AN: I've gotten a lot of feedback and people are ready for Jax and Tara to be together. Believe me, I'm ready to write about it too. Unfortunately, relationships rarely end with clean breaks and there's a little bit more to the Adam/Tara saga before it can wrap up organically and set the stage for the rest of the story.

I know it feels like it's dragging for Jax/Tara fans… I'm usually not a fan of stories where they aren't together either. But stick with it and trust me, I AM getting there. ;) I know a lot of people were unhappy with Tara taking Jax back so easily on the show and also that Gemma thinks they didn't fall in love until they were 16 so I am trying to live in that world. Don't worry, I won't make you wait until they're 16 though. Lol. *Love*

Tara POV

The weeks following Thanksgiving were not kind. It came at me from every angle; school, Adam, Jax, my dad, hell, even Kris. I felt the pressure crushing down on me as though I'd somehow been tricked into taking Atlas' burden as my own. Adam was working all the time. Jax was avoiding me. Kris and I kept our various pains at bay by reaching out to old friends. Ryan still came around. Opie tried reaching out. I withdrew, isolated myself, the only way I knew how to cope. I fluctuated between endless anxiety and endless apathy; like I'd been shipped off on an iceberg, facing certain death by blinding son or darkened sea. I got to the point where I craved the anxiety; the pain better than feeling nothing at all. I felt myself slipping, tripping up on old habits. I wanted to be strong, stay straight, but the darkness was a plague.

Adam and I were deteriorating more quickly than I could've imagined. I'd hope that the promise of extra income would make him feel better, bring him some amount of levity. Instead, it had done the opposite, providing him with something new to throw himself into 100%. We still saw each other, but all our interactions were the same; empty, meaningless, a shell of what it used to be. We fucked, got high, existed. We didn't argue, but we didn't talk. At least, not how we had before anyway. I kept waiting for things to turn around, for things to go back to the way they were… but every interaction left me feeling worse and worse, more and more alone. It was draining but I couldn't seem to throw in the towel.

And that was why I was sitting in my room, talking to Adam on the phone, arguing with him about his new plan to drop out of school.

"T, you don't get it, do you? I have nothing. Nothing! If I don't do this, I'm going to be on the streets," his voice escalating with each word.

"I get it, Adam. I do. I'm not stupid. But there are grants, and there's welfare for people… in your situation," I reasoned. "You're still a just a kid."

Adam scoffed. "Do you hear yourself right now? Fucking welfare," he spat like the word itself tasted foul. "Who do you think I am?"

"Adam, what are you doing to do if you drop out? TM is great for now, but do you want to just hang around the rest of your life? Don't you want options?" I wasn't sure why I felt so frantic, so adamant that he stayed in school. But he was so close to graduating, this was completely illogical.

"TM's not bad, Tara. You fucking love that place. And options?" he paused. "What options? Where else am I gonna go? Where else are YOU gonna go? This is my life, Tara! This is YOUR life! There's nothing else for us. No one gives a shit; about me… about you. We're on our own. Our parents made sure of that."

"Adam, stop it. You don't mean that," I half screamed, a sob threatening to escape as I tried to take a breath. I couldn't handle him just rolling over so easily.

"What was it your dad said? 'Life's not fair, it's never gonna be fair', right? 'No one's gonna do it for you, no one's gonna help you. If you're waiting on someone else, you're gonna be disappointed'," he paused like I might interrupt but I couldn't find coherent enough words.

"Well, he was right, T. He was fucking right. No one is going to do this for me. I have to take care of myself."

In that moment, my instinct for self-preservation overrode any sadness I may have felt. Or maybe the sadness had become too overwhelming and I needed to be angry if I was going to hold it together.

"How dare you?" I accused hysterically. "How dare you use that against me, throw his words back in my face!" I yelled.

I couldn't believe him. I had opened up to him. I had showed him something, something real, and he had used it against me. How was it possible that I'd been stupid enough to let him close enough to get that kind of ammunition? Like I hadn't learned my lesson once before.

"T-"

"No, don't 'T' me! Just because you're giving up on life doesn't mean… it doesn't mean…." My chest heaved with the effort of breathing. I couldn't hold it together.

But I didn't have to because suddenly my bedroom door slammed open.

"What was that?" I heard Adam ask as I pulled the phone from my ear.

"What's all this screaming in here?" my dad snapped angrily.

Phone still in hand, I went to stand but my dad was suddenly inches from my face.

"It's bad enough I have to hear that son of a bitch Johnson screaming on the job all day but then I have to come home to you, disrespecting me, disrespecting my house."

I was momentarily stunned by the anger radiating from him. I pushed myself further back on my bed, away from him.

"I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry. I just got carried away. I didn't realize how loud I was being."

"Who are you talking to? That boy again? God dammit, what did I tell you about that boy, Tara?" he roared and I smelled the whiskey leaking from his pores.

"No, dad. It's just a friend. We were… having a disagreement. But it's fine. I promise, I'll be quieter."

He spun away from me but his eye caught a small drawing on my wall.

"What is that?" he asked heatedly, pointing at a scrap of notebook paper taped next to my desk; a Nirvana logo and Stabbing Westward lyrics Jax had left in our shared textbook one day. "What did I tell you about that bullshit?"

I blinked hard. During the summer, he had torn practically every poster off of my walls in a drunken rampage. I hadn't even tried to hang them back up but I didn't think that something so small would set him off.

He ripped it down, and wadded it up into a ball before violently knocking everything off my desk and on to the floor. He spun around toward me but I was already on my feet. I grabbed my backpack, pushed past him, and ran as fast as my legs would carry me.

XOXOXOX

Jax POV

"Thanks for coming with me, bro," Ryan offered as we walked the trail between neighborhoods. It was late and we were both pretty drunk. All I really wanted to do was make it to my house and pass the fuck out.

"No worries, man. But you could've warned me about Suzy. Jesus, that bitch is crazy."

Ryan nodded in understanding. "Yeah, sorry about that man. I didn't know she was going to be there," he paused. "You know her name is Sally, right?"

"Suzy, Sally, whatever the fuck her name is. She's missing a few screws in her tool box."

He didn't say anything for a minute and I pulled a cigarette from my back pocket.

"You regret it?" Ryan asked innocently. He had no ulterior motive; he wasn't trying to piss me off. That kind of thing wasn't in Ryan's nature. The question was nothing more than genuine curiosity, but I couldn't help the scowl that crossed my face.

I took a deep drag and then exhaled. I rubbed my hand down my face, stopping on my mouth, like my body physically didn't want to answer.

"Every day, bro. Every fucking day."

"You think you guys would still be together?" a hint of surprise coloring his question.

I took another drag, mulling the question over in my mind.

"I don't know, man. I probably would've found some other way to fuck it up."

"I still don't get it though. It's not like you fucked her. I mean, she didn't even blow you. Tara really lost her shit over a kiss? I mean, Rocky's crazy but that doesn't seem like something she couldn't have gotten over."

I groaned, not wanting to have to revisit that day, even though it was never that far from my mind.

"You're a pain in the ass, you know that Sinclair?"

I could hear the smile in his voice. "You're not answering the question."

"Fuck. It was never about the kiss. It was… come on, man. You know how Tara is. She doesn't let anyone get close to her. There's like a handful of people she openly gives a shit about. In all the years you've known her, how many people have you seen her really be close to?"

Ryan thought for a minute. "Just us, I guess. And Kris. And Adam. Since her mom died anyway."

"Exactly. So what is that, like five people since she was eight years old? I betrayed her. That's all there is to it. She let me in and I ruined it. She trusted me and I was too much of an insecure prick to trust her back. I needed her to prove how she felt and I was too stupid to realize that her trusting me was her proving it," I shrugged, at a loss. No matter how much she told me she'd forgiven me, I still felt like shit.

Ryan was quiet for a while, dead leaves crunching under our feet the only sound.

"Well her and Adam are going down the shitter, if that makes you feel any better," he continued after a time.

A sad laugh escaped me. "It should, but it doesn't. Just means another asshole broke her heart."

"I don't know, bro. Give her more credit than that. I don't think she's gonna be heartbroken over him. Disappointed? Sure. But heartbroken? That's not Rocky. Last year was shitty, but she's not trying to go back down that road. I know she's your girl. But I like to think I know her pretty well too. Adam's not…you. She won't spin out, not like last time at least."

"I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse."

Ryan gave me a light shove. "Should make you feel both, asshole."

We walked a few more minutes before we came up on the drainage ditch between the neighborhoods. It wasn't much, just a concrete alley with wooden fences backed up on either side. Trees made a pretty solid canopy over it and the patches of weeds and bushes would've made it hard to walk through had we not already worn a solid path through it over the years.

We got about a third of the way through when I saw the small red glow of a cigarette up ahead.

"You see that?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah."

"Who do you think it is?"

"Fuck if I know. Probably just some kids," I answered.

"It's like 11 o'clock, dude."

I rolled my eyes.

As we got closer I realized the person was sitting on the ground, back against the concrete barrier. The flame disappeared from view, like the figure had seen us and hid it.

Squinting through the dark, the figure looked slender, petite.

"Tara?"