Chapter Three: Unexpected
Even after the tears had stopped, I sat there, staring at the trees and the sun shining through the leaves. The light hit them just right, making them appear transparent, seeing their skeleton. Seeing what they were made of. Watching them was calming, letting my mind get the better of me. Eric's voice started to run through my head. He had told me he loved me. Those three words repeating over and over in my head. It gave me comfort. Despite everything that had happened afterward. More tears filled my eyes as I thought about him. I needed him more than I thought I would ever need another person. Taking a steadying breath, I wiped the tears from my cheeks. Hearing steps, I looked up to see Maggie.
"Hey." She said softly as she handed me my old sketchbook and a pencil. Grinning, I took them, paging through the memories of our childhood. "Remember that one?" She asked. It was one of Hazel as the evil scarecrow. "Boys at school had just told you about how evil it was. Controlling and wanting to keep everything for itself. Bossing kids around until you gave it what it wanted. You told me that the story reminded you of Hazel and then you did this." I laughed and nodded. "You were only eight and already so gifted."
"I still create art. I am the best tattoo artist that Dauntless has ever seen."
"I'd expect nothing less." She beamed at me. "Oh, and this one of Orchard. She lived a long time."
"Fifteen years." I nodded. "I grew up with that dog." She nodded. "I had almost forgotten about her."
"We're lucky we got to keep her at all. It was only because of Johanna making Mother agree that she work as well."
Laughing, I nodded. "Her cute little cart that she used to pull produce with. Not to mention she had excellent digging skills." She laughed and nodded. "I always thought it was unfair that Candor were the only ones allowed pets. Especially here. They would be very useful. Just like Orchard was."
"Yeah, you've always been different." She smiled and nudged me. Then she met my eyes with a raised brow. "But enough about the past." She grinned, turning to a blank page, tapping it. "Show me your guy."
Grinning, I nodded, "Eric."
"Tell me about him." She asked getting comfortable.
"You don't want me to tell you about him." I told her.
She frowned at me, "Why not?"
"Because he's not a good guy and you'll hate him just as much as everyone else if I tell you about him."
"Try me." She replied. "I'm the good sister."
Laughing, I nodded, "That you are, Mags. That you are."
"So?" She asked expectantly.
Sighing, I nodded. "He's allergic to nuts. His favorite color is blue. I used to think that that spanned from being born Erudite, but he associates it with calm." I told her as I started to sketch. "He only drinks black coffee and only allows himself one piece of cake each week, usually on Fridays. He is big on routine. If he has one, he sticks to it. He's become more flexible since we've gotten closer, but there are some things he just won't do out of order or at the wrong time. It drives me crazy sometimes. But then again, I've slowly become more routine oriented. It's his fault." Pausing, I met her eyes, smiling for a moment. "He never gets drunk." I went on. "He'll partake in the drink, but he never lets himself go past a slight buzz. And he's a sound sleeper. He makes these little grunting noises every now and again. It annoyed the crap out of me at first, but now it's almost like I need them in between his steady breaths and other soft noises in order to fall asleep. And don't even get me started on his lips. One touch from them and I'll instantly give in to him." I smirked at her, feeling a blush rise in my cheeks.
"It's not bad so far." She smirked back.
My smile disappeared and I sighed heavily, my hand still moving the pencil across the paper. "He's killed people. I couldn't begin to guess how many. He killed Neely."
"Neely's dead?" Maggie frowned.
"It was an accident, but it was his fault."
"Pen." She said sadly.
"I was there when she died. But the day she died was also the first time I slept with him."
A somewhat shocked expression crossed her face, "Come again?"
"Yeah, I slept with him before I actually ever talked to him. In fact, all we did was have sex until my mouth got in the way. Then it was Max. Then it was my friends. Then it was me again."
"Wow." She said but I didn't think it was because she was impressed.
"Yeah, that's a longer story that we don't really need to get into detail about." I smiled at her.
She nodded, "Yeah, maybe not."
"Anyway, as sweet and caring and gentle as he is with me, he can also be cold, manipulative, and just plain cruel. He was horrible. I hated him. Even when we decided to sleep together that first time, I hated him."
"But now you love him." She stated. "I'm sure there's a lot that happened between the two." I nodded, pausing my drawing. She settled in closer to me. "We've got time, Pen. Fill me in on everything."
Smiling, I nodded at her, "Okay."
Taking a deep breath, I delved into my story. It was easier than I had thought it would be. She had been the only family member to come visit me on Visiting Day. My parents had still been too upset to see me and Hazel flat out refused. I'd told her then about initiation and how I'd made friends. From there I briefly touched base on where I lived and what I did for a living. I told her about my apartment and my tattooing and the med area. Spending more time on my inking skills than anything, since I loved tattooing, I loved sharing my talent with my faction. Not to mention Tori. I went into detail about her, telling my sister about how supportive she was and how I could always count on her for anything. She was like another big sister or even a replacement for our mother. Either way, I wouldn't have lasted as long as I had without her. Maggie didn't quite understand why, but I wasn't getting into my Divergence, not yet.
From there I told her about Claude and Henry. She needed to know that my life wasn't bad in Dauntless. I told her about the antics we'd get into and how we cared about each other and supported each other day in and day out. How we confided in each other and had become closer than anyone can get to each other. Then I started to add Eric in. Telling her of how I had depicted him before I fell in love with him. How much he was hated by his own people. They had good reason to hate him and I painted a pretty good picture of why.
Then I told her how Neely died and how Eric and I started. How it had started in the heat of the moment and then evolved into something else. I didn't leave anything out. I told her about the coldness and the fighting and the making up again and the moments where we were simply content to lie in each other's arms. There was so much I wanted to say and yet I felt like I was dragging it out. When I paused and asked her if she'd heard enough, she had a childlike expression on her face when someone is reading you a good book. Smiling as she egged me on, I kept talking.
She didn't seem too phased by it, but I could see her dislike for him start to grow when I got to Tris and her initiation. Getting to when he turned cold, slamming me against the wall and hitting me, she had a lot of questions about why he acted the way he did. But I told her that it didn't matter. He had apologized and had shown me more of himself than anyone ever has. He was flawed; I never claimed that he wasn't. But I still loved him. Despite all the things he has done, that would never change. I would never turn from him.
"Are you afraid of what he's done since you left?" She asked.
"No." I said shaking my head. "I'm terrified."
The way she was looking at me told me that she was afraid to ask her next question, "What are you gonna do?"
"I don't know." I told her. "He needs me and now I'm stuck here with no idea where he is or what he's doing. More importantly, what is Jeanine making him do?" She looked at me sadly. "Sorry."
"It's fine." She said offering me a small smile. "And you're sure he loves you?"
"He told me he did."
"While he thought you were under a simulation?" She frowned trying to wrap her head around everything.
I nodded, "He didn't think I could hear him, let alone remember what he was telling me."
"So as far as he knows, you don't know."
"I don't know." I frowned, pausing before deciding to nonchalantly tell her the biggest secret I've been carrying around. "He knows I'm Divergent so -"
"What?!" She yelled before looking around and lowering her voice. "What?"
I looked at her nervously, "Yes, I am Divergent."
"Pen." She said with an air of awe.
"It's not as exciting as you might be thinking." I told her.
She looked around us before sighing, "You really are a rebel."
"Not on purpose." I told her with a sad tone. "Believe me, I wish I wasn't."
"Because then you could be with Eric?"
"That's part of it." I told her. "His job is to hunt my kind down. We're nothing more than an order to him."
"Except for you." She smirked.
"I hope so. Though Four and everyone hold no high hopes for him. He's just a killer in their eyes."
"Neely was a good person. I knew her well."
"I tried to help her."
"I know." She nodded with a smile.
Putting down the pencil, I handed her the book, "Here."
Taking it, a smile grew across her face, "He's very handsome."
Smiling, I nodded, "Yes, he is."
"He doesn't look so evil to me."
I had pictured him smiling, relaxed, and happy. "That's because this is how I remember him. Not for all the bad, but for the good he showed me every day. He's capable of so much more; he just needs someone to show him how. He can be a good man, I know it, Maggie. He can be, I just need to prove it to everyone else."
"You will, Pen. You will." She told me reassuringly.
Sitting and talking till the sun was below the horizon, we made our way back to the house, finding our family sitting around the table. They all looked at me with a smile, even Hazel, though there were still questions in her eyes. Giving them a small smile, I wasn't sure what to say or do. Maggie nudged me, walking to the kitchen and getting us both a glass of water. Still just standing there, my mother stood and walked around the table, embracing me.
"How are you holding up?" She asked.
I shrugged, wanting to say 'I don't know' but I knew that that answer would not suffice. "I'm doing okay."
"What do you think you and your people will do?" My father asked.
Sighing, I sat in my usual chair at the table, folding my arms on top of it, "Honestly, I don't think we'll be staying long. We're not made for peace. That is beaten out of us during initiation. We are fighters and we act out when someone pushes the right buttons. I have attempted to learn to control my temper and I've done okay with it. But I've already made mistakes since I've been here. I fought a member of Amity today. It won't just be Tris who ruins everything. It will be me too."
"Pen." Maggie said taking my hand, setting the water down in front of me, thanking her.
I pulled my hand out of hers. She frowned but just folded them in front of her. Sighing, I looked at my hands. "Tris is like a ticking time bomb. She's going to explode. It's just a matter of time. What I don't know is if it will be just her. If she starts to go off, I might just go off with her."
"You won't." My father stated.
Smiling, I shook my head, "You don't know me anymore."
"Have you told Johanna this?" My mother asked.
"No." I told her quickly. "And neither will you." I told them firmly. "Tris needs to feel like no one is watching her. If I say something then all eyes will be on her and she'll explode sooner rather than later."
"What about Four?" Hazel asked. "Can't he control her?"
"He can." I nodded. "But if he's not with her there isn't much he can do."
"Won't he watch her?"
"Hazel, she's his girlfriend, he's not going to smother her with constant contact. She's her own person. She'll just break if he's constantly there."
"In other words, there's nothing we can do to stop it." My father stated and sighed.
"No, there isn't." I confirmed. "After everything she's been through and seen, she's unstable. She has legitimate reasons, and I feel for her, but she's going to get us all into trouble."
"We'll help out any way we can." Maggie told me.
"Thank you." I smiled at her. Sighing, I spoke softly. "If she does break. If it's her and not me who ruins everything. I'll be there to defend her."
"You don't even like her." Hazel shot at me.
Nodding, I shrugged, "I admit that she has a unique way of pissing me off faster than most, but she's family. I will protect her."
They all seemed to grow quiet, the weight of their silence settling on my shoulders. I didn't know what they expected me to do, or Four for that matter. We were here for sanctuary. They were concerned for Tris only because she would be our downfall and I would leave them. Only I could ruin this too. I didn't think it would be me. But I was just as capable. My family wouldn't admit to it, but I was. Something told me the second time I left would be harder on them than the first. The longer the silence went on, the more eager I became to leave. It took all of me not to stand up and go find Four and the others. Hell, I'd even put up with Tris at this point.
"Hey, you need to see her guy Eric." Maggie stated, finally breaking the silence, grabbing the book and showing off the picture of Eric.
They had a slew of questions and Maggie answered every one of them. I was grateful for that. She painted a wonderful picture of him and how gentle and caring he was. How he had defended me and protected me. How he loved me but couldn't leave with me because it would raise suspicions. She made him sound like everything I wished he would be. I wished he was as kind and gentle as she made him sound. I wished he was the sweet-tempered man of my dreams. As far as they were concerned, he was. He was handsome and caring and he loved me. That's all that mattered. Everything has two sides and if all they saw was his good, I was okay with that.
When everyone started to disperse to bed, I went to my room, Maggie following me. I had told her that she was more than capable of sleeping in her own bed, but she insisted that she stay with me. My bed was too small for two people, but I did appreciate her closeness. It was nice to have a warm body next to me, despite that fact that I wished with all of me that it was Eric. Wanting to feel his muscles and his lips against my skin. Thinking of him made me happy.
Pausing my pencil, I couldn't sleep, unlike Maggie next to me. Sighing, looking down at the sketch of Eric I'd just finished, I felt emotion start to take hold of me. Slowly getting out of bed, tears were already hot against my cheeks as I slipped out of the room. It was late and the house was quiet, making me move as silently as possible. Reaching the top of the stairs I heard a noise, making me instinctively crouch and move forward. At the top of the stairs, I looked down to see my father slip outside.
Swiftly following him, I kept just far enough back that he wouldn't see me, making sure he was always in sight. He turned down alleyway after alleyway, weaving with purpose. Soon the greenhouses came into sight and I watched as another figure moved inside of one. My father started to jog, slipping inside after them. Running to catch up, I slowly opened the door, just enough to squeeze through. Staying crouched, I spider-crawled underneath a table, moving down the length of it, the room still quiet. At the end of the table, I looked between the legs, seeing my father sneak up behind the other, grabbing them and slamming them against the wall.
"Patrick." Marcus's voice broke the silence.
"Marcus." My father told him, hardness in his voice that I'd never heard before.
"What are you doing?" Marcus asked.
"What do you know?" My father countered.
"Patrick, I don't know what you're talking about."
My father pulled him away from the wall only to slam him against it again. Frowning, I watched with fascination. I'd never seen this side of my father before. It was oddly refreshing, making me want to jump out and support him. As far as I knew he was born and raised Amity, making his outburst toward an Abnegation leader extremely interesting to me.
"You do know what I'm talking about. You'd do well to remember who you're talking to." He shot at him.
Grinning, I lowered myself to my knees, enjoying this more than anything else since I'd arrived here. This was great.
"You know something, Marcus. What were you hiding? What was Andrew hiding?"
"Patrick –"
"Do not lie to me!" My father yelled at him. "You know what Jeanine is trying to keep quiet."
"I don't." Marcus replied. "If I did, don't you think I'd already have done something to stop this conflict?"
When my father spoke, it was through clenched teeth, "You thrive on conflict. For all I know you helped her start this war, putting my daughter in the middle of it."
Now Marcus reacted, shoving my father away from him. "I have nothing to do with your daughter's Divergence. Remember, my son is also one of the Divergent. You only have yourself to blame."
"Just as you do."
"Maybe if you had kept a closer eye on Pen you could have prevented her from defecting."
My father scoffed and shook his head, "And if you hadn't abused your family maybe you could have prevented Tobias from doing the same. As well as keeping your wife under your roof."
Marcus looked like he wanted to hit my father. If only he had been anything other than Abnegation. "Think what you want, Patrick."
"It's not something I think. It's the truth." My father replied. "There's no point it trying to lie. You know me better than that."
"Then you should believe me when I tell you that I don't know what Jeanine is planning."
"What's your next move?"
"I have to see what the children are going to decide first. Whether I like it or not, Tobias is in charge of our little party. Pen is his second."
My father scoffed, running his hand down his face as he paced away from Marcus. "She shouldn't be in charge of anything."
A small smile crossed Marcus' face, "She's a lot like you, Patrick. You should be proud of her. She's strong and brave and unafraid to do what's necessary. So far she's stayed true to herself."
"I am proud of her." My father shot at him, turning to face him. "I'm more proud of her than any of my children. She's become everything I'd ever hoped she would. Despite her choice of company."
"I hope you mean Eric." Marcus frowned at him. My father nodded, getting a silent sigh from me under the table. "He'll ruin her."
"She can take care of herself." My father told him matter-of-factly. "She doesn't need you or anyone else looking out for her. Pen will take care of Pen. No matter what that entails." My chest swelled with pride toward my father, loving him more and more. He sighed and nodded. "I can't stop her from following Tobias. But if you insist on staying in this fight, I must ask you to keep her safe."
Marcus raised a brow at him, "She wouldn't let me do one kind thing for her. She punched me within thirty seconds of meeting me. I'm pretty sure killing me would make her day."
"She's a good judge of character."
Marcus scoffed and nodded, "What are you and Lillian going to do?"
"We're going to remain here for now. I have my other daughters to worry about. If Johanna decides to join the fight and asks for others to follow, I'm sure my wife and I will be among the volunteers."
"That oldest of yours is a real piece of work." He stated. "Hearing her talk to Caleb, all I can see is Jeanine when she was her age."
Frowning, I looked at my father, waiting for him to defend his eldest. But instead of defending her, he nodded, sighing loudly. "I know."
Marcus nodded and moved toward the door, turning back to my father with his hand on the knob. "Keep your family safe, Patrick. When I learn anything I will send word. And I'll keep Pen as safe as I can."
My father nodded, "Thank you."
With that Marcus left and my eyes are still on my father. He moved to the wall, putting his hands against it, bowing his head between his arms, taking a deep breath. Pushing himself off of it, he turned and leaned against it, sliding down it until he was crouched. Running his hand down his face, he sighed again, a furrow moving across his brows.
"Have you been there the whole time?" He frowned, his eyes meeting mine despite the darkness.
Crawling out from under the table, I stepped up to him, kneeling in front of him as he finally sat on the ground. "Yeah."
He smiled and shook his head, "I didn't want you to see that."
Shrugging, I smirked at him, "I know, but I really enjoyed seeing it."
"Your thoughts?" He asked.
Sitting down, bringing my knees up against my chest, I thought a moment. "I think Marcus really doesn't know anything. I think Jeanine has been keeping her end game to herself. The only thing we're sure of is that she's after the Divergent. After that it's not clear. It could have to do with the simulations. It could be to harness us as weapons. Who knows? I sure as hell don't. All I know is that she wants us. She wants us healthy and in one piece. After I was shot she tried to have me killed. Natalie's the reason I'm alive. After that, we fled and haven't heard anything else." He nodded and I couldn't help but see understanding in his expression. Frowning, I leaned toward him, "I'm starting to think you know more than I do and I was there."
"I don't." He replied.
"What did you mean when you told Marcus to remember who he was talking to?" He met my eyes, remaining silent. "It's a little late for secrets, Dad."
"No, it's not." He told me. "Right now keeping certain secrets is the key to surviving."
"So you do know something."
"I know something." He admitted. "But not so much about what's going on right now. More about what has been."
"Can you elaborate on that?" I asked, heavily confused.
"No." He stated bluntly.
"Dad." I frowned.
"Pen." He smirked back at me.
"Dad." I repeated.
"Pen."
Heaving a heavy sigh, I couldn't help but smile at him. "Fine." I told him, lifting my chin. "Will you tell me someday?"
He nodded, "Yes, Pen. I'll tell you. But things are volatile right now. The less you know the safer you will be."
"You don't know that." I stated. "For all you know you're killing me sooner by not telling me."
His smile never faltered, "Nah. In this I know I'm right. I've been around a lot longer than you."
Laughing lightly, I shook my head at him. "Amity sure as hell doesn't feel like Amity anymore."
"You've seen our house and that's pretty much it. Amity is still Amity. You'll have to help with chores and then you'll see. If you can handle your temper long enough that is."
Laughing a little harder, I nodded, "I'll be fine if I could just rally the support of my sister."
"Hazel is lost. I don't know when it happened but your mother and I have tried to help her. She doesn't seem to want it. Then when you showed up it was like bragging to her. You have the life she wanted, maybe not the faction, but the life." Nodding, I felt emotion in my chest again. "Hey." He said leaning forward and taking my hand. "Everything is going to be fine. You know we'll protect you as best we can." I nodded again, swallowing the lump in my throat. "And you need to do whatever you have to do to stay alive. Promise me."
Smiling, I nodded yet again, "I promise, Daddy."
"Good girl." He said returning it.
Walking back to the house, we reminisced about before I defected. He asked a few questions about my life since, not seeming to be surprised in the slightest. I had forgotten how much I loved talking to my father. I was like him. More like him than I had thought I was. It made being here better and worse. I loved that I held more of him then I thought I did, but it also complicated my decision to leave without caring. I did care. But after everything I still knew I was going to leave. Without question and without hesitation.
