Chapter Twelve: A Small Reprieve

Grinning from ear to ear, I couldn't stop as we made our way down to the dining area. For as bad as last night was for me, Eric was fine, and he made me momentarily forget all of it by touching all the right places. I had missed home, but now that we were back, I realized I had missed it far more than I thought I had. Showering with him felt like old times. Like before the war started. It was fun and light and everything we both needed. Bed sex was great but there was something about him slick with water that added something extra.

God I loved him.

Leaving the room had been hard, for me anyway, and the longer we were out of our little bubble, the more I wished we had just stayed in our room. It really was just like old times. There were eyes on us nearly the entire time, the same antagonism and anger flowing toward our former leader. Eyeing me with disdain as I gripped tightly to his hand, pressing as close to him as I could get. The only difference was that we didn't care anymore. They all knew and they could think what they wanted. It wasn't going to change anything. We were together and that was the way it was going to stay.

Hearing steps, Eric glanced over his shoulder before he tightened his grip on my hand. Meeting his eyes, he rose a brow, making me sigh and take a glance as well. At the moment it appeared that we were being flanked by two of our burlier members. Hugging Eric's arm to me, I was pretty sure we were in agreement to just grab food and go back to our room. It didn't feel safe yet to be out and about. Though I couldn't deny that if they wanted to do something they would have done it by now. We were being watched. I could handle that. I just didn't want to fight with my faction anymore. This was home. I wanted it to stay home. It was going smoothly until we were stopped by Zeke.

"Get out of the way." I told him coldly.

"Look." He said as he averted his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Frowning, I felt a surge of anger and it took all of me not to his him. "You're sorry?" I shot back at him.

"Pen, listen, I know I shouldn't have been a part of what happened. But you weren't there in Erudite."

"You're right, I wasn't." I shot back. "And I don't care."

"It's okay." Eric told him, nodding. "I get it. I'm not holding anything against you."

"You should." I shot at him.

Eric put his arm around my waist, bringing his lips to my ear. "It's okay, Pen."

Shaking my head, I shifted back and forth. "It's not."

"I'm sorry." Zeke repeated. "And I'm gonna try. That's all I wanted to say."

Then there was a hand on his shoulder, making him jump. "Zeke."

"Four." He smiled over his shoulder.

"Problem?"

Zeke's smile grew and he relaxed, taking a step away from us, "Nah."

"Pen?" Four said looking at me.

Frowning, I tried to decide whether to let it go or not. Eric replied for me, "It's fine."

Four looked at Zeke, smiling and nodding. They shook hands and Zeke walked away, giving me a quick nod. Looking up at Eric, he had a stoic expression but seemed completely un-phased. Typical.

"Hey." I finally smiled at Four.

"Hey." He replied though his eyes were on Eric.

For a moment I thought we were going to fight again. But then Eric offered him his hand. "Thank you."

Four looked at me, getting a brow raise and a nod, sighing before he took his hand. "Yeah. I did it for Pen."

"That's why I'm thanking you." He replied. "I still don't care if you like me or not, as long as you're looking out for her."

"Always." Four told him, unintentionally cracking a small smile. It was gone as fast as it had appeared. He was stubborn, but I was hoping this was the first crack in his hatred he held for him.

Folding my arms against my chest, I pressed myself against Eric's; his arms moved around me, making me feel content. "Do we have any food?" I asked Four.

"Yeah." He replied. "Tori's already put some aside for you."

Stepping away from Eric, I looked up at him sadly. "You aren't going to hold a grudge against me, are you?"

"No." He frowned as if the mere thought of it was ridiculous. "Of course not. You were scared and no one can blame you for the way you reacted. If our roles were reversed I would have acted first and talked later. At least you did the opposite."

Nodding, I sighed, "Thank you."

"Stop thanking me. We're family. It's what we do." He replied with a raised brow.

"Okay." I smiled. Taking Eric's hand, I put my other on Four's shoulder before walking past him.

Still smiling, I was holding onto the hope that the worst was behind us as we walked through the rows of our faction members. Passing a large group, harsh words were called at us, a bowl colliding with Eric's head. I jumped, calling out to whoever had done it. Eric's entire body tensed and his expression was telling me that he wanted to act, but he simply gripped my hand tighter, pressing against me as we kept walking. Looking at his head, there was no blood. A small favor.

Smiling up at him, I was ready to let it go. We would have to face some adversity while he earned the trust and respect from our people. But as we passed another group of them, it wasn't just bowls or cups but food as well. We were going to have to ration and they were wasting it just to get a rise out of him. Only it wasn't him they got a rise out of. I lunged at them, punching one hard before my waist was grabbed and I was being pulled away from them. My foot made contact with one of their heads, another's shoulder, before they were out of reach.

"Stop." Eric told me, cementing me to his side.

"They deserved it." I shot back at him. "I get that some people aren't happy about the decisions made about you but I will not stand for it. I will protect you whether you like it or not."

"Yeah, yeah, death is the only thing that will stop you from protecting me." He smirked.

He was making light of it, which made my temper flare. The only thing that stopped me from getting into it with him was because he repeated words I had told him before the attack on Abnegation. He listened and remembered more than I had given him credit for.

"Don't make light of it." I frowned at him but had calmed down.

"I'm not trying to." He replied. "But I am a former leader of Dauntless. I can take care of myself."

"I know you can." I shot at him, pulling away from him as I stopped. "That's not the point."

He sighed and did the same, turning toward me, running his hand down his face. "What are you getting mad about?"

Quickly taking his hand, I laced our fingers, my jaw clenched as I took a slow breath in an attempt to calm myself. "Eric, things are different now. Our world is different now. You're no longer a leader. I'm no longer a healer and tattoo artist. Everything has changed and I will no longer stand in the shadows. I will not let them beat me down and I will not let them hurt anyone that I love." Pausing, I took his other hand, running my thumbs along the top of them. "And I love you most, Eric. And after everything we've been through, can you really blame me for being overly protective of you?"

"No." He smiled. "But you have to remember something."

"And what's that?" I asked him.

"You're the only person that I love. You're it. You're my person." He replied. "You have other people that you love, who love you back. But me? I have one person. You. I understand what you're saying, but you are the most important thing in my life. So, I'll have this argument with you, but I'm gonna win." He finished with a smirk.

Narrowing my eyes at him, he had left no room for an argument. I couldn't come up with one single point that would make the argument worth it. "I hate you." I finally told him.

He laughed lightly, pressing his forehead against mine, "I hate you too."

"Come on, let's get you some food." I sighed, once again making our way across the room.

Seeing Tori at a table with Harrison, Bud, and Mizer, I swiftly made my way over to her. Putting my hand on her shoulder, I smiled as she looked up at me, both Eric and I taking a seat next to her. The others all looked at Eric before they stood and walked away, Mizer grumbling something under his breath.

Swiftly standing again, I called after them, "If you have something to say than say it to our face!"

"Pen." Tori said pulling me down. "That's not going to help anything. And talking like you're both the same person is just going to make people think you're crazy. Well, crazier than they already think you are."

"Thanks." I frowned at her.

"She's right." Eric said wrapping his arm around me. "Just take a breath."

"We've been out of our room for minutes and we've already had to defend ourselves multiple times." I replied sadly, playing with a crack in the table.

"You do realize that you're the only one doing the defending, right?" Eric smirked. "Just let it go. It'll get better. We just need to tough it out. That, and I need to prove myself. Which I can't do with you yelling at everyone in my defense. All you're doing is making me look weak and in need of a woman's protection." He told me with seriousness. "And we both know that I'm not weak and I don't need you to protect me. No matter how badly you want to."

Opening my mouth to retort, I once again didn't have an argument. That was twice in a row that his logic had beaten mine. I shouldn't be surprised, but at the same time, I swore I used to be better at these arguments. Frowning at him, I ran my fingers through my still damp hair, looking at Tori as she laughed at me.

Sliding two plates of food over to us, Eric and I enjoying it in silence. It seemed all I was doing was getting myself into trouble as it was. I didn't want to make him look weak. He was anything but weak and if that was what I was doing then I had to back the hell off and let him do what he thought was best. Ignoring them was smart but we both had tempers. Though it seemed I was channeling his through my own, which was dangerous.

"Where are you going?" I asked him quickly as he stood up, finished already.

He leaned down and kissed me deeply. "I'll see you later." He told me kissing me again.

"Eric." I said gripping his wrist.

"Baby, I'll be fine."

I shook my head, "I don't want to separate from you. Not yet."

He smiled, pressing a kiss against my forehead. "Pen, I'll be okay."

"What about me? Maybe I won't be okay." I shot back at him.

He smirked, putting his hand against my face, "Stop being ridiculous."

"What are you gonna do?" I asked him. "And why can't you wait for me?" My heart started to race, anxiety filling me. "Eric." I said breathlessly on the verge of panic.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." He said sitting back down, pulling me into him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, my hand moving to the back of his head, I gripped him as tightly as I could. "Pen, you don't have to worry about me. I'm not going to let anything like before happen again. I'll keep myself safe. For you."

Letting him go, I nodded, taking a steadying breath. "Okay."

"Do I have to worry about you?" He asked gently.

Smirking, I nodded at him, "Probably."

He smirked back at me, "Be good."

"Sure." I told him with furrowed brows.

"Everything is fine, Pen." He told me kindly but sternly. "Don't worry so much. So far everything has worked out."

"You know why I worry though, right?"

He nodded, "The same reasons I do. But we can't let it take over our lives. We have a life, Pen. We have a future. Don't let the past change how amazing that future could be. Worrying doesn't help anything and it won't change anything. It's just a distraction that neither of us need."

"I know." I told him, feeling emotion clench my chest. "I just…"

"I know." He nodded. "I love you, woman." He said kissing me again. "I won't be long."

"Okay." I told him with another nod. "I love you too."

He smiled, kissing me once more before he was on his feet and walking away from me. My body jerked to follow him but I managed to stop myself, staring at him until he was out of sight. Turning back to my unfinished plate, I pushed it away from me, suddenly very un-hungry. Glancing at Tori, she was looking at me with a worried expression.

"I'm fine." I told her quickly.

"No, you're not." She replied.

Scoffing, I met her eyes, "And why aren't I?"

"Because you're practically having a panic attack because he's out of sight." She said sadly.

"Can you blame me?" I frowned.

"No." She said softly. "I'm just worrying about you like you worry about him."

Nodding, I sighed. "I'll be okay. Last night is just too fresh in my mind."

"I know." She said gently playing with my hair. "But he's okay. He's tough."

"I know he is." I replied.

But for the briefest of moments he wasn't breathing and that moment was the hardest to shake. I could only imagine what he had gone through after Amity and I never wanted to find out. Just a glimpse was too much for me. I couldn't stop it from replaying over and over in my mind. I was exhausted. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a full night's sleep and after not having any last night I was starting to feel the effects.

"Wanna talk about it?" She asked gently.

"What's there to talk about?" I countered.

"Pen." She frowned.

Sighing, I played with the food with my fork. "He nearly drowned but he's okay. I need to move past it."

"What about you?"

"What about me?" I frowned.

"They almost killed you too."

Scoffing, I shook my head, "Death isn't as scary as it used to be."

"You'd leave him behind?"

Looking at her, there was sadness and worry in her eyes. "No, Tori. I wouldn't leave him behind. But I would willingly give my life to make sure his life was saved. Watching them drown him was agonizing. I definitely want to go first."

"So does he."

"I know."

"You both need to be more careful."

"I know."

There was a long pause before she said anything else, her voice gentle, "Are you okay?"

Meeting her eyes for a long moment, I finally nodded, "Yeah, Tori. I'm okay. As long as he's okay, I'll be okay. But last night sucked. I'm starting to agree with all of you when you said my feelings for him cloud my judgement. Losing him would be the worst thing that ever happens to me."

"You've been through a lot. You're allowed to be on edge and worried. I just don't want you to lose yourself because of it."

Nodding, I took a deep breath, "Right. Today's another day. I guess I'm just going to have to tackle it as it happens."

"You're not going to freak out every time he leaves your side?"

Smirking, I shrugged my shoulders a little, "Maybe for a little while. But we'll get back into a routine. He likes those."

"He's a good man." She smiled.

Feeling emotional again, I nodded at her, "He really is."

Feeling better, she forced me to finish the food before she would let me leave. Slowly making my way from the dining hall, I was still worried about Eric, but no one antagonized me on the way out. It made me feel that at least some of our people were coming to terms with what had been decided.

Going to the parlor, I looked around at the empty space. It was too quiet. No music was playing and a layer of dust had already started to settle on countertops and chairs. Moving through all the memories I had in this place, I couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic happiness. Sitting down in one of the chairs, part of me felt like I should be helping with whatever was happening throughout our home, but I couldn't seem to move.

"Pen?" Simmy's small voice said softly.

"Hey." I smiled at her.

"How are you doing?" She asked tentatively.

I shrugged in response, before asking, "What can I do for you?"

"Ready to come back to work?" She smiled.

Frowning, I nodded, following her to the med area. For some reason I didn't think there would be much work that needed to be done. Turned out I was wrong. There was nearly a dozen people filling the beds in various conditions.

"Huh." I said looking at them.

"Ready for another exhausting day?" Simmy smiled up at me.

Meeting her eyes, I couldn't help but smile, "Let's get to work."

Quickly assessing injuries, it turned out that I was going to be treating injuring that I had inflicted. The worst we had was a broken elbow from one of those who had attacked Eric last night. The girl was here as well with a concussion and head laceration. It took all of me not to damage them further. They didn't deserve to be helped. It took Simmy shoving me to make me finally move. None of them said a word to me. In fact, most of them shied away from me, leery as I started to treat them. I couldn't help but take satisfaction in their fear. Going as far as avoiding pain relief as I set bones, sanitized wounds, and sowed lacerations. I was a force to be reckoned with and I didn't want them to forget it.

Along with all the lacerations and abrasions, giving me plenty of practice with my stitching, I kept perfectly busy. Placing pressure bandages, a few splints, as well as hot and cold compress, I was happy and yet mildly disappointed that everyone was going to survive. The stitching was tedious and by the time everyone had been tended to, night had fallen and our faction had grown quiet.

"I'm sure you missed this." Simmy smiled as we sat at the nurses' station.

"Actually, yeah, I have." I smiled back at her. "It served well as a distraction for the day."

"Where's Eric?" She asked.

Sighing, I shrugged, "He's doing his own thing." She raised a brow questioningly. "He didn't tell me what he was doing." I elaborated. "But he'll be fine."

"I wasn't doubting him." She smiled.

"I was." I told her sadly. "We may be back home but he isn't any safer here than he was in Candor or even Erudite."

"Can I ask you something?" She said quietly.

I frowned at her, "Of course."

"Since when did you let yourself get so weak?" Simmy asked gently.

"Excuse me?" I frowned harder.

"Come on, Pen. You used to be someone people were afraid of pissing off. We've seen that side since you got Eric back, but before then? I mean, you used to be known not only for your temper, but for your kindness as well. I get that Abnegation sucked. I get that Amity and what happened after sucked. But you can't let Eric ruin your reputation and the way you not only view this fight but yourself. You are independent and smart and caring and tough as nails. But the way you're acting is not the Pen we all know. Right now she's letting a man dictate her life. She doesn't have a mind of her own. She's less and that's why people are having trouble with Eric. Let him be the better man, but don't let him change you." She told me with a gentle tone.

I wanted to be angry with her. I wanted to lay into her, seeing red for a moment before I let her words sink in. She was right. Eric had been right. Four had been right. Tori had been right. Everyone had been right. The only thing I knew that I'd done right was to save Eric. Everything else seemed to scream weakness. Something that I wouldn't have thought would be associated with me. Not in the way that it was being thrown back at me.

"I know you worry about him." Simmy went on. "But you're tougher than this. Take a day or two. I just hope you can come back from everything that's happened."

That was it. What the hell was she even talking about? "Who do you think you are?" I shot at her, my temper finally spilling over. "Come back from everything that's happened?" I said with disdain. "You have no idea what I've been through. You watch your friends and family murder innocent people without knowing what they're doing. Get shot multiple times. Go see your family again only to have your sister killed by the love of your life. Nearly be raped by someone you love like a brother. Have the man you love nearly be killed twice within a day. Have all that happen and you think that I don't deserve to feel the slightest bit weak." My cheeks felt like they were on fire. "I survived, Simmy. I've been shot and I've survived. I survived when I shouldn't have. I've been through more than nearly everyone in this faction. Few can even come close to what I've had to go through. So you think that I'm less of a person because I'm having trouble letting go of the bad that has happened? Well, fuck you! I'm allowed a moment of weakness. Hell, I'm allowed a month of weakness! Accuse me of being a lesser version of me and I'll show you exactly how me I can be." My face was less than an inch from hers, my eyes boring into hers.

For a moment she just stared at me, than she smiled, "There she is."

Punching her across her cheek, she spun, falling to her hands and knees, looking up at me, fear written across her face. "Never antagonize me like that again." I told her.

"Okay." She replied with a small voice.

"And thank you." I added, my tone still filled with anger. She nodded at me. Sighing, I offered her my hand. She took it and I helped her to her feet. Seeing everyone's eyes on me, I glared at them. "The show is over." I shot at them, all of them quickly looking away.

"Sorry." Simmy told me softly.

"Don't be." I told her, calmer than I was a moment before. "I might seem weak at times, but I am still me, Simmy. A lot has happened in a short period of time. No one can expect me to come to terms with everything in the blink of an eye. I've lost my sister, my best friend, and I've nearly lost the love of my life. If I don't feel that than what kind of person am I?"

"You have a point." She nodded.

"Thank you." I stated. "I can tell you don't fully agree with me but you don't have to. I'm not asking you to. But you need to respect me and the feelings that I have. I may be different than I was, but I'm still everything you said I am."

"I know." She nodded again.

"Then why piss me off?" I asked her.

She sighed and shrugged, "It was the easiest way to remind you of who you are."

"I don't need reminding." I frowned at her. "You've been listening too much to everyone else. If you have questions or anything on me and the decisions I've made, then talk to me. Don't go around listening to everyone else. What they think they know may not come close to what really is."

"Okay." She nodded a third time.

"So ask." I told her.

"Why would you sacrifice your life for his?" She asked.

"Do you think that makes me weak?" I retorted with a frown. She just looked at me. "I'm pretty sure a sacrifice like that is the opposite of weak. It takes a strong person to die for someone else." I told her. "Eric is worth saving. I'm loved, Simmy. I know that. Eric has changed and barely begun to prove himself. He deserves to be saved. If it takes my death to prove that to everyone else than I am willing to give it." She averted her eyes from mine, playing with her fingers. "It's not going to happen anytime soon, Sim." I added with a smile. "But if it comes down to it, you know I love you. You know me and you know that I don't do anything lightly. Not really."

"I know." She said with a sniffle.

"So don't worry about me. I'm good." I told her. "And I do appreciate what you did. It's just not the way I would have liked it to happen."

She nodded, smiling at me, "I know."

Wrapping my arms around her, I hugged her tightly, my cheek resting against the top of her head. "You got this place under control?" I asked as I let her go.

"Of course." She nodded.

"Then I'm going to take off." I told her. "Come and find me if anything should happen." She nodded, smiling again. "Never change, Simmy."

Leaving, I still felt pissed off. I didn't think Simmy of all people would have antagonized me more than anyone else. Maybe it was because she was so close to me. Tori had tried to tell me what she had but she didn't say enough. Hearing it from her made me so angry that I wanted to cause her pain. I had thought I was becoming weak. I thought my feelings for Eric were making me become weak, losing myself by being with him. But I wasn't weak. I may have shed more tears in the past few days than I ever had before, but that doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. People had died or nearly died. Death is permanent and despite the way Dauntless treats death, I was Divergent and I treated it much differently than the faction I had chosen. This wasn't new. I hated that people were looking at me as if I were weak. Making me feel like a bad person because it was all for Eric. He was worth everything to me. No matter what anyone said or thought. They would see his worth. Karma was a bitch and I was looking forward to her taking her wrath out on those who had wronged me. Wronged us.

Returning to my apartment, I opened the door slowly, closing it and locking it behind me. Leaning against it, I took a deep steadying breath. Both bedside lamps were on, light spreading across the floor from the bathroom. Moving toward it, I rounded the corner to see Eric standing in front of the mirror. He was gripping the sink, his head bowed. I could see the tenseness of his muscles along his shoulders. Stepping up to him, I wrapped my arms around him, pressing myself against his back, resting my head comfortably between his shoulder blades. He let out a soft chuckle, putting his arm across mine.

He straightened, taking my arms from around him so he could turn and face me. Looking up at him with a smile, it quickly faded as I took him in. "What did you do to your hair?" I frowned at him.

"I had Claude cut it." He stated, rubbing his hand back and forth across the top of his head.

It was now shorn short, leaving barely enough to run my fingers through. I'd always wondered what he would look like with it cut, but I never thought he'd actually do it. I sensed a slight unease from him as he cleared his throat, averting his eyes from mine.

"I don't' have to ask permission to cut my hair, do I?" He asked with a raised brow.

"No." I finally told him. "God, no. I'm just surprised is all." I told him, running my hand along his hair. It still felt nice under my palm. Smirking at him, I tilted my head to the side, "I just enjoyed have something to run my fingers through. As well as something to hold on to."

A smile broke across his face and he pulled me against him. "It'll grow back."

Nodding, I gripped his arms, leaning up and kissing him. "I do like it. It suits you."

"New life, new hair." He sighed.

Nodding, I sighed as well, "Do you think I've grown weak?" I asked him. Needing to talk to him about it.

"What?" He frowned.

"Simmy said some things to me today and as much as I don't want to believe them to be true, I keep thinking about it."

"You're not weak, Pen." He frowned at me with seriousness. "You're the strongest woman I know. Even when you're sobbing in my arms, you're still the strongest woman I know."

"She basically told me that my feelings for you were making me weak and making me less of the person than I used to be." I went on.

He swiftly moved from the room, heading towards the door. "I'll kill her."

Grinning, I stopped him, wrapping my arms around his neck as I met his eyes. "Thank you, but that won't be necessary."

"You're not weak." He repeated.

"Okay." I nodded, brushing my nose with his.

"I would never love a weak woman." He stated with a raised brow.

Shaking my head at him, I kissed him. "I just love you so damn much. If I am weak it's your fault."

"I'll take responsibility for it. Since you're the reason I'm weak too. And for the record, you and your family are all weak when it comes to each other. You're all strongest when you're together, and if anything happens you look out for each other and then let it all out in moments of weakness. That's being human. That's family. That's love."

"Yes, baby." I smiled kissing him yet again. "For the record, I'm strongest when I'm with you."

"Likewise." He smiled. "But you're also the only person who gives a damn about me."

"Claude gives a damn." I stated.

He nodded, smiling wider, "She's the one that matters anyway. And I seem to be growing on that little pet of hers as well."

Laughing, I let him go, "She's pretty tough now too. After she left Dauntless."

"I wish she had been that feisty during initiation." He stated as he started to take off his clothes.

Watching him, I felt a blush rise in my cheeks. Fuck everyone else. This man made me happier than I'd ever been or ever hoped to be. I loved him with everything I had in me. The best part was knowing that he felt the same way. We'd fight. We'd go to bed angry. We wouldn't see eye to eye on everything. But if there was one thing we would always agree on, it would be that we were in this together.

"I need a shower." I told him. "Wanna join me?"

He smiled, stripping further. "Is that a real question?" He retorted.

Starting to take my own clothes off, I threw them to the side of the room, smiling at him mischievously. As soon as all clothes were shed, we stood in front of each other, our eyes flowing up and down each other's body. Stepping up to him, I ran my hand along his chest as I moved round him, pressing my lips against his tattoo. Coming round his other side, I put my hands against his biceps, loving the feel of him. Then I was against his chest, his arms wrapping around me, pushing me backward as we returned to the bathroom. It was late and I was exhausted. However, the things we were about to do to each other was going to be so worth it.