Tara POV

Adam dropped like lead into the driver's seat and rested his hands on the wheel, not bothering to start the engine. It was queerly quiet and I wasn't sure if I should speak or let him have a moment to regroup. His shoulders hung under the weight of the last ten minutes and all I wanted was to console him but I wasn't quite sure how to do so. My insides ached to see his distress.

The silence stretched on and the ache in my chest grew. Adam was normally so even-keeled. He never took anything too seriously and always upheld the laidback demeanor he was known for. This was a side I'd only glimpsed in flashes when our phone calls had turned to heavier things, like his family.

Finally, I reached out a hand and placed it on his shoulder. He slowly turned his head and met my eyes. I could see he was searching for something to say, but the look in his eyes told me he was at a loss. I wasn't sure what to say either. The guys had definitely not been subtle about their distaste. Even if Adam had no intention of prospecting, the idea alone had created a crippling chasm, bringing the previously unspoken underpinnings to the forefront.

"It's okay, you know. They'll come around," I offered.

When he didn't say anything, I continued.

"They've wanted to be in the club since they were driving Big Wheels. This isn't about you. I promise. Please don't take it personal."

"They aren't exactly good at using their words," I added, trying to bring some levity to the situation.

Adam let out a bitter laugh. "Oh, I think they used their words pretty well just now."

I gave him a small smile.

He shook his head and turned the key, the classic engine roaring to life. We drove off the lot and sat in silence a little longer. We came to a fork in the road and he turned to me thoughtfully.

"You wanna grab something to eat?"

My eyes darted to my phone, looking at the time. He noticed.

"It's okay if you can't. I know your dad..." He didn't finish his sentence but he didn't have to. I guess I'd hoped he'd forgotten whatever memories he'd had of my dad, but apparently that was too much to wish for.

"No, it's fine. I'm down. " I replied, feeling a genuine smile play across my lips.

"You sure?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah. Definitely." We hadn't actually hung out one on one before and I definitely wasn't going to pass up the chance, drunken daddy be damned.

He smiled a crooked smile. "Cool" he said, a small sign of relief crossing his face.

XOXOXOX

We slid into the red vinyl booth and smiled cautiously at each other. The waitress came and took our order and then left us to navigate through our first date. Was this considered a date, I wondered?

Adam anxiously stroked his beard. "Thanks for coming with me. I wasn't really ready to go face Ma after the clubhouse. Just needed a little breather, I guess. Get my head right before I head home. Ma doesn't really have anything good to say about SAMCRO or anyone associated with it. Probably would just turn into a drunken fight if I went straight there," he admitted.

"No, I get it. Offspring of alcoholics unite!" I joked lightly, trying not to wade too far into the deep end just yet.

Adam smiled warmly. "At least someone understands, though I guess that's a pretty shitty thing to commiserate over."

I shrugged. "True, but misery loves company right?"

"I guess. But you're too nice of a person to have to keep me company in that. You shouldn't have to live your life with that kind of cloud hanging over you."

I tried to fight my blush. "After my mom died, my dad gave me some words to live by. He said 'life's not fair. It's never gonna be fair. If you need looking after, you need to be looking after yourself. No one's gonna do it for you, no one's gonna help you. If you're waiting on someone else, you're always gonna be disappointed."

Adam's jaw dropped but he quickly recovered. "That's pretty shitty advice to give to a little girl who's mom just died."

"Maybe, but that doesn't make it less true."

It was Adam's turn to shrug. He stared silently at me, like he was inspecting me before he spoke again.

"You're a pretty touch chick, you know that T?"

I laughed. "I get by, I guess."

"No, I mean it. When we were kids, all the other girls would run home crying when they'd scrape their knees or when we pulled their pigtails. But you; you'd just brush the dirt off or punch us in the kidney and keep on keepin' on." He paused. "And now? I've heard the stories. You're still holding your own."

"You should know better than to believe everything you hear," I smiled.

Adam smiled widely and shook his head before his face fell once more. His gaze shifted out the diner window.

"The guys… they were really pissed huh?"

I took a deep breath. "They were, but they'll get over it."

"You know, prospecting never even crossed my mind. I seriously never even gave it a thought. I didn't come back to Charming to be some reformed goody-two shoes or anything but I never planned to try and join up with SAMCRO. I never expected to start hanging out with Jax again and I definitely never expected to step foot in the club house again."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I don't know how it all got so fucked up."

I pressed my lips together turning his words over in my head. I had definitely been there. One minute your life is on a certain trajectory and within half the blink of an eye you're upside down, swimming in the Swamp of Sadness.

"Well, I mean, are you considering it now that it's an option?" I asked, honestly curious.

The question seemed to jolt something in him.

He lifted his head and stared at me for another second before turning back to the window.

"When dad went to prison, I wasn't even mad about it. I mean, sure, shit sucked at home but I was never mad at the club over it. If anything I was kind of proud of my old man. He didn't rat. He did his time. That's what a real outlaw does. Back then, I thought he was a bad ass."

He stopped and took a stabilizing breath.

"But when he died… I don't know. It was like a switch got flipped. I blamed the MC for not taking care of him. I blamed him for putting the club before his own life. I have no doubt he knew it was coming, knew what was gonna happen to him. He never said anything; not to me, not to Ma. He knew there was a hit out on him and no one did anything to stop it. And that's when I started to get mad." His fists flexed reflexively.

"Ma came undone after that. Gemma, Mary… they tried to help her – tried to help her pick up the pieces. When he was inside, she'd let them. They made sure we ate, made sure the electricity stayed on. After he died though? She wanted to tear their eyes out; didn't care if the water got turned off, if the electricity went out. Gemma tried everything to get through to her; the good cop routine, the bad cop routine, the "get your head out of your ass you have a boy to raise" routine. Nothing. It only made it worse. "

I gently reached across the table and squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"As her anger at the club grew, mine grew accordingly. It's stupid. I mean, it wasn't really their fault. Dad chose the club and the life that came with it. But I was young; I couldn't wrap my brain around it. I just knew he was gone and he might as well have taken Ma with him. She just kept drinking – Malibu and Hawaiian Punch - from the time she opened her eyes til the time she passed out again. The smell of that shit still makes me sick."

I nodded in understanding. My dad didn't take the time to mask the bourbon with filler, but the smell of it was permanently seared in my memory.

He shook his head. "She started picking fights with me. I think she got so sloshed sometimes she thought I was him. I don't know…I did everything right. Stayed away from the guys, came home right after school, never stayed out – anything I could think of to try to take the burden off of her. But she never seemed to notice the good, only the bad. Then one day I came home and there was a reform school brochure on the table. Not sure where the hell she got it, it wasn't like she could ever muster up the strength to leave the house. Regardless, somehow she got the idea in her head and that was the end of it. Off I went"

The turmoil boiling in his eyes stirred something inside me. It was like my own personal internal monologue had been written onto pages and here Adam was, reciting it back to me; different, yet still the same.

I smiled encouragingly at him. I didn't have any words to offer. Nothing anyone said had ever made me feel better about my situations. Why force him to sit through my petty, meaningless words knowing they wouldn't change anything?

"And now?" I prompted.

"Now what?"

"How do you feel about the club now?"

Adam let out a low breath. "I don't know. I guess the time away, the separation from it all…. It let me see it all a little clearer. It's not my mom's fault. It's not my dad's fault. It's not the club's fault. People make their choices and they live with those choices. Unfortunately, the people close to them have to live with those choices too. I guess it's kinda like what your old man told you. You make your life what it is. You can't fault anyone else for your life or what you choose to do with it. I'm not mad at the club. But I don't want to prospect. It would kill Ma, literally kill her. And there's no guarantee that what happened to my old man won't happen to me too. I mean they seem like they've gone legit right… but what do I know? The outlaw pendulum's always swinging. No one knows when the hammer's gonna fall."

"Well, it sounds like you've given it more thought than you're willing to admit but-" I squeezed his hand when he looked like he was going to correct me. "But I think that that's a good thing. It seems like you know what you want and SAMCRO isn't it. Jax, Opie… they'll come around. I know it's a kick in the gut that they reacted like that but it's a non-issue. You don't want to prospect – so you're not going to. End of story." It seemed simple to me.

"I know you're right, but it still bugs me. Would it really be so bad to them if I wanted to?" he scrambled quickly when I raised an eyebrow. "I don't want to, but if I did, would it really be that big of a deal?"

"Adam, really. Please don't take it personal. They would've had that reaction if it was anybody. Their like ten year olds who've been saving up all of their allowance for Disney World and their best friend got to go without them. It's just a little bit of jealousy. They're so close they can taste it but you're getting a chance to drink before they can. It pissed them off."

"It's not personal," I stressed again.

Adam nodded.

"Alright, enough with the heavy. Let's talk about something else," he suggested and I happily obliged, fearing that any further talks of heavy might drift over to my side and I definitely didn't want to divulge my darkness tonight.

We camped out at the table the rest of the night just bullshitting until we noticed the staff noisily closing the diner down. I finally looked around and realized we were the only ones left. We'd been there for hours.

Adam cleared his throat. "Uh, I think they're trying to kick us out."

I laughed. "Yeah, it does seem that way. Either that or our waitress is really angry at that rolled silverware.

"I'll be sure to leave her a good tip" he joked.

"No, it's okay. I got it," I replied instinctually.

He furrowed his brow at me. "T, it's fine. I'll take care of it. Can't have you going around telling people I made my date pick up the tab."

"I wasn't gonna pick up the tab," I winked at him. "Just the tip. At least let me do that much."

"Not a chance, beautiful. Look, T, I get it. You're one of those "progressive" chicks. But not on my watch. I got this covered. It's the least I can do after you listened to me whine like a baby earlier."

I finally acquiesced and put my wallet back in my bag.

"And you weren't whining," I added. "I like that you can talk to me."

A smile stole across his face. "I like that too."

As we walked out of the diner, I felt his strong fingers lock in between mine as he led me through the parking lot and opened the passenger's side door. It felt a little cheesy, but it was a sweet gesture all the same.

We finally pulled up to my house. I didn't want to get out of the car but, for once, it wasn't because I dreaded the welcoming committee waiting inside. For a fleeting moment tonight, I felt good. The never ending swirl of anxieties had quieted for a few hours. I almost didn't know what to do with myself.

I reluctantly unbuckled my seatbelt and started to grab my things.

"Here, let me walk you to the door," he offered.

His chivalry stunned me. I wasn't the kind of girl who had guys walk her to her door.

"Oh. That's okay. You don't have to. Actually, it's probably better if you don't..." I glanced at the front door, anxieties slowly starting to leak their way back in.

"Right. Gotcha. No, I get it. He's probably already gonna be kinda pissed huh? Sorry. I kept you out a little later than I planned."

"Oh, no. Don't apologize. I had fun. It was…nice," I managed, suddenly at a loss for words.

"Good. Then I guess we'll have to do it again sometime," he said hopefully.

"Definitely," I managed to whisper.

The word hung in the thick air between us. My nerves were on high alert, waiting for the next move that neither one of us seemed sure enough to make.

His eyes asked the question and mine must've answered because he leaned across the middle console and softly pressed his lips to mine. I deepened the kiss and felt his thumb brush across my cheekbone as he drew me closer. It wasn't ecstasy, but it was comfortable and comfort was something I'd been in short supply of for long time.

Slowly I pulled back, biting my swollen lip.

"Good night, Tara."

"Night, Adam."

I grudgingly walked across my lawn to the front door. Adam waited until I'd gone inside before driving off. To my relief, dad was passed out on the couch, a Warriors vs. Spurs game playing loudly on the tv. I softly padded to my room, shut the door behind me and flipped on the radio. I lay back on my bed with a girlish smile on my face, staring at the ceiling, trying to relive every detail of the evening's conversation. My smile broadened at the sound of my text notification.

Adam: Had a great time tonight. See you tomorrow.

For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.