It had been more than a week since they'd returned, and he hadn't said a word to me.
Tired of the little voice in my head telling me that it was my fault, that I'd wronged him, I decided to stomp down the hall to Lissa's room. A hesitated a moment, worried he was in there with her, but I swallowed my nerves and pounded on the door anyway.
No answer came, and I knocked again. Still no noise, so I pushed the door open. Inside, Farkas was asleep at the desk in the corner, hunch over the table top with his arms sprawled around him. It took all of my strength not to go to him, to help the sleepy Nord up and to his own bed, because there was just no way that was comfortable.
In the hall beside me, Vilkas' door opened. He had been sleeping too, his hair scraggly and his eyes just barely open. He squinted at me from his doorway. "Are you alright?"
I shuffled to close Lissa's doors, then turned to him. "Do you know where Lissa is?"
Vilkas blinked a few times, then scratched his beard. "What time is it?"
"Early."
He laughed a little. "She's not in her room?"
I pursed my lips. "Would I have asked if she was in there?"
"Easy, huntress." He leaned against his door frame. "She went to her brother's house last night, said she might just sleep there."
"Cassius isn't even—" I stopped myself, not having enough energy to argue with him. "Thanks." I said over my shoulder, walking away from him quickly.
I stomped out of Jorrvaskr, down the steps, past Heimskr's stupid tent, and down to the Plains District. It didn't take much time to reach Breezehome, and when I did, I didn't bother with knocking.
I opened the door, which wasn't locked for whatever reason, and scared the hell out of Lissa. She was drinking from a mug when I slammed the door open, and when she jumped it spilled all over her. Lydia laughed from the kitchen area of their home.
I rubbed the back of my neck. "Uh, sorry Lissa."
She glared at me, wiping the liquid off of her torso. "No problem, Aela. Thanks for knocking. Very courteous."
I snorted at her sarcastic comment, looking to Lydia. "Can I come in?"
"You already have, Aela." Lydia countered, a smile on her face. After I shut the door, I pulled a chair from the table in the corner up to the two chairs they were sitting in by the fire. Lissa stared at me, her brow furrowed. I hadn't really spoken to her since I helped her find clothes in the fort, and I felt a pang of guilt in my heart.
"Don't feel guilty." she said to me, right on cue. She shook her head, her now shoulder-length hair moving right along with her. "It's been a long week."
I laughed. "I forget you already know what the rest of us are feeling." Lydia joined us, sitting in the seat beside Lissa. "Where is your husband?" I asked her.
"Cass has gone back to Jarl Ulfric. They're working out the plans to take The Rift, or so he says." Lydia handed Lissa another mug of whatever she was drinking to replace the one she'd spilled on herself.
"Did you stay the night here, Lissa?" I asked, turning to the Harbinger.
Lissa nodded. "I meant to go back home, back to Farkas, but once I was out, I was out."
I nodded. "He was asleep on your desk when I left."
Lissa sighed. "I had hoped leaving him would force him to talk to someone. Maybe wander down the hall and say a few words to Vilkas. Maybe wander back to your room with a bottle of wine." She shook her head. "He's not well."
I took a deep breath. "Lissa, I really don't want to be this person…the person who has to be nosy and selfish, but I have to know what I did." At her confused look, I explained. "I know he's only talking to you, Lissa. I hear him mumbling every once in a while."
"Aela, you haven't done anything. He's hurting right now."
I swallowed my emotions, knowing she would feel them before I could explain. "Why won't he talk to me?" I asked, desperate for an answer. "Why won't he look at me?"
Lissa's face fell, her mouth stretching into an empathetic grimace. "Aela, it's really not my place to talk about this."
My thoughts flew from my lips like vomit. "Lissa, he won't even look at me. I'm worried…I'm worried it's my fault. I just need you to tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it."
Lissa shook her head. "You're not making any sense, Aela."
"While you were away, in Solitude," I began. "Farkas and I slept together. That's why Njada started that fight, she caught us."
Lydia's eyes widened, leaning back in her chair and listening to the story. "Just the once?" she asked.
"Well, no." I looked down at my feet. "And now I'm worried that…maybe that's all he wanted, and that's why he's ignoring me."
Lissa nearly choked on her drink. She set the mug down, probably deciding that it wasn't best to drink anything around me today. "Aela, that's the most heinous thing I've ever heard you say. You know Farkas loves you."
"Does he still?"
Lissa laughed. "Oh my gods, Aela." She shook her head. "Yes, of course he does. And you love him too."
I scowled. "Is it that obvious?" They both nodded. "I don't understand, then. What's wrong?"
Lissa looked at me sympathetically. "It's really not my place. You need to talk to him."
"What happened to him, Lissa?"
Lissa's face flushed of all color. "Aela, he saw something, when they were beating him. Something you need to discuss with him." She nodded to me. "He wants to talk to you, he just doesn't know how."
I nodded. "Then I'll make him talk."
"No, no." Lissa said. "I don't mean make him talk, I mean give him some time to figure it out for himself. He's hurting, Aela."
I thought for a moment, about how he'd helped me when I lost Skjor. When we lost Skjor. It came to me then, and I knew exactly what I had to do.
I stood then. "Thanks, Lissa. I have an idea." I turned on my heel, headed back to the door.
When I returned home, Farkas had moved. He wasn't in Lissa's room anymore, and I spent a few moments trying to find him. He had gone back to his room for the first time in days, and I, once again, opened the door without knocking.
He was inside, sitting on the edge of his bed. He looked up when I entered, but I didn't give him enough time to think before I started talking to him.
I sat across from him, cross-legged on the floor. Farkas looked so surprised that I had just barged in, and he opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.
"Once, something terrible happened to me. I lost someone, a man I loved, and I was just…numb. I spent days replaying images, finding his body again and again and again. I could hear his voice in my head, I could smell his musk lingering in his room. I was hollow and weak and unfeeling, barricaded in a coffin of nostalgic sorrow.
"And then, someone rammed their way into my coffin, sat on the floor with me, and talked to me. The same person who held me while I sobbed after returning home and hearing his last words from the mouth of another. The same person who held my hand at his funeral, who made sure I wouldn't vomit at the sight of his body on top of the forge. The same person who told me that I wasn't the only one hurting. The same person who told me not to shut him out.
"I know you're hurting, Farkas. I thought I'd lost you, and you're back, but I still haven't found you." I inched toward him, grabbing his hand with my own. "Please, don't shut me out."
He was silent for a moment, then he pulled his hand away from mine. He dropped his head into his hands, resting his elbows on his knees.
"I don't want to shut you out, Aela." he mumbled. "I just don't know how to act now that I know."
I was so confused. "What do you mean? What do you know?"
Farkas kept his face in his hands as he spoke. "The man was hitting me, and I was seeing pictures."
I shook my head. "Pictures?"
He took a few breaths before he continued. "He was going to kill me. I was close to dying." Farkas looked up at me, his eyes distant. "When Lissa came back from Gallows Rock after…I believed her, but I still didn't. Do I make sense?"
I thought for a moment, then realization dawned. I stared back at him, horrified. "You were in the Hunting Grounds?"
He nodded. "Yes."
"Why didn't you tell someone?"
"I told Lissa." he said to me. "I knew she would understand why I feel this way now."
"Because she's been there?"
Farkas looked me over, assessing whether or not he should continue. "Well, yeah. She's been there. But she's seen him, too."
I felt a lump form in my throat, threatening to suffocate me. I tried to swallow it. "You're talking about Skjor, aren't you?"
Farkas' face transitioned from uncertainty to regret. "I'm sorry, Aela. I know it hurts you to talk about him."
"It's okay, Farkas. I want to talk about this."
He took a deep breath. "I saw different things. Memories. Things that haven't happened yet. I saw us, together. So did Skjor, and he was so sad. It was like I had betrayed him. It was breaking his heart." He looked down at his hands. "I'm so in love you, Aela. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. Nothing will change that. It's just…hard to let myself love you, now that I know that he knows."
I stared at him, absorbing everything he told me. It was almost unbelievable. Before, it was easy to push away the things Lissa had said. But now, there was no way to avoid the thoughts, no way to pretend they weren't real.
I sat up on my knees, reaching up to hold his face in my hands. He looked so sad, and it was difficult to see him like that. "I think about that all the time."
He looked up at me. "You do?"
"Of course." I said to him. "I think about it all the time, whether he would be hurt or not. I know it would hurt him, to see us together. But I think it would hurt him even more to know that we were avoiding each other for him."
His hand snaked up my arm, putting his hand over mine. "Do you think so?"
"I know so. Skjor wouldn't want us to keep being sad, and I can't be sad anymore, Farkas. I've been sad for a very long time, and you make me so happy."
He smiled. "I do?"
"You do. I love you too, Farkas."
And just like that, all of the hurt was gone. Every ounce of lingering pain was flushed from my body, drained and cleansed and sealed with a kiss on the lips from the only person I needed in this world.
