Chapter Four

What the fuck did I just hear? Butters likes me? I really don't know how to feel about this. I mean, Butters has always been so nice to me, and I always considered him one of my best friends. But I don't want to ruin what we have...as friends.

I need someone to talk to. Someone who will listen, and will let me vent.

Cartman? No, absolutely not. Why did that thought even occur to me?

Stan? Well, he's good to vent to, but he'd probably just make it all about himself. He means well, but he doesn't know when it's not all about him.

Kyle? Well, he might make a speech like usual, but he's a good listener. And he might offer some pretty good advice. So Kyle it is.

I break into a jog up the road. I turn back over my shoulder. Stark's Pond is almost out of view, and I can just barely see Butters, still sitting there by the water. I really hope I didn't hurt him. He's got to understand, right? I told him I just needed time to think. I didn't tell him outright I didn't like him. Because I do. Well, definitely as a friend. I'm just so uncertain right now. Everything is such a fucking mess.

I see Kyle's house up the street and I slow down to a walk, catching my breath.

What if Butters did take it like I didn't like him back? And that I was just afraid to say it, so I ran away. That would make me a coward, and I can't live like that.

I reached Kyle's house and knocked on the door. There wasn't any car in the drive, so I just hoped he'd be home. I waited and I knocked again. I heard footsteps inside, and then the door opened to Ike standing in front of me.

"Yeah?" he began, a can of soda in his hand. "Can I help you?"

"Hey, Ike," I panted. I was still out of breath from running here. "Is Kyle home?"

Ike shrugged. "Maybe he is, maybe he isn't," he said slyly. "If you want to find out, it'll cost ya."

I groaned. "Ike, I really am not in the mood for this today," I said bitterly. "I need to find your brother."

Ike rolled his eyes and let me in. "Whatever, but you owe me," he responded, going back into his living room.

I hustled up the stairs and didn't even bother knocking on Kyle's bedroom door. "Kyle, dude I need you!" I blurted out, bursting the door open.

Kyle jumped up from his chair, dropping the book he was reading. "Dude, what the fuck?" he gasped. "Why didn't you knock?"

I shook my head. "I didn't think of it, I'm too panicked," I spat out.

Kyle folded his arms. "I could have been jacking off or something, you know," he scolded.

I threw my arms up. "I literally don't care about that right now," I told him, exhausted. "I am literally freaking out and seeing your dick is like the least of my worries."

Kyle lowered his defensive stance and sat back down in his chair. "Kenny, what's up?" he asked calmly. "Why are you freaking out?"

I exhaled. "I was just with Butters," I started. "And we started talking about the old times. And then he starting talking about when we used to play superheroes and shit. And then he was using all these weird metaphors about Professor Chaos not actually being evil, but only acting that way because that's what he's supposed to be and all that…"

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "Okay, and?"

"Kyle, he was using it as a metaphor for the fact that he's gay," I informed him.

Kyle folded his arms again. "So what?" he stated. "We all already knew he was at least bi-curious from the time he was eight. So now he's gay and you're freaking out? Who are you to judge anyway, you like both girls and guys."

I shook my head. "It's not that," I told him. "I don't give a shit that he's gay. Like, good for him, he's figured himself out." I took a deep breath. "He told me right after that...that he likes me."

Kyle looked surprised. "Oh," was all he could say.

I sat down on his bed. "And now I don't know what to do," I confessed. "Because I think part of me likes Butters too, but I'm not sure. All I know I don't want to ruin our friendship if I fuck something up."

Kyle shrugged. "I don't know if Butters is someone you can really fuck something up with," he posited. "What did you say after he told you?"

"I didn't really say anything," I recalled. "I just told him I needed time to think, and I ran off."

Kyle bit his lower lip in thought. "He might take that as you not liking him back, or you ditching him," he said. "Which, in a sense, I guess you sort of did the latter."

I put my head in my hands. "I'm such an idiot, man," I groaned.

"Well, do you like him?"

I lifted my head. "What?"

"Do you like him?" Kyle repeated.

I brushed my hair from my face. "I don't know," I replied. "I think maybe, but…."

"But I think you need to think about this on your own," Kyle cut in. "And go apologize to Butters. He's probably hurting right now."

I sighed. "You're probably right," I conceded. "I'll go by his house. I just don't know what to do."

Kyle placed his hand on my shoulder. "You need to weigh the pros and cons of this whole thing," he told me. "I can't figure it out for you. Only you can."

After a moment of silence, I got up and left Kyle's house. I started walking towards Butters' house, only right down the street. I walked slowly so I could stretch out the time.

Pros and cons...pros and cons. Well, let's start with the cons: it could possibly mess up our friendship, neither of us have dated anyone in a while and who knows if that could affect anything? Let's see...Butters' dad might not approve? My dad most definitely wouldn't. That's all I can think of.

Pros...well, Butters is nice. Almost too nice sometimes, but I guess that's not a horrible thing. He's been one of my closest friends for a while. He's funny. Like actually, really funny when he's not even trying. He's incredibly cute, especially when he smiles and his eyes light up.

Wait, what? Why am I thinking about that?

Okay, back to pros. He's incredibly supportive. And he's not going away to college, just like me. Although he may be going into the army. But then again, he might not.

Fuck it.

I reached Butters' house and I stared up the front walkway, almost afraid to walk down it. As I started towards the front porch, each inch seemed like a mile. I thought it would take me forever to reach the door. With each footstep, the pavement seemed to stretch farther and farther away from me. I felt my heart in my throat. I thought I was going to throw it up.

But I reached the door. I gave it a few light knocks, almost hoping no one would hear them. But the door did open, and Butters' mom was standing in front of me.

"Hi, Mrs. Stotch, is Butters back home yet?" I asked her shyly.

She shook her head. "Not yet," she informed me. "He just texted me a few minutes ago saying he was on his way back from Stark's Pond. Maybe if you walk there, you could catch him on the way."

I nodded. "Thanks, I'll do that," I said, and I pivoted off the front stoop back down the endless walkway.

As I turned onto the sidewalk towards Stark's Pond, I saw Butters not too far up the street. Shit, it's now or never.

I jogged up to him and I saw him look almost sheepishly away from me, as if he wanted to turn in the other direction.

"Butters, wait, please don't walk away!" I pleaded as I stopped in front of him. "I know I made a stupid mistake by running away back there."

Butters looked at me, and I could tell from the redness around his eyes that he had been crying. "You really hurt my feelings," he told me bluntly. "I needed to hear something, not just that you'd think about it."

I looked Butters right in the eyes. I had never really noticed how blue they were before. "I know, and I fucked up. I'm sorry," I apologized. "I panicked because I didn't know how to respond. I should have stayed and talked to you. I've just been scared recently. Everything is changing, and I'm not sure of anything anymore."

Butters stared at the ground now. "I don't see what that has to do with me," he mumbled, sounding broken and hurt.

Taking a chance, I took his hand. "I was afraid of ruining our friendship because I'm an idiot," I told him. "But now I can see that all I was doing was running away from it. I realized that I like you too, and I was just afraid of admitting it."

Butters looked up, almost surprised. "Y-you do?" he asked in disbelief.

I nodded. "I'm willing to give this a shot if you are," I smiled.

Butters didn't even respond. He just threw his arms around me into a giant hug. He was so warm, and something about that hug just felt so right.