Chapter Fifteen: Controlled Panic

Waking slowly, I smiled as the sun hit my face. Momentarily taking in the view from my home, I stretched before freezing. The room was too bright. Reaching out for Eric, I found the bed empty. Trying not to immediately panic, I sat up, calling out for him. Silence. Looking at the bench at the end of the bed, his clothes were gone. My heart started to race and I practically fell out of the bed. Running to the bathroom, hoping that for some reason he was just being really quiet, I found it empty. Spinning, I darted out again, calling out for him even though I knew he wasn't here. For a second my mind spun, only then my eyes moved to the balcony doors. Rushing toward them, I threw myself threw them. My bare feet slid as I spun round, launching myself up to the balcony above me.

Gripping the base of the rails, I pulled myself up and over onto Four's. Bursting through his doors, wood splintering, I looked to see his bed. It was made and there was no trace of him. Rushing through the apartment just to be sure, I stopped in the middle of his apartment. Breathing hard, I ran my fingers through my hair, gripping it as I turned in a circle. Panic started to flow and for a moment I let tears fill my eyes and my chest clenched as I tried to deal with it. Squatting down, I curled into myself, rocking back and forth before straightening. For a moment I held my breath, letting it out slowly. Looking at the door, my pulse was pounding in my ears. Then I was in motion. Rushing to the door, I threw it open, running from the room, and raced toward Tori's office. Slamming into her door, I struggled with the knob, my hand shaking, before I finally managed, letting myself in.

"Pen." She said standing. Harrison was there, as well as Claude.

For a moment I just frowned at them. They had clearly been expecting me. They looked guilty of something. "What are you doing here?" I asked Claude.

"Waiting for you." She replied.

"Why? What's going on?" I asked her. "Why do you all look so fucking guilty?" I practically yelled at them.

Tori came round the desk, her hands held up. "Pen, don't freak out."

Now the panic ebbed away and I was just pissed. She didn't make it to me before I punched her, sending her to her knees. Harrison stepped forward but Claude stopped him, a knife pointed at his groin.

"What the hell did you do?" I asked Tori as she looked up at me from the floor. "Did you help them plan this? How long have they been gone?"

"They came to me early this morning. I actually attempted to talk them out of it." She replied getting to her feet, wiping the blood from her lip. "I knew you'd be pissed. They knew you'd be pissed. But they both insisted. Eric dragged Claude in here so she would know what was going on. For some reason he thought she could control you."

Laughing, I crossed my arms, nodded and I looked at the floor, "Control me."

"I am the only one who can." Claude smirked at me.

Ignoring her, I glowered at Tori, speaking slowly, "How long?"

"A few hours." Tori replied.

Nodding, I started to pace. "Long enough from them to get there."

"The plan is in motion. You don't have a choice but to wait here." Harrison told me.

Glaring at him, I stepped forward, "You can't stop me from going."

"Pen." Tori said.

"You don't get a say anymore." I said pointing at her.

"Yes I do." She told me with certainty. "I am one of your leaders. You need to listen and to fall in line."

"Eric is gone!" I yelled at her, getting in her face. "You knew about it and you didn't tell me the second he was out of sight." Something flickered in her eyes and I knew she wasn't telling me everything. "What game are you playing?"

"I'm not playing any games, Pen!" She shot at me. "I told you that you should stay here. Eric agreed. He came here with a better plan and I approved of it."

"You said you tried to talk him out of it." I glowered at her, waiting for her to tell me everything.

"I did." She nodded. "But at the end there was no excuse for me not to approve. It's solid. They'll be okay. All they need is time to get it done."

"You shouldn't have let him go, Tori." I frowned at her, tears filling my eyes again. "You knew that I didn't want him to go without me."

"It's not all about you." She told me. Eric had told me that. How fucking selfish could I be? I knew I was being ridiculous and overprotective and everything else, but I couldn't help myself. "It is better this way." She added.

I wanted to ask her exactly what he said. Word for word so I knew what he was thinking or feeling right before he left. I needed to get a sense of what was going through his head. Then maybe I could start to believe that he would be okay and that me being left behind really was for the best. Only before I could say anything, Harrison broke the momentary silence.

"This whole thing is out of your control."

"You have no right to talk to me!" I yelled at him. "I don't know you. You don't know me. And you sure as hell don't know anything about Eric. Let alone Four."

"What did you say to me?" He shot angrily, charging toward me.

"Enough!" Tori yelled, making Harrison stop and look to her.

For a moment I looked between them, before scoffing and turning toward the door, all reason leaving me. "Whatever. I'm going after him." Before I could make it to the door I was hit from behind, everything falling away.

When I woke up, the sun was low in the sky. I was on my stomach, splayed out like someone had just tossed me onto it. Fucking Harrison. Wanting to dart out of bed, I found my arms would hardly support me, and my head was pounding so bad tears sprang to my eyes. Reaching my hand behind my head, I felt stickiness. Blood. Keeping my eyes shut, I slowly lifted myself to my hands and knees. My world was spinning in the blackness, intensifying when I opened my eyes. Nausea filled me; my hands unsteady on the mattress, making me lower myself to the bed. Writhing as I tightly shut my eyes, I pressed my forehead into the bed as my jaw clenched, waiting for the world to right itself.

"Pen." Claude said with worry, her hand moving to my back.

"Don't." I shot at her, shoving her arm away from me, still feeling like I was going to vomit. Rolling out of bed, I pushed myself onto my feet only to fall to my knees. The pounding worse and I was shaking so bad I felt like I couldn't even make a fist.

She was there a second later, her hands on my arms. "Just stop, Pen. You're hurt."

"The next time I see Harrison, I'm going to kill him." I mumbled, shutting my eyes.

"Pen, please let me help you."

"Claude." I said coldly, furrowing my brows. I started to rock in unison with the spinning of my head. "Just shut up for five goddamn seconds."

"Pen." She said with venom. "I didn't do this. And I know this sucks but you don't know everything that's going on."

Opening my eyes, I looked up at her. There was three of her, all moving in and out of each other. Shutting my eyes again, I frowned, putting my head in my hand. "What are you talking about?"

"Let's get you back into bed." She told me gently yet firmly.

"No!" I yelled, shoving her away from me. In the next second all the bile from my stomach was on the floor.

"Pen." She said sadly.

Tears were effortlessly falling down my cheeks. God I felt like crap. "Eric is gone, Claude. He's been gone for hours now. I need to find him." I told her from my hands and knees, my hands moving in and out of each other just as Claude was.

"What you need is to get back into bed." She stated, cleaning up the bile before inching toward me.

"Get away from me." I shot at her.

"Don't take your anger out on me." She shot back. "I'm only trying to help you."

Looking up at her again, she was more or less in focus. "I'm sorry."

"You're scared, I get that, but you need to calm down and you need to take care of yourself. Eric will be fine."

I shook my head and laughed. "You don't know that. You couldn't possibly know that. He marched into Erudite to save a girl he doesn't even like. He left me behind. I'm way past scared." I frowned at her. "I just got him back and now I may lose him all over again. Only this time it will be permanent."

"You don't know that. You couldn't possibly know that." She said throwing my words back at me.

Glaring, I scoffed and shook my head. She just sighed, watching me sadly. I didn't stop her the next time she moved to help me up. Keeping my eyes shut to make the world spin less, I let her help me back into bed.

"Okay, just listen to me before you say anything." I nodded, keeping my eyes shut. "Roll onto your side."

I did as I was told. She remained quiet, hearing as she went to the bathroom, water being run before her steps sounded again in the room. Even the soft sound of them made the pounding in my head intensify. Feeling a warm wet washcloth on the back of my head, she gently started to clean the blood. The warmth and pain felt amazing.

"Four did meet with Evelyn." She started softly. "One of our insiders came with information. Tris is set to be executed in two weeks. Four needed to have a better plan in place before he left to get her. He and Eric were up most of the night figuring out the best plan of action."

"Eric was with me last night." I frowned, not understanding.

"And as soon as you were asleep he left you and went with Four to see Evelyn."

Opening my eyes, the spinning was less but the nausea was still present. "What does that mean?"

"It means that we will storm Erudite to get Tris and Four out of there. We're going with the Factionless and the loyal Dauntless and everything will be okay."

"What about Eric?" I asked, my stomach turning and my throat clenching. She didn't say anything. Rolling over, I met her eyes, focusing so hard to hold her eyes that the pounding in my head intensified to the point where I could hardly hear her when she replied.

"It depends on how it goes down." She replied. "Eric may be more useful remaining in Erudite if something goes wrong."

"Claude." I said more air than sound.

"I know, sweetie." She nodded. "I know."

"Did he?"

She nodded again. "Yeah, he knew. That's why he was adamant that you stay here. He made me promise to keep you close and to keep you safe." Tears ran from my eyes and I turned my face into the comforter. She sighed and I heard her set the bowl aside, moving around to the other side of the bed. "Pen, he's doing this for all of us. You should be proud of him."

"Proud?!" I yelled, shoving her yet again. Rolling over, I once again tried to get out of bed. Making it only a few steps before I was on my knees again. Only now I was in front of the wall, Eric's face in focus while the edges of my vision were still spinning. "I should be proud of him for leaving me? Proud that if something goes wrong I will never see him again?" Turning my head, I frowned at her. "I'm supposed to be proud of that?"

She moved to me, kneeling next to me, "Yeah, you should be proud. This is a big step for him. Four will appreciate his help. Eric needs this, Pen. He needs to show that he can be trusted and that he'll do what he has to do to help out his leader."

I shook my head, "No."

"Pen, you are too involved." She told me gently. "You love him so much that you can't see straight. Pen, you need to let him do this. You need to let Four do this."

Shaking my head, I started to rock back and forth. "Why didn't he just tell me? Why didn't I know about this? Why am I not being kept in the loop?"

"Because you're not a leader of Dauntless." She replied getting a glare from me.

"Four will tell Tris." I stated with disdain.

"He doesn't fully trust Eric. But he's trying to." Nodding, I fought tears again. "Pen, you just need to wait it out. Please."

Looking at her, I put my fingertips against my forehead, trying not to breakdown. She sighed again, running her hand down my hair. The more she sighed, the worse I felt. Letting her help me to my feet, once again leading me to the bed, I crawled back into it. Pulling Eric's pillow to me, I hugged it against my chest, buying my face into it. Claude laid with me, running her hand up and down my back. I felt so much like crap it was ridiculous. This wasn't what we had agreed to. I was supposed to be with him. Starting to cry, I wanted the throbbing in my head to stop and the weight on my chest to be lifted. But the only way I'd feel any relief would be if Eric was once again in my arms.

At some point I fell asleep again, waking to see the sun just a line on the horizon. Claude was still there, sleeping soundly next to me. Slowly rolling out of bed, I sat on the edge of it, waiting to see how my head was. There was still a dull throb but everything stayed in focus. Getting to my feet, for a moment I felt like my legs wouldn't support me. Thankfully it passed and I slowly made my way to the bathroom. Reaching for the sink, I gripped the edges of it, bowing my head as a small wave of nausea hit me. Taking several deep breaths, I swallowed, waiting for it to pass. When it finally did, I slowly got undressed, stepping into the shower. For several long moments, I just stood under the stream of water, taking slow deep breaths. Finally straightening, I took one more deep breath before starting to wash, taking special care with the back of my head. When I was done, I crept back into the main room, glancing at the still sleeping Claude. Getting dressed, black from head to toe, I sat on the bench, pulling on my boots. I felt sluggish but I wasn't going to let it stop me. I needed to go after Eric whether they wanted me to or not. They'd have to lock me up to keep me in Dauntless.

Making my way to the door, I reached for the knob only to have a hand slam against it, Claude frowning down at me. "Let me go." I told her. "Please."

She just stared at me, the wheels in her head turning. Then she finally replied, "Wait for me."

"Thank you." I told her as she started to change.

Gearing up with guns and knives, we made our way through the Pit and up to the glass ceiling. We would make good time once we were on the pavement. We didn't have much of a plan but I didn't really care anymore. All I cared about was getting to Eric. I didn't want to think about what was happening to him, or to Four or even Tris. All I knew was that I needed Eric. And if anything happened to him, it wouldn't matter if I came back or not.

We were nearly through the doors when Dauntless soldiers surrounded us, blocking us from the door. Stopping, immediately bringing my gun up, I stepped toward them. "Move."

"Pen, stop." Tori said appearing and moving toward me. "You can't go after them."

"I can and I will." I stated, my aim moving to her.

She frowned at me, "Are you really going to shoot me?"

"You're standing between me and what I want most. So yes, I will shoot you." I replied with an even tone.

"Did Harrison knock something loose when he hit you?" She frowned at me. I glared at her, my eyes moving to Harrison who was lingering behind the soldiers. Smart. "I am commanding that you give them one more day."

"What will one more day bring?" I shot at her. "Tris is to be executed in two weeks. That would give us a week and a half before they are expecting us."

"Yes, but if you insist on going after them then just give them one more day before you implode their plan by barging into Erudite." She replied gently but sternly.

Glaring at her, I couldn't deny that she was right. If we charged in there, they would be exposed and everything would fall apart. As soon as that happened, the likelihood of them being killed on sight would increase dramatically. I'd never forgive myself if I got him killed just for going after him. But I needed him. I needed to be with him. Even if it was the end. It just couldn't be my fault. Lowering my gun, I nodded at her.

"I know this sucks, Pen. I really do. You're worried about him and you should be, but you need to give them time."

"Okay." I replied softly.

"Okay?" She frowned.

"One more day." I told her with a hard tone. "But I will go after him, Tori. I will give myself up to Jeanine if I have to, but I will get him back."

"What about Four and Tris?" Harrison asked, now stepping forward. "Would you leave them there?"

"I don't have to answer to you." I told him. "There may be three leaders of Dauntless, but I answer to one. Tori."

Harrison frowned and stepped toward me. I was looking for a fight, silently asking for him to try and hit me. I would break him. But Tori ruined it by quickly putting her hand on his shoulder, pulling him back. He looked at her, nodding before shooting me a glare as he walked away.

Tori sighed, the sound more depressing than anything else, as she moved to my side. She raised her brow at me as she wrapped her arm around my waist. Crossing my arms, I clenched my jaw, letting her lead me back down the path, through the Pit, and to the Tattoo Parlor. She sat in her usual chair while I paced in front of her. I needed to go. I needed to run and to find Eric. I couldn't just sit around here and wait to hear if he was dead or alive. I couldn't stand not knowing what was happening to him.

"I need him, Tori." I told her, hoping she'd hear the desperation in my voice and just tell me to go. But she didn't. Instead she was practical about it.

"Be smart, Pen. I know you need him. I know that. But charging into Erudite is not smart."

"I can't wait two weeks." I told her as I shook my head. "I can't do it."

"He's smart and capable. They'll figure it out and get back here."

"Will they?" I frowned. She sighed, watching me. "Stop sighing at me like that!" I yelled at her. "Jesus! Everyone needs to stop looking at me like I am the most unstable person in our faction!"

She flew out of the chair, bellowing at me, "Then stop acting like the most unstable person in our faction!"

Deflating slightly, I curled my hands into fists, both of us breathing hard as we squared off. "I'm not."

"Then calm the fuck down and think about this rationally. You're too worried about him. You know he's more than capable of doing this. You're just pissed because he left you behind. He was right, by the way. You may not be the most unstable but you're definitely not the most put together either. You're crumbling and you need to just slow down, back off, and take care of yourself for five goddamn seconds."

She sounded like me. Or maybe I sounded like her.

"I'm trying to."

"Not very hard." She replied quickly.

Sighing, I slouched down into one of the lounge chairs. "Okay. Fine. Maybe I could use a little help."

"Penelope Farrier is actually admitting that she needs help?" Tori retorted with a raised brow.

Frowning, I shook my head at her, "Things haven't gone down the way I'd planned, Tori. I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that everything feels more possible and not as scary when Eric is here. I didn't know I could care so much about a person and the thought of him being ripped away from me is terrifying."

She slowly stepped up to me, lowering herself onto the lounge next to me. "If the situation was reversed, what would you have done differently?"

There was a long moment where I thought about it, though I knew the answer before she even finished her sentence. Smiling, I looked at her, "Nothing."

"Exactly." She told me softly. "You wouldn't think twice to leave him behind to protect him. And he's a man, Pen. He is the one who's supposed to take care of you."

"We take care of each other." I retorted.

"You do." She nodded. "And you've done a good job of it. But you have to realize that there are fights where you can't be with him."

Nodding, I sighed, "I know. I just don't like it."

"Me neither. But I've had to fight without you. Claude and Terra have fought without you. Four and Tris. Henry. They've all fought their own battles and you don't worry about them."

"That's because they can handle it."

"So can Eric."

Meeting her eyes, I knew she was right. "I want to say that's it's different because it's him, but you're not wrong."

"I know." She smirked. "And it is different because it's him. You just need to get over it and let him do what he has to. You'd want the same in return. If you had some secret mission to save your family and needed to do it without him, you would want him to trust you enough to let you do it."

"I would."

"So let him do this. And if you can't, just give him one more day."

"I'll give you one more day." I told her. "My only problem with that is once that day is over, you're going to do something that keeps me here for another day and then another and another. You'll keep manipulating me until the two weeks are up or until they come back."

For a long moment she just looked at me. "I need your help." She finally told me.

"See?" I told her, feeling my chest start to clench again.

Getting to my feet, I crossed my arms, pacing in front of her as I took deep calming breaths. It wasn't working. I wanted to give Eric and Four enough time to do what they had to. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. Breathing felt like too much work as I wrapped my head around everything. Then I finally looked at her.

"Fine." I shot at her. "With what?"

"We're leaving Dauntless and returning to Abnegation."

I narrowed my eyes at her, "Why?"

"Because of Marlene. Because Erudite is watching us. We don't know what they've seen of our people. The Factionless will be joining us there. We need to make a plan with Evelyn to destroy Erudite. We can't do that here."

"When?" I asked.

Anger was starting to build up again, wanting to take it out on her, yelling until I was hoarse. She knew I'd stay and help her. She had her manipulation ammunition before today to keep me in line. Eric had probably helped her come up with what to tell me to keep me distracted. When I got him back he was in so much trouble.

"Today."

"What about Eric and Four?" I asked next with a deep frown on my face. "Did they know about this? Did they help you plan this before they decided to leave without me?"

"They know." She nodded. "They will meet us there if they need to escape before we invade Erudite."

"If they need to escape." I repeated and laughed lightly, scratching my brow.

"Pen, stop. I get you're pissed. You should be pissed. But taking it out on me is not going to do either of us any favors. I'm asking for your help here. Are you going to give it to me or not?"

"Fine." I told her nodding, knowing she was going to do anything to distract me for as long as possible. Even if I said 'no' she wasn't going to let me go anywhere. "What do you need?"

"I need you to make sure everyone is ready to go. Check all the corners of Dauntless. No one can be left behind."

"And then?"

"And then we move for Abnegation. Whoever is packed can leave. We all need to be gone by tomorrow."

"What aren't you telling me?" I asked, once again feeling like she was holding back.

"I'm being honest with you, Pen. I'm telling you everything."

She was lying. Her expression and the tone of her voice was screaming that she wasn't telling me everything.

"You sure?" I asked her.

"Yes."

For a long moment I just looked at her, finally nodding and moving toward the door, "Fine."

Claude was waiting for me outside. "What's the plan?"

"We're sticking around till at least tomorrow." I replied.

"We can slip out when the sun sets. We can hide in the shadows."

"Tori is moving us all to Abnegation to join with the Factionless." I stated.

She frowned. "What does that have to do with us?"

"She's asked that I see no one remain in Dauntless."

She sighed and nodded. "She's placating you."

Laughing, I nodded back, "Yes, she is."

"She's smart."

"And she knows me too well."

"Just let me know when you want to make your move. I've got your back." She replied putting her hand on my shoulder.

"Thank you." I told her. Though I was suddenly guilty for dragging her through this with me. Terra needed her. Eric was right when he accused me of being selfish. I was being selfish. "But you don't have to come with me."

She frowned, "Um, yes I do."

"No, Claude. Think of Terra. Think of Henry. You shouldn't go with me. If something goes wrong, you need to look out for them."

Her frown intensified, "You're my family. Eric and Four and even Tris is my family. If something goes wrong over half my family is gone. So I will go with you so nothing goes wrong."

Smiling, I hugged her tightly. "Okay. Now find Terra and help me get everyone packed and moving."

"Okay." She nodded and jogged away from me.

Taking a deep breath, I went to my apartment, packing what was important to me in my shoulder bag, throwing it over my head and adjusting the strap on my shoulder and across my chest. Gripping the strap, I left, leaving it in Tori's office before starting my sweep of Dauntless. Waking those who hadn't yet, I yelled and demanded and directed for hours, standing at the entrance of the Pit, watching everyone move through and make their way up the path to the Dauntless entrance.

"How are you holding up?" Christina asked as she stepped next to me, her pack over her shoulder.

"Not well." I replied.

"Me neither." She sighed. "I should have stopped her."

"Yes, you should have." I frowned down at her. "Tris is reckless. We all know this but no one is stopping her from making stupid decisions."

"And Eric isn't reckless?" She frowned back.

"He is, but if I begged him to stay, he would have stayed."

"And that's why he left without telling you." She stated.

My jaw clenched and I took a slow deep breath. "You should probably keep moving."

"I didn't mean to piss you off." She replied.

"You didn't." I replied. "You're right. But he still wouldn't do what Tris did. I wouldn't do what Tris did."

"That makes her the bravest of us." She retorted softly.

Looking down at her, I sighed, "Or the dumbest."

She didn't stay long. By the end of midday, the majority of Dauntless was already on the move to Abnegation. Moving in waves to the train, we boarded and leapt out to join our brothers in arms. The brave Dauntless and the ruthless Factionless. This whole fight would be interesting. I doubted Evelyn was doing this out of the kindness of her heart. She wanted something. I was sure she'd declare herself leader of the city. That was going to be her endgame. The question was whether or not she was going to be allowed to pursue it.

"Pen."

For a moment I thought it was Eric. My head jerked toward the sound. Henry stood just out of arms reach. I felt myself deflate, avoiding eye contact with him. "Keep moving."

"Pen, please."

Meeting his eyes, I held them, glaring as I spoke slowly, "Keep moving."

He looked at me for a long moment before nodding, walking away. Sighing, I tried to stay focused on the task at hand and not entirely on Eric. What was happening? Had Jeanine believed him? Were Four and Tris still alive? Was he still alive? If he was, was he safe? For a moment my mind got the better of me, making me duck into a hallway and punch the wall a few times, screaming into my shirt as tears streamed. Getting myself back under control, I returned to my post, rubbing my now bleeding knuckles.

"It's gonna be okay." Claude told me as she stepped next to me, her arm touching mine. I nodded at her, clenching my jaw. "Everyone is nearly out."

Nodding again, I took a slow deep breath. "Take off. I'll do a final sweep of our home and then I'll follow you."

"No. I'll wait." She told me with furrowed brows.

Smiling, I wrapped my arms around her neck. "I'm okay. Get Terra and take off."

"Your knuckles." She frowned letting me go and taking my hand.

"A moment of weakness." I said pulling it free, crossing my arms. I had to hide a grimace as the open skin caught on the fabric of my shirt. "I'd really like to have just a few minutes alone here before I follow you."

"I thought you were making sure everyone was out?" Claude smiled.

Smiling, I nodded, "That too."

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay?" She asked, gently touching my hair, rubbing the strands together, the colors showing themselves.

My mind immediately went through the memories of the times Eric had done just that. Frowning, I took my hair from her hand, clearing my throat as I took a step away from her. "I'm sure."

She almost looked a little hurt by it, but didn't let it get to her. "You're not going to take off after him or anything?"

"No." I told her. "You'd never forgive me if I did. And I'm gonna need you, so it's actually smarter for me to rejoin you in Abnegation before I take off for Erudite."

"Good." She smiled. "You're starting to think again."

Smiling, I laughed lightly, "I'm trying to."

"I love you." She told me with a serious tone. "I'll see you soon."

"Love you too." I smiled, forcing it to stay on my face until she was out of sight.

The sun was setting when the final Dauntless passed me by, the train leaving with the last of them. As soon as they were out of sight, I started to make my final sweep of our home. I hoped we'd be able to come back here one day. I loved Dauntless. I didn't want to make a new home. Mine was fine just the way it was.

Walking the halls, my steps echoed, not finding anyone lingering. Only the loyal were among us. I wasn't expecting anyone to be lurking in the shadows. But to be on the safe side, I checked every nook and cranny, from the storage rooms to the Chasm. As soon as it was done, I started to follow the same halls I'd taken every day for the past five years. Over five years. I Touched the walls, my feet touched the familiar cracks and unevenness, making me already miss it. Walking to my apartment, I went in, going to the many faces of Eric. This could be the last time I looked at it. For all I knew it was the last I'd see of Eric.

Hearing steps, I knew who they belonged to. It seemed to take her ages to finally make it to the room. I'd left the door open and part of me thought she was attempting to give me as long as she could before interrupting. Sighing, letting her know that I knew she was there, her steps grew loud as she moved next to me.

"He's gonna be okay." Tori told me.

"I'm afraid for him." I replied without looking at her.

She sighed, her arm moving around me. "I know you are."

"Why would he leave without telling me? He didn't even say goodbye." I told her, emotion coating my words.

"He believes that he and Four can handle it. He wants to protect you." She replied. There was a long pause before she added, "Can I be honest with you?"

"Gonna finally come clean with what he really told you?" I asked with a raised brow.

"Should have known better than to try and hide it." She replied.

"I've been with you nearly every day for the past five years." I smiled at her. "There is little about you I don't know."

She smiled and nodded, "Likewise."

"What did he tell you?" I asked.

"He's sorry for not telling you. He knows how angry you are. But this is something that he had to do. Something he had to do without you." She paused, her voice soft and sad when she went on. "He loves you more than anything. More than words can describe. I added that part." She smiled and paused again before growing serious. "But he's doing what's right and he needs you to trust him. Trust him and don't do anything stupid." She paused again, watching me smile and nod as I stared at his face. "He also told me to keep you close and to protect you. He made me promise to keep you here. And that if something happened to him that I had to make sure you survived and were okay."

"I thought it would be something like that." I replied as I reached out and touched his smiling face. "But if anything happens to him I will never be okay again."

"I know." She said softly. Then her hand was against the wall, touching his intimidating expression. "I'd hate to think what he'd do to me if I let you just waltz into Erudite."

"You can't stop me." I frowned, meeting her eyes. Though if she really wanted to she could; all she had to do was order me captured and restrained and I'd be helpless against her. "Please, Tori. Don't stop me."

"I won't." She replied. "But I owe him a few days to try and figure things out before you slide in and expose yourself to them. They'll capture you and probably torture you. The whole plan will go up in smoke and if he hasn't succeeded before then, then he never will. Four will never get Tris back and you all will more than likely die."

"I know." I nodded. "But I would be near him."

"Don't be a martyr, Pen." She told me.

Frowning, I wrapped my arms around myself, "I'm not trying to be. But despite how much I love you and Claude and everyone else, I love Eric more than anything."

"And Four and Tris?"

"Four is definitely top five." I nodded at her.

For a moment there was silence before we both laughed, releasing some of the tension. Sighing, I took a step closer to the wall, rememorizing his face just in case.

"I know I asked for one day. But hold off for as long as you can." She told me sadly. "Give them a chance to succeed. You need to be smart about this. Think with your head and not your heart. I will beg you if I have to."

Keeping her eyes, I saw the truth in them, they were pleading to keep me close. "I'll try." I finally told her. "No promises, Tori. But I'll try."

"That's all I ask." She smiled. "Now come on. We're the last. Let's catch a train and go meet our comrades."

"What do you really think about this alliance with the factionless?" I asked her.

"I think them necessary." She replied.

"What do you want to happen after Erudite is gone?" I asked next.

"I don't think Evelyn deserves to be the leader of this city. A leader is something that is agreed upon, not claimed."

I nodded at her, "I agree. So you're going to volunteer and see if they pick you?"

"Maybe." She said softly.

"You deserve it more than Evelyn or Marcus or Harrison or anyone else for that matter." I told her, feeling passionate about it.

"What about Four or Eric?"

"No." I said shaking my head. "Neither of them should be a leader. Not for the whole city."

"Why not?"

"Because both are too distracted. Four has Tris. Eric has me. When this fight is over I don't think leading is going to be high on their lists."

"Good." She smiled. "Less competition."

Laughing, feeling better, we were the last to leave our headquarters, jogging down the tracks until the next train arrived. It was quiet. Almost too quiet. When the train arrived, we pulled ourselves inside, sitting in the shadows to make sure no one would see us. The ride was quiet, both of us on edge. We'd – I'd – lingered in Dauntless too long and now we were the final two to make the trip to Abnegation, making danger lurk in every corner.

When it came to jump, we both launched ourselves out of the train car, staying on our feet, and jogged away from it. My hand momentarily found my side before I pulled my gun from the back of my pants. Holding it tightly until we were on the main streets of Abnegation, the sound of our people's laughter filled our ears. Slowing to a walk, we rounded a corner, seeing barrel fires every few yards, people surrounding them laughing and drinking.

"Home sweet home." Tori smiled at me.

Smiling, I nodded, following her down the sidewalk. She was told where the other leaders were, following her to the house, hearing their voices inside. Following them into the dining room, Harrison was sitting at a table with Evelyn. Edward stood behind her, some guy behind Harrison I didn't know. Tori took a seat and I stood behind her. It would seem that each leader had a confidant. I was surprised Marcus wasn't here but it didn't seem like Evelyn wanted him anywhere near her, let alone a part of any decision making.

"It's about time." Harrison told Tori.

"Welcome." Evelyn smiled at Tori, and then her eyes were upon me. "It's nice to see you again, Pen."

"Evelyn." I told her with an even tone. I couldn't say the same was for me.

"How are you holding up?" She asked.

Smiling, I kept her eyes, "I don't really think we're all here to talk about me."

She smiled, "No, I suppose not."

"Any word from Four or Eric?" Tori asked.

"Nothing." Harrison stated.

"The plan is still in motion." Evelyn stated. "It doesn't appear that anything has changed. We're down to eleven days to get our people to get along and prepared to storm Erudite."

"Our people are ready." Tori told her. "It's yours that will need to work with us. We have the fighting skills."

"Just because my people weren't brought up to fight or shoot doesn't make us any less prepared." Evelyn replied.

Tori countered with a stern tone, "Doesn't it? Dauntless are raised to protect the city. We have impeccable fighting skills and can shoot and throw knives better than anyone. I believe that you and the factionless have been preparing for war. But unless you've had months and years of training, you're not nearly as experienced as us."

Evelyn smiled but finally nodded. "You have a point."

"Of course I do." Tori shot at her. "We need you, I won't deny that, but I will not let you demean my people. You want this as much as we do."

"Yes, I do." Evelyn said with a smile still on her face. "And I'm sure you're aware that my intentions are not simply to help Dauntless eradicate Erudite."

"I am." Tori replied. "We both have an endgame, Evelyn."

They had a stare down that felt as if it lasted forever. The room was starting to get uncomfortable. All the while I wondered what the hell Harrison was doing here. What did he really contribute as a leader of Dauntless? Four and Tori made sense but Harrison was literally just one more so there would never be a tie. Other than that I couldn't decide what the hell he was doing here.

"Training begins at dawn." Evelyn stated, stood, and left the room.

The rest of us stood and made our way from the house. "Well that was fun." I told Tori.

"Pen!" My name was called, making me sigh and turn to see Evelyn standing in the doorway.

"What?" I shot at her.

A warm smile crossed her face. "May I have a word?"

Harrison passed her by, glaring at me all the while. Looking at Tori, she shrugged, meaning that she was leaving the decision up to me. Sighing again, I bowed my head before turning back to the house. I was curious. That was the only reason I was willingly prolonging my company with her.

Following her back into the kitchen, she pulled out a bottle of liquor and filled two glasses. Normally it would be an inch or two but she filled them nearly to the top. "Trying to get me drunk?"

"I think you could use the drink more than anyone else here." She replied.

"What makes you say that?" I shot at her, taking a good drink of the amber liquid. It burned so good, feeling it from the back of my throat all the way to my stomach.

She just looked at me, "I think you know." Sighing, I finished it off and pushed it toward her again. She smiled and refilled it. This time I just took a sip and looked at her expectantly. "How are you really doing?"

"Why do you care?" I countered.

"Because whether I like it or not you mean something to Tobias and I know for a fact that you mean the world to Eric and vice versa."

"And?" I shot at her. "What does that have to do with you and what you're trying to accomplish?"

For a long moment she just looked at me. "Because I don't want to see Tobias hurt because of you. I don't want Eric's cover to be blown because of you. I don't want you hurt because you're letting your emotions get in the way."

"And Tris?" I asked, though she sounded like she was genuinely concerned.

She smiled at me, a happy smile that was making me uncomfortable. "I honestly don't care much about what happens to her."

Laughing, harder than was probably necessary, I nodded at her. "She has that effect on people."

"You don't like her either?" She asked.

"I do actually." I nodded at her. "Not that I'll ever admit to that. Especially to Four."

"Why do you call him Four?"

Taking a sip, I swallowed it slowly. "Because he prefers that Tris be the only one who uses Tobias on a regular basis. And that's just fine with me. When I use his full name he knows I'm being serious. The same can be said when he uses mine. If he's not calling me Opie than something is either wrong or he needs me to pay attention to what he's telling me."

There was a long moment of silence before she spoke again, her smile gone. "Do I stand a chance with him?" She asked, her tone turning anxious.

Holding her eyes for a long moment, I spoke softly, "I don't know, Evelyn. I guess that depends on the decisions you make from here on out. If you really plan on taking over the city, I think you should take into consideration how that might affect him."

"What does he want to happen?"

"I don't know." I replied. "His main concern is getting Tris back. My main concern has been getting Eric back. There hasn't been a lot of time for me and him to get caught up on everything." She nodded, looking upset. "I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but I don't know much more than you, not right now. And if something goes wrong…" I said and trailed off.

"Don't you think they can do it?"

"I think they can do anything they put their minds too. If they really want this to work then it'll work." I replied.

"Then why are you so worried?"

"Because my mind isn't thinking about this rationally." I stated. "I've officially moved from rational thought to worst case scenarios. In my mind they're already dead and I should have just thrown myself into the Chasm when Dauntless was empty."

"No." She smiled. "Neither of them would want you to do that."

"I know." I nodded. "I need them to be okay, Evelyn. They need to come home."

She covered my hand with hers and for the first time, I found myself gripping it back. She smiled, and I suddenly needed a hug. The kind only a mother can give. She seemed to sense it, slowly putting her arms around me, not hugging me tighter until I'd reciprocated, which I did. I needed it and she was here. She may not be the mother I wanted but she was a mother and it felt so good to be hugged.

Smiling as a goodbye, I left the house, needing to find Claude. Going to the house next door, I found Tori with Harrison. They had already been put up and would have the house to themselves. She offered me a room but I declined. I wanted to find Claude and Terra. As long as they didn't attempt to put me under the same roof as Henry, I'd want to stay with them. When the moment came to go after Eric, I wanted Claude with me. I wanted her near.

"Hey, wanna get a bite to eat?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, but I want to find Claude first." I told him.

He smiled, his hand finding my lower back. I smiled and moved away from him. He just laughed and motioned to a house down the street. "I know where she is."

Every house looked the same. I couldn't figure how the hell they kept any of them straight. As we passed through the doorway, I saw an X carved into the doorframe, touching it as I stepped inside. It was a simple house. The stairs were ahead, living room to the left, dining room to the right with the kitchen after that, and I was sure that the bedrooms and bathroom were upstairs. No mirror in sight and everything was grey, giving everything an almost haze-like feel to it.

"Claude!" I called to what appeared to be an empty house.

"Pen." Henry said appearing from the kitchen holding a can of food.

I felt some color leave my face and my throat tightened. I didn't want to see him and being this close without being surrounded by people was making me anxious. But I couldn't stop myself from looking at him. He just looked back. His blond hair was longer than it had ever been. The blueness of his eyes as gentle as always. He wasn't a bad person. He just did a bad thing. Jealousy could drive the most gentle of men mad. I knew it to be true. Tears filled my eyes and yet I couldn't look away from him.

"Pen." He said again, taking a partial step toward me.

Edward looked from me to Henry before putting himself in between us, "Move around." Henry looked at him, nodding before moving from sight. "You okay?" He asked turning to look at me again.

I nodded, clearing my throat, "Sure."

"Pen?" Claude's voice came from upstairs.

Swiftly moving up them, I entered the bedroom I thought she was in, seeing her and Terra straightening their clothes out. "Sorry." I told her as I wrapped my arms around myself.

"Don't be." Terra smiled, moving to me first, her arms wrapping around me comfortingly. Hugging her tightly, I tried to hide the slight shaking that was starting to take me over. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I frowned shaking it off. "I'm just…" I said trailing off. "And then with Henry here…"

"He can go somewhere else." Terra told me quickly, looking over her shoulder at Claude.

"No. It's fine." I told her. "I can go stay with Tori."

"No." Claude stated sternly. "If anyone gets to stay here it's you. He can find somewhere else to go."

"That's not fair, Claude." I told her shaking my head. "He didn't wrong you."

"He wronged me by wronging you." She frowned back.

"He's still one of your best friends. Mine too. But things are tense right now and with Eric not being here it's just making things…difficult."

"Say the word and we're gone." Claude stated matter-of-factly.

Smiling, it quickly faded when I watched a look cross Terra's face. It lasted for just a second but it had been there. "Claude, I can go alone. It's better if I go alone." I told her, getting Terra to look at me questioningly. "Terra needs you, Claude. I can't be selfish enough to ask you to run into the lion's den with me. I'm Divergent. That'll save me for a little while."

"Terra will be fine." Claude frowned. "It's not any different than sending her to be with the factionless."

"It is, Claude." Terra frowned at her. "They are killing people in Erudite. The factionless don't kill people."

"I'm not letting her go alone." Claude stated. "And I'm sorry, but you're not going to change my mind."

Terra frowned at her before glaring at me, swiftly leaving the room. "I'm not going to ask you to piss her off just to fight with me."

"And what are you gonna do, Pen?" Claude frowned. "Give yourself up to Jeanine?"

"For starters. If I have to." I replied.

"Then you're as stupid as Tris is!" She yelled at me. "Jeanine doesn't get to decide who lives and who dies. She doesn't get to decide if you live or die."

"Why not?" I frowned. "If Eric and Four's plan doesn't work than I'm as good as dead anyway."

"Penelope Farrier." She told me with clenched teeth. "I may have grown to like Eric but he is not worth dying for."

"Yes he is." I smiled at her. "He's the only thing I would knowingly and willingly give my life for."

Tears filled her eyes and if looks could kill than I'd be dead. "You are such an idiot."

Laughing, I nodded at her, "Yeah, I really am. But I'm okay with that."

"Well, I'm not. I need you more than I need him."

Smiling wider, I embraced her, "I love you."

"I love you too."

Skipping any sort of dinner, I made myself comfortable in one of the bedrooms. Sitting in the center of the bed, my legs against my chest, I stared at the wall in front of me. Letting my mind paint it with what I wanted to see, and for the briefest of moments I was content. I knew what I wanted to do shouldn't outweigh the mission that Eric and Four were on. But something inside of me knew that something wasn't right. Whatever was happening to them wasn't good. They may have succeeded but they couldn't get out. If they found an opening, Four wouldn't hesitate to get Tris out if he thought her life was in danger. If Eric thought that it wasn't going well, he'd get himself out of there. Wouldn't he? I honestly wasn't sure. All I knew was that I couldn't stand idle and just wait for them either to come back or for the Erudite to throw their bodies at our feet. I told Tori I would try. I tried. I just couldn't stay. Four hadn't hesitated to go after Tris and I sure as hell wasn't going to hesitate to go after Eric. I'd already hesitated too long.

Having made my decision, I found some paper and a pen. Thinking a moment, I spent the next several hours creating a picture out of words. It was actually quite brilliant. And it bought everyone a little more time. An ink jar with a quill sticking out of it. I may have just outdone myself. It was my explanation and goodbye to Tori. She would understand. She would read it and know exactly what I was saying. It was for her and her alone. Then all there was to do was wait for everyone to go to bed. I tried to sleep, but I couldn't keep my eyes shut for more than a few minutes. Laying and staring at the ceiling, I listened to the street grow quiet, and when the time came, I left the paper on the corner of the bed. Grabbing all my weapons, I made my way down the hall to where Claude was.

Letting myself in, I stepped to Claude, putting my hand against her shoulder. She opened her eyes and looked up at me. "It's time." I told her softly.

She quickly got up, changing and pulling an envelope from her bag. Sighing, I nodded as she met my eyes, holding it in her hands. She smiled, momentarily staring at Terra before she set it on her pillow, grabbed all her weapons, and turned to me. "Let's go."

Quietly leaving the house, we slipped between houses and through shadows, making our way out of Abnegation. Starting to jog, we kept an eye out for anyone lurking, making as straight a line as we could leading to Erudite. It was still early when we were close, and I had hoped that few would be patrolling their headquarters. We could get in, find our family, and get the fuck out. It was a simple plan. Maybe even a stupid plan. Either way, I was going in.

When we reached their headquarters, we stopped about a block away, staring at the building. Taking a deep breath, Claude nudged me, "So we go in guns blazing?"

"Basically." I smirked at her.

"Alright then." She smirked back.