Chapter 13: Problems With Presents
Disclaimer: T.U.F.F. Puppy is owned by Butch Hartman, not me. Sorry it took so long for me to update. I'm so glad this story already has two reviews, I would love more. WARNING: Possibly boring chapter.
"When July became December, their affection fought the cold. But they couldn't quite remember
what inspired them to go." - Panic! At the Disco, "Memories."
It was the 6th of December already. How time flew when you were in love. Maria walked down the aisles of Walrus-Mart in search of Christmas presents for her loved ones.
What to get them all? Aside from members of her extended family, she was looking for five presents. One for her dad, one for her mom, one for Mario, one for the Chameleon, and possibly one for Mr. Fowl. And maybe something for the baby, who wasn't due for months. And she didn't even know if it was a boy or girl! No one did, except Dr. Marten. Her parents told him not to tell because they wanted to be surprised.
Let's see . . . for her mom, that brand of rare Colombian café.
For Dad, the new movie with British leopard Anthony Spotkins, best known for playing serial killer Dr. Hannibal Leopard.
For Mario, that fedora he's been wanting forever.
For Mr. Fowl, maybe a Lady Haha T-shirt, as he was a huge fan, just like her and the Chameleon. Maybe the one that said "Don't Be a Drag, Just Be a Queen" on it.
For the baby, something she made herself. Like a mobile.
And for the Chameleon . . . she didn't know. As she had never had a boyfriend before, she didn't know what to get one for Christmas. What do guys like? Cologne? No, she already liked how he smelled. Technology? Possibly, but he already had a lot, most of which he created himself. Watches and jewelry? Coffee? Maybe. Golf balls, clubs, or tees? Ew. She hoped he didn't like golf. Sports memorabilia? Not likely. He didn't seem like much of an athlete. She remembered him saying how much his gym teacher, Coach Delvecchio, used to torment him in 7th grade, even though the Chameleon had an excuse from the nurse. What a jerk! If she ever met him, she would probably strangle him on the spot. She had always hated gym class too. She could barely do one push-up, while the Chameleon couldn't even do that many.
Come on! Think, Maria, think! What is the right present for the Chameleon?
Then it occurred to her. Perfect!
Maria left the store with her purchases, feeling satisfied, when she saw something black and green in the corner of her eye. Sure enough, it was her boyfriend, and he was shivering. Well, of course he would be! He was a reptile, and it had been snowing for twenty-five minutes.
The Chameleon had several problems. One, it was too damn cold! He could try raising the temperature of Petropolis. Yeah, look how well that turned out the first time! (A.N: See the episode "Hot Dog.") He also could wear a coat, but that wasn't very evil.
Of course, he hadn't done much evil lately. In a way, this was his second problem. He was losing his edge, his well-deserved bad reputation. And he think he knew the reason: Maria Claire Foxxy. His neighbor, his angel, his reason for living. She was motivating him to do good. He kind of liked it. But he didn't know if he could reform. He didn't know if he was ready or ever would be. But what did he care? He had the love of a beautiful girl, and he might even get a taste for heroics in time.
The Chameleon's third problem was very similar to Maria's: Christmas. All the other villains made fun of him because he actually liked celebrating it. Though that one year he had tried to help two other villains stop Christmas from coming. Of course they failed.
But this year was different. This year he had someone to spend Christmas with. Someone to buy presents for.
And that was the problem. He had no clue what to get Maria, his first serious girlfriend in God-knows-how-long. Come on, man! You must know what girls like! You had a sister and a couple girlfriends in your time. You must have some idea!
And he wasn't just buying presents for her. He wanted to get some for Mario, Marge, the baby, and even that awful old grouch Malcolm, who had despised him from day one. In a weird way, he considered them his family now. The only family he had since he had the . . . er, falling out with his sister Camille.
Well, what did he know about her? She was really good at art. That was a good start. What else? She liked Lady Haha. Good, good. Also, in his experience, most girls seemed to like jewelry, flowers, clothes, chocolates, things like that.
What if he got her something she already had? What if she hated his present? Well, she was probably too polite to actually say she hated it, but still. He wanted her gift to be special. If only he knew her a little better. . .
Then he got an idea. Who knew Maria better than her little brother? Mario said she told him everything. If anyone could help him, he could.
"Chameleon!" He heard his angel calling him.
"Maria!" He swept her off her feet and kissed her passionately.
"What are you doing? You must be freezing to death! Don't you have a coat?" He shook his head. "Then, I'll buy you one. Come on."
"No, no, no. Please don't. I don't want you spending your money on me. I'm not even worthy to have you spend time with me, much less money on me."
"Nonsense! Money is no problem. You should know that. And that other thing you said is just ridiculous. I insist on buying you a new coat."
"And I insist you don't. I don't need a new coat." Just then, he began shivering violently.
"Really?" She smirked and dragged him towards the Furlington Coat Factory. "Too bad." He groaned.
Maria and the Chameleon began to browse when she pulled out a green and black plaid down-filled coat. She squealed, "This is the one! It's you! Try it on!"
He sighed and slipped it on over his Molecular Transformation suit. He looked in the mirror and a smile crept over his face. "I do look kind of dashing, don't I?" She beamed. "I have to admit, though, it's not very criminal."
"I don't know, if looking devilishly handsome is a crime, you're the top offender."
He chuckled. "Oh, you've got me there."
"Let's buy it."
He looked at the price tag and his jaw hit the floor. "$210?" He shook his head. "I can't let you spend that much on me, I just can't. No, no way."
"Oh, yes, YES way!" said Maria, dragging him to the checkout counter. "You know I have money. Besides, you can't stand cold weather, can you?" He shook his head. "And you like this coat, don't you?" He nodded. "Then we're getting this coat, and that's final."
They handed the coat to the cashier, a tall grey goat with a long beard. He screamed like a girl, and stuck his hooves in the air. "Aaaaaah! The Chameleon! And with a hostage! Please, please don't hurt me!" He sank to the floor sobbing.
The Chameleon rolled his unusually large eyes. "Oh, get up. You look ridiculous. I'm not here to hurt you, you loony." The goat looked up, confused. "What's your name?"
"Roger."
"Look, Roger," says Maria, "I'm not his hostage, I'm his girlfriend! We just want to buy this coat."
A Gila monster and a goose standing in line behind them started cracking up and pointing at the couple. "What's so funny?" the Chameleon demanded. "The last time I checked, Roger's been running a coat store here, not a comedy club, isn't that right, Roger?" Roger nodded, hands trembling. He wasn't happy to see these two. They always meant trouble.
"Girlfriend, huh?" said the goose. "Are you wired? Did he blackmail you?"
"Yeah, how else could you agree to date that freak?" added the Gila monster. They continued to laugh their heads off.
"He's not a freak!" screamed Maria. "You want to see freaks? Go home and look in your mirror. I'm sure you'll see some real freaks there. Besides, I find him more attractive than both of you put together."
"Who do you think you are anyway?" asked the Chameleon.
"I'm Tom," said the Gila Monster.
"And I'm Reg," said the goose. "Oh, attracted to that thing, huh? I've heard of low standards, but that's just crazy!"
"And you do know he has a criminal record, right?" said Tom.
"Of course I know," said Maria. "I also know you two are a couple of jerks, and that you have any sense at all, you'll get out of our faces at once. Isn't that right, Roger?"
"Uh. . ." said Roger, who has a bad habit of stammering, especially in confrontations like this. "Uh. . . I g-guess?"
"Oooooooooh!" said the jerks. "We're sooo scared! What're you going to do us? Are you gonna call your Daddy, Maria Foxxy?"
"You two are so stupid," said the Chameleon. "Why would she do that? Her father hates me. Why would he help defend my honor?"
"Besides," said Maria, "I wouldn't need his help. I'm telling you, you shouldn't tick off someone who has a black belt and anger issues?" Roger is on the verge of fainting, because he happens to be a rare fainting goat. "Now go find somewhere where your opinion matters, or I'll buy my man a coat somewhere else. And I was going to let Roger keep the change!"
"Come on, Tom," says Reg. "This odd couple ain't worth it." They went to look at something else.
Maria and the Chameleon finally bought the coat. "People don't seem to approve of our relationship."
"Then they can all get bent, for all I care."
"I'm so glad you talked me into getting this. But I'm still not comfortable with you spending so much on my Christmas present."
"That wasn't your real present, baby. You're going to get that on Christmas." He groaned. "Don't worry, you can spend money on me sometime."
"Listen, I was thinking maybe I could, er, talk to your brother about something."
"Oh, sure! I think you two should have some guy time. That would be great."
"Do you know where we could find him?"
"Um, I think he would be making deliveries for Mr. Wong now."
SPLAT! Something cold and wet hit the Chameleon in the back. "Hey, this is a new coat, you little punk!"
Another snowball was launched their way. Maria smirked. "Found him."
This chapter turned out to be much longer than I expected. The snowball fight will resume in Chapter 14. Thanks for reading. Keep those reviews coming, people!
