Disclaimer: CC owns 'em. Title is from a song with the same name (Don't threaten me with a good time) by Panic! At The Disco.

A/N: So, HAPPY MALEC WEEK, GUYS! As said in the summary of this collection of oneshots, this is a collection is oneshots. All Malec, obviously :p I have taken prompts from a few friends of mine for some of these oneshots too.

So this one is MALEC CANNON – BASED IN THE TMI SHADOW-WORLD. SHADOWHUNTER/WARLOCK, OF COURSE. M RATED. DON'T LIKE SMUT, DON'T READ. BUT STAY TUNED FOR THE OTHER ONESHOTS THROUGHOUT THE WEEK BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ALL SMUTTY :)

Also, THIS ONESHOT WAS A PROMPT, FROM A FRIEND OF MINE, Miss Tonia the Awesome (twitter fuzzyton). The last oneshot was also her prompt but was only T rated and she loves a bit of smut, so here it girl… Your Drunk! Fic, full of lovely, hot smut ;) SOME OTHER ONES ARE PROMPTS TOO, I'LL WRITE WHO FROM IN THE SUMMARIES AS AND WHEN I GET TO THEM! :)

The prompt was: Drunk fic. Lots of smut. Basically it, but endless possibility-wise ;)

Alright, here we go, Malec Week 2016 – Day 4! Btw, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO LIVE-TWEET AS YOU READ USING THE HASHTAG #MALECWEEK2016 AND TAG ME ArtemisFAYZ394 :)

….

Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time

Jace was mad at Alec. His parabatai had stood him up for training again. That was the third time this week. And when he went to wake Alec up, he was greeted by a room covered in ripped clothes and smelling of sex. Magnus was staying over again. Which meant no parabatai training again.

This would not stand. Jace was going to have to do something about it.

...OoOoO….

Alec buckled over his own feet, only just managing to stay upright. The street wobbled as he walked, his legs shaking and heavy with each step. He saw a cat on the side of the road and started yelling out, slurred and unreasonably loud for 2am.

"CHAIRRRRMAAAAAN! CHAIRMANNNN MEEEEEOW! CHAIRMAN! WHERE IS MAGNUUUUS? CHAIRMAN COME BACK! MAGNUS! MAGNUS! I'LL GO TO MAGNUS! HE'LL MAKE YOU COME HOOOOME!"

Alec giggled as he swung around in the opposite direction, heading for what he hoped was Greenpoint Avenue. The cat, who was big, black and sleek; clearly not Chairman Meow, turned and walked away from the drunk boy.

Alec blamed Jace for his current state. He had been 'ignoring and dishonouring' his parabatai and Jace was not amused. So he threatened Alec with alcohol. He said he would spike Alec's drink next time he saw Magnus and reveal what drunk-Alec was like to his boyfriend. Needless to say, that scared Alec very much.

But in a bid to prove Jace wrong, to prove that drunk-Alec was still controlled, level-headed, good boy Alec, said boy had decided to go out drinking.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Tomorrow morning, however, he would pay most dearly for it.

But for now, he staggered towards the one place sober-Alec had dreaded drunk-Alec ever going to.

Magnus' apartment.

He swung through the door after majorly fumbling with the key, wobbling precariously as he ascended the stairs. With no regard to Magnus, he burst into the apartment, grinning as he slammed the door and spun around with his arms spread.

"HONEY, I'M HOOOOME!"

He staggered into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of Magnus' scotch, drinking right out of it.

"MAGNUS!"

He called, yelling for his man, as he hit on the stereo, grinning as a song played from the middle and he started to dance, singing at the top of his lungs.

"STACY'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON! SHE'S ALL I WANT AND I WAITED FOR SO LONG! STACY CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE JUST NOT THE GIRL FOR ME! I KNOW IT MIGHT BE WRONG BUT-"

"ALEC!"

The music cut off and the bottle was snatched from Alec's hands within seconds.

"What the hell, Alec? What's wrong with you? Are you drunk?!"

Magnus asked in shock. Alec was the most responsible Shadowhunter he knew, he would never do something like this.

But judging by the way Alec was dancing to no music, stripping his clothes off and giggling to himself as he almost fell over the real Chairman Meow, there was no other explanation.

Magnus laughed to himself, committing this to memory. He knew Alec never wanted him to see him drunk; now he knew why.

"Magnus!"

Alec cried, as if only just noticing him. He ran to him across the room and threw his arms around Magnus' neck.

"I love you! I came here to tell you that. That i love you so so so much! You're so hot i get hard whenever i think about you. I dream about you every night. I love you and your glitter and your eyes and your cat."

Magnus listened to him with an amused smile, watching the emotions flit over Alec's usually so controlled features.

"I don't like the fact you're wearing clothes though."

Alec muttered as he tore the buttons of Magnus' silk pyjama shirt.

"Did you know that Hitler only had one testicle?"

Alec blurted out, letting go of Magnus' shirt and spinning around as he mooched through Magnus' living room.

Magnus nodded slowly, knowing that the Shadowhunters of the New York Institute and a few others were taught about mundane history. So Alec knew who Hitler was. And he was right about the testicle.

"Alec? Do you maybe want to lie down?"

Alec giggled.

"Only if you lie down with me."

He winked and sashayed past Magnus, strolling like a king into his bedroom. Magnus laughed in bewilderment, loving every second of this once in a lifetime opportunity. It was just too good.

He entered his bedroom to find Alec sprawled on the bed, wearing nothing but his black boxers. Magnus' mouth watered just a little at the sight as he sat down beside his drunk baby.

"You doing ok?"

He asked as Alec complained of a headache. Running his hands through Alec's hair, Magnus set about healing the boy up.

Just as he was about to pull away, Alec moaned. Not a pained moan or a tired moan or a sick moan. A sexy moan, low and rough.

Magnus ran his hand through Alec's hair again, stopping to scratch at his hairline on his neck. Alec moaned again.

"I love it when you do that."

He whispered softly, his breath coming out in little puffs of whiskey tinted breath.

"I love it when he pull my hair or scratch me, when you do both, it kills me."

He divulged unashamedly, already beginning to writhe on the cool satin sheets.

Magnus bit his lip. He couldn't possible take advantage of Alec's current state and get every dirty little secret out of him could he?

Could he?

With a wicked smirk, he leaned down to whisper in Alec's ear.

"What else do you like, baby?"

Alec panted softly, his hips rolling up against nothing as he sprawled his arms out, hooking one over his eyes as his teeth sunk into his lower lip.

"That. I love it when you call me baby. It's so hot. It's like I'm your little boy and you're in charge of me. God, when you take charge... You're so fucking sexy."

Alec's words were moaned and slurred but coherent and truthful. Magnus had always believed that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. And damn, did he like Alec's thoughts.

He was getting hard at Alec's words, at the sight of his taut, sweaty body blissed out and begging for a fuck. He wanted more. He needed to know everything.

"Alec, baby, do you prefer top or bottom?"

Alec whined and bucked his hips into the air, a substantial sized package forming in his boxers.

"Bottom. I can't get enough of your dick inside me. I would let you fuck me whenever you want. Say the word and I'm yours as long as you're inside me."

Magnus bit his lip to stifle his groan as he grew to full hardness. He loved Alec on bottom too. There was something just so perfect about seeing the good soldier boy lose control and come undone.

"Noted... What's your favourite position?"

Alec gasped and his arm fell away from his eyes as he stared at Magnus with a lustful darkness taking over them both.

"I like to be on top of you. Sitting over your hips while you fuck me. Feels so good..."

He moaned loudly, the words resonating through the room with the deeper baritone of his lustful voice. Magnus could watch this all day, Alec laying there, burning and sweaty, his muscles tight as he tensed and begged with his body for release.

Magnus smirked, casting his eyes over Alec's desperate state, grinning when his eyes zoned in on the wet spot forming on Alec's boxers.

"Hey, baby? Do you ever... touch yourself when I'm not around?"

He asked casually, leaning back on his elbows and watching Alec throw heavy lidded eyes. Alec growled gutturally, the sound shooting straight to Magnus' dick, making his blood rush fast and hot.

"I dream about you most nights. I've cum in my sleep because of you. But on the nights i don't dream about you but i need you, i think of you. I touch myself like you touch me, but it's not as good. I think of your eyes and how they always go black right when you're about to fuck me. And that smirk. You know i can cum just by seeing it right? Having you all over me, even if it's just in my head is enough to make me scream."

Alec was actively moving now, one hand fisted in the bed sheets, the other sliding down his chest, playing with his nipples and tracing his abs, just the way Magnus likes to.

"Alec... Darling, will you do it now? I want to see you."

Alec's eyes locked on Magnus' and the man finally realised why Alec never wanted him to see him drunk.

Not only was the boy a giggly, burst-into-song, truth-telling drunk, but he was also a horny drunk. A desperate, wanton mess of lust.

Alec never liked giving up control and letting himself go in the bedroom, he was always so shy. But once alcohol got into his system, he was no longer a blushing virgin. He was begging for it.

"Ok. For you, Mags."

Magnus' heart skipped at the nickname, as it always did when Alec referred to him with terms of endearment. He'd spent so long with Alec denying their relationship, but it was worth it when he heard Alec say thing like that.

"Come here."

Alec said softly, reaching out to Magnus, who looked at him in confusion, waiting for his private show to start.

"I want to taste you first. Kiss me, Magnus."

Magnus caved immediately. He pretended to be cool and aloof, but truthfully, Alec had him whipped, wrapped around his little finger.

He leaned down and pecked Alec on the lips, smiling as his boy moaned deeply, closing his eyes. While Magnus pulled away, Alec's moans continued, as he pushed his boxers off of his long, defined legs.

Alec succumbed to sensation, letting his alcohol-induced high warp his rationality as he gave in to pleasure, showing Magnus the deepest desires and most intimate actions they could share. Alec found himself wondering, as he fisted himself, gasping and panting in the low light of the moon under Magnus' burning gaze of love, why Jace thought Alec getting drunk would be threat. Why would telling Magnus what kind of drunk he was be a bad thing?

Because the way Alec saw it, this, this intimacy, the sharing of vulnerability, the way Magnus' eyes didn't leave his body, the way fisted his hands tightly in the sheets, desperate to touch Alec himself as the boy worked himself to thought of his man, was perfection. If being drunk with Magnus led to nights like this, of pleasure and love, then it really wasn't a threat at all.

Magnus watched as Alec's sizeable manhood slid in and out of his grasp, the boy twisting and arching his back in euphoria with every touch. He stared in rapture at those bright blue eyes, darkened by primal lust and longing, locking on Magnus' as his teeth sunk into his full lower lip, biting back a loud groan of bliss. Magnus' boxers had become far too tight as he drank in the sight of Alec and he quickly discarded of them. He knew he should take advantage like this, but when Alec was more than willing to show himself off, it was bound to happen.

"Magnus!"

Alec suddenly cried, unable to hold himself back anymore. He was bucking wildly into his fist, his other hand reaching down behind him and Magnus' gaze locked on his fingers as they sank inside of him slowly, a sharp hiss escaping Alec's lips at the tantalising intrusion.

Alec started panting, grinding onto himself, begging as he started to sweat more, and his musky scent filling the air.

"Oh god, oh Magnus. Oh! I- oh god... By the angel! Fuck. Magnus... You feel so good inside me. Fucking hell. It makes me so hot when you tease me, you know, when you never quite touch right there and just sit back with that bloody smirk on your face as i beg for you."

Cue Magnus' infamous smirk.

Alec saw it and gasped his name loudly, the walls doing nothing to mask the sound so Magnus' neighbours wouldn't be very happy. But Magnus was beyond happy. This was the greatest show on earth and he had a front row seat.

"Magnus! I need you. You've seen enough of me by myself. Please... Touch me, Mags."

Alec pleaded, thrusting his hips towards Magnus in a messy motion, his usual Shadowhunter balance gone due to his sex-high and alcohol levels. Not that Magnus was complaining.

Magnus desperately wanted to watch Alec cum just from thinking about him, but he couldn't turn down an offer to actually touch the angel.

He surged forwards, slamming their lips together with wanton abandon, moaning into the kiss from deep within. Alec's arms and legs wrapped around him and he felt the heavy weight of Alec's weeping hard cock pressed tight against his hip. He ground down against the boy, revelling in victory of the scream Alec emitted, gasping as the boys nails dug into his back, clawing hard as he begged with no words; his body told Magnus enough.

Alec had stretched himself enough during his little performance, giving Magnus the perfect space to simply slip inside once he lubed himself up. Alec's eyes rolled back in his head as Magnus filled him, stretching him to fit his huge dick inside, the pain excruciating in all the right ways. Once Magnus was inside, Alec knew he wouldn't last long. Between Magnus and the alcohol in his system, his senses were heightened and every sensation sent waves of absolute pleasure rocketing through him like tidal waves. All he could do was hold on as Magnus heeded his earlier words and flipped them over so Alec sat on him, straddling his waist. The warlock bucked his hips up into his lovers and the boy cried out, throwing his head back as he started to ride. Up and down, up and down; the heat and warmth surrounding Magnus was exquisite, he was sure this beautiful night would be over far too soon.

Alec was bouncing on him, taking in everything, running his hands all over Magnus like he was an ancient artefact, something precious and rare and beautiful.

Their movements turned messy and fell out of rhythm abruptly when Alec started pumping himself fast. Magnus watched, his hormones going into overload at the sight of Alec touching himself and his own dick being swallowed by Alec's willing body.

"Alec... Baby. Come here. Please Al-ah-ec! Alexander..."

Magnus gasped between panted breaths and dirty moans.

Alec got the hint and leaned down, simply grinding Magnus against his prostate as his arms slid over Magnus' head and their hands clasped together on the defiled satin sheets. He leant forwards to place a light kiss on Magnus' lips, sharing the sweet and bitter taste of alcohol and sweat between them. The kiss was languid and fluid, sensual, just taking their time as Alec started to shake on top of Magnus. He started panting against Magnus' lips, his walls contracting around Magnus, his hands gripping Magnus' harder and slamming their lips together hard as he clenched down around Magnus and released all the tension, the fear, the doubt and the love in one glorious moment of pure, unadulterated bliss.

He screamed into Magnus' ear, burying his face in Magnus' neck as he came with a hoarse cry that spurred Magnus to an early finish seconds later. He wrapped his arms tight around Alec as they rode out the high, shaking and gasping for breath in the darkness.

Then Alec slipped off of Magnus and rolled over, curling up against him with his head resting over Magnus' beating heart.

"I'm sorry i woke you up."

He whispered softly, drawing patterns over Magnus' chest once the warlock had magically cleaned them up.

He chuckled and kissed Alec's head fondly.

"You know what, i think I'll let that go. You did make up for it pretty well."

Alec blushed and giggled, curling around Magnus' side tighter.

So Alec was also a cuddly drunk. Magnus stored that away for a later date. Along with everything he had learned this eventful night.

"You know, Jace said he was going to tell you what I'm like when i drink. He said me getting drunk around you would be my worst nightmare. Which i thought it was. But... Now I'm not so sure."

Magnus smirked as Alec looked up with him with his sexy half-smile.

"Well, i have to agree with you there. Although you're gonna regret the drinking in the morning."

Alec groaned and kissed Magnus' shoulder.

"Can't you magic the hangover away?"

Magnus grinned, running a finger up and down Alec's spine.

"I could. For the right price."

"Name it."

"You."

Alec agreed to the deal without a second thought, knowing that it would be worth it. As it turned out, drunk Alec was amazing and their experience only made things so much better for them. And Magnus even saved Alec's memories of the night so he wouldn't endure alcohol-induced amnesia.

In the morning, Alec went back to the institute, whistling off-key and grinning. He told Jace he had been drinking and then went to Magnus'. His parabatai gaped at him and Alec winked and smirked, conveying the meaning of his words by the glimmer in his eyes.

"Maybe next time you want to scare me, don't threaten me with a good time."

Jace stared after him in confusion, then once the realisation hit him, he retched loudly, yelling after his parabatai.

"Damn it, Alec! I so didn't need that image in my head!"

...OoOoO….

A/N: So? Let me know what you think via reviews/faves/follows or on twitter :) Stay tuned for tomorrows oneshot! I've got them all written, I just need to pick which one will go up next. I'll surprise you!

Love ya, and HAPPY MALEC WEEK!