Hi guys! I'm so sorry it's been so long. I had a baby a few months ago so having the time to sit down and really get into my writing has been difficult. This chapter is not nearly as fleshed out as I want it to be, but I wanted to get something out so you don't think I've forgotten it. Hopefully I can get a few hours to myself soon so I can update again. Thanks for all the support and WELCOME to my new readers.
Tara POV
It had been a little over a week since I agreed to hang out with the guys at TM after school. It had actually gone a lot better than I'd expected and, even though I hadn't been back to the clubhouse, we were all sort of falling back into our old familiarity. Kris and I would meet up with the guys for lunch and spent our passing periods hanging with them in the spot we'd claimed as our own under the second story breezeway. Surprisingly, Jax had been on his best behavior with me; he hadn't tried hitting on me, he hadn't tried flaunting his female groupies in my face; he'd also done his general best not to act like a prick. Well, with the exception of when Adam was around.
Granted, Jax and Adam were friendly and Adam was easily finding his place back in the group, but there was an underlying tenant of something unspoken there. I wasn't really sure if Adam was aware of it. I wasn't even sure if Adam knew Jax and I had a history or not. If he did, he didn't seem to care all that much. It wasn't overt. It wasn't in your face. But he'd been giving me and Kris a ride home from school almost every day and we talked on the phone most nights.
Adam was easy to talk to and even easier on the eyes. I didn't feel any earth shattering gravitational pull toward him, but there was definitely a mutual attraction and he was a welcome distraction from the loneliness I'd come to feel the last several months. It felt nice to have someone interested in me, felt nice to have someone want to make me laugh and, though I wasn't really sure what his intentions were, I wasn't really sure that I cared.
The final bell rang and I threw my books in my bag and headed down the hall to meet Kris.
"Hey" she nodded at me, adjusting her bag over her shoulder. "You catching a ride with Adam again?"
"Supposed to" I smiled at her.
"You really like this guy, don't you?" she asked with a look of reproach on her face.
I brushed my hand through the air indicating it was no big deal.
"He's cute. He's nice to talk to. I haven't really thought about it too much more than that really."
"You sure about that?" She quirked an eyebrow at me in concern.
"Positive" I groaned, my stomach twisting at the thought of where this conversation was going.
"I'm just making sure. I mean, I know he hangs out with Jason and Eric and you know what they say, birds of a feather…"
I rolled my eyes. "Look, seriously. Don't worry about it. I know what I'm getting myself into. I'm not looking for anything serious. The last thing I need is some boy to have to answer to. I'm just having fun."
"Not too much fun, I hope."
"Jesus, Kris. I'm not sleeping with him. For fuck's sake, he hasn't even asked me out on a date yet. "
"But you want to?"
With that, I threw my hands up in frustration. "Want to what? Christ, Kristina! Let me get a date first before you start lecturing me on who I'm fucking around with."
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I just know how you get sometimes…." She broke off, not finishing her sentence.
"If that's your nice way of telling me not to act like a slut, I really appreciate it" I spit back at her.
"I didn't say that!" she defended. " I just, I just meant…."
"I know what you meant" I bit back, starting to lose patience with the conversation. I loved Kris like a sister and while I knew I should've appreciated that she was looking out for me, I couldn't help but feel insulted. All she was doing was reminding me of things I'd been desperately trying to run away from.
"I just don't want you to get hurt. Last time… I mean after you and Jax broke up… those guys they…all those rumors… I just know it really hurt" she added, her voice rife with worry.
"FUCK, Kristina! I know. It's not like I'm falling in love with the guy. He's just a distraction, ok?" I felt like screaming at her but didn't want to draw anymore unwanted attention. School had been in session for weeks and still nothing interesting enough had happened to take my name off the gossip carousel. I didn't want to make it worse.
"I know, I just…. I don't want you distracting yourself for the wrong reasons… distracting yourself has never made you feel better before….it…it usually makes you feel worse."
I glared at her. "Are you finished?" I didn't need her to remind me of the emptiness I'd fallen into over the last year. Heartbroken, angry, and ostracized, I'd tried to numb the pain with any drug or with any person possible which, of course, had only compounded my self-loathing. I'd been doing so much better since coming back to school. Could she not see that? Did she really have such a low opinion of me… that that's all she thought?
She opened her mouth to say something else but stopped as she saw Harry heading our direction.
Harry looked between Kris and me warily. "You two okay?"
"Peachy" I muttered under my breath.
I could see Harry's eyes searching my face but he thought better of asking any further.
"You got plans this afternoon?" he asked the same way he'd asked every day since the day I went with them to the club house.
"Yeah, I have some homework and stuff to do."
"Oh, bullshit. Come hang out again. You know you had fun last time." He continued. "I think Adam's coming by the club house later anyway, if that's your lame excuse."
My mouth dropped at his directness. "And what is that supposed to mean?"
"Come on, Rocky. I'm not stupid. I know you have a thing for him."
"I don't have a thing for him! He's just giving me a ride home." Seriously, what was everyone's problem today?
"Okay, Tara. All I'm saying is if you really want to hang out with him, you'd probably have a better chance if you just hung out with all of us."
"What kind of reverse psychology is this, Ope? I know better than to think you're going to try and help set us up. "
"What? Fuck no. I'm not trying to help set you up with him. If you have to hang out with him, I just feel better if you do it when I'm around."
"Cut the big brother bullshit, Opie. I'm a big girl and Adam is harmless."
Opie looked to Kris for help but she kept quiet this time and just looked at the ground.
"Okay, okay, Tara." He conceded "Whatever you say. Sue me for trying to look out for you."
I took a deep breath trying to quell the anger that had risen inside me. I reached out and touched him gently on the arm. "I know, Harry. I'm sorry. You just caught me at a bad moment" I said looking at Kris then back to him.
"So does this mean you're coming back to the clubhouse?" he asked with a mischievous glint in his eye.
I raised my hand and smacked him hard in the arm.
XOXOXOX
We gathered around Frankie's truck, bullshitting around waiting for the rest of the group to make their way out to the parking lot. Jax and Ryan emerged first, surrounded by their usual flock of females. A slim redhead had her arm wrapped around Jax' waist, whispering in his ear. Ryan said something to him and as he lifted his head he noticed us already standing near Frankie's truck. He nonchalantly put some space between him and the redhead but continued with whatever conversation they were having. Ryan, on the other hand, slapped one of the girls on the ass and scampered off toward us, the big bosomed blonde chasing after him.
As Ryan ran up to us laughing, the girl collided into him and he wrapped his arm around her. "Guys, you know Chelsea, right?"
I nodded politely as Kris and Opie muttered unenthusiastic "Hey's" .
Chelsea met my eyes and offered a timid smile. I tried to offer what I hoped was a warm smile in return. I wasn't sure who she was to Ryan but she hadn't given me a reason not to like her yet.
The group of girls attached to Jax slowly broke off as he got closer to us, the redhead the only one balsy enough to approach. I almost felt bad for her as he separated himself from her and jumped up on the tailgate next to Opie…. Almost. The girl swayed awkwardly before she sauntered over to Chelsea's flank, obviously dejected.
"I think I'm gonna catch a ride with Eric" Kris said quietly.
I was pretty sure he had football practice, but I was still irritated with her and didn't press. I offered a shrug in response as she walked away.
"Everything okay, there?" Jax asked, having picked up on the icy exchange.
I shrugged, not wanting to meet his eye.
Taking the cue that I didn't want to talk about it, he simply offered a "you guys will work it out." He didn't say anything else but the warmth in his voice set my nerves a little more at ease. Even though I hated to admit it, Jax still knew me better than anyone on the planet and there's not much that can compare to the solace found in that.
XOXOXOX
Jax POV
I wasn't sure what was going on with Tara and Kris, but it didn't seem good. They were basically Siamese twins, interminably intertwined in each other's lives and it was highly unusual for them to separate… especially on bad terms. I knew what Kris meant to Tara but in that moment the rigid set of her shoulders and dismissive stare could've convinced me otherwise.
Though it was unlike Tara to regard Kris with such aloofness, I couldn't say I'd never seen Tara like this before. It took a lot to get on Tara's shit list but, once you were there, damn could that girl hold a grudge. You know how people say the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference? Well Tara could play indifferent better than anyone I'd ever met, my own mother included. I was concerned about what it would've taken for Kris to wade into this frigid territory but it was clear Tara wasn't in the mood to talk about it.
Frankie sauntered towards us, trickling out with the last wave of students.
"You guys ready to go?"
Opie and I hopped off the tailgate and slammed it shut. Ryan was too immersed with Chelsea to have noticed.
I looked over at Tara who was discreetly scanning the parking lot. I was glad Adam was nowhere to be found, but the disenchantment on her face hit hard in the pit of my stomach. I wanted him to stand her up, but part of me wanted to kill him for it.
She hiked her bag up anxiously over her shoulder as the crinkle lines in her forehead appeared.
"You want a ride?" I asked, catching her wandering eyes.
She looked around again before looking back at me. Opie had turned his attention to her as well.
She took a deep breath and forced a smile.
"Um, yeah, actually. That would be great. Thanks."
I opened the passenger door and held it open, gesturing for her to climb in. "After you."
Opie caught my eye and gave me a shit eating grin. I rolled my eyes and climbed in the cab after her, trying to keep my own shit eating grin off my face.
Frankie looked at me and Tara but didn't say anything as he started up his truck. Tara stared out the windshield, absentmindedly twirling a strand of hair around her slender fingers. It was a subconscious habit of hers, one that could mean a few different things and none of them good. I gently put my hand around her busied fingers and pulled them away from her hair before she made a knot she'd have to rip out. My gesture startled her from her trance and she smiled sadly as I pulled my hand away.
We pulled out of the parking lot and still no one spoke.
I snuck a glance at Tara out of the corner of my eye and she was staring at her hands. Frankie must've sensed her mood because he didn't say anything until we came to a fork in the road.
Without taking his eyes off the road, he asked Tara "Your house or TM?"
Tara's head eyes snapped up to meet Frankie's and then mine. Her eyes were asking me something I couldn't quite discern, so I offered her a shrug. Tara generally like to be left to her own devices when she was upset but it usually wasn't for the best. I wanted her to come with us; maybe we could cheer her up. But that decision was on her.
She swallowed hard and looked back at Frankie. "TM's fine" her pale lips pressed firmly into a stoic line.
Again, the battling urge to shake Adam's hand while simultaneously shaking the shit out of him waged war inside me.
Frankie wordlessly turned the leather steering wheel left. I dug into my pockets for my Marlboro's and handed Tara one. She wrinkled her nose in distaste.
"Still haven't switched to menthols, I see," she commented casually, pulling out her own black Bic to light it.
I smirked. "And you still smoke those disgusting things, I see"
The corner of her mouth curled up in amusement. She shook her head. "One day you'll learn, Teller."
"Yeah, right. Those things crystallize your lungs or some shit."
She laughed out loud and blew a strand of hair out of her face.
"That's just an urban legend, Jax. That can't actually happen."
"Frankie?" I asked imploringly.
"Fuck if I know," he shrugged. "But they are fucking gross" he added, flinching away from Tara anticipating an elbow.
She just rolled her eyes.
"Whatever" she laughed, leaning forward to turn up the radio.
Underneath the bridge, the tarp has sprung a leak. And the animals I've trapped have all become my pets.
"This shit is depressing," Frankie echoed my thoughts as he reached to change the station.
Tara swatted at his hand. "I love this song."
Something in the way, mmm. Something in the way, yeah. Mmmm.
"Why? It's terrible." Frankie told her as he touched the dial.
Tara shrugged. "I don't know. What's wrong with Nirvana?"
"Nothing's wrong with them," I butted in. "That song just sucks. That'll kill anyone's good mood real quick."
"Who said?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at me.
I had to laugh. "I said."
"You're both wrong. Nirvana sucks. All of their songs make me want to put a bullet in my brain. We ain't listening to that shit in here."
Notorious BIG's "Juicy" filtered through the speakers. "There," said Frankie. "Much better."
Tara eyeballed him but didn't complain. "You're lucky I like this song," she emptily threatened.
"Wouldn't care if you didn't, sunshine" he replied smiling sweetly at her.
XOXOXOX
We pulled into TM and piled out of the truck. Tara dug through her bag and found a pack of menthols and lit one as my mom walked out of the office toward us.
"I'd offer you one but.." she explained looking at me.
I held my hand up stopping her. "Please. Keep it. You can have your crystallized lungs."
She laughed. Points for me.
"Hey, baby" Gemma said hugging me tightly to her.
"Hey, mom."
"Hey boys," she greeted the rest of the guys, dropping kisses on their cheeks. " I'm glad you all made it to school today. And stayed all day by the looks of it."
Her eyes landed on Tara. "Tara! Sweetheart!" she exclaimed, surprised to see the pretty brunette. She placed a gentle hand on Tara's shoulder. "Everything going okay at home?" she asked, not bothering to beat around the bush.
Tara bit her lip but smiled. "Things are… things, Mrs. Teller. But thank you for asking."
Gemma gave her a concerned look.
"Really, Mrs. Teller. Everything's fine," Tara assured her. "You know; no worse, no better. We're good."
Gemma sighed. "Okay, but you would let me know if things were worse, wouldn't you?"
"Of course," Tara lied sweetly through her teeth. Tara would never tell anyone if things were worse, especially not my mom and especially not the SAMCRO Queen. She didn't want to be pitied and she didn't want to admit when she needed help. It was just another thing for her to internalize and twist herself up with, but there was no way any of us were going to change that about her.
Mom had always been sweet on Tara, even more so after her mom died. Then, when Tommy had died, Tara had been a big help around the house and Gemma respected the hell out of her for it. She wasn't really thrilled when she'd heard about my little stunt with Suzie last year. She knew Tara hadn't deserved it.
"Are you boys hungry?" mom asked.
Tara snorted. "Do you even have to ask?"
Mom chuckled. "I guess that is a pretty silly question. There's leftovers in the bar. We have some of the other charters in town so there's a whole spread for you guys."
I leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks, mom"
"Yeah, thanks Gem." The guys echoed as they made a dash for the club house. Tara followed behind them at her own pace and I was in no rush.
"You know, you could tell my mom if you or your dad needed something" I started.
Tara held up a hand, silencing me. "Jax, we've been through this. Things are fine until they're not fine and then they'll be fine again. It's fine."
"My dad always tells me that when a chick says something's "fine" it's definitely not fine… it's like the opposite of fine."
"It's fine" she repeated in exasperation.
"Okay, okay. Just making sure you know."
She tilted her head slightly to meet my eyes and took a deep breath. "I know, Jax. Thank you," she said quietly before pushing open the club house door allowing the cacophony inside to effectively end the conversation.
A/N: I'm going to make some minor edits to a few of the other chapters this weekend. After my long hiatus I need to kind of regroup on a few things. So apologies for all of the chapter update notices.
