?"
Shintaro was looking fully at him now. Shuuya knew his mask was perfect. "Not that." No matter how much he tried, they could never act like this was the first time. "But at the very least, I think we could try to move forward from here."
He offered his hand, covering up the grimace as Shintaro shook it.
If he pretended it was true, maybe it would become that way.
I can't even convince myself of this one, Shuuya reflected, once again stuck with Shintaro. Ayano had offered to help a classmate with their shrine's Shichigosan crowds, but had left her purse at the Kisaragi house as she rushed out the door. Being the only one with free time, Shuuya had volunteered to run pick up.
Well, too late now.
Mask secure, Shuuya put on his best smile. "Heya," he said, tossing up a wave. Really, this would have been easier if Momo had answered the door. "Did Onee-chan mention I was coming?"
"Yeah." Shintaro held Ayano's purse, and Shuuya grabbed the handle, only to have Shintaro keep his hold. "You're acting weird. If you don't like me, you can just say it."
"I don't know what you're talking about." If Shintaro would just let go, Shuuya could get on with his Sunday. "You're going to make Onee-chan sad if you say things like that."
Shintaro snorted so softly Shuuya wasn't sure he had actually heard it. "You're the one that's going to make her sad," Shintaro stated, maintaining eye contact. Really, he was resilient at the worst times. "She thinks you're getting better. But this isn't the first time you've used your eyes on me. I can tell the difference. So just knock it off."
The truth of the statement was enough for Shuuya to dig his nails into his palms, breaking his illusion. If he was just going to get called out, what was the point of the façade? "Does it bother you that much?" he asked, spreading his palms out. "I don't get what you're acting all high and mighty for. I'm just doing this for Onee-chan; it doesn't concern you."
"Are you even hearing yourself?" Shintaro scowled. "You're messing with me to make her happy and it's not my problem? Does that really make sense to you?"
"It shouldn't be a problem if you care for her as much as you say." Shuuya tapped a finger to his chin, snapping in mock realization. "Oh! That's right. I forgot that you might be out of practice. Back then, you wouldn't even look at her; completely ignored her. But she still thought you were so great." He chuckled. "When I was in her place then, you didn't even notice at all, just thought everything was fine while Onee-chan was worrying herself sick over keeping everyone safe—"
"Oh, that was you then? No wonder." Shintaro's tone dropped farther from his usual lazy register, and Shuuya had to resist the urge to head for the door. Ayano would be disappointed, so he at least needed the purse, if nothing else. "Has this been your problem the whole time? That you thought I didn't care? That I didn't feel guilty? That she didn't haunt me the way she haunted you?"
"What do you even know? You think just because you remember everything that means you saw everything? Well you didn't! You couldn't do a damn thing to save her!"
And neither could I, I was right there and I completely missed—
"That's what I mean," Shintaro said, and for a moment, Shuuya could see traces of himself looking at him, the expressions he had practiced to erase in the mirror. "No matter what time it was, no matter what loop, I could never find a way to save her. So that's why I'm doing what I can now to make up for it." Shintaro paused, waiting for a response, but Shuuya couldn't even think, let alone form words. "Did you know, that you've lashed out at me before?
"You have that potential but I don't want to believe that's all we're ever going to amount to. There aren't repeats on this anymore. You need to recognize that, too." Shuuya's phone vibrated in his pocket, but he didn't move. Shintaro pulled out his own, glancing at the screen before looking back up and offering out the purse. "Ayano's getting worried. You should get going."
This time Shintaro let go when Shuuya took the purse, and no one stopped him from escaping, either.
[NOTES] I caved and wrote angst for this one. Lots of angst. Originally I was going to have this led to a happy ending...but I couldn't think of one without the whole thing seeming contrived. Really, this just seemed the more natural route to take.
Thanks to Heinah and Chronic Guardian for the favorite and reviews! Somehow I still receive such amazing support week after week and it fills my heart with determination.
Anyway, the prompts this time were "Escape" and "The Distance Between," which I think were both pretty self-explanatory in how they made their way into the piece. They just lined up so well with the fact that this was Shintaro's entry that I don't think I'll get another perfect match like this again.
That being said, go check out the [Twelve Shots of Summer] folks for (probably) much lighter pieces than this! There's all sorts of stuff out there, and a couple of folks are giving it their all and are worth keeping an eye on! Even though the summer's two-thirds over, that doesn't make it the end. There's plenty more to come, and maybe you might consider contributing a bit? :3
Next week is "The First Experience." "The You I Knew," optional En Medias Res, Winter, and Hibiya! A strange combination, but I should be able to get something out of it, even if things are kinda small. Look forward to more on-time posts the rest of summer!
[POST] 072316
[EDIT] 072716
