"I'm telling you Sammy," Dean said angrily. "I felt it! He was in agony!"

"I know, I know," Sam replied quickly. "But it sounds kinda fishy. I mean, Amara could be planting the pain in you to make you come to her."

"But Cas might still be alive!" He put a hand on the wheel and served the Impala off the side of the road and leaned closer to Sam. "I could not live with myself if Cas is being tortured and we do nothing."

Sam slammed his hand on the wheel. "We can't go in there recklessly," he muttered, defeated

"Then make a damn plan! Here: I'll distract her and you get Cas."

Sam shuddered. "You're forgetting a key point. Lucifer."

"We can...dammit."

"Exactly."

"DAMMIT!"

Sam jumped. "Okay. Dean, calm down. You know I would do almost anything to get Cas back but you cannot ask me to go face to face with Lucifer."

"I would never make you do that, not for Cas, not for anyone." Deans face softened.

"I'm sorry but I can't. Not after..."

"Hey," Dean said. "You aren't going near him and I would die before he hurts you."

Sam smiled, reassured. "I know you would."

The smile gracing his little brothers features was more that enough thanks in Dean's book. "I know," he said quietly. "Which is how I know I can gank Amara."

"What?" Sam asked, evidently confused. "Dean what are you a planning to do?" He twisted in his seat to face Dean.

"Nothing," Dean said quickly. "I just know if I have to face her, I know how to gank the bitch."

"Can I ask how you plan on doing it?"

"No."

Sam didn't ask anymore questions, just pushed the gas and rolled back onto the empty road. He had seen it from both sides, Dean and him lying together or him being the one lied too. After so long Sam had never quite figured out if Dean was an exceptional liar to everyone but Sam or if he was actually a terrible liar but his 'male model' features charmed people out of noticing.

They drive in silence for a while, Dean picking at scabs on his broken arm until they bled and then swearing quietly at them and Sam gazing out the windows, concentrated on the road ahead. "Hey Dean," Sam asked. "Can I ask you question?"

"You just did." Dean didn't need to look up to know that Sam had just shot himself bitch face level 9 of 10.

"You know what I mean."

Dean raised his hand in mock defense. "Shoot."

"Don't hit me," Sam said. "But what are you gonna do?"

Dean hesitated, as if waiting for Sam to continue on. "Care to elaborate?"

"What will you do when you get Cas back? Are you finally gonna tell him?"

Dean was silent for a long moment. "I don't know."

"Please tell him."

"Sam! He's an Angel of the Lord! He doesn't have a soul even."

"He still has a heart," Sam said softly. "And he put it in your hands so if you don't tell him," his voice raised to almost a shout. "If you don't tell him, I will tell him for you!"

"You do that and I will shave you bald, hear that Sammy?"

"It would be worth it. Look, Dean, I want you to be happy. And don't tell me you are! You are tired, you are done! The only things keeping you going are me and Cas."

"The hell do you want me to say?" Dean stared at him. "I am tired! I am done! And at times, I do want to die! I've thought about it."

Sam stopped the car. His shaking hands were clenched to tightly that his knuckles were white. "Have you thought about how?" he whispered.

Dean didn't look at him. "No."

Sam felt his throat starting to close. "Don't lie to me." he choked.

"Yes," Dean managed. "I have thought about it." He couldn't find it in himself to lie to Sam, not when his wide puppy eyes were filled with tears like this.

"How?" Sam wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

"Dammit Sammy, don't cry," Dean said, his tone pleading.

"How?"

Dean's throat closed up. His shut his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Pills. The other option was to slit my damn wrists but I can't die with my own blood on my hands." He opened his eyes; glancing over at Sam.

"If you do that," Sam said, tearing spilling out on his cheeks. "I swear to God I will do that same. Dean, you're my big brother and you've already died so many times. I've had to carry you, drive you home. Hell, I've stitched you up when the Hellhounds tore you to shreds. And every damn time I get just a little bit closer to lying down beside you and putting a bullet through my own head, and believe me, when you die and don't come back that is exactly what I will do." Sam dropped his gaze and blinked hard to stop more tears. "The world still needs you Dean."

"No. The world needs someone who sees the light, who won't let family weigh them down. It's you they need, not me." Dean turned away, hating that his little brother was seeing his breakdown.

"Me? I started Armageddon! I'm the boy king of Hell, Lucifer's vessel! Dean, you were chosen, by God, by Michael, and by Cas. You never hurt anyone you didn't have to! There was a damn reason you got dragged out of Hell! I only got out because Cas knew you needed me!"

"Do the words 'Mark of Cain' not ring a bell? It's my fault Charlie died! My fault Kevin died! I couldn't complete the Trials so you did them! I almost killed you!" he half shouted.

"You were the reason I was still alive in the first place!"

"Yeah, I sold my soul! And it was my fault in the first place, I should have been there," Dean's voice dropped. "When I should have been there, I wasn't."

Sam shook his head. "We are not turning this into a 'Let's-see-how-many-times-Dean-Winchester-failed-to-save-his-helpless-baby-brother-while-simonioisly-saving-the-world-but-we-don't-talk-about-that-part' session."

Dean gave his a strange look. "You aren't helpless," he said after a pause.

"And you're worth more than the worlds weight in diamonds."

"Shut up."

Sam smiled, relieved at the smile on Dean's face. "Jerk," he said.

"Bitch."

AN: bromantic angst! It's my favorite to write so you will get more of it! Btw that episode last night (11x22) wow...I was speechless