AN: Hi guy's, I'm back off my holiday and back to work tomorrow :-( so I thought I'd end the weekend with chapter 13. A shorter chapter than the last few and no Swan Queen, but it's a very significant plot chapter so I hope you enjoy it. Never fear, Swan Queen feels will return in chapter 14 :-). Thank you all for continuing to read this story, and for all your wonderful reviews. You are all, very much appreciated. Please excuse any minor mistakes in this chapter, and let me know what you think!
And if I want you both?
Those words keep playing over and over again in my mind. Like a broken record they repeat on an incessant loop and I can't switch them off. I've never been in love with two people at once so I can't imagine the torment Emma must be suffering. But I do know that as the one on the outside, I'm never going to win.
After inadvertently waking myself up during our kiss I've been able to think of nothing else. I was angry at first, annoyed that my brain saw fit to interrupt such a sweet moment, but then I realised that it wasn't my brain that had made the decision. It was my heart.
Regardless of feelings and needs one of us has to rise above this. One of us has to be the one to put an end to this would be affair before it's too late. It just so happens that someone is me.
Emma has been through so much, and though I could argue that I have too, I have experience on my side. She's still young, and I can't expect her not to make youthful mistakes. I've lived twice the time she has, and the wisdom of maturity knows that if I want her to be happy then I need to step aside.
"Good afternoon, Regina."
The crisp, English accent catches me off guard and I glance from the fireplace, over my shoulder, to see Zelena stood at the bottom of the stairs.
I'm not sure when it became the norm for townsfolk to wander into ones living space without invitation but it's starting to become annoying.
"It might be nice if you'd knock before counteracting the blood spell I designed to protect my vault," I retort, failing to hide the irritation in my voice as I turn back to the fireplace.
I hear her brazen footfalls on the stone floor as she walks over to me, sitting down in the armchair adjacent to the couch I currently occupy. She offers me the patent Mills smirk, "Ah, what's a little counteraction spell between family eh?" She jokes lightly.
"Indeed," I reply, unable to argue with her logic, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't I drop in on my little sister to check that's she okay?"
A quick scan of the room shows that she came alone and I briefly wonder who it was that she entrusted with Robyn's safekeeping, given that she's still considered a villain to many in this town. Snow, instantly springs to mind.
"You can," I reply after a beat, "but since you've never had the inclination to do so before…"
My voice trails off and I can tell by the change in her expression that she's more than aware that I'm referring to our turbulent past and the violent way we first met. At least she has the decency to look a little embarrassed.
"Yes, well," She states, clearing her throat, "I didn't remember our childhood before did I."
The sharp response is a stark reminder of the memory spell our mother placed on us as children and feeling a little guilty for the harshness of my comment, I nod in solidarity. "Quite."
"I feel I should apologise for that actually," She adds awkwardly.
"For what?"
"For making it my life's ambition to destroy you," She explains. "I always thought you were the lucky one, the one that got everything. It turns out I was wrong."
Though I always knew that to be true, it feels good to finally hear her say it. To know that she now understands that like her, my life was far from perfect. Still, as much as I appreciate the gesture, her apology really isn't necessary.
"We're all guilty of making errors in judgment, Zelena," I reply, only too aware of the many I've made over the years. "It's what we do once we realise we were wrong that makes the difference."
She nods in agreement and a loving smile forms over her sometimes stern features. She looks lighter than I've ever seen her, as though the dark cloud hovering over her has finally lifted.
"I am trying to be better," She says earnestly, "for Robyn." Her eyes drift up to meet mine, "but I have to say that there are some things that I just don't get."
I take a sip of my lukewarm coffee, grateful to be discussing someone else's problems for once, "Like what?"
"Like why you're locked away down here?" She replies, loosely gesturing to my homely, underground, vault. "You've done nothing wrong. This town is quick to forget that I was with you in that final battle with…" She swallows sharply, her face paling at the thought of her lost love, "…Hades."
Despite her outward appearance it's obvious that she's still hurting and that's something I can sympathise with. The Mills women have always bared the biggest losses; I guess that's just our lot in life. Unlike me however, she doesn't dwell on the matter.
"You sacrificed the man you loved for the good of this town," She continues, failing to mention the sacrifices she made on that day, "they owe you their support."
I smile sadly, clearly remembering a time when I believed in reciprocity, "That's the thing about being a hero," I reply knowingly, "No one should ever have to owe you anything for making the right choice."
A small, confused frown creases her brow and I realise that good is still a lesson she has to learn. "Don't worry," I encourage warmly, "I struggled with that concept too at first. Besides, I'm here by choice, not force."
"I still don't think it's fair," She grumbles.
"Thank you, your concern is…" I struggle to find the right word until I realise that the right word is something based in familial love, something neither of us is familiar with, "…touching."
She smiles at me then, in the gentle way that only a sister can, and I suddenly feel so grateful that we found each other. Something tells me that we're going to need each other in the next few months.
Though her expression looks its usual, self-important way, I can detect the sadness in the depth of her eyes and wonder if anyone has taken the time to ask her how she's coping. "How are you doing?" I ask.
At first she looks surprised by the question and that just makes me sad, no one should ever think that their feelings don't count, that their grief isn't important.
"I'm okay, really," She finally replies, though her tone isn't as convincing as her words. "Robyn is great," at this her smile widens into one of true happiness, "she makes every single day worthwhile. I never imagined how fulfilling being a mother would be."
And that's another thing we have in common, the realisation that motherhood can heal all the broken, empty parts of your heart.
It still isn't the response I was looking for though.
"I meant…" I don't get to finish the sentence, or to say his name.
"I know what you meant," She cuts in, her voice edgy at being asked to address a topic that's still raw for her. "And what I did still hurts, but I could never have been happy with Hades. Not if he was determined to take my family away from me." She takes a deep breath, "Despite…that…I feel happier than I ever have. I just wish I could share a little bit of that happiness with you."
I feel warmed by her concern but quickly disregard it, "I'm fine…"
"You're not!" She replies, and I find myself wondering when we became the sort of siblings that could second guess each other. "There's a crack in the middle of Storybrooke that proves just how far from fine you are!"
I rub at my scratchy, tired eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose, "You know about that?" I ask, wishing the world would just leave me alone for a little while.
She grins pityingly, "Word travels fast in this antiquated little town of yours."
My instinct as always, is to shut down, to deny everything. But there's something in the tone of her voice, her undemanding expression, that lets me know I can talk to her.
"I'm trying to move on," I reply, finding the strength to finally open up. "I'm trying to heal my heart. But it seems to have a mind of its own and I can't control it." I shake my head, "I don't want to destroy the town but…"
"It's hard watching Emma play happy families with her pirate?" She finishes for me.
I look up, seeing a kindred spirit in the woman sat opposite me, and nod. "Yes, it's difficult to accept that Hook came back when Robin couldn't."
Her smile softens, "Harder still to watch him sail off into the sunset with the love of your life!" She adds.
Shocked that she's discovered that Emma's the real reason for the earthquakes, I open my mouth to respond but I have no idea what to say. I don't want to lie, not now we're finally in a good place, but I can't bring myself to speak the truth either. In the end I don't have too, because she does it for me.
"Oh please," She scolds affectionately, "I'm your big sister, do you honestly think that I can't see how you feel about the Saviour? I saw it the day I first entered this realm. The way you'd chase after her like an obedient pup desperate to garner her attention. It was so sweet it was sickening…"
"You knew?" I gasp, surprised that even then there was a connection between us.
She nods, "Yes. The question is, what are you going to do about it?"
I want to fight. I want to throw down my gauntlet and challenge the pirate to an old fashioned duel but what would be the point? Even if I won Emma would still pick him. My thoughts return to the same dilemma that's plagued me since I woke up.
"Nothing," I eventually reply.
Zelena is taken aback, "You do realise that she…"
"…feels the same?" I interrupt, still able to feel the phantom trace of Emma's lips against mine. "Yes, but it's too late. She's in love with Hook."
The Wicked Witch snorts derisively, "My sister defeated by a handless, misogynistic pirate?" She scoffs, "Not on my watch!"
I think of all I've said about him to Emma. The crime's I've accused him of without really knowing, and I suddenly feel bad. "He's not misogynistic," I reply, aware that I maybe should have said as much to the blonde. "Quite the opposite in fact, and if I can change then so can he…" I shrug, "He already has."
"Only because he was persistent enough to wear Emma down!" My sister argues, unconvinced. "When I first came to this town she wanted very little to do with him. I remember watching her shun every one of his advances. I heard her respond to his flirtations with biting sarcasm. What changed? If that's an example of True Love at work then I've been reading the wrong fairytales!"
Despite the bite to her words I can't deny that I haven't thought them myself a hundred times over. I don't think I'll ever know what he did to secure Emma's heart because he certainly didn't have it from the start. In fact, if that had been me, Snow would probably have accused me of cursing her precious daughter by now. But regardless of the circumstances I can't pretend that Emma's feelings for him aren't real, and I need to respect them.
"Sometimes love is blind!" I reply with a small sigh. "And anyway, I'd hardly call mine and Emma's relationship a match made in heaven. We spent the first two years trying to kill each other!"
"And you've saved each other a hundred times since," Zelena counters, much to my chagrin. "Besides, trying to kill someone requires passion, so it's arguable that there was always something between you."
I feel the persistent tugging of my heart once more. This was so much easier when I only had my own voice to contend with, but now I've got Zelena's and it's firmly fighting on my side, I can't help but question whether or not I've made the right decision by surrendering.
"It doesn't matter what may or may not lie between Emma and I," I finally reply, determined to remain realistic, "It's never going to happen."
At my sisters doubting look I'm quick to press my point, "Up until the dark curse broke my whole life was consumed with stealing happy endings. I won't do it again. Not now, and certainly not to, Emma."
She ducks her head, acknowledging my difficult position before she drops an absolute bombshell, "You might not have too."
"Excuse me?"
Suddenly renewed with hope, she slides to the end of the armchair, "Have you ever heard of, Thanatos?" She asks almost gleefully.
I search my memory for any hint of the name in the realms I've travelled but come up blank. I shake my head, "No."
"Well according to Greek mythology, he's the personification of death," She informs, far to enthusiastically for my liking. "A sort of winged Grim Reaper. He's also a God, not an Olympian God, but a God nonetheless. And if my magical senses are anything to go by then I don't think he's too pleased that Zeus returned one of his souls back to the living world."
A pit of dread forms in my gut at the realisation of exactly what she's implying, "Hook?" I ask, though it's more a statement then a question.
"Yes," She replies. "Thanatos' presence is here, in Storybrooke, I can feel him. At first I mistook it for your dark magic but I was wrong."
"What does he want?"
She shakes her head, "I'm not sure, but from the little research I've done I'd say that he wants to reclaim what was taken from him. He's the son of Night and Darkness, the twin brother of Sleep. My best guess is that he's some sort of soul sucker, similar to a Wraith, only he drains your life force while you dream."
I try to ignore the reverence with which she seems to relay this shocking information – she is in the process of redeeming herself after all – and focus solely on the implications of what she's suggesting. "Do you think he wants to kill, Hook?" I ask, horrified.
She shrugs, "It certainly makes sense."
"This is terrible!" I reply, the pain of having my own soul sucked by a Wraith still fresh in my memory. I may not like the pirate, but no one deserves such a fate. "Does anyone else know?"
My first thought is for Emma, of how this knowledge will kill her after everything she's already been through to save him, but Zelena shakes head.
"We have to stop it!" I say the words without thinking them through, a sure sign that I really have become one of the good guys, a hero. But my sister isn't quite so quick to jump to Hook's defence.
"Stop it!?" She guffaws, her expression turning quickly serious when she picks up on my blind determination. "Are you mad? Isn't this exactly what you want, a non-villainous way to get rid of the competition?"
Her eagerness to take advantage of someone's misfortune shows exactly how far she still has to go in her redemption…and just how far I've already come.
"Zelena this isn't a competition," I chastise, disappointed that she thinks I'd relish in Hook's demise. "This is a choice. Emma's choice, and knowing what it feels like to lose someone you love…" I instantly think of the pain I felt when I lost Daniel and more recently, Robin. "I have to protect her. I have to save him."
Her enthusiasm fades as soon as she understands that my intention is a rescue mission and she shakes her head, "You can't," She protests futilely. "The only way to do that is to trade places with him…"
"Then that's what I'll do!" I reply, not stopping to give a second thought to the consequences of such an action.
She stands up at my brave response, suddenly terrified that she's made an error in judgement by bringing this information to me. Maybe she has, because I know the response she was hoping for is the one I would have given as the Evil Queen. One of quite joy and smug triumph. Instead, all she's done is direct me towards danger.
"Regina…"
I don't allow her time to voice her protest for fear that she might convince me to change my mind. Since this whole thing began with Emma I've been searching for a way to resolve it without hurting anyone or reverting to my former self, and this could be it.
"It isn't up for debate" I interrupt, silencing her with a wave of my hand. "I love Emma, and if I can make her happy by giving her the person she wants, by ensuring her future with Hook, then that's what I'll do."
"But…" She stares at me, her expression a mixture of fear and regret, "…you'll die! And I only just found you."
I swallow sharply, having not considered that particular scenario when I so carelessly offered my services. But if my death is what it takes to settle this for all of us, then that's what I'll do. This whole thing began when Emma took the darkness for me, and many have sacrificed themselves since that fateful night. Maybe it's only fitting that the final sacrifice is mine.
I reach out to grasp my sisters shaking hand in my own, "If that happens I'll be with you, always," I promise. "Storybrooke is my town, it's a part of me, and it's where you're going to find your happy ending. You always wanted my life, and now you can have it with my blessing."
She grips tightly onto my fingers, refusing to let go when I would have pulled back, and I know that this is her silent way of begging me to change my mind. I reassure her the only way I can, "But, it might not come to that," I add hopefully. "As you well know I have a few powers of my own. I'm sure Thanatos isn't prepared for a fight with another magical being."
"Please don't do this…" She pleads.
I can tell by the fear in her eyes that this is a fight she doubts I can win. But how can I turn my back on Emma now? I went to the Underworld to save her True Love from the jaws of death, I lost my own lover in the process. All I want is for her to be happy.
"I have too," I finally reply, resigned to my decision and the consequences it may bring. I stand to grip her shoulders, affectionately, "And I need you to find out how, without telling anyone," I request, aware of the magnitude of what I'm asking her to do.
She opens her mouth to speak but the words don't come and I can see the reluctance in her expression. "Please," I beg, "I need my sister now more than ever."
Realising that I've made my decision and I won't be swayed, she finally nods once,
"Okay," She agrees, "I'll help you."
I throw my arms around her, hugging her tight, "Thank you!"
"I'll be back when I have news," She replies, disappearing in a puff of green smoke.
Alone again, I glance around my empty vault, taking a moment to process the enormity of what I've just committed too. If I've learnt anything over the course of my turbulent life, it's that True Love is sacrifice.
Maybe it's time that sacrifice, was mine.
