Chapter Seventeen: Immeasurable Grief

My hand was held tightly as we raced along the edge of Amity, the ground giving way under our feet. It was an odd sensation to feel ground, propelling yourself forward, only to look over your shoulder to see nothing behind you. For a moment I stared at the back of Eric's head, my eyes trailing down his neck to his shoulders. I followed his arm until I took in our linked hands. For a moment there was a sense of calm, only then my feet felt nothing but air and I found myself falling. Calling out, I slammed against the side of the earth, pain erupting through my body. Looking down, I could see something there but it was too far to make out. Now looking up, I met Eric's eyes.

"Don't let go!" I told him.

"You are stronger than you think." He stated.

"Don't leave me!" I yelled as tears fell from the corners of my eyes, my hand slipping. "I love you, Eric. I will always love you."

Then my hand slipped from his, and I was free falling. Hitting a mound that was jutting out of the side of the earth, I was sent tumbling down, hitting more until I landed hard on my stomach. The dirt seemed to disappear and I was standing in Dauntless, my family surrounding me.

"Maggie." I said rushing to her hugging her tightly as I sobbed into her shoulder. "I'm so sorry. I never meant for anything to happen to you. I love you so much."

"Everything happens for a reason." She told me, her hand running down my hair. "Everything will be okay. You're stronger than you think."

"What?" I frowned, pulling her away from me. "Eric just told me that."

"Then believe it." She told me.

Opening my eyes, I was once again looking at the ceiling in the small room. Jeanine's jaw was set as she stood and walked over to me. "Is this serum working on you at all? Do the simulations have any affect?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked. "Am I not seeing what you want me to see? Am I not showing you what you want me to show you? Maybe if you told me I could just tell you and we can get this over with."

"What clues you in that it's a simulation?" She asked. "And how do you get out of it? It's like it's molding around you."

Sitting up, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, gripping the edge of it. "It's the little things that clue me in. Shit that I know isn't true. In the first one Claude's hair was blue."

"And?" She snapped at me.

"And Claude changed her hair to purple." I replied.

"And in the second?"

"My sister is dead. Eric is dead." I frowned at her. "My brain knows this. If I'm seeing them than I know it's not real."

"But how do you get out of it?" She asked.

"Mind over matter." I stated and shrugged.

She sighed and nodded, leaving the room. Nathan reached for me, but I shifted away from him. Standing, I moved to the door, crossing my arms and waited for him. He scoffed, smirking at me but led me from the room. Staring at the floor, I followed him, knowing that escape wasn't an option. Even if it was, I didn't care if I made it back to the others. I knew that Claude and Henry and Four and Tori would all be pissed and that they would miss me, but I no longer had purpose. Let her study me. Let her kill me. I didn't care.

When Nathan opened a door and motioned me in, I was once again in the MRI room. Frowning, I looked at him, wondering what the hell we were doing here. He simply nodded and motioned toward the machine. Sighing, it took a long moment for me to move, stepping up to the machine slowly. Looking at the mirror, seeing a shadow of myself looked back at me, I knew that Jeanine was watching me. Holding myself high, I glared at her, only not just at her but at myself as well. I let everyone down. I let myself down. If the last thing I did was give Jeanine exactly what she wanted then I had turned out to be pretty damn pathetic. But in my mind I was still doing it all for Eric. She would return him to me. If that meant she won a few rounds, then fine. But I'd find a way to end myself before she figured out the serum. I had to do something. As soon as I got Eric back then I could plan my next move. But even in death he was still my top priority.

"Lay down, Penelope." She told me through a mic.

"And if I don't?" I glared as I tapped my fingers on top of the table.

There was a moment's pause before pain seared through my back, making me drop to my knees. My vision speckled as I gripped the edge of the table, looking over my shoulder at Nathan. He had a pained expression on his face, but he would do whatever she wanted.

"Don't make me do this." He told me quietly. "Please, Pen, just lay the fuck down."

Getting back onto my feet, I turned to him, dipping my chin as I glared. In the next moment I'd lunged at him, snatching the gun from his hands and tossing it across the room. Punching him hard and repeatedly, he went to the floor, scrambling toward the gun instead of just fighting me. Following him, I kicked his side as many times as I could, watching him reach for his gun. When his fingers were just inches away, I gripped his should, ready to stop him, only I faltered. I didn't want to stop him. I wanted this. Having paused just long enough for him to reach the gun, he flipped himself onto his back, aiming the gun at my forehead.

"Do it." I told him, blood dripping from his nose and mouth.

"Penelope." Jeanine said exasperatingly.

"Do it, Nathan. Kill me." I told him, lunging toward him again.

The gun went off, making me drop to my knees, only it was never meant to hit me. My ear was ringing, making me clasp my hand over it as the pain of it reverberated through my head. Hearing the door, I looked up to see two Dauntless traitors step in and move toward me. Looking at Nathan, we frowned at each other before I was being dragged to my feet and led to the table.

"Just lay down, Penelope. No need to make this any harder than it needs to be." Jeanine told me through the glass.

"Bullshit." I shot back. Only it was my reflection I was speaking to.

"If you want Eric, you need to cooperate."

"You already went back on your word. It's only fair that I do the same."

I was met with silence, only then the door opened and Jeanine strode in on her high horse. She stepped up to me and swiftly held her hand out to me. Jerking away from her, I glanced between her face and her hand, curious and almost afraid of what might be inside of it. When she opened her palm, she revealed a white stone with the infinity symbol etched into it. Maggie had given me it the morning of the Choosing Ceremony. I managed to keep it until the night of initiation and then I'd lost it. I hadn't even thought about it since then.

"Where did you get this?" I asked her airily.

"Eric's pocket." She replied nonchalantly.

Starting to shake, I reached out for it only to have her take her hand back. Meeting her eyes with a hard glare, I swallowed the lump in my throat. "You're lying."

"Am I?" She smirked. Shaking my head, I didn't know what to think. "Maybe he wasn't completely honest with you."

Shaking my head, I paced away from her. He wouldn't have kept it from me. Maybe he had no idea that it had once belonged to me. Maybe he just…

"It doesn't matter." I spat at her.

"Hazel told me that your sister Maggie gave this to you. That it would hold meaning now that both of them were dead."

"It doesn't matter." I told her again. "Even if Eric knew what that was. It doesn't matter anymore."

"Why would he keep it from you?" She asked.

"It doesn't matter." I repeated as I shook my head.

"Why not?"

"Because he's dead!" I yelled at her. "Eric is dead! Maggie is dead! Nothing matter's anymore!"

"And the rest of your little family?" She asked. "They don't matter anymore either?"

For a long moment I just looked at her. "They aren't here. They are out there and they are safe. You can't hurt them anymore."

She laughed lightly. "I have you don't I?"

Stopping my pacing, I looked at her, momentarily holding my breath. She just smirked at me, keeping my eyes before she turned heel and left the room.

"Lay down, Penelope." She told me before she was out of the room.

Turning back to the table, I felt tears prickling my eyes. Looking at Nathan, he sighed and nodded at me. Nodding back, I laid down, shutting my eyes as it started to slide into the machine. Keeping a blank expression, letting a few stray tears slip from the corners of my eyes, I endured the clanking of the machine. I didn't know what she was looking for but there must have been something she wanted to revisit. I tried to focus on that and not my lost love or my cherished sister. If I thought about them then I knew I wouldn't be able to keep an ounce of stoicism. Despite how completely defeated I felt. Despite how badly I wanted to breakdown. I'd save that for when I was alone. I still wanted to attempt to keep myself put together in Jeanine's presence.

Afterward, Nathan took my back to my cell, stepping in to see Hazel standing there. "You don't want to be here." I told her coldly.

"I'm here for you, Penelope. You're still my sister."

"Bullshit!" I yelled at her. "You stopped being my sister the moment you aligned yourself with Jeanine and her dogs! They are going to kill me, Hazel. They are going to kill me and there is nothing you can do about it."

"She said she would try and keep you alive." She replied. "I pleaded for your life and she said she'll give it to me."

"Just like she told me that she would return Eric to me?" I retorted.

"I am sorry about him."

"Where is he?"

"He was disposed of." She replied with indifference.

My breath caught as my chest clenched. Dropping to my knees, sitting back on my heels, the room started to spin. Throwing up onto the floor, I fell back against the wall, falling to the side as I curled myself into a ball. Sobs broke from me again, realizing that I would never see him again. I just wanted to see him once more and they'd disposed of him.

"Thrown out like the trash he was."

For a moment I just looked at her. Then I was on my feet, lunging forward, punching her to the ground. I don't think my fists had ever moved so fast in my life. The door burst open and Nathan appeared. Darting to my feet, I quickly disarmed him, shooting him in the abdomen before turning and shooting Hazel in the head. Running from the room, I saw Caleb standing there dressed in Erudite as well. I raised the gun, hearing him scream; only my finger was already squeezing the trigger. Watching him slump to the floor, a hole in the middle of his forehead, I leapt over his body, charging down the hall as fast as I could. My bare feet were loud against the floor, echoing against the walls as I attempted to find a way out. Then the halls filled with the sound of running feet. Looking behind me, I caught a glimpse of at least six before I veered down another hall.

Somehow I stumbled across the elevators, darting through the door to the stairs. I practically slid all the way down them, pain in my heel. I knew it was bleeding when every step I took felt slick. Without stopping, I charged out the side door, racing across the wood floor to the entrance, seeing the sun shining outside. Before I made it to the door, soldiers came from both directions, sliding in front of me. Raising the gun, I shot three before they started to fire on me. Feeling a bullet hit my shoulder, another in my side, I attempted to keep momentum, but I was slowing quickly. Falling to my knees, I was going to accept my fate when more shots rang and Four slid into view.

"Tobias!" I screamed.

Tris appeared behind him, and then Tori, and then Claude and Henry. They all shot at the soldiers that were coming into view. Scrambling forward, I was moved behind my family, looking up as Eric slid into view, the sun hitting his back, giving him a glowing aura. He rushed forward gripping me and yanked me to my feet. Soon my legs were scooped from underneath me and he was running as I gripped him tightly. He put me in the back of a truck, hitting the top of it, making it speed off.

We drove out of the city, Amity fields coming into view, the fence towering above us. When we finally stopped, I took Eric's head in my hands, looking at him. He wasn't dead. He was right here in front of me. Before he could say anything, my lips crashed against his. Running my tongue along his, I needed to taste him. I needed him to breathe the life back into me. I needed him inside of me.

"I thought you were dead." I told him. "I believed you were dead."

"I know." He nodded, kissing me again. "I don't know how long I was out but when I woke up I was in some alley. I thought everyone escaped so I went back to meet up with everyone at Dauntless. I'd never leave you." He smiled down at me.

My smile faltered as I stared at him. My mind wanted to give in and accept this world. The world where Eric was still alive. "You were going to meet us at Dauntless?" I asked him.

"That was the plan. Regroup at home. I had to get back to you." He replied, his lips finding mine again.

They felt like his lips. His chest was his chest. His voice was like chocolate and his hands against me had never felt so good. "I wish this was real." I told him, running my hand down his face, my thumb across his lips.

"Pen." He frowned. "I'm right in front of you. I am real."

"No. You're not." I replied, wrapping my arms around him.

In the next second he was gone, and I slowly opened my eyes, my temples drenched with tears, my hair with sweat. Sitting up, I looked at Jeanine, her expression frustrated. "You're getting closer." Standing, I went to the door. "Take me back to my cell now."

For a long moment she just looked at me. "You and Beatrice have more in common than you think." She told me.

"Stop it." I told her with furrowed brows, shutting my eyes. "I don't want to be compared to her."

"Four was her trigger just as Eric is yours." She said ignoring my words. "I'm actually starting to feel a little sympathy for you. You truly do love him."

Turning my head to meet her eyes, I nodded, "More than my own life."

"You were good for him, Penelope." She said standing and slowly stepped toward me. "He could have been a great man, with you at his side."

"I know." I nodded.

"It's almost a shame that we'll never know."

Frowning, I wanted to attack her, but managed to refrain. Instead, I needed to know what was real. "Is it true?" I asked her.

"Be more specific, Penelope." She retorted with annoyance.

I thought a moment, trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't. It was all starting to blur together. "Did you throw him out?"

For a long moment she just looked at me, her reply coming as easy as breathing, "An example had to be made."

Tears filled my eyes as I nodded. I felt dazed as I moved toward the door. Looking at Nathan but not really seeing him. Feeling his hand grip my arm, I let him lead me down the halls and back to my cell. Stepping into it, the door closed behind me, leaving me there alone to stare at nothing. It was over. It was all over.

"He's gone." I told myself. "He's really gone."

For a long while I paced and cried, once again writhing inside myself. I shuddered with the need to just explode. The grief was killing me slowly and all I wanted was for it to be over as soon as possible. I was never going to see him again. I was never…he was gone…and I was never…

Screaming until it hurt, I threw myself onto my knees, sobbing as I doubled over, pressing my forehead into my hands. When the tears slowed, I sat on my heels, finally looking up at the bed. Sighing, I stood and moved toward it. Giving in as I lay down, curling into myself. The tears came back with a vengeance, crying until sleep finally took me. I couldn't take any more. I didn't want to. I just wished she'd kill me already.


Sitting against the wall, staring at the one opposite of me, I prayed for death. I had no idea how much time had gone by. It didn't matter. I would die here just like the rest of the Divergent. Alone. I just wanted this to be over. My body hurt. It felt like it had been abused for weeks. I ached and my head throbbed. The simulations were becoming more and more complex. Their intensity growing as well, making my body shake nearly constantly, and I was finding it harder and harder to find a way out of them. There was a brief moment where I thought I'd finally lost. Where she had finally beaten me and the complexity that was my mind. The simulation had once again returned Eric to me. For the first time we were happy. Which made it that much more terrifying. We were happy and in Dauntless and there was peace. But I knew I couldn't stay. Even though I wanted to so badly. I couldn't hide from the truth. It kept finding me, reminding me of everything I'd lost.

For I had truly lost everything.

I started to pray for Four to come to my rescue. For Claude and Henry to kill every traitor in Erudite. For Tris to have her revenge against Jeanine. The worst part about everything was that the simulations held a level of truth to them. Caleb really had returned to Erudite. He and Hazel would visit and try and convince me to just give in. Rather, Hazel tried to convince me, deluded enough to believe that Jeanine was actually going to spare my life. Caleb just stood there. He never asked about Tris. He never said a word. He was silent while Hazel kept talking and talking. I wished she would just shut up. But she never did. She kept going on and on about how Jeanine was learning so much, all I had to do was give in. Give in and then what? If she did let me live it would be in a cell where she could continue to monitor me, using me as her own personal lab rat until my body or mind gave out and I finally died. I didn't want to live like that. I didn't want to live at all.

But I couldn't give in either.

Nathan stopped coming to see me, and when the traitors weren't in my midst, I sat alone. Not that I cared. I just sat and stared and cried. There were moments where I didn't even feel like a person anymore. I couldn't feel anything past my grief. My mind and body more exhausted then it'd ever been, making me look at the bed, part of me wanted to just lay down and feel the slightest bit of comfort. But having used it once was too much. I didn't want to feel comforted. I didn't want to ease my pain. I didn't deserve it, and they didn't deserve the satisfaction. Not that it mattered. No one really cared if I used the damn thing or not.

Having fallen asleep, I knew it was a dream, but I let it envelope me. Eric and I were in my apartment, standing at the edge of the bed, staring at each other. Then he stepped up to me, reaching for my hands. He took them in his, bringing them to his lips, trailing them across my fingers. Then he took my index and ring finger into his mouth, gently sucking them in turn. A shiver ran through me, making me close my eyes to cherish the feeling. Then I was against his chest, his arms wrapping around me tightly as he turned my back to the bed. Pushing me down, I crawled backward as he crawled with me, our lips never separating. Pulling the clothes from our bodies, I laid back against the pillows. He ran his hand down my body, moving it between my legs, massaging me until I dripped with wanting for him. Shuddering beneath him, I ran my hand along his muscles, trailing kisses down his neck to his chest. Reaching for his penis, I gripped it, massaging him gently until he was hard in my grasp. Arching against him, I took a sharp intake of breath as he pushed inside.

I was whole once more.

Making love passionately, we rolled beneath the sheets, our bodies slipping back and forth across each other as if no other two had ever fit so perfectly. His breath moved across my face and I breathed him in, licking his lip before once again pressing mine against his. Wrapping my arm around his neck, I ran my hand along his shoulders before his neck and the back of his head, loving the feel of him. When we finally lay still, his weight was still on top of me. I rested my hand against his cheek, my thumb running along his lips. He smiled down at me, running his fingers through my hair.

"I am so in love with you." He told me softly.

Smiling, he kissed me deeply, leaving me breathless. "I don't think I could ever love anything as much as I love you." I told him.

He rolled off of me, pressing against my side, his arm bent with his hand against his temple. "Will you do something for me?" He asked with furrowed brows.

"Anything." I replied, running my hand up and down his forearm.

"If anything happens to me, you need to be okay. You need to fight." He told me softly. "Don't let me ruin you, Pen."

"You could never ruin me." I frowned at him. "But nothing is going to happen to you. You promised me that nothing would happen to you. You told me that you were safe."

"I know." He nodded, running his fingers through my hair, twisting a strand to see all the colors. "I love your hair."

"Eric." I said mirroring him. "I promise you that I will fight. But I can't promise you that I'll survive."

"What if I get you pregnant?" He smirked. "Right now, in this moment, what if you were carrying my child?"

Laughing, shaking my head, I pressed closer against him, wrapping my arm around him. "Then I would fight, Eric." I told him, putting my hand against my flat stomach. "I would fight for our child. It would be a part of you." He smiled and kissed me sweetly. "Will you promise me the same?" I asked him.

"Carry our child?" He asked with furrowed brows and a smirk still on his lips.

"No!" I said lightly hitting his chest and laughed. "Promise me that you'll be okay if something happens to me."

"Never." He replied quickly. "You know I'm the weaker one. If anything happened to you I'd never come back from it. I already had a glimpse of what life would be without you and I refuse."

"You're a better man now. You are worthy of a better future. Wherever this war takes us. You deserve to find happiness."

"Then I suggest you don't let anything happen to you." He smiled.

Lightly shaking my head, I rested my hand against his face. "You're impossible."

"No, I'm in love." He replied, wrapping his arms around me.

His lips met mine as he rolled on top of me, once again making love, part of me hoping I'd get pregnant. A family - a life - with him would be amazing. If only such a thing was possible.

A bang on the door scared me awake, my head flying up, my sister coming in. My brows furrowed and I blinked tears from my eyes. I had been perfectly happy dreaming of Eric. My mind giving me the closure that I desperately needed. Hazel stepped up to me, sitting at my side. Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I wrapped my arms around my legs, averting my eyes. They felt puffy, sore, and heavy. It was too much work to try and look at her anyway.

Without saying a word, she put her hand on my knee, scooting closer before she hugged my leg to her side. Putting my hand on her arm, I gently squeezed it, running my thumb back and forth across it. I hated her, but she was still my sister. I remembered her comforting me after I fell. Holding me when I was sick. Helping me learn how to cook and to write and to read. For sixteen years she had been there for me. Helping me. Then I defected and now we were strangers. I was a Divergent Rebel and she was an Erudite Traitor.

"How did we get here?" I asked her.

"I don't know." She replied.

"We used to be so close. I never thought that our family bonds would ever be broken. And now look at us." I frowned, meeting her eyes. "I'm Divergent and a test subject. I lost Eric. You are a traitor. Maggie is dead. And we have no idea where Mom and Dad are."

"I'm sure they're safe in Amity." She told me.

"What are they doing?" I asked.

"I don't know." She replied. "All I know is that I agree with Jeanine."

Nodding, I sighed, "You're such an idiot."

She frowned at me before we both smiled and laughed. Probably harder than was necessary since we were basically enemies now. "I was going to say the same thing about you." Laughing again, I nodded. "But I'm still your sister. And I still love you."

For the first time in a long time, I watched as tears came to her eyes. Her brows furrowed as sadness crossed her face. Sighing, I wrapped my arm around her, pulling her tight against my side. She turned her head into me, her tears drenching the front of my dirty shirt. Unable to find the tears for her, I let her cry. I hoped she was finally letting what was happening sink in. Maybe I hadn't completely lost my sister.

When she finally stopped, we sat in silence for a long while before the door opened and Nathan stepped in. "I didn't think you were going to come see me anymore." I stated.

"It's time for a shower." He told me.

Nodding I got to my feet. Hazel followed behind me as Nathan led the way. "How long has it even been?" I asked.

"A few days." Hazel told me. Nodding, I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. God it felt like an eternity. "Do you want me to help you?" She asked.

"No." I replied. "I'd like to do it alone."

Stepping into the bathroom, I moved to the shower, turning it on until it ran hot. Undressing, I put my ripped, dirty, and bloodied clothes on a bench, catching my reflection in the mirror. I barely recognized myself. I couldn't decide if it was my red and sunken eyes, rimmed with dark circles, or the grease trap that was my hair that made me look so horrible. Or the fact that I was still healing from my wounds that never seemed to get the opportunity to heal properly.

Either way, I looked like shit, and I was happy about it. I looked exactly how I felt.

Turning to the water, I slowly stepped under the stream, letting it flow over me. It felt amazing. Shutting my eyes, tilting my head back, memories of Eric flashed through my mind, making me gasp and jerk, my eyes flying open. Putting my hands against the wall behind the water, I bowed my head. Shaking horribly, I shut my eyes again, seeing him. I held my control for only a moment before I was sobbing, the hot water running over me. Falling to my knees, I sobbed as if he had died just moments ago.

When the sobs had stopped, my arm was on top of my knees, my hand in my hair. My chest ached, paining me every time I took a breath, making each one unbearable and short. I felt like I couldn't get enough air into my lungs, making my head start to fog over and my heartbeat loud in my ears. Hearing the door open, I held my breath as I looked up, seeing my sister's silhouette through the curtain. For a split second my mind had given me hope. Maybe this was all as real as the simulations and I just hadn't realized it yet. But I knew it wasn't. This was real. Staring at the floor again, I could see her out of the corner of my eye, blurry from the tears still in them and the certain. She lingered for a long while and I wasn't sure if she could see me sitting on the floor or what, but I didn't need her sympathy right now. I didn't want it.

"I'm leaving some clean clothes for you." She told me.

"Thank you." I replied with a raspy throat.

She set them down on the bench, turned heel, and swiftly left the room. Getting to my feet, starting to clean myself, I had to hold back a sob as I washed what was left of Eric's blood off my arm. The last thing I had of him. As soon as it was gone, I let the sob break from me before taking several deep breaths, attempting to keep myself together. Something was happening. I felt like this small kindness was only to prepare me for the end. Might as well look nice when I'm killed.

Stepping out, I dried myself off, looking at the clothes she had left. I was surprised to find color amongst them. Another small kindness, more than likely from Hazel. Though I couldn't think of a reason that made sense to why she would be kind to me. She was going to let Jeanine kill me. So what was the point? Nevertheless, I picked up the overly fancy orange bra and laced underwear, a black long-sleeved V-neck, a pair of dark blue jeans and a pair of lightly used black boots. Putting them on, I couldn't deny that I felt better. The all black I had been wearing was Dauntless and I was never going back there. This was both Dauntless and Amity. Both were a part of me. I was okay representing them at the end. Looking at my hand, I ran my fingers along the quill, lightly smiling as I allowed happy memories to fill my mind. Running my fingers through my hair, I tucked it and my bangs behind my ears.

When I lingered as long as I felt I could, I stepped back out and faced my sister and Nathan. "Is it happening?" I asked them. Both of them looked at me sadly, and then Hazel burst into tears, throwing her arms around my neck. "It's okay." I told her. "I should've died a long time ago."

"One more simulation first." Nathan stated. "If it goes the way she expects, then she's going to have you executed."

Nodding, I let go of Hazel, taking a deep steadying breath. "Alright then. Let's get it done."

"I love you, Pen." Hazel told me.

"You wait till the day I'm gonna die to get my name right?" I smirked at her.

She laughed and hugged me again. "I'm sorry about all this."

"I'm not." I replied. "Not anymore. I'll get to see Eric again."

Following Nathan, I held myself high. If this was the end, I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of me being weak. I'd die with dignity and then I'd be reunited with Eric. Not only him but Maggie as well. I believed that I would see them again. So I would die and it would all be over.

Stopping in front of the door, the hallway was quieter than it usually was. Not really thinking about it past the observation, Nathan pushed the door open and my jaw dropped, feeling as if it would hit the floor. Sitting in the chair, a shit-grin on his face, was Eric.

"Am I in a simulation?" I asked them as I stared at him.

"Nope." Eric said pushing himself out of the chair. "I've been resurrected."

"If this isn't real I'm going to go on a killing spree." I said still staring at him.

"I'm back, baby." He said excitedly, opening his arms to me. Tears filled my eyes and I just stood there, my brows furrowed and a frown on my face. "Pen." He said, his happy demeanor deflating.

"Tell Jeanine that her serum works." I said aloud. This was so surreal. "Now let's just get the execution over with." I added still staring at him.

"Execution?" Eric stated, shock running across his face.

Then Nathan was moving, his gun raised. Only Eric easily disarmed him, punching him to the floor where he lay unconscious. The more I looked at him, the more I wanted to believe that this was real. His movements were his. His voice was his. His expressions were just as they should be. But I'd seen him too many times in simulations to actually allow myself to fully believe. I'd seen him dead. He was dead. This couldn't be real.

"I don't understand." I said taking a step back.

"Pen." Eric said with a hard tone stepping toward me. "I'm alive. I came for you."

The more he stepped toward me the more I stepped back. My chest started to feel tight, panic starting to fill me. Feeling the wall, I slid down it, my knees bent against my chest, my hands over my ears, my eyes tightly shut as I pressed my forehead against them. "Make it stop." I said rocking. "I can't take it anymore. Please, just make it stop."

"Pen." He said, feeling his hands on my knees.

"No!" I yelled scrambling away from him. "You're dead!"

"Pen, calm down." He said holding his hands up. His voice was soft and calming.

"I watched them confirm you dead!" I yelled, getting to my feet and paced the hall. Looking at Hazel, she had a shocked look on her face. "Did you do this?" I shot at her.

"No." She said shaking her head, her expression fearful. "I don't know how..." She added, trailing off.

"I don't understand." I repeated, my fingers in my hair. I felt like I was going mad. Jeanine had finally won. "I don't understand." My voice felt small and weak. What was I supposed to do?

Eric stepped forward, a pained expression on his face. "Baby, what did they do to you?"

I met his eyes, keeping them as I paced. "I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand!" I yelled at him, before a manic laugh escaped me, quickly followed by a wave of depression. "She won." I told him, my eyes filling with tears as I met his eyes again. "I can't do this anymore. I can't. I just…I can't."

"Pen, please. It's me. I swear to you that I'm real." He said still slowly moving toward me. "I will explain everything to you, but you need to come with me. We need to get you out of here." Rocking from side to side, I stayed in place as he finally reached me. He put his hands on my arms and for a moment I tensed, wanting to move away from him but found that I couldn't. "I'm real."

For a long moment I just stared at him. I wanted to believe him. I wanted him to be real. But I'd spent the last seventy-two hours with his blood on me. I'd listened to the traitors tell me he was dead. He was dead. Jeanine had finally figured out how to control the Divergent. This war was over. I just wanted to get this over with. I was ready to die. Death was better than this.

"Baby." He said softly. "Pen."

Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I slowly put my hands against his chest. For a moment I shut my eyes, reveling the feeling of him. Sliding my hands up to his neck, I met his eyes, staring into them. He wiped a tear from my cheek, offering me a smile. His smile alone made every one of my muscles relax, relief washing over me. His smile grew and in the next moment I had thrown my arms around his neck. Sobbing as I continuously ran my hand down the back of his head, I buried my face in his neck. His arms were painfully tight around me, feeling him start to shake ever so slightly.

"Baby, it's okay. I'm right here."

Then I was kissing him, not caring that my snot and tears were smearing across him. When I needed a breath, my lips were still parted, breathing in his every exhale. "I don't understand." I whispered to him.

"We gotta go!" A voice yelled behind us, Henry running into view. "Come on, come on, come on!"

Eric looked at me before he turned to Hazel. Anger crossed his face, hitting her, hard, leaving her unconscious on the floor. "Time's up." He said gripping my hand.

Running down hall after hall, I wasn't paying an ounce of attention as to where we were going. All I could see was Eric. Staring at the back of his head, the way his muscles moved, the warmth of his hand around mine. I still didn't really believe that this was happening. Jeanine had outdone herself. She had perfected her serum and now I was going to be with Eric before I died. Maybe the simulation would have me get shot and I could die in his arms. Maybe the scene would just fade away as I died. But in this moment, all I cared about was the fact that I got to touch him. Even if it was just one last time.

"Do you have her?" Claude's voice called out. Shifting from behind Eric, I looked at her, purple hair and all, watching as her shoulders slumped. "Thank god."

"They're coming." Another voice said from behind her.

"Terra?" I frowned. She was garbed in black, her voice stronger than I'd ever heard it, Claude's chains still wrapped around her neck.

"What's wrong with her?" Claude said as we reached her.

"She's fine!" Eric yelled at her. "Let's just get the hell out of here."

In the next moment we were being fired upon. Turning round a corner, I felt pain, slamming into the wall and going down. My eyes fell shut and I couldn't get them to open again. I couldn't get my body to move. It hurt like hell. The simulations never usually hurt this much. But maybe it was finally happening and this was how my mind was going to rationalize it for me.

Only then I was scooped up, recognizing Eric's strong arms around me. "Henry!" He yelled and I heard rapid fire close to my head. "Claude! Clear the entryway!" He yelled. "Baby you're going to be fine." He told me softly. "I've got you. I'll never let anything happen to you again. Just hold on a little bit longer."

My last thought was 'Please be real' before everything fell away.