A/N: Oh Holly, Holly, Holly. What are you playing at? Well hopefully in this chapter we'll find out. It starts with Holly's viewpoint, which is the first time that has popped up significantly in all of this. Fair warning though; things don't exactly get resolved in this one.
On another note, this will be the last update before Christmas, as I'm off to somewhere with no computer. So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!
Cheers,
Sam
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It was the pounding in her head that woke Holly up, most definitely. Or it might have been the way her stomach was turning like a washing machine. Or the fact she had fallen asleep fully clothed; her bra was digging painfully into her side and her jeans felt like they were cutting off the blood supply to her feet. Holly rolled over onto her back and closed one eye. Oh god, she was so hungover. Hanging like a bat in fact. She groaned as memories from the night before came flooding back. It had been a while since she had gotten that drunk, but it had been a good night. Until the end, where Gail had gone all psycho cop on her and dragged her home like she was a teenager who had missed curfew.
Holly had no idea why Gail had flipped, as the blonde had refused to speak to her in the car on the way home. She had intended to have it out with her when they got back…but it looks like she might have crashed instead. Holly sighed and started to wriggle out of her jeans without getting out of the bed. She and Gail had been getting along great all night, or so she thought. She was aware that she might have been a bit flirty; she always was when she'd had a drink or two. And it was hard to stop herself with Gail, what with the whole issue of the raging crush she had on the woman. But Gail seemed to be ok with it and had even flirted back a bit, tossing banter back and forth.
The brunette stretched out but soon stopped when the pain in her head intensified. So where had it all gone wrong? She had even asked Gail out for a drink, albeit in a very casual way so that if the blonde had shied away she could have just passed it off as a joke. Oh God, and then she had ended up kissing Jessica late on. That really wasn't her brightest move. Jess was another friend of Rachel's who Holly had met a few times on various nights out. They got on well enough but Jess had made it clear on a couple of occasions that she was interested in Holly. Holly wasn't sure it would go anywhere and the timing had never been right so they had never been more than friends. Last night though Jess had been extra attentive; early on Lisa had let slip she had just broken up with the girl she had been seeing recently so Holly assumed that was the reason. However, when she returned from the bar after that first conversation with Gail, she had realised it was more than that.
"Treat them mean, keep them keen Holls?" Jess had asked.
"I'm sorry, what?" Holly didn't understand what the other woman was talking about, and if she were honest with herself she was still a little worked up from the feel of pressing up against Gail's back.
"I saw you with the blonde at the bar! You chatted her up, got a drink then left her hanging,"
Holly winced. Scott and Gail were supposed to be keeping a low profile. Most of Holly's friends weren't even supposed to know they were there. She shouldn't have drawn attention to Gail. "Oh that," she had said, trying to laugh it off. "That was nothing, we were just chatting,"
"Yeah, maybe that's what you think. But she's been watching you all night,"
It was at that point where Holly realised that there was perhaps more than a little jealousy behind Jess's comments. If she had seen Gail watching Holly, then logically Jess had probably also been watching Holly. Clearly Jess thought she had competition for Holly's attention. Truth be told there was no competition; Gail had grabbed Holly's interest right from the get go.
Holly groaned again and wriggled to a cold spot in the bed. She knew it was crazy to feel this way about Gail. She barely knew the woman, but she had intrigued her from the moment they met and the more she got to know her, the more she liked her. Gail was beautiful, obviously, but she was also the most contradicting puzzle of a woman Holly had ever met. She could go from warm and responsive in one minute to cold and aloof in the next and there was never any clue to what would switch the switch. She was hilarious and rude and sarcastic and fierce and just completely ridiculous. And that was an odd list of things to be attracted to, but Holly was definitely attracted…against her better judgement. Therefore she now spent her evenings trying not to stare at the cranky cop who was usually perched on the stool near her kitchen island. She tried not to flirt and she tried not to imagine her naked.
Last night however, the combination of having spent all day with Gail and a few drinks had caused her to abandon the boundaries she had set herself. It didn't help that she had seen both sides of Gail; the sleepy woman wrapped up in Holly's spare room catching up on some much needed sleep and the blonde bombshell who emerged later in her smart black jacket, low cut top and skinny jeans. Holly had approached her at the bar without even thinking through the consequences, but Gail hadn't seemed to mind being the teasing. She'd bought her a drink, after all.
When Holly thought about it though, it was the kiss later on that seemed to have caused all the problems. She hadn't meant to kiss Gail outside the bathroom, but she couldn't help herself. She had wanted to do it earlier but when Gail told her she liked her, no matter that the context wasn't actually along the lines where she had wanted to hear that, she couldn't stop herself. As soon as she had dropped that quick kiss on Gail's lips, she had been kicking herself. She had virtually run away, she remembered with a flush of embarrassment. Stupid, stupid, stupid she told herself. What the hell was she thinking, kissing the straight girl who firstly she had only just become friends with and secondly was only actually hanging around with Holly because it was her job.
No wonder Gail was upset with her; she had hit on her for Christ's sake. Holly knew from painful experience that hitting on your straight friends tended to bring about an abrupt end to said friendship, not to mention causing a whole lot of awkward, uncomfortable and depressing moments. She was going to have to apologise later when Gail arrived for her shift. Although first on the list was going to have to be calling Jess and apologising for kissing her too. Holly had been so freaked out by what had happened with Gail that when she had bumped into Jess in the bathroom she had agreed to go outside with her. Holly wasn't interested in Jess and drunk or not, she was very aware of that. But she was pissed off with herself for giving into her desires and not being able to shake off her attraction to Gail. She had thought that maybe fooling around a little with Jess would be the way to distract herself and get Gail out of her mind. Holly covered her face with her hands and wondered if she could shake the hangover off long enough to make a decent fist of building a time machine. That way she could go back and not kiss anyone. Honestly, having to apologise for kissing two people in one night? It really was like being a teenager again. A spoilt, obnoxious teenager!
She was going to have to bite the bullet and do it though. She really didn't want to give Jess the wrong idea first of all. She had used her last night and that was way out of line. But also, she didn't want to lose Gail's friendship. She could push her feelings to one side because it was just a crush after all. She was a fully grown adult who could control herself. And she would just have to completely avoid drinking again over the next few weeks. The thought of alcohol made her guts churn and she wrenched herself out of bed and ran to the bathroom. Once she had emptied the contents of her stomach and brushed her teeth, she stumbled back to bed and flopped back under the covers. She was going to bite the bullet…but she was going to do it after a few more hours sleep. Thank God she had booked today off work.
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Later that evening, Holly was a least feeling a little more human again. She had dragged her sorry ass out of bed in the early afternoon, albeit she had only made it as far as the couch much to McNally's amusement. "Heavy night?" she had asked, grinning at Holly's comatose form. Holly had only groaned in response and McNally had made a comment that it had to have been a messy one, as Gail was like a bear with a sore head and Holly was in such a state. McNally did eventually take pity on the doctor and made her some tea and toast. Along with binge watching her Game of Thrones box set, it had helped. She had also made her phone call to Jess, which had the opposite effect.
By the time Gail was due to arrive, Holly had summoned up the energy to sort herself out, have a shower and get dressed. As she came down the stairs, she saw Gail had perched on the end of her couch, eyes glued to the flickering television.
"Hi," Holly tentatively offered, taking a seat next to the blonde.
"Hi," was Gail's response, before she turned back to the TV, seemingly concentrating on the hockey game playing out in front of her.
"Who's winning?" Holly asked in what she would freely admit was a lame conversation starter.
Gail didn't look at her, "The score is in the top left corner," she stated, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
Holly felt a flash of anger. Ok, so she had screwed up last night but she was all ready to apologise if Gail just let her. She hadn't the patience to draw this out into a long protracted argument; the conversation with Jess earlier had been bad enough. She had tried to explain that she had gotten a little carried away last night, and the other woman shouldn't read anything into their kiss. Jess had been understandably upset and accused Holly of leading her on and using her. Holly couldn't really deny that so all she could do was apologise but they had left things on rather a sour note. The doctor felt bad about it, she really did…but there was nothing more to say. Apart from continuing to silently vow never to drink again. Holly rolled her eyes at herself and focused back on the current conversation and the second apology she had to make today. Best to just get it over with.
"I'm sorry about last night," she said quietly, watching the blonde out the corner of her eye but Gail simply shrugged and didn't respond. "Come on Gail, talk to me!" Holly said, raising her voice slightly.
This time the other woman did turn towards her, "And what exactly do you want me to say Dr Stewart?" she asked. Holly winced at the formal use of her title and surname; Gail never called her that after that first conversation they had when they had used each other's first names to wind McGregor up. But it was the cold expression in Gail's blue eyes that worried her more.
"Just let me explain," Holly pleaded and although Gail was still silent, she took the fact the cop was now looking at her to be a sign to continue. "I am really sorry about kissing you," she said. "It was a spur of the moment thing, you know? I was just happy and a little tipsy and we were messing about. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable at all; it was just supposed to be a silly way of surprising you…" Holly tailed off when she noticed that this time her words had had an effect.
Gail's eyes were wide and she looked back at Holly with an almost incredulous glare. "What?" she snapped, her attention now fully on Holly.
"When I kissed you outside the bathroom," Holly clarified, mistakenly thinking Gail had missed the point she was making. "I was just being an idiot and I wanted to apologise." She watched as a look of confusion flitted across Gail's face, followed by something Holly couldn't decipher.
"Oh. Right. It's fine," Gail replied in an icy tone and Holly could virtually see the shutters come down in the cop's head as she turned back towards the game. She couldn't leave it at that, so tried again.
"No, it's not Gail. You're obviously upset with me about it, and I really want to clear the air. I made a mistake and I'm sorry," she said, reaching out and putting her hand on the other woman's shoulder.
Quick as a flash, Gail dropped her shoulder to move away from Holly's touch, and the doctor's stomach dropped like a stone. The hurt was immediate and painful. Gail had never flinched away from her before but she knew that kind of move all too well. It was the awkward, uncomfortable move of a straight woman who was freaking out about being touched by a lesbian in case she was being hit on rather than it just being a friendly gesture. Holly sighed. She was familiar with that reaction, but was surprised to see it from Gail. She had thought Gail was a bit more open minded than the ignorant (and not to mention arrogant) 'she's gay so she must fancy me' mind-set that Holly had encountered in the past. She had clearly misjudged her.
"It was stupid. It won't happen again," she said quietly.
"Jesus Christ, Holly, ok! I get it! You were drunk and you didn't mean it, fine!" Gail replied, and Holly could hear the resentment in her voice. This really wasn't going well; the cop was just getting more annoyed with her. She didn't understand why Gail wouldn't accept her apology and laugh it off. The prejudice she had only just recognised Gail held must be even more deep seated than she had realised. Holly felt her hurt begin to swirl into a familiar anger. She had come across bigotry before, unsurprisingly, and had never dealt with it particularly well. She simply hated being judged for who she was and who she loved by ignorant bullies with no tolerance for anything different to their own way of life. She would have never picked Gail out to be one of those people in a million years; hell, she had even thought that Gail had flirted with her on a couple of occasions recently, not least last night. She must have totally misread things.
"Do you have a problem with me being gay, Gail? Because if so, this whole having you in my house every day is not going to work," she said without bothering to disguise her hostility.
Gail whirled back round to face Holly, and stared straight back at the doctor, "Are you kidding me?" she asked, her voice slow and steady.
"I get that what I did was inappropriate. But I've said I'm sorry and you're still completely over-reacting. It was just a kiss, Gail. You can't catch being gay, don't worry," Holly replied, knowing how flippant that statement was but not really caring.
It seemed Gail did though, as she rapidly stood up from the sofa, her body shaking. Her usually pale face was flushed red and she gestured wildly with her hands as she spoke. This time there was nothing steady about her response, and Holly realised that her words had pushed a button somewhere.
"What the actual fuck? You're accusing me of being some kind of homophobe?" she yelled, her arms spread wide to emphasise the question as she looked down on Holly.
"Well what am I supposed to think?" Holly retorted straight back, and she reacted to Gail's aggression, standing up to bring herself level, "I tell you I'm gay and you have the most casual reaction I've ever come across, and yet I give you a peck on the lips and you get so furious that you drag me home then don't speak to me all day? Either you're a damn good actor Gail, or you just didn't have a problem till it directly affected you,"
Gail tried to breathe through her fury but couldn't contain herself, "Fuck you, Holly Stewart. I don't give a toss about you being gay. If throwing yourself at some random women in a grotty beer yard is what turns you on, then you knock yourself out!"
Hearing those words and looking at the anger coursing through Gail, Holly had a sudden flash of intuition. Was it the kiss with Jess that had set the blonde off, not what had happened on the way to the bathroom? Was it…jealousy? "Are you pissed off because I kissed Jess?" she asked, her voice lower as she stepped forward to look Gail directly in the eye.
For a moment, she genuinely thought Gail was going to kiss her as the blonde leaned towards her but instead the other woman pointed at her and hissed her response, making it difficult for Holly to hear her. "Get over yourself, Holly. It's not all about you," she said, before storming past her towards the kitchen.
"Then what the hell is your problem?" Holly shouted after her, stopping the cop in her tracks.
Gail turned to face her and let fly, "I am pissed off with you! And do you know what, I'm fucking well allowed to be! It's nothing to do with you being gay or making out with some bimbo. I'm pissed off that you deliberately ignored me when I asked you to wait in the bathroom. I'm pissed off that you didn't tell me where you were going…"
"I said I was going out…" Holly interrupted, but Gail raised her voice and continued to talk over her.
"I am pissed off that we spent ten minutes running round that club like lunatics, desperately looking for you thinking I had screwed up the most important job I've ever been given. I'm pissed off that I was terrified out my mind that one of those psychopaths had somehow gotten to you and hurt you, and yeah, I'm pissed off that when I did eventually find you, you had your tongue shoved down your friend's throat without a care in the world. So you know what Holly, me being fucking furious with you is not because you're gay, it's because you're an idiot," Gail was breathing heavily as she finished her rant and she watched the shame spread across Holly's face.
"I didn't realise," she said, all the fight gone out of her in the heat of Gail's outburst.
"And that's the problem. You need to realise," Gail said, still not done. "You need to realise that if I ask you do something then it's for your own good because it is my job to protect you. I can't do that if you blindly ignore me and everything I'm trying to do,"
Holly nodded, as she contemplated her own stupidity. It hadn't even crossed her mind that the officers wouldn't have known where she was when she slipped out the back door with Jess. She knew Gail wanted her to wait, but when she'd yelled back at her, she thought she'd told her that she was going outside. Gail was right; she was an idiot. And Gail had every right to be pissed off with her. She wanted to bang her head against the wall, although it probably wouldn't do much good for the hangover. But she had just made a complete fool of herself trying to interpret Gail's feelings, going round in circles when it turned out to be something so simple. Holly was always overthinking things; her friends were constantly telling her off for that. And it seemed all that time lounging around today had resulted in her thinking herself into an absolute blind alley.
Holly said the only thing that she could, given the situation; "I'm sorry."
"Save it, Holly," Gail said. The police officer grabbed her coat from near the door. "I'm going out to the van, it's my night,"
"But wait…" Holly's sentence was cut off as Gail opened the door. The doctor moved closer towards the other woman, looking as though she may follow her but Gail shook her head.
"I'm sending Sanderson in. Just do as you're asked this time, and stay there," she warned before sliding out the door and shutting it behind just as Holly reached the door.
What an absolute mess you made of that, Stewart, she told herself before giving into temptation and knocking her forehead against the timber panelling of her door. Ouch. Yep, there was that hangover headache again.
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Gail wrenched open the sliding door of the van parked on Holly's street, startling Sanderson who was sat on the pile of cushions they had thrown in there in an attempt to make it more comfortable.
"Get out, it's my turn in the van tonight," she snapped, gesturing with her thumb.
"No, it's not!" Sanderson replied. "Last night we were out for most of it, and you did the night before,"
"Yeah well you've done more than me over the past couple of weeks," Gail said, still holding the van door open.
Sanderson shrugged and started to collect his stuff. He had no work to do tonight, so he wasn't going to argue if Gail wanted to be the one to sit in the cramped van watching flickering screens. Although he couldn't help remarking on what he had just seen; "Fine, but once you've cooled down then you can't avoid her forever by being out here you know,"
"What?" Gail asked, just wanting him to shut up and get lost.
"I saw you arguing. What was all that about?" Sanderson pointed at the monitor which was showing Holly's empty living room.
Gail felt herself colour and ignored the question, instead throwing back one of her own, "I thought those were supposed to be off when she's up and about?"
The non-committal grunt that came from Sanderson's throat told her that the cameras were switched on more than she thought, even as he tried to justify it; "I heard yelling, thought I'd better check it out. So what was the problem?" he persisted.
Gail knew full well he couldn't have heard them from the street – they weren't that loud – but she decided to let it go. The way she felt about Holly right now, the pathologist's privacy wasn't exactly her priority. "I was telling her what an idiot she was last night, disappearing on us," she said shortly, hoping Sanderson would leave it there.
Unfortunately for Gail, the other officer was more persistent than that and didn't read her cue. He raised an eyebrow and blinked in surprise. "You're still mad about that?"
"Bite me, Sanderson,"
"Come on Gail. It's fine; she was drunk and she didn't even realise we didn't know where she was. It was our fault for letting her slip off and not checking the place out,"
"I didn't let her slip off! I specifically told her to wait for me!"
"Seriously, you don't know how lucky you are. So she doesn't do what she's asked this one time? I've had people deliberate try and lose us in the past, people who lie to us and hide from us. We're trying to protect them and they spend weeks fighting us," Sanderson told her, rolling his eyes at some of the problems he'd encountered over the last couple of years.
"I thought we'd lost her!" Gail growled, her frustration growing once again. Why did nobody understand how bad last night was? For the ten minutes that they didn't have eyes on Holly, the fear had almost paralysed her. It was like she finally understood what those parents who had lost a child in the mall or something went through; she had been called out to jobs like that and seen people paralysed with dread. She herself had felt a cold vice grip her heart last night and the flood of sick panic race through her stomach. And she was worrying about a grown adult, let alone a kid.
"But we didn't," said Sanderson, breaking into her thoughts. "And McGregor doesn't know. So everyone's a winner here! Let it go!"
She stared at him, wanting to shake that relaxed grin off his stupid face but settling for just giving him a cold order. "Just get out the van, Sanderson. She's been on her own for five minutes, you had better check she's not done another runner,"
The fair haired officer shrugged his shoulders and finished up grabbing his stuff. He shuffled awkwardly to the door, being far too tall to stand upright even in the high top van and Gail stood aside to let him hop out before she clambered in herself.
"I'll bring you out something to eat later?" Sanderson said, figuring Gail would have calmed down by then.
However, she shook her head in response, "I'm not hungry."
Sanderson watched as she pummelled some of the cushions and settled herself down in front of the computer, flicking the keyboard to change the camera view. She scrolled through the outside camera shots but stopped when she hit Holly's kitchen and saw the other woman sat at the island, her head in her hands. The view might not have been great from the tiny surveillance cameras and the angle wasn't the best but it looked like she had been crying. Gail felt a stab of guilt, but tried to shake it off. She had every right to yell at Holly; not even because of last night but because she had also called Gail homophobic earlier which had struck a nerve.
"You like her, don't you?" Sanderson asked softly from the doorway. He had spotted the play of emotions flicker across Gail's face and had suddenly realised why she was so upset. Things from the last week fell into place alongside it and he knew. He could see it.
"What?"
"Holly. You like her." This time it was a statement, not a question.
Gail's whole body stiffened and she carefully schooled her expression into something neutral. "Everybody likes her. She's cool,"
"Yeah she is. And I like her too, but I don't mean that. Look, I'm not judging you Gail but…"
"What are you doing then? Because I have no idea what you're talking about. So just drop it, ok?" Gail interrupted him fiercely and Sanderson knew it wasn't worth pushing her.
"Just be careful, yeah?" he offered, before gently closing the van doors.
Gail huffed at the door and snarled "Fuck off," after him; albeit very quietly. She flicked the view on the monitor and watched the tall guy stroll through the front door of Holly's. Sanderson approached the woman still sitting at the kitchen island and placed a hand on her arm. Gail couldn't watch any more and switched to one of the outdoor cameras. She sat back on the hard box chair and shoved the cushions around in irritation. Sanderson didn't know what he was talking about. Urgh, this evening was turning out to be so infuriating. Thank God tomorrow was her night off; she need a break from this. She needed a break from Holly.
Gail felt immediately guilty about even thinking that, because she knew it wasn't true. She was really enjoyed hanging out with Holly. But she knew she had overstepped the mark last night. She had deliberately flirted with the other woman, not being able to help herself after she had felt her pressed up against her body. She couldn't explain why she felt so drawn to Holly and that confused her. She had also never felt such a shock from what was barely a kiss. When Holly had ghosted her lips against Gail, the cop had actually felt the spark fizz through her.
She dropped her head into her hands as she remembered that feeling. Oh God. Sanderson was right; she did like Holly. Gail's head swam as she finally admitted it to herself. She had a crush on the doctor and it was completely bewildering. How had that crept up on her without her noticing? She wasn't even gay, let alone gay for sexy librarian types. And she was supposed to be protecting this woman for Christ's sake; she was here for work so not only was it unprofessional, it was completely inappropriate. When she had stepped outside and found Holly, the instant relief had been incredible but it was soon followed by a different emotion when Gail had seen her kiss that Jessica woman. She didn't recognise it through her rage last night, but actually the anger had only swept through her at that moment. Not when she found Holly and realised she was safe, but when she had seen her swapping saliva with the skinny brunette. It was jealousy, Gail admitted to herself. Jealousy and hurt that Holly could casually do that after kissing Gail not twenty minutes prior.
Clearly Holly didn't really feel anything for Gail. She may have found her attractive, but in a purely aesthetic way, or she wouldn't have disappeared off to make out with some bimbo. That had hurt, and had been part of the reason Gail was determined to give Holly the cold shoulder this evening. She hadn't been prepared for how much more painful it would be when Holly told her the kiss was a silly, drunken mistake though. When Holly had approached her in the living room, Gail had assumed she was going to apologise for running off on her. But as soon as she heard Holly say that the kiss was a mistake, the hurt she was already feeling blossomed into anger. Gail had been someone's mistake before, and she didn't want to be used like that ever again.
To make matters worse, Holly had then gone off on a rant about her being homophobic or some such bullshit. If she wasn't so furious about that, Gail could have laughed at the irony. Here she was admitting that she had a crush on another woman, feeling excited about a kiss and jealous of someone else…and the girl thought she was some kind of anti-gay bigot. She scoffed at her own stupidity. Actually, she didn't want to laugh, she wanted to cry. All these stupid feelings were going to stuff things up.
It had been good to have a friend; someone who wasn't caught up in the Peck family dynasty like her old school friends, or swayed by Gail's connections and past like her fellow rookies at work. Someone who seemed to like her just as she was. But Gail had ruined it by turning it into something else; despite her anger at Holly, she knew it was actually her fault. She had blown the friendship up into something else, and was now paying the price. Despite what she might tell herself, having a friend would be kind of nice. She didn't like people, but she could cope with one or two. If they were her people.
On second thoughts though, maybe this is all that was? Gail wasn't used to having close female friends. Maybe the excitement of finding one so quickly was the reason for the confusion? It was perfectly possible that she had misread her own feelings, particularly with the knowledge that Holly was gay. Maybe all good friends felt this pull towards one another – she hadn't really had anyone close enough to tell. Tracy and Andy were friends sure, or at least they had been, but they were closer with each other than Gail -they always had been. Even after the Jerry thing, or now that Tracy was dating Steve. She sighed. That had to be it. Her crush on Holly was based on friendship, not lust. It had to be; Gail hadn't had a crush on a woman before, why would she suddenly start now? She was just getting her feelings mixed up as usual. She should know better than to trust herself.
Thankfully, it was pretty clear Holly didn't share her feelings anyway, given the way she had behaved. So at least that wasn't going to confuse matters even more. All she had to do was sit back, ignore it and wait for the infatuation to go away. If Holly kept being a dick, that would happen pretty soon. Equally if they did become proper friends, then this would settle down when they got to know each other better and just go away, wouldn't it?
"Of course it will," Gail said out loud. In the meantime then, she just had to ignore it and concentrate on how unfair Holly had been earlier. Holly was a let-down, like all the others. People always showed their true colours eventually, although Gail thought she herself must be the sort of person who brings out the worst in others as she was constantly seeing it.
This crush will go away. It's just a crush, because you thought she was a friend. Nothing else, Peck. Nothing else. Gail figured that if she could keep telling herself that, that nagging doubt in the back of her mind would fade away too…
A/N: Ooops! Looks like I've left you with our girls not on the best of terms! Sorry about that! Rest assured, I'll fix it. Not till 2016 though. Poor Gail has to spend some more time wrestling with her feelings and poor Holly has to spend some more time being a bit socially dense, and hopefully stop being an idiot.
