Chapter Four: Living an Old Life

Come morning, I had only slept a few hours and had managed to fill the majority of the sketchbook with drawings of Eric and home. Maggie was asleep next to me as I watched the sun rise through the window. When I couldn't stand sitting anymore, I slowly crawled from the bed, putting on a red shirt with a pair of brown pants, knowing that we'd have to hold up our end of the deal, working with the Amity during their daily chores. Slipping on a pair of working boots, I went to the orchard and started to climb a tree, finding a dip where I could sit comfortably. It was nice to be higher up with the wind blowing in my face and the sun sending colors into the sky.

Knowing that the chores would be starting soon, I waited until the first people started to arrive; I made myself known, starting to toss down the apples to the people below me. Once the lower levels were picked, I climbed as high as I could to get to the apples that most were too afraid to go after. A few even hollered for me to be careful, but I'd done far more dangerous things than this. This was a piece of cake.

As soon as the baskets were full, I assisted my mother in picking the ripe beans from the garden, and then helped my father milk the cows in the barn, scraping off the cream on top that was taken to be turned. It was just like old times. I got sweaty, and dirty, and was completely content. Little did better as a distraction then a hard day's work. I knew it couldn't last but for now I would cherish it. After we left here we would have to fight and survive on whatever we could find on our own. Looking for any piece of hospitality as we roamed the city, trying to figure out what our next move should be. And for that I was drawing a blank. Do we go home? Do we disappear? Do we fight? Do we hide? I had no idea where we were going to go. But something told me that events would take place and force our hands one way or the other. It was just a matter of time.

That night, dinner felt like it always had. My sisters and I helped Mom cook while Dad read the latest news. Though, more often than not, I caught him watching me. My father and I had always been close. I think it was hardest to leave because of how much I would miss him. Him and Maggie. I loved my mother and Hazel but I had bonded with my father and Maggie in a way different then I had with them. It wasn't meant to hurt them; I was just the way it had turned out.

Smiling, he returned it, going back to reading the paper. Gently shoving him when the time came to set the table, he took a jab at my side, making me jerk away from him. Only the act made my smile falter. There was only one man who knew exactly where to grip me to make me squirm. One man who made me feel alive.

Eric.

Feeling awkward, I shifted away from him, getting a look in return. Putting my hand on his shoulder, I pressed a kiss against his cheek, then continued to help. He seemed to understand, a sad expression moving across his face. Giving him the best reassuring look I could muster, he sighed, raising a brow at me in response. I just silently laughed, shaking my head as a broad smile crossed my face, trying to focus on setting the table. Glancing up at him he was smirking at me now.

Everything was prepared, everyone smiling and laughing as we fell back into the time when this was an everyday occurrence. I was the last to the table, setting down the bottle of milk, when there was a knock on the door. We all froze, my hand still on the neck of the bottle. My father met my eyes and I swiftly and silently moved to the window, pulling back the shades just enough to see by the door. Letting out the breath I had been holding, I sidestepped and opened the door.

"Hey." I smiled at Four, Tris standing next to him. "What's going on?" I frowned when he didn't reply immediately.

"Just checking in." He told me. "Wanted to know if you wanted to grab dinner with us."

Smiling, I opened the door further, looking back at my mother. She smiled and stood, still looking at me. I held up two fingers, nodding, before going back to the kitchen. "You should stay here and have dinner with us." I told him.

Tris shook her head, but Four nodded, ignoring her as he stepped inside. My family watched every move that they made. Maggie quickly got up and grabbed another chair for Tris to sit in. Both smiled at each other while Four and I took our seats, him on my right and my father on my left. My mother put a plate, glass, and silverware in front of both of them before returning to her seat.

"Let us pray." She smiled. Neither Tris nor Four were phased by that, both bowing their heads before the rest of us. "Pen?" She smiled sweetly.

Smiling, I nodding, taking a deep breath, "We thank for the gift of food, the warmth of a home, and the blessing of the company we share. May we always know the kindness of others, and the strength to do what we must. May we have courage to fight our oppressors and the knowledge to know right from wrong. Amen."

"Amen." All but Tris repeated.

I didn't think her adverse to praying, finding her lack of response a little unusual. Four just smiled and gently touched my hand, getting a look from his girlfriend that could only be taken for jealousy. Despite the fact that she knew I was madly in love with her least favorite person on the face of the earth.

Eric.

He flooded my mind and for a long moment I just stared at my plate, my stomach turning as my need for him rose. Where was he? What was happening to him? Was he okay? Feeling nausea start to take hold, I felt an arm slide along the back of my chair.

"Everything's okay, Opie." Four whispered softly.

"No, it's not." I whispered back, meeting his eyes. He sighed, his jaw tight. "You know what I want, Tobias. So, no, it's not okay."

He nodded, running his hand down the back of my head. Then we noticed all eyes were on us. Smiling, I sighed, trying not to dwell on Eric. Starting to take food, the others following suit, thought the table was uncharacteristically quiet for my family. Apparently no one had anything light and fluffy to say. The room was full of heavy tension, the weight of questions unanswered practically tangible in the air. But leave it to my sister to say something inappropriate and callous toward the person who needed it the least.

"Do you have any family left, Tris?" Hazel asked.

"Hazel." I shot at her, kicking her shin underneath the table. Tris looked at me expectantly. "I'm sorry." I told her, shaking my head before looking at my sister. "She won't speak again unless it's with respect and on subjects much less personal."

Hazel glared at me, but I could count on Maggie to make up for her. "I heard you jumped first during initiation." She grinned. "That was very brave of you. Especially for your first day. Even Pen didn't jump first."

"I was third." I replied quickly. "Which isn't too bad if I say so myself."

Tris smiled, "I didn't know you were third."

"We can't all be as awesome as you." I smiled back. She knew I didn't think her all that awesome, but it was appropriate for the time being. "And I couldn't have been first even if I wanted to." I added.

"Claude?" Tris smiled, taking a bite of food. It was clear that she was enjoying it. As well as the company.

I nodded, "She's a beast." I smiled.

"I've never gotten into it with her. Something I'm grateful for." She replied.

"You should be." Four smirked. "I've only fought with her once and I'm not ashamed to say that I lost horribly."

Scoffing before laughing, I nodded again, "I like to compare myself to her, but even I don't beat you very often."

"You can though." He told me. "You just need to be prepared to take a beating."

"Ha!" I said and laughed again. "Like the beating you gave me that put me in the med area for nearly a week?" All of us Dauntless laughed, only then I realized that the rest of the table had gone quiet, making us all quiet and stare at our plates, clearing our throats. "Sorry." I told them softly.

"Don't be." Maggie smiled, she was the only one who was. "I thought it was fascinating." Winking at her, I smiled, loving her more and more.

"Fighting is beneath you." Hazel muttered under her breath.

"Fighting is what Dauntless does." I retorted. "It's how we protect the city."

"Couldn't protect yourselves." She muttered even softer.

Before I could react, Four was on his feet, his knife gripped tightly in his hand. My parents were on their feet as well. From where I sat, I gripped his wrist tightly, making him look down at me. "It's okay." I told him. "Sit down."

"She's being disrespectful." He stated but did as he was told.

"I know." I nodded. "She's the oldest. I never said my family was perfect."

Everyone sat down again, my father's hand in a fist, the other covering it as he brought them to his lips. "Hazel, you can be excused."

"Dad." She frowned.

"Go." He told her, meeting her eyes. She glared at me before standing and leaving the table. "I'm sorry, Tobias." He said looking at Four. He turned his head, meeting my father's eyes. "She's not normally like this. I think she's taking the conflict harder than we thought."

"It's okay." Four said with a small smile. "I apologize for making a scene."

"It's okay, Tobias." My mother smiled. "We're usually more put together than this. We are the faction of peace after all."

"It's my fault." I said meeting my mother's eyes. "I shouldn't have come here."

My father gripped my hand, "Don't say that. We want you here."

"Thank you, Dad." I smiled at him.

There was another long pause before he smiled, clapping his hands together. "Okay, enough of the hard talk. Let's just enjoy our meal and hear a few more stories from your time in Dauntless."

Smiling, it didn't take much to prompt a story from Four. He really had impeccable people skills. Tris and I added or edited along the way, sending laughter and good feelings through the room. When everyone had eaten their fill, all us girls helped clean up the kitchen, making sure every dish was clean, dry, and put away; while the men sat in the living room and talked about whatever it was that they were talking about.

When we were done, I slowly walked into the living room, hoping to hear what they were saying. Four was too good though, saying my name before I was even in sight. Narrowing my eyes at him, I joined him on the couch, my father suggesting that Maggie get her guitar. I had completely forgotten about her guitar. She was a beautiful player. Sitting on the coffee table, she warmed her fingers up, tightening strings and such until she was happy with them. Then she started to play. It was beautiful. After a few minutes Hazel slowly came down, sitting on the bottom step, listening to our sister play. To make it complete, Maggie started to sing, her voice melodic. She was perfect in nearly every way. I didn't know how I'd gotten so lucky to have a sister like her, but I adored her. Her words beautiful and she sang with such passion, I didn't know where she came up with it.

Even though you're far away
You're never far from me
No matter where you go
I'll still be waiting here

Smiling, I shut my eyes, letting her voice take me over.

Forever and a day
I'll still be waiting here
Until you're once again
Wrapped safe within my arms

Eric filled my mind, making tears brim in my eyes, slowly sliding down my cheeks. Though all the while I was smiling. Part of me felt like she was singing for me, but I didn't want to seem that narcissistic.

It doesn't matter what you've done
As long as you remember
No matter where you go
I'll still be waiting here

It was late into the night when she finally set her guitar aside, leaving the room quiet. There were many emotions tangible in the air. Looking at Four and Tris, he had his arm around her, as she nestled against his side. Both had content looks on their faces. It was hard not to be touched by Maggie. She was extraordinary in every way. You could feel every emotion she put into it, having a calming effect on the couple next to me. It was nice to see. We'd been so stressed over the past days that to feel a sense of calm was welcoming and so very needed. If only it could stay this way. And seeing Tris this way made me like her more. She was always so guarded and defensive. But seeing her lower them, taking in the music, I could see why Four loved her so much. If only she could learn to keep her mouth shut every once in a while. It would make life just a tad bit easier.

When the silence started to get heavy, all the good feelings being pushed down by reality, Four and Tris stood, making their way to the door. "Thank you for having us." Tris smiled at my mother as she followed them to the door. "Maggie is a beautiful player. You have a beautiful family."

"You're welcome any time." She smiled putting her hand on Tris' arm. "That extends to even when you leave here."

Tris immediately tensed and I knew that she was thinking of her own mother. It was written all over her face. Without warning, she wrapped her arms around my mother's neck, hugging her tightly. It was unusual for an Abnegation to hug but something told me she needed it far more than any of us knew. Her parents were dead while both of mine were right here, alive and touchable. She needed that. Maybe I had misjudged her. Maybe she wasn't as bad as I thought.

"See you tomorrow?" Tris asked me.

"Yeah." I nodded back with a smile.

"See you later." Four said touching my arm. "Very nice, Maggie." He smiled and shook her hand.

As soon as they were gone, my mother got an odd look on her face, like she wanted to cry and yet couldn't bring herself to call upon tears. She went to the kitchen, making herself busy while my father went upstairs, neither of them saying a word. I watched them, wondering what secrets they've been hiding from me.

"They know something." I told Maggie as she stepped next to me.

"I know." She replied, making me give her a look, her expression serious. "They've been weird since the attack on Abnegation. Then with you mentioning Tris's parents..."

"They knew them."

"But how? When?"

"I don't know." I said shaking my head.

"Maybe they are just shocked that a faction would do that to another." Hazel added. Maggie and I exchanged a look before we both looked at her. "What? We don't know, so why are you jumping to conclusions?"

"What are you girls talking about?" Our mother smiled.

"How did you know Natalie and Andrew Prior?" I asked her. Her smile disappeared and she crossed her arms. "Mom."

"Pen, there are some things that just don't need to be brought up. The past is the past for a reason."

"What kind of answer is that?" I frowned at her, stepping closer to her. "What do you know about what's going on?"

"Penelope, I don't know anything." She told me with a hard tone.

"You do." I stated just as firmly. "You know more then you're letting on and I need to know what it is. The more information we have the better chance we have of winning this thing."

"You don't have to fight." She frowned at me. "This isn't up to you."

"Is that why you won't tell me?" I frowned back at her. "Do you think that will make me stay? I am not staying, Mother!" I yelled, feeling guilty immediately afterward, her expression turning somber. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. It's just…" I started, pausing and glanced as Hazel, I wasn't sure if I wanted her to know or not. But she was bound to find out eventually. "My life might hang in the balance of this war that we've started." I finished. "So it is imperative that you tell me what you know."

"What do you mean your life?" She frowned with fear in her eyes.

"They are searching for the Divergent." I stated. Her eyes grew wide and I nodded at her. "This is bigger than you know, Mama, and I am smack dab in the middle of it."

"Patrick!" She called up the stairs.

He appeared at the top of them, looking down at her, and she simply nodded at him. He sighed as his shoulders slumped, running his hand down his face, a glistening in his eyes. In the next second he was rushing down the stairs, gripping my arm and leading me toward the door. "You should leave now. You shouldn't wait."

"Why?"

"If Johanna tells the others about making our faction a sanctuary, they'll know you're here and they will come to look for you."

"I know." I nodded. "But where are we supposed to go?"

"Anywhere."

"Dad." Maggie said gripping my wrist. "We can protect her."

"How?" He shot at her. "How, Maggie? She's Divergent. There is no safe place for her to go. Especially when everyone will be allowed into our faction. If the Erudite and their Dauntless soldiers come here, they're already dead. They need to go."

"I'll talk to the others in the morning." I nodded, taking a step away from the door, his hand still gripping my arm, bringing my hand to his forearm.

"No." Maggie said meeting my eyes. "You just got here. We just got you back. Two days is not enough time."

"I know." I nodded, running my hand down her hair. "But it won't be forever. Once this is done, I'll come back to show you how Divergent I can be." Smiling at her reassuringly, she just looked at me. "Maggie, I know this is scary but I'll be okay."

"You're the baby, Pen. You're not supposed to be doing this. Not alone."

"I'm not alone." I told her. "I have people looking out for me, who I in turn have to look out for."

"What if Eric comes looking for you? Don't you want to be here for him?" She asked with a hopeful expression on her face.

She had hit the right button and it took a long time for me to answer. "He's working with Erudite. He's their attack dog. He's not going to be able to help me. I can't worry about him right now. Or being with him. I need to worry about me and those I'm with. If we get another chance than I'll welcome it when the time comes. But right now he's the last person I want to see. If they force him to shoot me, what then?"

"He wouldn't." Maggie frowned.

"He would!" I yelled at her, pulling from my father's grip. "Stop trying to make him out to be some kind of hero! He's not a hero, Maggie! He will shoot me in self-preservation. He may not kill me because he loves me, but then I'll be taken to Jeanine who will kill me. It's his job to find, capture, and turn in anyone who is Divergent. I don't know what Jeanine wants with us but as far as I know it's not something you come back from."

"Stop it." Hazel said with tears in her eyes. "Just stop it. Both of you. Maybe the situation isn't as dire as you think it is. Maybe she's doing what's best for our society."

"Hazel." My father said looking at her with slight shock. "Have you been listening at all to what's been going on?"

"I have, and I still think the factions need to remain intact. Abnegation can repopulate and the rest of us just need to do what she asks to preserve our way of life."

"This is no way to live!" I yelled at her. "I won't be alive to see the world you're talking about. Do you really want me dead?"

"Have you tried to not be Divergent?" She asked.

"It's not like that! It's who I am!" I yelled, slamming my hand against my chest.

"Well, don't be that way!"

Anger was boiling in my veins, making me lower my voice. "Do you think it's something I can just turn on and off?" I frowned at her, trying to control my shaking. "I was born this way. This isn't something that I picked up along the way."

"So you're blaming Mom and Dad." She stated. "Real mature."

I was yelling again, "I'm not blaming anyone, Hazel! What the hell is wrong with you?!" I wasn't just angry but I was hurt as well. Lowering my voice again, I took a step toward her. "You're acting just like the people who are trying to kill me. Why are you acting this way?"

"I'm simply being honest with my sister."

"And you're siding with Jeanine." I stated, my brows furrowed as far as they would go.

"I'm just having trouble seeing your side of it."

Scoffing, laughing lightly, I stepped away from her. I felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. My own sister was an Erudite in Amity clothing. Looking at Maggie, she was shaking, a tear sliding down her cheek as she stared at Hazel. My mother looked like she didn't know what to do and my father looked like he wanted to hit his eldest and wasn't moving to keep himself from doing so.

Feeling my own tears sting in my eyes, I sighed, nodding at Hazel, my voice soft, "Clearly you're not the sister I thought you were."

"And what kind of sister would I be if I wasn't honest?!" She yelled in return.

"A good one." I replied and moved toward the door. "I need some air."

"Pen." My mother said shaking her head.

Without meeting her eyes, I replied, "I won't be long."

"I'll go too." Maggie said swiftly following me.

Leaving, I strode through the streets, trying to calm myself down. For a long while Maggie just walked with me in silence. I didn't feel like talking. My parents knew more than they were letting on, Hazel was becoming no better than the people I was fighting against, and I had no idea what move to make next. Maggie was the hope I was trying so hard to cling to. Hoping that Eric would come swooping in and save me from this conflict. But he wasn't going to. I wished he would. I missed him. Feeling tears, I pushed them away, now was not the time for them. He wasn't here and there was a chance I'd never see him again. I had to let him go and not dwell on my need for him.

"I'm sorry." I told her shaking my head. "Being here has caused more trouble than I had wanted. I thought being back with my family would help me be strong. And I think you all have, but it's making me strong enough to leave you behind and never look back."

"I know." She replied. "But things have been different. They've been using the serum more often and yet some of us have not taken part in it. It's made tensions in our house rise."

"Give some to Hazel and make her shut up." I frowned.

"I don't know what's gotten into her." Maggie said shaking her head. "I just - I mean - if she wanted to defect then she should have. Now she's just taking it out on you."

"And she'd be a part of the faction I'm fighting." I sighed.

"You think?"

"I really do, Mags. With all her questions and how she was defending Jeanine, I'm positive that she should be in Erudite. Something tells me she's going to turn her back on me before this is over."

"She wouldn't do that. Not to you. Even if she is more Erudite than Amity."

"Right now none of you are acting like Amity." I shot at her. "Maybe you, but that's it."

"I was born for Amity. But I'll protect my sister until the world ends."

Smiling, I wrapped my arm around her, resting my head against hers. "Thank you."

"I'd do anything for you, Pen. You're my favorite."

Laughing, I wrapped my other arm around her, "You're my favorite too."

Walking till we were sure our family would be asleep, we returned, going upstairs and crawled into bed. She once again lay with me, nestled against my back. It was nice to have her close. It made sleep easier to come by. Closing my eyes I concentrated on the sound of her breathing, the rise and fall of her chest against my back. It was comforting, giving me something to focus on until sleep finally took me.

The halls were silent, my steps echoing in every direction. Trying to keep quiet, I pressed myself against the stone wall, hiding in the shadows as steps approached. When they came into sight, I frowned, stepping from the shadows.

"Max." I said swiftly moving to him.

He gripped my shoulders, his weight falling against me. Wrapping my arms around him, I attempted to lower him to the floor as gently as possible, something warm soaking into my clothes. My breathing started to become ragged as I leaned him against the wall, seeing that blood was spilling from him. I was covered in it. I was so sick of being covered in blood.

"Max." I repeated, covering at much of his wound as I could.

"They're coming." He told me.

"What?" I frowned, my heart racing.

"They're coming." He repeated. "Find him. Save him." Staring at him, I nodded. Then a smile broke across his face, blood spilling from the corner of his mouth. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked, my voice thick.

"For trying to keep you two apart. I know better now…at the end."

"It's not the end." I smiled at him. "You'll be okay."

The words were barely out of my mouth when his chest rose for the last time, his eyes locked on mine as his face relaxed. Tears streamed and I ran my hand down his face, shutting his eyes. Checking him for a weapon, I found a knife at his thigh. Gripping it tightly, I put my hand against his cheek, sighing before nodding. Taking a deep breath, I started to move down the hall again. With every step I took, it seemed as if the noise was getting louder.

Finally making it to the Pit, my eyes grew wide as I took in the fight before me. Hearing a sound, I turned just in time to see Henry, his arm coming down on top of me, his knife in his hand. Gripping his wrist, he forced me to the ground.

"Henry! What are you doing?!" I yelled at him, my arm already starting to burn with the effort.

Looking at him, his expression was blank. It was like he was looking at me but he wasn't actually seeing me. He was under a simulation. They'd gotten inside. Pushing against him, I managed to get my knee up, forcing him just far enough away from me to get in a good punch. He stumbled, falling to the side as I scrambled away from him. He was on his feet faster than I was. Turning to face him, I still held the knife in my, now shaking, hand. He turned toward me, still looking but not seeing. The Henry I knew would rather die than hurt me.

"Please don't make me do this." I told him softly. "Please, Henry."

Then he was lunging at me. Feeling pain across the top of my shoulder, it was nothing compared to the groan that came from him. We both looked down, my knife buried in his gut. Though in the next second, he swung his arm, bringing his knife toward my own. Swiftly gripping his wrist again, I freed my knife, spinning it in my palm before thrusting it into his chest. It took only a moment for him to go limp, his knife clattering to the ground as he slumped against me. Sobbing, holding him tightly against me, I lowered him to the ground. Taking a moment to grieve, I pressed my forehead against his chest. Gripping his blond locks, I could feel the blood soaking into them, turning them red. Screaming into him, I stood as fast as I could, avoiding looking down at him.

I just killed Henry.

Henry.

The blond haired, blue-eyed boy who had been my first love and one of my closest friends. I killed him. So this is what being a murderer feels like…

Swiftly moving down into the crowd, my eyes searched for Eric. He had to be here somewhere. He had to. Hearing Claude, I spun, seeing her back to back with Eric. There was a circle of Simulation Dauntless surrounding them. Rushing forward, I stabbed one in the back of the head, pulling the knife free as they crumpled to the ground. Swiftly joining the love of my life and another of my closest friends, we started to kill them, fighting back with as much force as they did. All they wanted was to kill us. But if it was going to be us or them, then it sure as hell was going to be them.

Minutes ticked by and I heard a gunshot and then Claude yelled out again. Turning toward her, blood was running through her fingers, her hand latched across the side of her neck. Rushing to her, I tried to get her to move her hand but blood spurted with the motion. Knowing what was going to happen, I put my hand over hers, offering her the best smile I could muster.

"I love you, Claude. Everything is going to be alright." I told her. She opened her mouth to say something, but only managed pained noises as she was met with a mouthful of blood, running from the corners and down over her chin. "I know." I nodded. "I know. You did good."

She died moments later, leaving me once again to grieve the loss of my family. Slowly standing, it was as if everything was moving in slow motion. I saw Tori briefly before she was littered with bullets, falling dead to the ground. I watched as Terra was stabbed through the neck. Nathan was shot next. Simmy was crouched nearby, helping a wounded Rebel when she was shot at pointblank from behind. Everyone I ever cared about or knew was dying before me.

"PEN!" My name was screamed.

Spinning, Four was running toward me, Tris cradled in his arms. She was dead. There was no question about that. We must have been unprepared for them. They must have surprised us and then slaughtered us. Falling to my knees with him when he reached me, he had tears streaming down his face. Trying to comfort him, I didn't notice the soldiers closing in. I heard Eric yell my name, my arm being grabbed right before there was a hail of bullets where I'd just been kneeling, Four falling over Tris' body, swiftly joining her in what lies after death.

"Pen." Eric said softly, turning me toward him.

Taking his face in my hands, I kissed him passionately. "I love you." I knew this was the end.

He smiled at me, wiping the hair from my face. "I love you."

Then there were more gunshots, pain searing through my body. Eric arched against me, his weight forcing me to the ground. He landed next to me, his eyes meeting mine before they glazed over and death took him. Then I was screaming…

Waking in a cold sweat, my breathing rapid, I sat up, seeing Maggie watching me. "Morning." I smiled running my fingers through my damp hair, attempting to play it off as nothing. She smiled at me sadly, making me think the screaming wasn't just in my head. "I kept you up, didn't I?"

"Not too much." She shrugged.

"Was I loud?" I asked with furrowed brows. She just smiled even sadder at me, if that were possible. "Jesus, Mags, just tell me."

She sighed. "You were screaming pretty good for a while there. Yelling Eric's name." I nodded at her. "Is that what you fear more than anything? Losing him?"

Tears swiftly brimmed and fell, running down my cheeks as I nodded at her. "Yeah. I can't - I mean - if something happens to him - and if I can't -" I sighed, giving a short laugh, and nodded again. "Yeah."

"Shower quick and we'll go to the cafeteria today." She told me. "Hopefully we can avoid the family for a while."

Nodding, I did as I was told, dressing in the same old bright colors. Meeting Maggie downstairs, we had been lucky enough to not wake the family. If we did, they were being nice by not bothering us. Then we made our way toward the sound of happiness. Peoples' laughter and talking already audible this early in the morning. I wished I could appreciate it, but I was anything but happy. I felt exhausted and angry and worried. I didn't think I could stay here much longer without acting. I needed to do something. I needed to find Eric. I needed to find Claude and Henry and Tori and everyone else from my faction. I needed them now more than ever.

Making our way through the doors, I felt like eyes were immediately on me. My hair was down, showing the color I'd put into it. My tattoos were uncovered, letting them see the ones that were visible. I was met with more smiles than anything, though some ducked their heads or averted their eyes. Going through the line of food, it took twice as long as everyone else, making me feel bad for those that were behind me. Several of them wanted to talk, asking how I was and letting me know how happy they were that I had survived the Abnegation attack. Instead of making me feel better about it, I felt guilty. Many had died that day. Andrew and Natalie. Many men, women, and children, all at the hands of Dauntless under a simulation. If only they knew what had really happened. The sacrifices that had to be made in order to stop the simulation and free those under Jeanine's heel.

Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I swiftly moved away from the touch, only to be met with a smile and nod from an Amity member. Samantha. She had chosen the same year as I had, remaining in Amity. I smiled apologetically and nodded at her. Maggie swiftly and gently pushed me further down the line, finishing, and as quickly as possible, moved to an empty table.

Sitting down, I sighed heavily, "Well, that was fun."

"They still love you and just want you to know that." Maggie replied.

Nodding, I sighed again, "I wish they'd love me less. All it's doing is making me feel guilty."

"Most of these people remember when you were born." She went on, a fond smile on her face. "And the rest either grew up with you or have heard about you. It's not like they haven't been talking about you since the second you showed up here. Even before that a few came to our door asking if Mom and Dad needed anything."

"Really?" I asked with furrowed brows. She just nodded and raised hers as if my question was ridiculous. "Again, it doesn't make me feel any better. I've put you all in danger by coming here. When the Dauntless traitors come for us, who knows who's going to be caught in the crossfire."

"We'll be fine." She stated nonchalantly.

"Promise me that when they come you won't interfere." I frowned at her, suddenly fearing for her.

"I can't do that." She told me with the same tone. "You're my sister."

"As your sister I am asking you to stay out of it. I can handle myself and I'll have the backup of my faction members. My family. I need you to stay clear and stay safe."

"I won't hide, Penelope." She stated with a hard tone. The first time she's used my full name since I'd gotten here.

"If they kill me and go after my family you need to already be gone." I stated.

"And what about the rest of the family?" She frowned, ignoring the part about me dying. Only then she added, "And you're not going to die."

"I might." I nodded at her. "I might and you need to be okay with it."

She frowned, pushing her plate away from her, "You sound like you're already trying to say goodbye."

"Our next moment is never guaranteed." I stated softly yet blandly.

"Really?" She frowned at me.

"Careful." I smiled, pushing her plate back toward her. "They might make you eat some bread."

"I kind of loathe you in this moment." She said but started to eat again.

Laughing lightly, I started to eat as well, unable to stop myself form looking around and seeing the home where I had grown up. To cheer her up, I started to talk about memories from when we were young. Though the more I talked, the more I realized that our childhood was officially over. We were all grown-up, making our own decisions and making our mark on the world. Something I was growing eager for. I'd already decided where I belonged and I'd do anything to get back to Eric. To my home.

We were happily talking and laughing, the previous moment forgotten for the time being; though we were interrupted as a few people stopped to make small talk before moving on. It was clear we wanted to be alone, but some were too eager to talk rather than to leave us alone. Before long even Melissa appeared and asked to sit with us. I was okay with that. She had been a good friend before I defected and being around her made things feel normal. At least as normal as was possible, and listening to her and Maggie was calming.

Before too long Hazel came striding in. I smiled at her, but she didn't seem too eager to reciprocate it. To make it worse, instead of coming and sitting with us, I watched as she walked to where Caleb was sitting with members of Abnegation. He offered her a warm smile, as she sat next to him, watching as she returned it with one of her own. An image of her in blue flashed in my mind. My stomach dropped and it took all of me not to get up and rush over there.

"We need to go." I told Maggie.

"What is it?" Lissa asked.

"Why?" Maggie asked, swallowing her apple juice. Following my line of sight, she stood and gripped my arm. "Sorry, Lissa." She smiled at our friend before leading me from the cafeteria. "If this thing goes south I will not let it be your fault."

Stopping at the far edge of the orchard, I paced, trying to rein myself in. "I just – I can't believe that she'd pick an Erudite over us. Doesn't that tell you something?" I shot at Maggie. "Isn't she supposed to support me? Love me? Be with me?"

"It's not all about you, you know." Maggie smiled kindly.

Laughing louder than was probably necessary, I nodded at her, "You're right. You've never been more right." Sighing, I stopped my pacing, looking toward the city. "I need to think about others right now."

"I'm not saying that." She told me. "I'm just saying that Hazel is the least of your problems. I want you to worry about you, I just don't want you to dwell so much on our eldest sister that you miss something important."

"Like what?"

"Like the signs that they're coming. Like the stability of those you came with. Like keeping yourself alive so you can reunite with Eric."

"Eric." I said more air than sound, tears prickling in my eyes.

She smiled sadly at me. "You miss him."

"More than anything." I smiled back, still fighting the tears.

"Do you think Jeanine is making him do something horrible?"

Anger started to flow again at the mention of Jeanine. "Yes." I replied shortly. "I think she is and we have another Jeanine in the making in our own fucking sister." I added with disdain.

"I thought we weren't going to dwell on that."

"It's kind of hard, Mags." I shot at her.

"I know. Just think of Eric." She told me trying to calm me.

Trying and failing. It only added to my rage. "Just think of Eric?" I frowned at her. "You mean my boyfriend who is out there probably killing people? The man I love who I was forced to leave behind and now I have no idea if he's okay. He could be dead, Maggie! He could be dead and I wouldn't know about it because I left him!"

"Hey." She said swiftly moving toward me. "You're drawing attention."

Looking around, I saw the eyes that were watching us. Nodding, I swiftly moved away from her, needing to be busy. But she was right on my heels. Going to where the laundry was washed, I turned and scrubbed the shit out of them, needing any sort of release. If I were still in Dauntless then I could at least beat the shit out of a punching bag, or throw knives, or shoot a gun. Here? All I had was laundry, dishes, apple picking, and art. Art would help but everything else had to be done first. Not to mention the crops that needed to be picked and planted, and the livestock that needed to be tended. There was plenty to do.

"Really?" Maggie asked as I started to brush down the cows.

Yes, really. Cows were smarter than you give them credit for, and they were more docile then the horses. Not to mention that not many liked tending to the cows, so I was sure to manage more time alone here than anywhere else. I didn't feel like screwing on a smile and faking peacefulness when all I felt was angry and hostile. I needed to hit something.

"I like cows." I replied, forcing a calm tone.

"They're smelly and I'd rather go pick peas."

"Then do it." I shot at her more harshly than I had intended.

She sighed and sat on a barrel of hay. "I know you're struggling but you need to calm down."

As if on cue, the cow let out a bellow and shifted away from me. "Sorry." I told the cow, patting her shoulder before sitting next to my sister. "Sorry to you too. I just want to hit something."

"Is that what you do at home?" She smiled.

God I loved her. She knew my home was Dauntless and no longer here. She knew me better than anyone and I hadn't laid eyes on her in five years. "Yeah." I nodded. Showing her my hands, I ran my thumb along the scars on my knuckles. "It's a good stress reliever. I run every now and again, but I hate running. It's good for stamina and stress as well, and is the only reason I do it. But hitting things makes me feel better."

"Then let's find a quiet place and find you something to hit."

"I can think of someone." I replied with a raised brow. She just raised one back, opening her mouth to retort only to have my name yelled.

"Pen!" I heard again. "Pen!" It was Caleb.

Sighing, I waited till he was in sight. "What is it?'

"Tris." He panted. "She attacked Peter."