They sat on the grass under the shade of a large tree in silence. Toby leaning against the trunk with Happy sitting between his legs, her head resting under his chin. His hand wrapped around her middle the other mindlessly playing with the ends of her hair
"You think we should be heading home?,i kinda wanna curl up on the couch with the woman who loves me and watch a movie"
she was quiet.
"Happy,you awake?"
the silence continued.
He shifted to see her face, the movement broke Happy from her trance
"Hmmm, what? Sorry?"
"Happy you seem really distracted by whatever it is you are thinking, are you really ok?"
she was quiet for a minute before she shifted round to be able to look him in the eyes.
"You said I should think on that theoretical marriage of ours. were you serious? Is that where you are at with this?, if I was there too, If you were sure I wanted it. would you ask me?"
he took a pause
"yes, I guess, on all accounts..."
she considered it for a minute.
"Right. Good. OK." she was rather revealed. She turned back to her original position.
Toby however was rather blind sided. What does that mean? Is that permission to ask? Is she expecting it now? He had gotten Sly to calculate her ring size and he had ordered the ring. He still had no clue as to when he would get to put it on her finger, but he wanted to be prepared . Which if he understood what she was saying,would be sooner rather than later. holy crap.
She was ok with this. Yes, yes she was. She loved him. Never in her life had she loved someone so much as she loved him. And he loved her, for all she had done and for all she was, he wanted her and only her.
But then it struck her. 'First comes love then comes marriage...then comes baby in the baby carriage' would Toby want a family, does she want a family? It had been nice having Ralph around but to be a parent? To start with a screaming baby? With a pregnancy...that she might not survive? no. no she couldn't do that. Not to Toby. Not to the kid. Se best not to go down that road. No.
Toby awkwardly coughed. "erm,yeah..you ready to go home?"
"mmhmm"
they got up and there was an awkward moment of whether they were going to hold hands or not.
They got back to the apartment and it was quiet. Awkward.
They returned to work the next day and both desperate to talk this through with someone, even if it couldn't be the other party involved. But decided against it. This was between them.
A little while later she saw movement in her peripheral vision
"Happy?"
Sylvester was hovering near her bench
"i was wondering if you could help me with something, its not big, or important really but..erm.."
"what do you need Sly"
"erm I was wondering if you could come to the hospital and fix some of the things in the pediatric wing in the hospital?"
"don't they have people for that?"
"well it's not that the things are broken, just not working to the capabilities that I believe your work can have them running at and therefore providing better care."
"...you also don't like going back alone but being there brings you comfort because of what it meant to you and Megan"
he opened his mouth to deny it but couldn't, she smiled.
"i'm In love with a psychiatrist . I've picked up a few things"
picking up her things she lead them out of the garage calling out a simple
"be back in a bit guys"
when they got to the hospital she saw Sylvester visibly relax, his tension and fears melting away the moment he reached the glass in which behind 15 babies lay peacefully in their cots. A nurse behind the glass looked up and having spotted them beckoned them in, a smile on her face.
"Sylvester! Hi how are you?"
"i'm good Claire, thanks"
she looked to Happy
"and who is this?"
"this is my friend Happy, you remember I told you what it is she can do?"
"yeah! O'my gosh thank you so much, George is great but whatever it is he does, never lasts very long, which is really not what we need when we are so limited in resources. You really think you can fix these?"
she looked at the incubators and medical devices that Claire pointed to, which did look a little daunting, these things weren't really her forte. But for Sly and Megan she'd figure it out.
Half an hour of research and opening one up Happy knew what was required. She looked up from behind the incubator she was currently fixing and saw Sly and Claire in a corner conversing quietly, gazing down into the crook of Sly's elbow. Happy stopped to watch. If she listened carefully she could hear the faint squeak and snuffle of the small baby. She also looked at Sly and Claire's body language. Yeah. There was something there between them even if they were not aware. Being closer to Toby was definitely having an impact on her,she never would have noticed these things before it.
After 2 hours of work all the equipment was fixed and working better than ever. She had worked silently and more peacefully than she ever had previously. She didn't want to stir the babies around her and she even caught herself before the utterance of a few choice words. There was a quiet fuss from the cot closest to her. She looked down into the face of the baby, he quietened. He began cooing, smiling and waving his limbs a bit when he saw Happy watching him. Claire came up behind her a gentle hand on her back.
"would you like a hold? He has been here a while. He was very sick,but he is a fighter and will get to go home soon. Sly has grown rather attached to him, he would come in- we have volunteers who come in and hold them for a while, its a comfort- and have a nap in the corner, with Joseph on his chest. just as he is doing with little Poppy over there, she's not sick, just irresistible."
Happy looked up and sure enough there was Sly dozing with a small baby softly sleeping on his shoulder wrapped in a blanket a protective hand holding her to him.
"I don't do babies, to loud, to messy, to fragile."
"is that why you are unable to look away. Go on, have a hold"
Claire took the steadying deep breath from Happy as conformation and gently lifted the baby from the cot, He gave a quiet wail before he was placed upon a startled Happy's chest. She had expected to hold him like they do in the movies, like Sylvester did earlier- in the crook of her arm but to have to baby so close. To be able to feel each breath he took, to have his arm wrapped around her neck his fist closed around the tendrils of hair that had fallen from her ponytail. He began to fuss a little and without being told Happy instinctively began to bounce softly, rubbing his back and he began to quieten, they stayed another hour and Happy got to feed him and began to panic a little when he got hiccups but was reassured that it was OK and would eventually pass. It was when Paige phoned to ask where they were she realized how late it had gotten and they should probably leave. She was a little sad to be going and didn't really want to put little Joseph down.
Happy dropped Sylvester off home and returned to the garage to pick up Toby.
He jumped into the cab of her truck.
"Hello stranger"
"hey"
"oh someone's smiley, am I gonna get to know why?"
"i just had a really good time with Sly"
"what you get up to? Should I be jealous"
she laughed "no, no need to get jealous. He just introduced me to a couple of his friends"
" "a couple of his friends?" how cryptic, I am definitely jealous"
her grin widened "i think you'd have liked them too"
"if they make you smile this much, I'm sure I would"
they sat in silence the rest of the way to Toby's flat.
They entered the flat quietly, hat,coat and shoes quickly shed
"wanna watch a movie?
"sure"
"So what movie do you want to watch?"
"whatever, you choose"
"but I asked you"
"and i'm saying I don't mind, i'm going to make the casserole anyway"
"do you want any help?"
Happy laughed. "thank you for the offer Doc but I think I can handle it"
he pouted, "but I haven't seen you all day"
she stepped into his arms looking up at him and whispered "we have all night"
lowering his face towards her and arms around her waist, he lowered his tone
"well maybe whilst you are handling dinner, I can handle you.."
their lips were an inch apart when Happy draws back with a "not a chance Doc"
she stepped away from him and sauntered off to the kitchen.
Sighing in defeat and a muttering of "bloody tease" he made his way to the couch as to set up the movie.
they had watched half of Mad Max when Happy jumped up as to retrieve their dinner from the oven.
Happy would have been pointing out the inaccuracies and taking apart the implausibilities of the action. This time she had said nothing and seemed still quite distant.
Happy arrived back with the food and went back for the drinks. He had set them down on the coffee table in front of them, she sat down and was about to pick up her palate.
"wait. I can't do this any more"
Happy blinked a few times.
"i'm sorry, what?"
"I don't want to go a moment longer before we talk. You asked me a question and your response confused me."
"ok..."
"the marriage thing, have you actually thought about it?"
"yes"
"and you are ok with it?"
"yes"
"do you feel ready for it right now?"
"as in right now?"
"no, but like if I asked you next week, you wouldn't freak or shut down?"
"i don't think so...are you going to ask me next week"
"i don't know, maybe, if I knew I wouldn't be telling you anyway"
"good"
"good?"
"yeah"
"you want it to be a surprise"
"yes, i'm not that far from being a normal woman who dreams of being suddenly proposed to by the man she loves"
"...but we are discussing it right now?"
"not really, but you better make it good. it had better not be at a vastly inappropriate time, Like those 'we are going to die, therefore I will tell you how I feel" speeches your so fond of and if it's on your freaking deathbed, i'll kill you"
"i'll keep that in mind"
"ok..."
she began to reach for her food again but she needed to know and span back round to look at him.
"ok so say we were married. What then?"
He was surprised by her question. And very confused by it.
"as in?"
"as in what's the next step for you, what would you want for us?"
"errrrm...to live happily ever after?"
if she was trying to get at what he had a suspicion she was trying to get at, He was not going to be the one to say it and make her feel she was backed into a corner.
With a frustrated mutter of "for goodness sake" she asked the question that scared the crap out of her
"do you want kids?"
she held her breath. Scared he might say yes. Terrified he would say no. or maybe it was the other way about. She really didn't know.
He visibly paled.
"i..er..well...and..it's just.." he took the safest option "do you?"
"yes..maybe. I don't know"
"first answers the honest one"
she gave him the look that told him dangerously "don't shrink me"
"what I mean is..i kinda want it too"
"so you do want kids"
he scooted closer to her and took her hands and looked her in the eyes.
"the prospect terrifies me. But I want it, I can see it. But it's not for me to decide. it's your sacrifice and I respect that so much. I respect your fear, hell I share the same one. i can understand where your dad was coming from in having given you up, I wouldn't want to do this without you- I would, I would have so many more people around to help and support than your dad did. But risking that...? asking you to give up your mind, body, to at times feel like you have lost your identity? for 2 and a half years ? It is not something I will ask of you. it is your choice. I'm under no illusion to the effects of a baby on a woman, nine months of development,delivery, then 3 months at least of pure dependency on you, then another 9 where dependency is still a good 75% on you. I can change, feed, comfort to the best of my ability but at the end of the day the kid won't really be a separate entity from you until it can walk. And that is a lot to ask of anybody. so if kids are in our future great. If not then it doesn't matter so long as I have you"
she looked towards her lap, suddenly conscious as to how true his words were.
"I still don't know how I feel about it. I mean I've been against it for so long because of my mom and my upbringing and that I never thought I'd meet someone who would make me re-evaluate such a thing... but I was in the hospital today and I felt something. I wanted to be on the other side of the glass looking in, I wanted to feel the way those parents did, looking in and being so proud, that they had created this little life that had now become the center of their universe. I think we could do it...but we live a life that is so dangerous and the prospect of the kid losing one of us..and I'm not really made to be a housewife, it's not in my nature."
"Hey, if we decide to do it, we will consider all these things, right now its hypothetical. Let me put a ring on that finger before we start getting ahead of ourselves. And I think you might surprise yourself, its astounding the changes a baby can instill within a person, and I'm not against being a house husband for those first few years till he or she began school and we'd handle it like Paige does. But who knows, I might love being dad so much I walk away and return to practice, the money wouldn't be so good but I'd be there to pick them up at the end of the day."
"You have really thought about this haven't you?"
"No, well a little bit" he said a little sheepishly
she pulled him close and planted a gentle kiss upon his lips
"i'm glad, I had a fear you would run a mile...or want to get right on it"
he gave a throaty chuckle "not when it comes to something as special as a baby" he began planting whisper kisses along her jaw. "a little person that is a part of you, how could I not want as many of you in my life as possible"
"they would share a part of you too you know"
"hmm lets hope your genes are the dominant ones"
"i would disagree, but more than one of you running about might drive me crazy"
he kissed her.
"I love you so much, and maybe we should eat before it gets any colder. your gonna need the energy"
she grinned as she slapped his leg,his ribs deserved a break from her violence.
"Shut it and eat your greens"
