White light.

Burning, brazen, whiteness all around. It flooded every corner of the seemingly infinite space surrounding him, clawing brightly into every nook and cranny. Castiel opened his eyes to the light slowly, allowing bit by bit to deep into his eyeballs. He had absolutely no clue where he was.

"Asmodei?" Cas hissed, his voice coming out broken and slowly. Is this where Angels go when we die?

"Cas." Asmodei stood up shakily, emerging from beyond Cas's line of sight. "Are you alright?" he asked, stumbling towards his brother who quickly stood to steady him.

"I am...well." He pressed hands to his chest, abdominal. The blood previously staining his clothes and skin was gone, all tears in his flesh and corruption in his Grace had disappeared. "What is this place?"

Asmodei shrugged. "No idea."

Cas sighed. "I can't believe I died. Again. The Winchesters and you, Gabe, and Lucifer were only there to save me. It was meaningless."

"Pretty much," Asmodei agreed. "It wasn't a good choice to stay and die with me, waste all of their efforts."

"I could have killed Dean."

"Ah, Dean. So brother, how was the kiss?" He grinned, feeling joyful and elated for the first time since he had met Esmerelda.

Cas averted his eyes. "Uh," he stuttered. "Uh, it was...it was pretty good."

"Only 'pretty good'?"

"Shut up. That doesn't matter right now. I won't see him for hopeful fifty or more years."

Asmodei nodded. "I am sorry. It hurts, doesn't it? To love a human."

Cas glanced down. "It does. Especially Dean, for I love Sam but as a brother. Dean, he is...indescribable. I pulled him from Hell and I carried his broken, pulsing soul to safety and I stitched it together. I sat by when Mary kissed him for the first time, I cried when she told him 'Angels are watching over you' for the very last time. I begged and screamed into Heaven for Father to change his fate. I cried when John hit him for the first time and I wrapped my wings around him the first time he saw the Supernatural, comforted him in his darkest nightmares." He paused. "But you do not wish to hear this. You will want to find Esmerelda."

Asmodei looked shamefaced at his brother realizing how little he wanted to hear about Dean. "What will you do?" he asked. "While I search for Esmerelda?"

"I will... I do not know. Sit here, I suppose. Ask to see John and Mary."

Suddenly a white light filled the air, pressing down on Cas and Asmodei like an anvil. Cas let out a low gasp as the light beamed down in front of them. He felt his heart race, his Grace pull at him, eager for something Cas did not know. Beside him Asmodei gripped his arm, shock radiating off of him.

"Cas," Asmodei whispered, clearly thunderstruck. "It's...its God."

Sam wasn't lying when he said Dean looked like shit. His brothers eyes were red and blood shot, the clear green looked blurry and unfocused. His skin had an odd taint of grey to it and the morning after their 'expedition' to Eden, he shoved the eggs Sam had made around on his plate, not eating anything.

"Dean," Sam said halfway through the second day.

Dean looked up from the untouched cheese burger Sam had made that sat in front of him. His eyebrows furrowed at Sam's look of concern. "Yeah?" he said in a quiet, doleful voice.

"Dean, man you need to eat. Look at you! You've hardly eaten before you killed Amara and since Eden you've had soup and that's it!" Sam took special care to not mention Cas's name at all.

"Look Sammy," Dean said. "I'm fine. Just not hungry." He made to stand up but Sam slapped a hand on the table.

"No! After Jess died you made me take care of myself. Let me do the same for you!"

Dean glared at him but made no move to get up further. "That's different!" he snapped. "It's my job to take care of you."

"What do think my job is? I'm not letting you waste the fuck away because you're grieving! I get it, okay? You lost someone you love and you feel guilty. It's normal."

Dean leaned down so he was level with Sam. "No, okay? None of this is normal! We have been through so much damn shit in our lives. We've lost so many damn people that we care about. You didn't fucking know that leaving would lead to Jess dying. I knew that he wouldn't make it, I wanted to stay and he wouldn't let me. It could have been me, I could have died in his place, I would have!"

"Dean Winchester, you are a selfish bastard! How would Cas have coped if you'd died? How could I have coped? Cas was right, you and you're self destructive, self loathing desire to sacrifice yourself. Dean, I can't do this without you. I need you to be here because I swear to God if you had stayed I'd have taken a gun to my head." Sam wasn't aware of the tears until one landed on the table top. "I can't do this Dean, I can't do this anymore. I can't keep trying to be strong, I've tried to prove myself, I've tried to be like you, Hell, I've tried to be stronger than you!"

Dean stared at him in shock. "What?" He stood and moved over to stand beside Sam. "Sammy, you're stronger than me, you're better than me in every way. Smarter, stronger, kinder, I don't even know what else. The list is too long. I wish I could be as strong as you! There is nothing you can't do that I can."

Sam shook his head, wiping his eyes but to no avail. They just spilled over again. "That's not true," he whispered. "But we aren't having this argument right now. Just eat your burger Dean!"

Dean let out a choked laugh. "I'm not hungry," he said softly.

Sam stood up, letting himself unfold to stand over his brother. "Eat the damn burger or your gonna pass out or die of malnutrition."

"I'm not gonna die Sam," Dean snapped, exasperated.

"Eat it or I'm going to knock you out, drive you to the hospital and tell them you haven't eaten in two and a half, three days and passed out."

"You wouldn't," Dean said testily.

"Try me." Sam felt his blood boiling with grief turned to annoyance.

Dean raised his eyebrows, grabbed his burger and took a small bite out of it. "Happy?"

"It's better," Sam said. "Look, I just don't want to you to go all John Winchester about what happened in Eden. Like I said, you took care of me when Jess died. Let me return the favor."

Dean set down the burger. "You can say 'Cas dying'." He voice wavered. "It's not like it's a secret or a taboo." He blinked quickly, turning away from Sam who immediately regretted even bringing up Eden again.

"Dean, shit. Please don't do this," Sam pleaded, walking over to his brother and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "I can't have you break down right now." It was a vain reason but Sam knew if anything could help Dean it was hearing that his little brother needed him.

Sure enough Dean straightened up and said, "sorry Sammy. Just, God, it's been a crap week."

"No shit." Sam gently turned Dean to face him. "It's gonna be alright," he whispered, wrapping his arms around Dean's shoulders, embracing him. They had hugged possibly more times in these last days than ever before in their lives. Sam didn't mind and despite Dean's griping he knew his brother didn't mind either.

For once however, Dean didn't complain but rather let himself sink into the embrace, let himself be weak for a moment, let himself put him before Sam. Then he pulled away, wiping his eyes. "Nothing's ever gonna be alright," he whispered.

AN: So God might be back, where's this leading to? Hope you enjoyed this chapter and in case you didn't know, I have put all the chapters in order as some of the past ones skipped out or needed to be moved. I updated 28-40, I don't know how I managed to screw up so badly but now it's fixed! I hope you enjoy this chapter and the next!