Okay guys, you won't fucking believe where I got the idea for this story from. It's been a while since the thought occurred to me and I'm still wondering if there's something wrong with my brain, connecting these two things together like it did (this isn't a crossover or anything, but the idea came to me at a very strange time). So, I was watching the last episode of Blackadder Goes Fourth (that's a popular British sitcom set during WWI, for those of you who are unaware) and during a scene involving the character Captain Darling I just randomly thought of Black Lagoon. The result is the newest addition to my pile of stories that now sits here before you.

I suppose you can thank/curse Theboblinator for this; he was the one who showed me Black Lagoon to begin with (which I wholeheartedly thank him for, because the series is fucking awesome!). He also helped with a lot of the decision making in regards to this story, and you guys should totally check out his own Black Lagoon story when he releases it. My character will be paired with Revy (mostly because I've never found the pairing between her and Rock quite that believable; Rock will be paired with Eda), and I want to warn you now that my character is a British man, and we're known to be rather … insensitive, to put it politely. Look up the comedians Jimmy Carr and Frankie Boyle and you'll get the idea.

Anyway, with all that official mumbo-jumbo out of the way, let's begin, Constant Readers!


How Robbing a Boat Can Cause Problems

I loaded my magnum revolver – a lovely thing I liked to call The Ambassador because of its great use in "aggressive negotiations" – using the very useful revolver quick loader I had picked up just recently. It was a very handy device, especially during a firefight. We hadn't encountered much resistance on this God damned boat, but it was always better to have the gun ready to fire, know what I mean? We'd all loaded our weapons for the happy occasion.

We? you may be asking. We're the Lagoon Company, mercenaries for hire, but because we tended to work on a boat we were more commonly referred to as pirates. We killed, we stole, we did all sorts of shit as long as we were paid for it. I'm … Grenville Gabrielson. Yes, I know, the name is fucking ridiculous, it's the bane of my existence, so just shut the fuck up about it. Anyone who knows what's good for them calls me either Gren or Gabe, so remember that. Or, if they're feeling like a gangster, people can call me Double G, though I prefer them not to.

The Ambassador itself was a large black gun with a grip that looked somewhat like furnished wood. The chambers that the bullets went into were a shining silver and there were silver accents all along the barrel, along with a silver imitation of a bullet right at the end. There were small, circular holes along the barrel which were meant to insulate the heat when the bullets shot out.

Right now, the three of us were pointing our guns at a Japanese man.

Dutch punched the Japanese man in the face, and he fell to the floor with a bleeding nose. "All right, Mr Japanese," said Dutch. "I'll ask you one more time. The package you got from the Asahi Industry headquarters in Tokyo, the one you're in charge of until you hand it over to the chief in Bornyo," Dutch pulled out an encased disk from the bag he had taken from the Japanese man, "this is it, right?"

Dutch was an incredibly large and muscular black man with no hair to speak of other than his short black beard. He was in either his thirties or his forties, none of us are really sure, and his eye colour was indiscernible due to the round sunglasses he wore that reminded me somewhat of Laurence Fishburne's character from The Matrix. He wore a flak jacket, military fatigues, and a pair of Vietnam War-era jungle boots.

"… Yeah," the Japanese man said, holding his bleeding nose. He had short, unkempt black hair with matching eyes, a sun tan – probably from being on this ship and exposed to the sunlight – and wore a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a green tie. "But what I wanna know is—"

"We're all done with you now," Dutch said, cutting him off. "You've given us what we wanted."

"Dutch, this is a pain in the ass," said Revy. "I say we kneecap this pussy. There'll be no secrets after that."

I turned to face her, and as usual my dick started stiffening in my trousers the second I caught sight of her. She was a Chinese-American woman in her mid-twenties with a slightly tanned skin tone. She had amber-brown eyes and plum-coloured hair styled in a ponytail, with a few bangs hanging down over her forehead. What got my dick hard, though, was what she was wearing. A pair of very short cut-off jeans, Vietnam War-era US military jungle boots, and a black crop top which showed off her nicely shaped breasts and her toned stomach. The muscles of her arms and legs only served to emphasise just how sexy she was. She also wore fingerless gloves, and wore a pair of brown leather cross-draw holsters in which she stored her twin Berettas, which she called her Cutlasses. She had a tribal tattoo on her upper-right arm which reached to her neck.

"As much as I normally love fucking people up with you, Revy," I said, "there really isn't any need to at the moment. We've got what we're being paid to get. Besides, it's no fun if they're not armed."

God, I wish they were armed … I thought. This job was boring. There was no other way to put it, it was just a stupid fucking waste of our time. There wasn't a single gun on this fucking boat except for the ones we had brought with us, and I wasn't going to go and start shooting up my friends, was I? I had so much energy pent up, I needed to shoot someone.

"Gren's right, Revy," said Dutch. "That disk's more than enough for the compensation."

Revy sighed. "You call that compensation?"

"Dutch," came Benny's voice over Dutch's radio. "Hey, Dutch. You through with them yet? There's something headed straight for us from Sudic Bay. It's probably a patrol boat from the Philippino navy."

"Don't worry, Benny-boy," said Dutch. "It's all been taken care of. Start the engines." He turned to the other occupants of the boat, all of whom were cowering away from us. "Now listen up, gentlemen! We're gonna disappear, and then you'll all be free to go! But I'm warning you, the deal's off if anyone decides to come after us! What you see there," he gestured to our boat – the Black Lagoon – and the equipment that was on the deck, "is a torpedo launcher. If you don't want to float home on what's left of your ship, I recommend you stay put for the next half hour!"

"You're not the only one who's disappointed with this shitty job," I said to Revy, who was scowling. "I'm pumped right the fuck up for some action, but apparently this job is the fast and boring kind."

"Kinda like you in bed, then," Revy said, smirking at me. I scowled at her, and she laughed.

Even the Japanese guy with the nosebleed let slip a little chuckle. "Shut the fuck up, you cunt," I warned him, pointing The Ambassador in his general direction. He shut up pretty quickly.

Revy put a friendly arm around my shoulder, and moved to whisper in my ear. "Maybe we can find another way to get rid of all that pent up energy." She moved away from me, a wide grin on her face.

I felt an erection growing in my trousers at the thought of what she had just implied. Revy and I had this arrangement, you see; I believe the term most people use is "friends with benefits," but Revy tended to refer to me as her "fuck buddy." Neither of us were really the type to go in for a serious relationship – especially when one considers our line of work – but we still had certain needs to attend to, certain itches that needed to be scratched, you get the idea. I quite liked the arrangement we had, and if what Revy said every now and then was any indication, she was a big fan, too.

"Come on, you two, we're leaving!" Dutch called over to us.

The Japanese man sighed, and I heard him mutter, "We're gonna live …"

Then Revy was standing next to him with one of her Berettas pointed at his head. "Why are you looking so relaxed?" she said. "You're gonna tag along with us, dumbass."

"… You're joking?" the Japanese man said. "You're joking … right?"

Revy forced her gun into his cheek. "Shut up and walk," she ordered.

I groaned. "Are you taking the fucking piss?" I said to Revy. "This job's bad enough already, are you really suggesting we take this cockwomble on the boat with us?"

"Think about it for a second, would you, Gren?" said Revy. "We're not getting paid nearly enough for this bullshit. If we can ransom this guy, we might even be able to double our money."

I sighed. More money would be nice. "All right, I see your point." I looked at our new hostage. "You heard the lady. Get on the fucking boat."

Only a few moments later, we were off that boat and moving.

"YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT!?" screamed our hostage. We were on the Black Lagoon, speeding across the ocean. We were standing on the deck, Revy with her gun pointed at the hostage's back as he screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Does it look like we're fucking joking?" I said. This guy was so thick it was unbelievable. "Mate, you're standing on our boat with a gun pointed at your fucking back. If this was a joke, we would've stopped before we took you off the God damn ship, wouldn't we? Fucking retard …" I sighed. The boat was long out of sight now, so there really was no need to keep threatening him. "Revy, put the gun down, he ain't going anywhere unless he has a death wish."

Revy hesitantly lowered her gun, though she didn't put it away. I hadn't expected her to. I still had The Ambassador firmly gripped in my right hand, and if our hostage tried to make a run for it I would shoot him myself.


"Revy, just what the hell do you plan to do with this hostage now that you've brought him with us, huh?" Dutch asked angrily. "Come on!"

Revy was sat down with one leg crossed over the other, eyes closed relaxedly. The hostage was sitting on his knees quietly. I was standing just beside Revy, my arms crossed over my chest, keeping one eye on the hostage at all times. I absentmindedly pulled the black leather glove I wore on my right hand tighter. I flexed my fingers, fully prepared to pull out The Ambassador should the hostage try to make a run for it. We were below deck on the Black Lagoon now.

"You don't get it, do ya?" said Revy. "You just don't get it, do ya, Dutch? Think about it. We're getting paid twenty grand for this job." She stuck her index and middle fingers up at Dutch. "Only twenty grand! What's wrong with getting a bonus by asking for a ransom?"

"You're being too simple-minded," Benny said from the other room. He was an American man with a blonde ponytail and some stubble on his chin. His eyes were brown and he wore a pair of thin square-rimmed glasses. He wore an orange Hawaiian shirt patterned with green leaves. He was typing something up on his computer, as he was quite a lot of the time when he wasn't driving the boat.

"She does have a point," I said. "I mean, we went to all this trouble to get a lousy fucking disk, and we ain't even getting paid well for it. If we can make more money from this than we would normally, then I'm all for it."

Benny sighed and shook his head. "Of course you would agree with her, loverboy," he said.

"You wanna fucking die, Benny!?" Revy and I shouted at the same time.

"No thanks," Benny said, smirking and leaning back in his chair.

"You know neither of us go in for that shit," I said.

"Yeah, so why don't you just shut the fuck up?" said Revy.

"Who's gonna negotiate with Japan?" Dutch asked. He was probably trying to defuse the fight that seemed to be about to break out.

"Negotiation is what The Ambassador is for," I said, taking my revolver out of its holster on my belt and waving it in the air. "They can either pay up or this winky-eyed motherfucker's brain will become sustenance for passing fish." They had all gotten used to my slightly racist remarks by now – I wasn't a racist, I just had a really crude way of talking about people I didn't know.

"Do you have their phone number?" Dutch asked. "How about a bank account to receive the ransom payment?"

Revy growled and pulled out one of her Berettas, aiming it in the general direction of the hostage. "Fine, then!" she yelled. "We'll just shoot his ass and toss him overboard!" She began firing her gun in the direction of the hostage, who's first move – a rather intelligent one in my opinion – was to hit the deck so that all the bullets would fly over him.

"Dammit, Revy, don't damage the ship!" Dutch shouted.

"Shut up!" Revy yelled back.

"Jesus Christ, Revy!" I said. Dutch and I both approached her at once. Revy and I had a very similar sense of fun, what with all the shooting and the murder and such, but I tended to at least think about things before I did them. As much as I would have loved to blow the hostage's brains out and throw him overboard, it wouldn't really do anything for us. If anything, it just damaged the boat. And so that's why I grabbed one arm and pinned it behind her back, and Dutch grabbed the one holding the gun and pointed it into the air.

That hostage was one lucky bastard. The bullets hit everywhere around where he was, but not one of them hit him.

"Guys!" said Revy, struggling against us. "Gren, Dutch, I get it!"

"You get what?" said Dutch.

"I get your point now, so let me go," said Revy.

"Okay, Revy. Let's play it cool."

We released our holds on her arms, and she stood back up and shook herself.

"I'm alive …" said our hostage, struggling to speak through his own heavy breathing. "I don't know why, but somehow I'm alive …"

"All right, all right," said Dutch, walking over and kneeling down next to the hostage. "Let's go topside for a smoke." He pulled the hostage to his feet and dragged him out onto the deck.

I turned to Revy, who was quietly grumbling to herself. "Sorry about that," I said to her, genuinely apologetic. "But Dutch is the boss. And besides, it would have been a better idea to take him up on deck and shoot him there. Less chance of the boat getting damaged, and all the blood and brain and shit would get blown into the water, so less cleaning up, an' all." I grinned at my own joke.

Revy glared at me. "When are you gonna stop being someone else's lap dog?" she asked me.

I shrugged. "Force of habit, I'm afraid," I said. "I've always just done what I'm told."

"Except in the bedroom." Revy smirked. "You can't just be a good boy and do as you're told when it comes to fucking, can you? You just have to make it hard for me."

"How would we do it otherwise?" I said, grinning.

"Hey, guys, still here, remember?" Benny said from the other room.

"Aw, what's wrong, Benny?" I asked. "Do you really find it so hard to get laid that a little sex talk makes you uncomfortable?" Revy and I burst out laughing.

Benny shook his head at us. "Honestly, you two, get a room or something," he said.

"Oh, don't worry," said Revy, leaning nearer to me to whisper into my ear. "We'll find one as soon as we're done with this shit."

I looked at her, grinning. "I look forward to it," I said.

My growing excitement and eagerness to get this job over and done with was made evident to the world by the tent in my pants.


It was night by the time we brought the Black Lagoon to port. Revy stepped off the boat and onto the docks, and then so did I. There was very little light other than what the moon provided, so seeing wasn't as easy as it could have been, but we had been to this place before and at later times. We knew our way around by now.

Dutch got off after me. "So, you gonna join us, Rock?" he said.

"Rock?" our hostage said.

"I think he means you," Benny said to him.

"Yeah, come on, mate," I said, looking back at him. "Let's get pissed off our arses. You could probably use a drink after today."

"Yeah, you coming or what?" said Benny.

"… Where are you going?" asked Rock.

"Some place to get a drink, like Gabe said."

"But … aren't I a hostage?" Rock asked. He sounded confused, and I honestly couldn't blame him for that.

"Yeah, you are," I said. "And we need to keep an eye on you, don't we? So get off the fucking boat and come down the pub with us, yeah?" Benny and I started to walk off after Revy and Dutch.

"… Wait, I'm coming, too!" said Rock, before leaving the boat and walking with us.

We walked through town – a riled up mess of hookers, drug dealers, and alcoholics – until we got to a little place called "Yellowflag." As I said, it was a pub, and it was full of people. There was a gun within reaching distance of literally every single person in there, so despite the relatively calm atmosphere it could still unnerve first-timers – like Rock, for instance. Some people gambled, others just drank; as long as you don't cause trouble, you can do pretty much whatever you want in this place.

"I don't get it," Rock said as we sat down at the bar. Benny sat at the end; Rock sat by him; then it was Dutch; then me; and finally Revy. "Why is there a gun on every table? Is this the so-called 'bar at the end of the world' you see in westerns?"

"Good analogy," said Dutch. "This place was founded by the Southern Vietnamese soldiers who survived the war. They started taking in fugitive soldiers, too, and before we knew it the place had gone straight to hell."

As if to illustrate his point, someone smashed a bottle on someone else's head behind us.

"Good booze, though," I said. I picked up my glass of whiskey – a full glass, not half-full like most pussies have it – and downed the entire thing in a few short gulps. I didn't even feel light-headed.

"Hookers, junkies, mercenaries, hitmen" Dutch said. "Irredeemable criminals, every one of them. Don't like it?"

"Japanese pubs …" said Rock. "I don't know, I just love those unguarded smiles … But places like this … I usually try to avoid confrontations."

"Your expression says it all," said Dutch. He stood from his seat and started walking away. "Benny, I'm gonna make a call."

"Sure," said Benny. He looked at Rock. "Dutch is a little bit unusual. After being around him for two years, all I can tell you is he's tough, intelligent, and eccentric."

"And he has no discernible sense of humour," I added. "I swear, I'm gonna get him to laugh one of these days, just you fucking watch."

"You keep telling yourself that, Gabe," said Benny.

"You seem different from the other people around here," Rock said to Benny. "Where'd you come from?"

"A college in Florida," said Benny. "I was fooling around and managed to piss off the Mafia and the FBI at the same time. And then—"

"Yours truly stepped in and saved his ass before it was stuffed in a bag and thrown overboard," Revy said. "Stop the worthless storytelling. You're too young to be reminiscing. Now," she poured a glass full of rum, "it's time for us to go shot for shot. We came all the way here for a drink." She pushed the glass past me and over to Rock. "Let's talk about something a little more interesting, Mr Japanese."

"This is …" said Rock, staring down at the full glass in front of him.

Revy filled her own glass, picked it up, and chuckled. Then she put the glass to her lips, and drank the whole thing in a few short gulps. She sighed out a satisfied breath as she pulled the glass away from her lips, and turned around, putting her legs on my lap and crossing them over each other. That'll be the alcohol taking effect. She tended to get a little more … forward with her flirting when she was consuming alcohol.

"You ask me, beer's no different from piss," she said to Rock over my shoulder. "That stuff'll never get you drunk. A real man takes rum." She leaned her elbow on the bar and rested her head on her hand. "But, if you don't even have the balls to keep up with a woman, then I'm not gonna try and force you … though I might wanna put you in a dress with some pretty ribbons and take you out for a night of dancing."

Rock's fist hit the table, getting my and Revy's attention. "As a rule, I hate chugging drinks like I'm some teenager!" said Rock. He looked a little pissed off. Revy had that effect on people; hell, so did I sometimes. "But I'll make an exception." Amazingly, when he tipped that rum down his throat, he drank it at about the same speed that Revy had, maybe even quicker. He slammed the glass down on the table and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "I was forced to drink at college. We're forced to drink at company social events. Never underestimate a Japanese business man!"

I found myself grinning by the time he had finished. A couple of hours ago I had been really annoyed by his presence, but I liked this guy! The scowl on Revy's face said it all; she hadn't been expecting him to fight back like he had, and the shock of it was pissing her off. His cheeks now had a red flush to them, so his alcohol tolerance might not have been as high as his little speech would make out, but I admired the man simply for having the balls to pick any kind of fight with Revy.

Rock stood up, grinning a wide grin at Revy. She stood up, too, practically growling at him. The two of them got right in each other's faces, glaring at one another.

"Hey, bartender!" said Revy.

"Bring us all the bacardi you got, right now!" Revy and Rock yelled at the same time.

"Well, what do you know," said Benny, grinning at me from ear to ear. "Maybe they're the lovebirds now."

For some reason, I'm not quite sure why, that statement pissed me off more than any of the comments he had made about Revy and I being "lovebirds" ever had. I stood up, scowling – which was apparently more terrifying than it normally was if Benny's slightly wide-eyed expression was anything to go by – and said: "Bartender! Get me a couple of bottles of Spirytus Rektyfikowany and a pint glass!"

"A-a couple of bottles and a pint glass …?" the bartender, a man named Bao, said, wide-eyed.

"That's what I said, you lobotomised shitlark," I said. "Are you fucking deaf or something, mate?"

Bao went to get what I asked for, muttering something about "alcohol poisoning." I did see his point; the stuff I was asking for was a Polish rectified spirit, and it was ninety-five percent alcohol. Most people would die after drinking a bottle of that … but I'm not most people.

Bao put the glass and two bottles of the stuff in front of me. I grinned. "Thank you," I said. Then I opened one of the bottles, poured the drink into the pint glass until it was full to the top, then put the glass to my lips and started drinking. The booze was cool as it went down my throat, and I didn't ever remove my lips from the glass. It took a few moments but I downed the entire thing, and I didn't even break a motherfucking sweat!

"How in the hell do you hold that?" Rock said to me.

I grinned at him. "Two years in Glasgow, my friend," I said. "You wanna build up a high tolerance to alcohol? Try drinking with the Scottish sometime, it's a whole different experience. I once walked into a pub in Glasgow and asked for a bacardi, and the bartender told me they didn't do cocktails."

Revy laughed loudly, then downed another glass of bacardi, as did Rock.

"God, you're sexy when you drink like this," Revy said to me.

The next thing I knew I was in a lip-lock with her, and Rock was staring at us with wide eyes. It didn't take long before our tongues found each other and we began to resume that never-ending war our tongues had whenever our mouths met. I brought up my gloved right hand and used it to squeeze and massage her left breast, while my pale-skinned left hand found her ass and began rubbing it through her jeans.

There were only two situations we did this in. One, in one of our apartments if we needed some stress relief. Two, when there was alcohol involved.

Some of my curly, dark brown hair fell in front of my eyes, and I briefly raised my right hand from Revy's breast to brush it away. I could see the rose-colour of my eyes reflected back at me in her brown ones. My face was heating up and my dick was getting hard, but then we pulled away from each other for air and the massive amount of drinking continued. I downed another pint of my spirits, and Revy and Rock continued their little competition of who could drink the most rum.

How adorable people with a low alcohol tolerance were.

I was halfway through my fourth pint, and Rock and Revy were about to start on their eighth (I think) glass of bacardi, when three small black objects bounced in through the open doors of the pub.

I got one good look at the objects and, without even really thinking about it, dived behind the bar. Revy followed shortly after.

BANG!

The sound of the grenades exploding rang through the air. Then the gunfire started. They sounded like machine guns or assault rifles, or something. Whatever they were, they were rapid-fire weaponry, and there were a fucking lot of them. I heard the unmistakable sound of bullets tearing through flesh a little way away, and I knew that some poor bastard had just had most of his guts blown out of him. A moment after the gunfire started, Rock came crawling around the bar. Smart guy. He had hit the deck when the grenades blew.

"Revy! Gabe!" Bao shouted at us. "If these assholes are your friends, then you'd better deal with 'em!"

"Don't know 'em," said Revy. She downed the rest of her rum, which she had apparently brought behind the bar with her.

I drew The Ambassador from its holster and held it up beside my head. "Whoever these cunts are, they just interrupted our drinking time," I said. "And that alone is a good excuse to blow 'em full o' fucking holes in my book."

Bullets continued to fly, and there was the distinct sound of bullets hitting metal just behind us.

"Wow, you bulletproofed the bar, huh?" said Revy.

"Yep," said Bao with pride in his tone and a grin on his face. "It can handle anything up to fifty calibre."

"Revy!? Gren!?" I heard Dutch shout.

"We're okay!" the two of us shouted at the same time.

"Benny!?"

"Miraculously I'm alive!" I heard Benny shout from somewhere. He sounded quite panicked.

"And Rock!?"

"Dead!" Rock yelled at the top of his lungs. I didn't quite understand the rest of what he said, he was rambling quite a lot. I think he said something about graduating and a corporation … I don't know, and I don't particularly care much, either. I understood the very last thing he said, though. "It isn't fair!"

"Don't cry, dipshit," said Revy, loading one of her Berettas. "Don't you know you gotta enjoy life, or it'll slip away?"

I heard another grenade blow up somewhere.

"Revy!" came Dutch's voice again. "I think now's a good time to show 'em why you're called Two-Hands!"

Oh, yes, I thought, a grin growing on my face. Now the fun begins.

The gunfire stopped suddenly.

"Secure the building!" I heard a man say, accompanied by the sound of quite a few people entering the building. "I heard voices. And there's nothing I hate more than survivors."

The grin on Revy's face actually turned me on a little. "What a great line," she said. Groaning could be heard, which stopped when a gunshot rang out, and then Revy jumped the counter. I poked my head over the top; I didn't want to miss the show.

She leapt off the counter and shot a guy multiple times with one of her Cutlasses. Then, when they all started shooting at her, she dived to the side and flipped, shooting both of her Berettas at once and putting down two more of them. She landed on her feet, kicked off into the air, fired one shot into a man's chest, then landed on him, knocking him to the floor.

The she came back to the counter, jumped back over it, and rejoined us. I lowered my head when the bastards started firing at us again.

"You are so sexy when you do that," I said to Revy, who grinned at me. I was getting another erection, which probably wasn't healthy in the middle of a gunfight.

"You pains in the ass!" said Bao. "How many times have you guys destroyed my bar!?"

"Destroying the bar builds character," I said.

A guy jumped on the counter, and Bao shot him down with a shotgun. "You guys owe me for all this damage, understand!?" he said. "Or else I'm gonna weld your assholes shut and make new ones on your heads!"

"Enough chit-chat," I said, my trigger finger twitching as I held onto The Ambassador. "Time to kill all sons of bitches!"

"Dutch!" Revy yelled.

More gunfire could be heard, and the bullets stopped hitting the bulletproof bar behind us. That meant Dutch's distraction had worked. I stood up from behind the bar, as did Revy, and while she jumped onto the counter and shot two guys in the chest, I simply stood up, took careful aim on one of the assholes trying to kill us, and fired a clean shot right through his fucking head. Brain, blood, and bits of skull exploded from his head, and I grinned in satisfaction.

For the first time since this fight started I wasn't focused on what Revy was doing. If I did that, I'd die, no questions asked.

I saw another guy aiming at me. Quickly, I turned my revolver toward him, firing without really aiming properly. I heard his ribs crack apart, and saw fragments of them flying outward, as I shot him in the chest. He dropped like a sack of spuds.

I was forced to duck behind the bar as one of them fired some shots at me. The firing stopped, and I stood back up to find him reloading his assault rifle. I took aim and fired, blowing the top half of his head clean off and sending him to the ground in a mess of blood and gore.

Another one took aim at me, this one wearing slightly more body armour than the others. I put three shots in his chest at around the same place, and he went down. With quick fingers, I tipped the empty shells from my revolver and used a quick loader to put in a fresh set of six bullets.

I decided to a sadistic bastard with the next one. He came running at me, took aim, but before he could fire I shot him right between the legs. I even heard a pop as I ruptured both of his testicles. I grinned in satisfaction, then fired a shot into his head to put him out of his misery.

I felt a shot whiz by my ear, and turned in the direction it came from. I fired a shot blindly, and luckily I managed to shoot him in his left eye, and he died pretty much instantly.

"I hate to break it to you, but at this point I'd say that trading you is no longer an option!" I heard Dutch say. I assumed he was talking to Rock.

"Then what's gonna happen to me!?" Rock shouted back.

"You weren't part of our plan to begin with," said Dutch. "How 'bout we just part ways here?"

I shot another man in the side. His guts spilled out and he fell to the floor, but I wasn't sure if he was dead or not.

"That's not fair!" yelled Rock. "I'm gonna die here! Take me with you!"

"Fine, then," said Dutch. "But we can't have you slowing us down. Revy! Gren! We're leaving!"

I was about to shoot another one, but a bunch of blood-spewing bullet holes appeared on him and he collapsed. I looked at Revy and saw her sporting a shit-eating grin. "Got ya!" she yelled.

"Pegging it certainly sounds like a valid option!" I shouted.

Dutch barged open the back door, and we all ran out of it, Revy and I shooting back into the building behind us. I stopped when I ran out of ammo again. There were two guys out back, but a few shots from Dutch's Smith & Wesson put them out of our misery.

A car skidded to a stop beside us, and Benny pushed the door open from inside. "Get in!" he shouted.

We all got into the car, Dutch still firing as the ones in the pub chased us out, and then Benny hit the gas pedal and we were off.

"Take this, cocksuckers!" Revy shouted, pulling out the pin of a grenade with her teeth and throwing it at our pursuers. The explosion seemed to dissuade them from chasing us any further.

"Nice touch," I said.

"Thanks," said Revy. "Hey, Dutch. Bao was so pissed off he looked like a steaming pot. He said unless we pay him back he's gonna weld our assholes."

"That's scary," Dutch said without a hint of emotion. "I think I'm gonna cry."

"What the hell is this …?" I heard Rock mutter.

"The life, Rock," I said. I couldn't keep the grin off my face. My blood was pumping through my veins violently. The adrenaline rush I had gotten from the gunfight was going to last for a while. "This is the fucking life!"

"… It's like I'm in a movie or something …" Rock muttered.

"Don't be so stupid," said Revy. "This shit's more entertaining than Hollywood's ever gonna be."

Revy and I were very much in agreement.


It was very early morning the next day. We were on the Black Lagoon, and I hadn't slept a wink. It wasn't for the good reason I normally didn't get any sleep, either. My blood was still pumping from the night before, and technically we were still on the job, so I just didn't feel like I could sleep. I was in a room with Rock and Dutch, who was currently in the driver's seat.

"If we maintain this speed, we should reach Belawan Port by daybreak," said Dutch. "We'll meet Balalaika there. So, Rock."

"Huh?" said Rock.

"Benny is getting in touch with your company as we speak," said Dutch. "If negotiations don't go well, we're gonna have to leave you in Malaya. I'm sorry. The place is crawling with lowlifes and bandits, but you should survive for a while. Okay?"

"Are you serious!?" Rock said angrily. He stood up from his spot on the floor, and man did he look pissed. "You brought me this far just to let me die!? What is this!? After dragging me everywhere, you're the ones who brought me here, the least you could do is leave me some place safe!"

"I wouldn't push your luck," said Revy. She was poking her head out from below deck, and she was scowling at Rock, glaring at him.

"Rock, we fucking kidnapped you, you spastic," I said, crossing my arms over my chest as I leaned against the wall. "You had an opportunity to leave back at the pub, but you didn't fucking take it. I think we're well within our rights to leave you where we damn well please." Just because I liked the guy didn't mean I was going to put up with his whiny bullshit.

"You wanna use us like a taxi?" Revy said. She walked over and pointed one of her Berettas at the side of Rock's head. "I know. Why don't I do you a fucking favour and show you what colour your brain is?"

"Wait!" Rock said, putting his hands up.

"I wouldn't," I said to Revy. Rock looked at me with a hopeful expression, but it died when I spoke next. "Wait until we know if his company will pay for him. If they won't, then you can blow his brains all over the wall."

"Aaaaand we're connected," said Benny from below deck. "We're using an assault dial, so the line should be totally secure."

"Rock," said Dutch, holding out an earpiece. "It's your boss, Mr Kageyama."

Rock rushed over, knocking Revy slightly as he went past, and took the small radio. He put it to his ear and spoke into the microphone. "Hello, sir! Okajima speaking, I'm very sorry. Now, regarding the loss of the disk, I—" He suddenly went quiet, like he had been cut off. "… I don't understand …" There was confusion in his voice. More silence. His eyes widened, and he began to look very nervous.

A few moments later he was running onto the deck, and he began to throw up over the side of the boat. Revy and I followed after him on Dutch's orders. We got a short version of what had happened – basically, Rock's company had been doing some nuke smuggling, and the details were on the disk. Now that Rock knew, he was dead weight, so they basically told him to die out here.

"They weren't worried about ditching you," said Revy. "Though I guess I can sympathise. Anyway, there goes the ransom, which means I don't get a bonus."

"Shit, I'd have liked the extra dosh, too, Revy," I said. "Though I guess the gunfight was enough to make up for whatever money that ransom would've got us."

"Is all this really enough to make you throw up?" Revy asked Rock.

"Just leave me alone!" said Rock.

"Revy, Gabe, are you up on deck?"asked Benny over our earpiece radios. I had taken mine off while in the boat, but put it back on once I'd gotten on deck.

"Yep," I said into the mic.

"I'm picking up something, and it's coming straight at us, but it's not a boat. It's way too fast. It's at three hours, five minutes, can you see anything?"

Revy and I looked, and … Oh shit, I thought as the gunship came into view. It was a big armoured helicopter that looked like it could sink us five times over.

"It's a gunship!" Revy said into her mic. "Minimum altitude!"

The wind whipped through my turquoise hair as the gunship passed – very low – over us. The boat began to speed up, and I knew that Dutch must be trying to get us the hell out of there. I just wasn't sure we would be able to outrun this fucking thing.

"Yo, Rock! Heads up!" Revy said, throwing Rock an assault rifle.

"A gun? I don't want it!" said Rock.

"Give it here, then!" I said, yanking it from his grip. As much as I liked The Ambassador, I'm afraid my trusty revolver just wasn't going to cut it in this instance.

"He's coming!" Benny yelled over the radio. "He's gonna bite our ass!"

"This isn't good!" said Dutch. "We're in serious shit!"

The gunship fired off two very loud shots which collided with the water on either side of the Black Lagoon, sending up large splashes of water.

"He's firing at us!" Rock shouted in panic.

"No shit, Sherlock!" I shouted right back, firing the assault rifle up at the gunship. Only a few of my shots hit; I wasn't used to fully automatic weapons.

Rock dived to the floor and started screaming as more shots rained down on us.

"I'm pretty sure I know it's not good, Dutch!" Revy said. She began firing the massive antiaircraft gun – which somewhat resembled a giant grey sniper rifle – but the gunship kept moving and none of her shots hit.

"Hit it!" Rock yelled. He had rolled into a rather precarious place in an attempt to find cover. "Shoot it down!"

"Shut up!" Revy shouted at him.

"Yeah, some of us are actually trying to save our sorry arses here!" I said. I looked at him, glaring. "You do realise you're hiding underneath a torpedo, don't you, ya fucking retard!?" I went back to firing my assault rifle at the gunship. Even the bullets that hit did next to nothing, but I wasn't going to go down without a fight.

"YOU DUMBASS!" I heard Revy shout. I looked, and saw that Rock was putting on a life jacket.

"I've had it with you guys!" he said. "I'm getting the hell outta here!"

You fucking idiot, I thought, narrowing my eyes at him. "Don't you fucking realise most of their shots are hitting the fucking water!?"

Revy tackled him to the ground and pinned him down. "You limp-dicked son of a bitch!" she growled. "You running away!?"

"Stop it!" said Rock. "Why do I have to suffer like this!? I can't take it any more!"

He thinks this is suffering? I thought, shaking my head. Boy, you don't even know the meaning of the word.

One of the gunship's shots hit home, and a small fire broke out on the top of our boat.

"Fuck!" I yelled. There were now large, smoking bullet holes in the deck of the ship. Luckily, they didn't seem to have punched through to the bottom, otherwise we'd have been sinking right now.

"Dammit!" Rock yelled, smacking the deck with his fist. "You all seem to think you can do and say anything you want to me! Everyone! Even my damn boss!" He stood up, knocking Revy off of him, and snatched the assault rifle from my hands. "Will someone tell me why the hell I have to suffer like this!?" He hurled the assault rifle overboard in what appeared to be sheer frustration.

I couldn't even get angry. That assault rifle was doing fuck-all, anyway.


And that's a wrap, people! I get the feeling the Revy/OC pairing isn't going to be that popular, and I'm sorry if you feel that way, but I honestly thought the pairing between her and Rock just didn't work. With that out of the way, what did you think about the chapter as a whole? I'll admit it's not my best work, but I've never really written for a series like Black Lagoon before, so please bear with me.

I'd once again like to thank Theboblinator for the help he has provided with this story, and you should all look forward to his future Black Lagoon story, as well.

See you next time!