She lay content in his arms, heart still pounding. Last night was good, but this morning...10 uninterrupted hours of sleep had really given him some energy. She had never been left feeling like this by any previous boyfriends. A few had been rather self absorbed and Intimacy felt very one sided. As long as they got what they wanted from it, that was all that mattered.
But with Toby, he cared. He made sure that she was comfortable and she enjoyed herself too. He would ask her through out if she was ok and didn't assume to know her body better than she did, he was eagerly learning about what she needed and enjoyed- as was she.
This felt like her first adult relationship, with communication and honesty. And it felt right. With her other boyfriends she could see the end, predict when the relationship would have run its course. But she couldn't with Toby, maybe that's because he saw and treated the relationship like it was endless. Like she was it for him, till the end of time and no matter how she had pushed him away and discouraged him he didn't give up. He kept fighting for this. For her. For soft warm flesh, beating hearts and elation. He saw her potential for happiness and love when she couldn't and he waited till she felt brave enough to try. She didn't see the end so maybe there would never be one. Maybe this was it. Maybe she had found someone who would enjoy good days and endure the bad ones because having her in his life, the good times were worth it. And it was becoming clear very fast that what he had said on the rooftop was right. He wouldn't be the one to walk away when things got hard because she saw it, he wasn't scared of messing up, he was scared of her giving up and throwing the towel in. it was easier to focus on his faults as that helped keep him at a distance, and her from being hurt. But she didn't want that any more. So there, in that moment, in that bed with her heart pounding, she made the decision. She wasn't going to let herself sabotage this.
She was thinking, he could practically hear the cogs going round in her head. He wanted to ask, but if she wanted to let him in on her thoughts,she would. He could do this for the rest of his life. He had thought about it quite a lot, a life with Happy. He had waited so long, he wanted it all. Wedding, honeymoon, babies,pre-school,minivan vacations, parent meetings, homework,groundings. All with Happy. He would have been content in his marriage with his ex, but he felt it would have been a mediocre life. He'd have been happy with her, but maybe not as excited to wake up each morning as he was with Happy, She left him breathless every day,with the simplest of things. How he had restrained himself for so long he doesn't know, probably fear of injury. But the past doesn't matter any more. She was his future whether she realised it or not. He thought about how best to approach such a topic as marriage. Was it even something she wanted?
"How about we go for a walk later?"
"hmmm?"
she looked up towards him and he smiled down at her
"sorry I was thinking"
"I said, would you like to go for a walk later?"
"a walk?"
"yeah, a walk. It just seems that with our crazy life, time spent with you is usually at work or here. I want to do something normal and couple-ly with you"
she smiled, he was right. There wasn't many times in which they got to spend time together in a normal people way.
"sure I would love too"
They eventually got up and headed out, deciding that they would go get lunch and walk the park that lay a little outside of the city. They didn't speak much, just enjoyed one another's company dotted with forehead kisses and arms round waists. They sat at a little bench and when Toby went to get them ice cream Happy spotted a couple having pictures taken. Wedding pictures. It struck something within her. She would sometimes see the couples exit the church opposite the group home when she was really little. the smiles,cheering and confetti raining down on two people who had promised themselves to one another in front of god. She thought it was magical, she was young enough to believe that was an option for her, a forlorn dream. When she was 14 she stayed with a couple who owned a wedding dress shop. Life had taught her to be cynical, the charm weddings once held was long gone. She didn't like going down into the shop, all those hopeful, perky brides to be. All thinking that a stunning dress and a beautifully expensive wedding, that it would be the beginning of their happy ever after. but for most would ultimately end up in resentment and a messy divorce.
But there was once, she was downstairs watching the shop whilst her foster mother went out for an hour, she was sorting out some of the dresses in the back.
It was rather plain and simple, elegant. It wasn't like what the ladies who usually came in wanted, they all wanted big princess dresses with puffy sleeves and too many ruffles. when the shop was closed and her foster mother was distracted, she went went back down and found the dress once more, just to admire it. She held it up against herself in the mirror,just to see. But then she heard the soft voice of the foster mother
"would you like to try it on"
she had spun round, furious at herself at getting caught being childish and sentimental. She instantly put up her defences. She chucked the dress at the foster mother and tried to push past her. She caught her arm
"Happy, there is no shame in desiring happiness and wanting love, you just hide it behind those walls of yours. Honey, I think one day you are going to be looking for a dress of your own. Come on"
Happy was too embarrassed as to kick up a fuss so she followed her to a changing room.
"Come on"
she stood in her underwear, trusting her foster mother but still feeling rather vulnerable.
"Close your eyes"
she thought about objecting but closed them anyway. She felt the coolness of the of the fabric as it slid over her small frame. Her foster mother pinned it as to get the shape right and chastised her when she attempted to open her eyes. She was guided out into the shop and in front of where she knew the large mirror stood.
"open your eyes"
Happy had never considered herself to be beautiful, but the way her hair contrasted the white fabric and the way her skin appeared to glow. in that moment, she really did feel beautiful. It wasn't a great fit as she was a little lacking in a woman's chest and hips but she could see it. See the potential.
"i think you've found your dress anyway"
Happy turned to the woman,who was beaming. 6 months the girl had been with them and she feared she would never see her eyes light up as they did stood in that dress.
"no. no way, its cute, but its just silly. I'm never going to be wearing one, let alone this"
"we shall see"
"Hey, you ok?"
"Hmmm? Oh hey, yeah i'm fine. Just thinking."
"you seem to be doing quite a bit of that today, would you like to share?"
"no, its nothing important. Just thoughts"
"sweetheart I would listen to 'just thoughts' all day so long as they were yours"
He handed her the ice cream and sat down beside her.
Mint chocolate with raspberry sauce and gummy worms. it was odd but she got the option of having whatever she wanted when she was 5 and having never had the chance before, she chose those three things. Other kids thought it was weird but it always reminded her that someone had given her an option,she had,had the opportunity to choose.
"you remembered"
"of course"
"i'd have just been happy with plain mint chocolate"
"I know, but I wanted to get you what it is you really wanted"
she was suddenly kissing him. hard. Breaking away she leaned her forehead against his slightly breathless.
"i love you"
he sat slightly stunned.
"it's only ice cream"
a little embarrassed she sat back onto her seat.
"i know, but thanks"
they sat in silence for a moment eating their ice cream, neither one looking at the other. He suddenly turned to her.
"so you love me. You don't just like me"
he leaned in close to her, whispering
"you, Love Me"
turning her head to look him in the eyes, a big smile on her face and a sparkle in her eyes
"yeah, I do, I really do"
he closed the very small gap to kiss her gently. He'd waited so long to hear the words, it was so worth it.
