"Jody," Sam said when she opened the door. He half collapsed into the house, staggering up to a wall to lean on. "Jody..."
It was only about seven in the afternoon but Sam was exhausted and torn apart. He had driven from a forested area that Crowley had dropped him off at to Jody's, all the while resisting the urge to drive off a cliff and end the pain. Gabe and Lucifer had taken Dean to the bunker where they would be holding a burial (Sam couldn't bring himself to burn the body) in a days time.
"Sam," Jody said, alarmed. "Sam honey, sit down."
That was the final straw for Sam, this unexpected show of kindness when he had come barging bloody and dirty into her house, was the straw that broke the camels back. He sank to his knees, tears overpowering him.
"They're gone Jody," he sobbed. "Dean and Cas. They're gone."
"Oh," she whispered. "Oh God no." She loved the Winchesters dearly, as if they were her sons and to hear this, to see this much pain on Sam's face, it was heart shattering. "No."
"Amara," Sam choked out. "Amara killed Cas last night, D..Dean felt it. Then we went after her and...the Archangel's, Gabe and Lucifer, they hit her with some sort of light and she deflected a beam and it...it hit Dean." He touched the small of his back. "Here. God, I tried, I tried to save him but he accepted it, that h-he was going to..." Sam couldn't continue.
A pair of footsteps thundered through the house. "Jody!" Claire's voice called. "Sam?"
"Claire, don't come in here," Jody snapped, venom in her voice. "Alex, that goes for you too."
"Is it Sam and Dean?" Alex called, there was a stagger, as if she had thrown and arm out to stop Claire.
Sam couldn't breathe at the sound of Dean's name so easily on her lips. "Let them come in, Jody, they deserve to know."
Jody looked unhappy at this but nodded, finding it impossible to deny Sam anything after what he'd gone through. "Alex," she called. "Make one cup of tea, extra strength. Afterwards you can come in here." She turned back to Sam, wiping her eyes and the mascara running beneath them. "She makes the best herbal tea."
Sam nodded and muttered something illegible. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Thanks Jody, you don't need to."
Typical. After all this kid had been through he still couldn't just accept that she wanted to help him. "Sam," she said. "Once you explain what happened, I have to show you something."
Five minutes later Alex ran into the room, holding a mug of steaming liquid which Sam accepted graciously. It really was the best herbal tea he had tasted, musky and bitter but with a sweetness that took a while to realize was there. It reminded him of Dean and he set it down.
"Sam," Claire asked cautiously. "Dean? C-Cas? Did they-?"
Sam put his face in his hands. "Cas, we couldn't do anything about. Dean...he was my fault."
Alex put a hand on her sisters shoulder as she made an involuntary choking noise. "Shh," she soothed.
Jody leaned forward. "How was it your fault?" she asked gently.
Sam shook his head as if the memories were too painful to tell again. "I stayed outside the room, he-D..Dean, wouldn't let me in with Lucifer. Gabe and Lucifer did go in, and Crowley, and they fought Amara. She deflected a beam of light at him and..." He trailed off, looking at Jody for support.
Jody took over. "It hit Dean in the back, hit something vital" she said. "Sam's already told me this. Dean had accepted his wouldn't make it out of this, there was nothing you could have done." She addressed this last part to Sam who stifled a sob.
"How is that your fault?" Claire asked softly.
"I should have been in there to cover him, or take the fall. God, I would rather it be me," Sam whispered, his voice breaking like a China cup. "I couldn't get there fast enough."
"But if Dean accepted it, if he knew he was going to and maybe even wanted a little to...die...I mean, it's Dean. You couldn't have done anything about it. And Cas, you know why he said yes, why he did everything he did?" Claire asked.
"Yeah," Sam said quietly. "Cas knew only God and/or Lucifer could destroy or lock the Darkness away. He wanted to help, that was partially our fault." He still said 'our' as if Dean were still here. "We never said thank you, never let him know how much we appreciated and loved him. He felt useless and I think it was the brotherly part of him, the part that still loved Lucifer after all he'd done. Lucifer had been in that cage for years now, the mere prospect of being back in there was enough to scare him. I've been in his head, he's been in mine, I know this. Cas didn't care what he had done, he was family. I'd have done the same for...Dean." His voice dropped mournfully.
"But Amara?" Alex asked. "She's gone?"
"Dean killed her, just before he...you know...I carried him over so he could kill her." Sam pinched the bridge of his nose.
"So the major Big Bad's gone now," Claire stated flatly. "What now?"
"Hunting, I guess," Sam replied. "I can team up with some others now that...that it's just me. There are still vengeful spirits and such."
Jody stood up. "I can't let you do that."
Sam looked at her in surprise. "What do you mean?" he asked, confused.
"I mean the last thing Dean told me was this." She pulled the purple sticky note from her pocket and cleared her throat. "Call Sammy once and awhile," she read, "but never drag him back into the life. Tell him to get out, take the weapons. Hell, destroy the Impala, just make him get out. I once told him that my happy ending was him growing old, having a wife, children and grandchildren. Don't let him deny me of that." She stopped talking, eyes glistening with tears. "Sam, please."
Sam dropped his face in his hands, shoulders heaving in silent sobs. "I can't," he whispered. "I can't leave, not now, not after these years."
Jody glared at him. "You will. You can. Stop hunting, settle down, live your life."
Sam half chuckled. "Easier said than done. Jody, Dean was practically my life. I mean, I can't remember a time I didn't have him and I can't imagine a forever without him. I don't want too." He voice rose at the end of the sentence.
"Try," Jody said acidly. "You have to try."
Sam looked around at them. Claire and Alex standing close together both of their eyes filled with tears and Alex's protective arm wrapped around Claire who seemed quite distraught. Then Jody with that determined look in her eyes and tears on her cheeks. "I can try," he said wearily. "I don't know how but I can try. After the burial," he added, voice cracking with pain.
"Burial?" Alex asked. "No hunters funeral?"
Sam shook his head. "I...I just can't do it."
Jody smiled bitterly. "I don't blame you. We'll head out tomorrow, how 'bout that? You can sleep...somewhere. Take your pick of the guest rooms. We have three."
Sam nodded and stood up, leaving the tea Alex made hardly touched.
