Hey everybody..
Thank you all so much for the love that you have given this story. Really, without ur love, I wouldn't have been motivated to write this at all :)
Special hugs to: Caliee, Kelly, Hillary, Coffebean, Guest1, Ally, Caprice, Barb, Margarete1 and other Guest reviewers. You guys are the bestest :)
...
Peter hugged El a little more tightly one more time before letting her go. El once again sank into Neal's bed and grabbed his jacket. Peter's heart was breaking to see his wife like this, but what was making it more painful was the fact that he was the whole and sole reason behind it.
He quickly started to dial his fellow agent Diana Berrigan but once more he was interrupted by El's excited and anxious voice.
"Peter!"
Peter's fingers hovered over Diana's name as he looked at his wife. "What? What is it, hon?"
El quickly got up and clutched Peter's free hand with her one hand while the other still had Neal's jacket and started talking excitedly, "I know! I know where our kid would be right now." She paused but then added quickly, "that is if he hasn't left the place already."
"What?" Peter asked, blinking slowly.
"Yes, honey." El's eyes sparkled with eagerness. "I know where he is. Come on, let's go." She turned away from Peter and started walking towards the door when Peter called her out.
"But..but how would you know where Neal is, El?" He still couldn't grasp at what El was suggesting.
"Just trust me, hon. Come on." El turned around and answered impatiently.
"Okay..." Peter said after a few seconds pause. He quickly strode over to his wife who had already exited the Winter Wonderland.
El rushed her way towards the back door in the kitchen while Peter followed her with curiosity. He was still not understanding as to how El could know where the hell did Neal go this time.
"El.." He started to ask once more but El cut him off.
"Come on, Peter. Don't waste anymore time." She was out the Burke house and soon Peter followed.
"Um.. Why take this exit, El? Why not the front door?" Peter couldn't help but ask. There was slight exasperation in his voice. It would be great help if El wasn't being this cryptic.
"He is right there, Peter." El said instead of replying to her husband.
"Where?" Peter asked, looking out in all the direction. He couldn't see Neal anywhere.
"Right there, Peter. Behind that tree." El replied. Her heart was beating fast. All she wanted was to reach her son before he ran away from them.
It was dark so Peter had to really squint to look across the road. His heart soared when he could make out a figure of somebody sitting behind the tree and Peter's heart was telling him that it was definitely Neal.
"Yes.. El. I think it's him too."
El nodded and both of them quickly ran across the road. Upon nearing the tree they decreased their speed. They didn't really want to scare Neal.
Slowly they approached the hunched figure of their son. Neal's eyes were closed and he was not moving. El and Peter's heart broke at the sight of their sleeping son. El's hand flew over to her mouth as her eyes filled with tears as she continued to stare at her son.
Whatever anger towards Peter that had quelled in her when she had suddenly realized where Neal would be, was slowly returning. Just because of Peter and his behavior, their son was suffering.
Peter wasn't doing well either. His guilt had returned with full force. If only I had listened to him. He thought bitterly.
The couple took their eyes off their son and looked at each other. Peter nodded slightly and crouched down to Neal's level and shook his shoulder gently while El stood there waiting for Neal to wake up so that they could take their son home.
Neal shifted slightly but kept sleeping. Peter frowned and he titled his face upwards to El.
"Maybe, it's the sedatives, Peter. Try again." El said anxiously.
Peter nodded and shook Neal's shoulder once more and this time a little more harder. Same result. Neal shifted again but continued sleeping.
"El.."
"Carry him. He's in a very deep sleep. He needs to be in his Winter Wonderland. Not here." El replied. She didn't want to waste another second. She just wanted her son home.
"You sure, El? I mean.. He's not going to be happy." Peter stared at Neal. The kid was heart broken right now. That's why he had run away. What would he think if he woke up back in Burke house.
"Peter, just please carry him and take him home." El ordered.
Peter nodded slowly and gently carried Neal into his arms in a bridal style. He was extra careful with Neal's arm that was in the sling. Neal snuggled closer into Peter's chest and mumbled something inaudible and remained asleep. As Peter stared at the precious bundle in his arms, his heart thudded loudly. How could he ever hurt this kid. How could he be so cruel to him.
Overwhelmed by strong emotions, Peter closed his eyes, leaned in and kissed Neal's forehead. He opened his eyes and avoided looking at El whose gaze was fixed on him. Letting out a small puff of air he started to walk across the street. And that's when Neal stirred and before Peter knew sleepy, confused eyes were staring at him.
"Dad?"
Peter's heart fluttered even as he stiffened. He hadn't realized how much Neal calling him Dad meant to him up until this moment even though it wasn't a long time ago thst Neal had stopped calling him Dad. The memory from the scene at the warehouse flashed cruelly in his mind. His own harsh words screaming at him,
"Don't. Don't you dare call me that."
His breath hitched. How could he have told Neal not to call him Dad. No. Don't think about it! He forced himself to focus on the current situation. Neal was still gazing at him sleepily with a confused frown on his face.
Peter tried to speak to him but the words just seemed to be stuck in his throat. Mercifully El who was standing next to them spoke,
"Neal, honey..we are taking you home." El's voice was filled with warmth but it instantly filled Neal's entire body with dread and his sleep addled mind was awake. Even the sedatives coursing through his system couldn't curb the panic inside him.
His eyes were so dramatically wide that if the situation wasn't so tense then Peter would be laughing right now. But the situation was tense and Neal's panic affected Peter too and he himself was panicking a little.
Neal squirmed uncomfortably in Peter's arms. Desperately trying to free himself from Peter's hold.
"D..Peter."
Peter's heart broke. He was really hating it when Neal called him Peter.
"Please put me down." Neal's voice was cold. Devoid of any emotion. Peter looked at El for help. He really didn't want to give in to Neal's demand.
El nodded and spoke to Neal, "Sweetie, you are tired. Why don't we take you home. We can then talk."
Neal closed his eyes. He shouldn't have rested under the tree. But he was beyond exhausted and his injured leg was paining so he had decided to rest for a while. Yes, that was the only reason, Neal thought trying to convince himself. But deep down if he was true to himself then he actually never wanted to leave. He wanted to go back to his Winter Wonderland. He wanted to go back to his parents.
His heart was aching with intense longing at the time. His legs weren't responding to his brains either. So he had decided to stay a little more longer. And then he had spotted the tree. It brought so many memories. He had limped his way to the tree trying to find some solace there. Before he knew he had shut his eyes and was asleep.
But now he was seriously regretting this decision of his. He should have left. The Burkes wouldn't have found him. He was actually surprised that they had found him in the first place. He hadn't imagined them looking out for him so soon.
No. Who was he kidding to. Of course they were going to search him as soon as they realized that was missing. He suddenly snapped back to the present when he heard El calling him worriedly.
"Neal, honey?"
He didn't turn to look at her. "Please put me down." He repeated when he realised that Peter was still carrying him.
When Peter still didn't make any move to set him down and kept looking at him with tenderness. No, not tenderness. With pity. At least that's what Neal thought, Neal let out a frustrated sigh and started to free himself on his own.
"Wait, kiddo." Peter said startling as Neal continued to struggle. "You will hurt yourself." Jostling his injured arm wasn't going to do good to the kid.
"Then why don't you just put me down." Neal bit back in irritation.
Peter sighed and nodded. "Okay, alright."
He gently put Neal down. "There you go, kiddo." He smiled to ease some of the tension.
Neal didn't return the smile though and started walking away from Peter but was stopped by El.
"Neal, sweetie. Please don't leave." Her voice was so warm and heavy with emotion that it intensified the ache in Neal's heart.
"El, please." Neal pleaded. He just wanted to go away from the Burkes. He didn't want to hear them say how much of a disappointment he was.
"Look, Neal, just come home, please." Peter pleaded in return. Neal avoided Peter's eyes and remained still. Peter looked at El helplessly, silently asking her to do something, anything to get Neal home.
El nodded and grabbed Neal's hand in hers. Neal stared at the hands and a pleasant warmth surged in his body. El smiled and spoke softly, "Neal, baby, why don't you just come home with us.."
"El..I" Neal cut her off but squeezed his hand gently and continued,
"Just listen to me, okay, sweetie." She urged on.
Neal nodded. How could he not. How could he even say no to El.
"Sweetie, just come with inside and give us a chance."
Neal's eyes pricked. He wanted to say no. He should say no. He didn't think that he could handle talking to El and Peter. He knew what they were going to tell him. It was the reason that he had left in the first place. They were going to tell him how much disappointed they were with him.
El looked at Peter who shook his head in defeat. He was completely at loss as to how to get Neal home. El turned back to Neal and called out, "Neal?"
After another few seconds of silence, Neal finally replied. "Okay." He nodded.
"Thank you, honey." El squeezed Neal's hand before letting it go.
Neal started to walk away from them and that's when Peter and El realized that he was limping.
"Neal.." Peter's voice was filled with compassion. It made Neal involuntarily flinch. He wasn't expecting Peter to be compassionate to him.
Peter paled. He didn't think his voice could ever have such an effect on Neal. He closed his eyes as once again he was hit by immense guilt. Not that it had left him ever.
"Neal, you are hurt."
Neal scoffed. Where was this compassion when they were at the warehouse. He turned around to face Peter. Angry blue eyes locking in with warm brown ones.
"That is none of your concern, Peter."
Peter gaped at Neal and at his harsh words. Before he could answer though, El came to the rescue. She stepped beside Neal and said, "It's okay, honey. Let's go." She put her arm around Neal's waist. Neal stiffened but then relaxed.
"Okay, M..El."
El's heart broke. Neal stopped himself from calling her Mom. It was killing her but she didn't say anything because she knew that they had to seek his forgiveness first. He had start trusting them again before he would go back to calling her mom.
Silently the trio headed home. Upon entering they straight away went into the living room. El sat Neal down on to the couch. She smiled kindly at him and he couldn't help but return the smile.
"I will go get some hot chocolate. I'm sure that you are starved." She said and almost ran into the kitchen before Neal could protest.
Neal sat there on the couch with his eyes lowered and fixed on the carpet. It felt so strange to be back like this. It was really fascinating that up until this evening this was his home. And now he just wasn't sure.
Suddenly a shadow fell in line of his vision and even without looking Neal knew that it was Peter. He gulped.
'This is it.' He thought bitterly. This is where Peter will tell him that he was no longer needed in their lives. He waited for those harsh cruel words. He was now prepared for them. He just wanted to get over with it. But then those heart clenching words never came.
Instead Peter just knelt down on the floor next to him. Neal heard a soft click. His eyes shifted towards the sound and was surprised to see that it was the first aid kit. His eyes then went to Peter who was- smiling? Yes, smiling.
"Let's get this leg of yours sorted, huh." Peter said, keeping his voice as normal as he could.
Neal bit his lip and remained silent. Peter started working on his injured leg without waiting for any reply from him. Neal just stared at him trying to decipher the real reason for Peter's sudden kindness.
Neal's eyes watered as Peter worked with such care. His mind wandered into the past when Peter had always taken care of his injuries. Peter was always kind, Neal knew that. But after the warehouse incident, Neal's heart wasn't allowing it to believe that anymore. He really didn't want to end up hurt again.
After Neal's leg was cleaned and wrapped Peter closed the first aid kit. He patted Neal's leg gently and said, "All done." The smile never left his face and Neal turned away.
Peter's heart was breaking but he just got up and went to sit beside Neal. Neal tensed for a moment but then relaxed when Peter sat down keeping a good distance between them.
They sat there in an awkward silence. The silence stretched on and Peter knew that he had to start talking. Had to start apologizing but words just couldn't come out of his mouth. He was never good at emotions and stuff like that. Maybe that's why I said those cruel words to him. He thought unconsciously. He tried to open his mouth a few times but then shut it quickly. God, how was he going to make things right this way. He wondered.
Neal on the other hand wasn't doing good either. He just wanted to run away from the entire thing. The silence was suffocating him. He rubbed his forehead with his free hand and adjusted his sling. He then leaned his head back and rested it on the arm of the couch. He was really tired. He just wanted to get over with everything and go back to sleep.
The silence continued and Neal began to feel lightheaded and drowsy. He felt his eyes drooping shut. He was almost asleep when El's voice floated into his ears.
"Neal..sweetie." She said. "Here." She lifted one of the mugs of hot chocolate and handed it to Neal who took it with a smile of his own even though it was a tired one. "This will help you with the fatigue." She continued.
Neal brought the mug to his lips and took a long sip from it, the warm liquid doing wonders to his tired body and mind.
El offered one mug to Peter who took it grateful for the much needed distraction from the horrible silence that was stretched between him and Neal. She then grabbed her own mug and got settled on the chair besides the couch.
The trio silently drowned their drinks. El and Peter had kept glancing at each other the entire time. El kept gesturing Peter to start apologising to Neal and Peter nodded awkwardly. Neal on the other hand kept his concentration on the hot chocolate but he could clearly feel the silent gestures from El and Peter. But he didn't dare look at them.
After clearing the mugs and putting them back in the kitchen, El once again sat down at her place. Once again silence continued and El was now glaring at Peter. It was like she was threatening him, telling him that he better start apologising or it would be the death of his.
Peter nodded and twisted himself so that he was facing Neal better now.
He tried to calm his racing heart and spoke, "Neal.."
Neal didn't respond and only stared at his sling as if he was actually intrigued by it. Peter swallowed and shifted his gaze at El. El only gestured to try again. And so he did just that.
"Neal, buddy..will you please look at me?"
Neal inhaled deeply and finally turned towards Peter. He let out a surprised gasp. Peter was holding his keychain turned chain in his hand and was offering it to him.
He automatically stretched out his free hand to grab the chain but then suddenly his hand froze midway.
What was Peter doing with the chain. More importantly how did Peter get the chain. He sucked in a sharp breath as he suddenly realised that he had kept the chain into the pocket of his jacket. That jacket which he had worn at the stakeout. His entire body went cold at the realisation. His heart raced even as he spoke, almost in a whisper, "You know."
Peter's heart felt like it was going to explode. He glanced at El. She nodded slightly, encouraging him to go on. Peter smiled slightly and sighed before turning his attention back to Neal.
Neal was once again avoiding Peter. He was staring at the chain in Peter's hand. He now understood why there was this sudden change in the attitude of Peter. He never really doubted El's intentions. He knew that no matter what Peter must have told her, she would have given him the benefit of the doubt.
"Neal." Peter called out but Neal didn't reply. Peter then placed his hand on top of Neal's and squeezed it gently.
"Please, Neal. Just look at me."
Neal finally looked at Peter and the latter sighed in relief.
"Thank you." Peter said sincerely.
Neal didn't say anything and waited for Peter to continue.
"Neal, I cannot even begin to explain how much sorry I am right now."
Neal didn't reply, merely continued to stare into Peter's warm brown eyes. How much he had missed this warmth in his eyes. The coldness in those eyes had shattered his heart. He suppressed a shudder as he thought of those eyes. He tried to concentrate on what Peter was telling him.
"I know, buddy, that I shouldn't have said and done things that I did at the warehouse. What I did was.." He paused and Neal blinked, waiting for Peter to continue,
"Cruel. And I am so so sorry for that. I should have let you explain the things the way they were." He paused again, waiting for Neal to say something, anything but Neal never said anything, only stared at Peter. So he went on,
"I know what I did is not at all forgivable but.." Peter stopped. A heart clenching thought popped into his mind. What if Neal never forgave him? What if he left them? But what option did he have after all other than to apologize and see how Neal will react. He opened his mouth to speak but Neal cut him off.
"It's okay, Peter. I forgive you." His voice was cold and monotonous. It pierced right through Peter and El's heart. Neal was far from forgiving them.
El leaned forward to speak but Neal was talking, "So now that the things are out in the open and cleared, and the matter is solved, can I go now?"
"What? No!" Peter exclaimed. Neal startled a little but quickly schooled his features. Peter cringed because he saw the way Neal was startled. He had spoken a little too loudly and harshly but no matter what, he wasn't going to let go Neal.
"No, kiddo, you can't go." He knew that by asking them whether he could go meant that he wanted to leave this place. Leave them. "This is your home. You just don't leave your home and go away like that."
"Yes, Sweetie. Please never say those words again." El finally spoke.
Neal turned to face El and replied, "I'm sorry, El, but much as it has been very tempting, I have realized that Inwill never be the son that you guys have always dreamed of."
"No.." El started to say but again Neal wasn't finished.
"And plus in Peter's own words, I'm just a criminal. Always was. Always will be."
Peter's stomach dropped. Hearing his own cruel, cruel words were like pure hell to him. He opened his mouth but still Neal was talking.
"Yeah, you know what, Peter. You are absolutely right. I will always be a criminal. I'm a bad person."
This was it. Peter was just not going to let Neal talk like this. "No, Neal. You are not a bad person. Never were and never will be. It was very mean of me to say such words to you. If anybody's a bad person then it's me. You didn't deserve any of what I said and did to you."
Neal scoffed. Peter's entire body went cold. His heart was thudding painfully in his chest. This was not supposed to go this way. How were things going to get solved like this.
"I am sorry, kid." Peter tried once again.
"No. Don't be. It is okay. I get it, okay." Neal suddenly stood up. Peter and El looked at each other in alarm. They both were quickly on their feet too.
"Just because you figured it out that I had gone into that burning building because of my keychain does not wipe out the cruel.." He paused and turned to look sharply at Peter. "Yes, Peter, they were cruel.. Those words, that slap, it was all very cruel." His voice was rising with every word.
El came forward, "Baby.." Her heart was breaking on listening the anguish in Neal's voice but Neal stepped away from her.
"No! Stop! I'm a criminal.."
"Buddy.." This time Peter interrupted but Neal raised his hand to stop him.
"Yes, Peter, I am a criminal. But that doesn't give the right to you guys to keep doing this to me, okay. You love and care for me at one time and then suddenly you see that I am not that worth all the trouble and start to degrade me. This is not done."
Both Peter and El stood there speechless, too stunned by the way Neal was pouring out those angry, heartfelt words. Words that were actually true. They had adopted Neal as their son but had they really thought him as one? Would they have reacted the same way that they reacted today if they really had considered Neal as their son?
Peter's heart squeezed itself. Neal was correct. They had adopted him but they never really knew how to be parents. El was perfect but him? He was a failure of a father. It was getting difficult to breathe with each word that Neal uttered but he knew that he had to hear them. He deserved this.
"So, you found out that I had gone there for the keychain, but what if you never knew the real reason? Then what? Would you still be apologising me for your behaviour, Peter?" Neal was now crying and his words were now mixed with sobs.
El's own eyes were filled with tears. She just couldn't bear to see her kid like this.
"I.." Peter started to say but his words caught in his throat. Would he have still apologised to Neal? Would he have trusted that Neal had not gone for the gems? He felt a pang of guilt in his chest. No. No, he wouldn't have done the right thing.
"See! This is what I am talking about." Neal sniffed. "You just can't keep doing this to me. Before you guys came into my life, I was okay with everything that James did. I had accepted things the way they were. But you guys, you guys gave me hope of a better life, a better ending, a happy ending." A few more tears rolled down from his eyes and he wiped them off angrily.
Peter and El both took little comfort in the fact that Neal was still calling his father by his name and not Dad. That would have been devastating for them. Neal wasn't finished though.
"I really can't keep doing this. Please, I just can't. I just can't keep living in dread and fear. Fear that someday you will finally realise that I am not the son you wanted. So please," Neal paused and turned to face El who had her hand on her mouth and was crying too. Neal's own heart was breaking with his anguish so continued, "El.. Please just let me go. Please."
"No, Neal.." El started to say but Neal quickly turned away and faced Peter who was standing there soaking each and every word of Neal.
"Peter, please. I..just let me go. I will manage. Mozzie's there. I just.. Please let me go. Pl.." Neal could never finish the rest of his words as he was suddenly wrapped in a strong but warm hug. It took a moment for his brain to realise what had happened. It was Peter who was hugging him. It was a little awkward as his cast and sling came in between them but still Neal could feel the warmth of Peter's hug.
Peter just clung on to Neal like he was his lifeline. He kept his arms wrapped around his kid and didn't let go. Didn't let go even though Neal was standing there as stiff as a board. He just hugged him, trying to pour out all his love for Neal in that hug.
Neal didn't dare move. He was acutely aware of the increasing wetness of his shirt. Peter was crying. Not that he himself wasn't. But it was a strange feeling. For him Peter was strong. He was his strength, his support, his Dad...
He stopped his train of thoughts right there. And then Peter was talking,
"I'm really sorry , buddy." Peter had never sounded so broken and all Neal could think was that how to stop this pain of his. The more Peter clung on to Neal the more Neal felt his broken heart mended. Yes the pain was still there but now it was reduced to a dull ache. An ache which would take time to go away but still Neal would take it. Instinctively Neal brought his free hand around Peter and wrapped it tightly and whispered, "It's okay, it's okay.." He paused and then said, "Dad. It's okay."
Peter stiffened this time. By uttering the word Dad, Neal had said it all. He had finally forgiven him. And then just like that, all the tension left him and he sagged in relief but didn't let go off Neal yet.
"I love you, kiddo."
"I know." Was all that Neal replied. Because that was true. He knew that Peter and El loved him.
Slowly Peter untangled himself free from Neal and gazed into those blue eyes and saw nothing but love for him. For El. Once again he felt guilty about the way this whole thing had started. But..but Neal was smiling now. Even though it was a little broken but it was there.
Neal turned away from Peter to face El. She was standing there with apprehension. She was very glad that Neal had forgiven Peter but she knew this was only a start. It was going to take much more than the hug but for now Neal had behaved more maturely. She was also happy that Neal had called Peter Dad but she was still scared about what Neal would call her?
She didn't have to wait for long though. Neal reached her in a couple of strides and engulfed her in a hug and whispered softly, "I'm so sorry, Mom. I put you through this. I'm so sorry."
El only wrapped her hands around her boy, relishing every moment of it. Neal had proved once again what an amazing person he was. He was the one who was hurt but he still made things better in just one moment. "I love you, sweetie. No need to apologise, honey."
Peter couldn't help but smile at the scene in front of him. He walked up to his family and patted lightly on El's shoulder, a sign to show his support. El smiled slightly and Peter knew that she hadn't forgiven him fully but he also knew that he was going to make it alright. He then ruffled Neal's hair with affection.
Neal suddenly broke away from El and mock glared at Peter. "Not the hair, Dad. I have a reputation to maintain."
Peter laughed. His heart ached though, because he knew that his kid was still hurting and was only putting up a front. But he was going to take whatever Neal was giving them. It was going to be a long road to gain his kid's trust back but Peter was going to do everything to make it happen.
"Now come on, buddy. You need to rest. Get going to your Winter Wonderland."
Neal chuckled, and this time it was more genuine which made both El and Peter happy. "Yeah, I definitely am sleepy." He started to walk but then El stopped him.
"Neal, honey, you forgot this." Peter had dropped it on the couch when he had gotten up when Neal had suddenly abandoned the couch too.
Neal turned and saw that El was holding out his chain. His heart stopped for all two seconds. No matter what happened, this chain was very important to him and it will always be. He smiled at El and gladly took the chain from her and hung it around his neck.
"There. Done." El smiled. Neal once again started to walk away but this time Peter stopped him.
"Hey, Neal.."
"Yeah?"
"Um.. Um..would you want me to carry you to your Winter Wonderland?" Peter asked, his entire body trembling in fear. Fear that Neal might reject him out right but then Neal surprised him.
"I thought you'd never ask." Neal was smiling. Peter took that as a plus. It was a start.
...
Okay so this took really long and I'm extremely sorry for that. Hope you will forgive me.
Yes. Things are finally almost good between the Burkes.
I have a confession to make. Now you guys who were with me since Lost and found must know that I had told about how my life sucked. Well it just got suckier and so I am extremely sorry that this story as of now is complete. I really won't be able to write now. But u never know.. life might change n I might come back.
I really hope that that if I do come back, my dear readers will come back too :)
I am not marking this as Complete because I might come back and continue the story right from where I left. Lastly..I want to thank each and everyone for loving my fics. Thank you so much guys. You all are the best. I love you :)
Be seeing you,
JoeNeal :)
