Dean stood in front of the mirror in his bathroom. The shower pounded a watered melody in the background.

Dark thoughts crept into his mind, thoughts he knew were spawned by Eden, or were just made more pronounced.

Useless.

Worthless.

Weak.

Coward.

His hand moved almost unconsciously to the nearly full bottle of melatonin he kept in his cabinet, only used for the worst of nightmares, or when Sam insisted. He shook around twenty out on his hand, wondering now many it would take to kill a person. "No," Dean murmured out loud. "No." He shoved them back in the bottle and closed it, setting it with a soft chink on the shelf.

He stepped in the shower, letting the towel around his waist fall to the floor, feeling the strong stream of water pound against his aching back and the tender spot on the small of his back. And somewhere, somewhere dark, he heard a voice whisper:

You couldn't even save Sam, what makes you think Cas will be different?

You hurt everything, everyone you touch.

Cas is gone Dean, he's gone.

Dean stepped out. He reached for the pills and dumped a handful out, staring at them, wondering if this was cowardliness or nobility. His death, his permanent death would eliminate lots of chances of Armageddon and any use he could have at being a weapon.

The small white pills stared up at him.

Sam lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling and contemplating tomorrow. Would Cas come back to them? If it took him nearly killing Dean to snap out of Heavens control, what would it be this time? Heaven, despite being the kingdom it was, could not hold a match to the power of Eden. And these dark thoughts Billie had warned them about? Why has she warned them? His thoughts trailed on like this for half an hour at least before the pieces started to fit together, combining with what Dean had confessed in the Impala, about wanting to die.

Sam sat bolt upright. He listened. The entire Bunker was silent, showers turned off, no footsteps in the halls. His breath caught in his throat as he threw himself out of bed, rushing into the hallway where he slowed to a stop, listening to the silence.

"Dean?" he called out softly.

Nothing answered.

Sam didn't want to wake Dean up should he be fine and simply asleep so he pushed open the door to Dean's room, praying his brother was alright.

Dean lay on his side on the bed. His chest rose and fell with a shudder and a jerky motion. His breathing was ragged and seemed to come in pained gasps. "Dean?" Sam whispered, crossing the room. He set a gentle hand down on Dean's arm, careful not to rouse him.

Ok. So far he seemed to be alright, simply having a nightmare. The fear in his stomach dissipated a little. Sam nudged him as Dean jerked in his sleep. "Hey!" he called, louder this time.

Dean sat up suddenly. "What?" he said, voice slightly panicked, eyes wide.

Sam exhaled, relieved. "Hey. I just...I heard you having a nightmare. Just wanted to check in to make sure you were okay." Under his brothers bright, calmed gaze he felt rather foolish.

"Thanks," Dean murmured. "Having problems sleeping?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah," he admitted. "Worried about tomorrow I guess."

"Me too," Dean said softly. "Do you really think he'll be fine, like I could restore his humanity?"

"Dean," Sam said seriously, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Listen to me. You are the very embodiment of 'Humanity'. All the Angels, all the Demons, and most monsters in between know that, that's why they fear you so much. You are every single thing they aren't. So if anyone on this whole planet, maybe even this whole universe, could restore humanity to someone, it's you."

Dean blinked. "Thanks, but Sam, I'm still scared of this." Goddamn it, he hated Sam seeing him like this, weak, breaking, scared. It had happened far to often in these last few days. "Never mind. It's stupid." He shook his head.

Sam rolled his eyes. "How many years has it been Dean? I don't even know anymore, but more than half of my life, probably over three quarters of it actually, you've been teaching me, taking care of me, quite literally choosing me over anything or anyone, even if it's the world. If there's anything- anything- I can do for you, no matter how stupid it is, just tell me. I will do it."

Dean felt his heart swell with love for his little brother, looking at him, that stupid puppy smile on his face, his big sad eyes. "Thank you Sammy," he murmured. "But it's nothing. You need to rest."

"You do too."

"I will." Dean glanced at his clock. It read 12:34pm. "Go back to your room. Rest, we have a shit load of stuff to do tomorrow."

Sam squeezed an arm around Dean's shoulders, a half hug they would never mention again, and left, casting one last shadowed look at Dean who lay back, staring up at the ceiling. "Be careful," he whispered, knowing he wouldn't hear him.

Dean lay trembling on his sheets, listening to Sam leave. Every part of him wanted to call, to beg Sam to stay with him. He needed something to hold on to right now, to help him force the darkness of the corrupt Eden from his mind. It hissed and tugged at him still, bringing up memories of the hospital, that terrible time when he had through the werewolves had killed Sam. Dean had been ready to kill himself then, and the voices were telling him it was just as easy now as it had been then. He remembered something Cas had said what seemed like eons ago; I'm afraid I might kill myself.

Dean was afraid of that, he felt the calls of death, icy tendrils telling him how much better off everyone would be without him. Dean buried his face in his pillow, forcing the darkness from his mind and replacing it with the feeling of Cas's body pressed against his when they hugged in Purgatory, of Sam as a baby, all fat fists and smiles and drool, innocently staring up at Dean. Sam giggling as he took his first steps- a memory that Dean had cherished and kept for as long as he could remember- and he walked towards Dean. In spite of himself, Dean cracked a genuine smile, knowing he couldn't leave neither Cas nor Sam. He simply had too big a heart that loved them far too much.

AN: I'm gonna be gone for a while so no updates for a while. Sorry :(