Author's Note: Hi, readers! Bit of a longer break than I originally intended, but after the amazing feedback I wanted to make this chapter the best it could be. I really appreciate your comments. There's one final chapter left, so keep it up! Not sure when it will be up, probably more or less as long as this one was.
Rated T for: Minor language, description of injury, and dark/sensitive themes.
And now, without further ado, please read on and enjoy! :) - Aqua
Part II - Collateral
"Checkmate."
"What?" Kanan raises his eyebrows, squinting at the holographic chessboard. "Well, well. You actually got me! Good move."
Ezra hides his grin behind his hand as he resets the game board, satisfaction rolling off him in waves.
Chopper, parked at the foot of the bed, lets out a rapid string of snippy beeps before his tone drops into a chortle.
Kanan managed to convince one of the medics to bring in a holochess table to sit by Ezra's bed. The boy wasn't handling bed rest well, and was prone to bouts of irritation when frustrated with inactivity. Kanan's lost count of how many games they've played, but he's grateful for the distraction as much as he suspects Ezra is.
He doesn't want to think about what happened. About what he did.
It's been three days since the accident. All of Kanan's time has been spent at Ezra's side. He's done his best to help him cope, staying with him through the intimidating and sometimes painful medical tests he has to go through. The rest of the crew are there as often as they can be; Hera's duties as Phoenix leader take her away more than she'd like, but when she is there her presence is a calming one, of empathy and understanding and no expectations.
Sabine spreads sketchpads and paints and pencils all over Ezra's bed, and teaches him how to draw people and landscapes and ships among the stars (they sketched a still-life of Kanan once, when he accidentally nodded off in his chair. Ezra's rough attempt wasn't very flattering, but he was touched all the same).
Zeb carries on in his loud, brusque manner, telling Ezra tales of his time in the honor guard, and some of their earlier adventures on the Ghost before him, even before Sabine. He doesn't treat Ezra any differently, but when the boy's not looking Kanan can see the sorrow in his luminous eyes.
Chopper, oddly enough, seems to be taking it hard. Kanan used to think the astro-mech didn't have any emotions besides annoyance and a sadistic sense of humor, but he'll be damned if the droid doesn't look downright depressed. Chopper rarely leaves the foot of Ezra's bed, and is uncharacteristically reserved and somber. He keeps vigil over them throughout the night, a silent show of support and solidarity.
They're all trying, in their own special way. It helps, but there are also times Kanan can tell Ezra's overwhelmed with it all and needs space; he gently sends the others out of the room and just sits with him, sending feelings of safety and stability and reassurance through the force until Ezra can breathe again.
Sometimes he cries. Sometimes Kanan holds him until he stops shaking. Sometimes he can feel Ezra's pain through the force; it steals the air from his lungs, and he wishes more than anything that he could take it away.
Moments like these make Kanan more certain than ever; he'd trade places in a heartbeat.
"Looks like the student has become the master." Ezra's voice brings Kanan back, light and teasing.
"I wouldn't say you're a master yet." Kanan makes a show of rolling his eyes, the corners of his mouth pulling up in a small smile. "You got lucky, okay? I want a rematch."
"Alright, but you asked for it," Ezra quips, cracking his knuckles.
There's a distinct whooshing sound, and suddenly Hera's standing in the doorway, expression apologetic.
"Hey, love? You're needed up at the bridge; Ahsoka wants to talk to you."
"Ahsoka?" Kanan frowns. "What about?"
The Togruta had visited Ezra the day before, to see for herself how he was doing and offer her condolences. There was something odd about the whole affair; Kanan hadn't been able to figure her out. It wasn't as if she was deliberately concealing her feelings, but beyond the obvious sympathy she had been very hard to read. The fact that she was calling him away from the med bay must mean whatever she had to say was fairly important.
"Not sure." Hera knits her brows together, her green eyes puzzled. "She said it shouldn't take too long, though. I can keep Ezra company until you get back."
"Huh. Okay, then." Kanan shrugs and rises from his chair. "That alright with you, Ezra?"
"Uh.. yeah, sure." Ezra sounds nonchalant, but Kanan doesn't miss the anxiety that flashes across his face.
"I'll be right back," Kanan promises.
Ezra nods, takes a shaky breath. He hates being separated almost as much as Kanan does. Kanan offers him a reassuring smile before stepping away from the bed, giving Chopper an affectionate pat. He hopes he looks more confident than he feels.
Hera brushes a feather-light kiss against his cheek as he passes her. "Hang in there, dear," she murmurs.
"I will." There's a heavy feeling in the pit of Kanan's stomach, and when he reaches for the force there's nothing but uneasiness.
He's not looking forward to this.
Kanan paces the length of the room, arms crossed over his chest.
The bridge of the command ship is empty except for him, Commander Sato, and Ahsoka, and his footsteps echo. They're watching him warily, debating how to broach the subject of their meeting. Kanan has a feeling he already knows what they're going to say; he doesn't want to hear it, but he can tell he doesn't have a choice.
"Well? Get on with it." Kanan takes the initiative; his patience is short these days.
"Right." Commander Sato clears his throat, uncomfortable. "Ahsoka, I understand you visited with Ezra in the med bay yesterday?"
"I know this already; I was there," Kanan can't stop himself from interrupting. He bites his tongue, takes a deep breath. "Sorry. Please continue."
Commander Sato and Ahsoka exchange a look, and Kanan can sense the unease in the air. There's a pause before the commander nods stiffly, excusing Kanan's outburst, before turning to Ahsoka.
"Did you speak to the medics as well?" he asks.
"Yes."
"And?"
"Well, they had originally hoped he'd regain feeling in his legs once the swelling in his spine went down, but... " Ahsoka bites her lip. "That didn't happen. The test they took yesterday morning confirmed it; his spinal cord has been completely severed."
Commander Sato's expression grows ever more somber. "What do you suggest we do about him, then?"
Ahsoka hesitates, her lekku twitching. "I can't recommend that he continue Jedi training. In fact, I think he should cease all involvement with the rebellion as soon as possible."
"What?" Kanan turns on his heel, whirling to face them. "You can't be serious."
"I am." Ahsoka sounds regretful, but it's not enough. "He isn't in any condition to be-"
"So maybe he doesn't go out in the field for a while," Kanan interrupts. "That's fine. But we don't have to send him away! He can stay on the bench, focus on healing- you know there are ways for him to walk again, there are special prosthesis out there, we have connections-"
"Kanan, just think for a moment." Ahsoka's voice is almost pleading. "Here, he's in constant danger. An attack could come at any moment, and in his condition he can't defend himself, and you won't always be there to protect him."
Kanan flinches. "That's- you don't know that."
"I can't take that chance," Ahsoka says grimly. "It's the best option for him right now."
"This will be good for him," Commander Sato agrees. "He needs to get away from the stress of the rebellion so he can focus on healing. And who knows, with a little time and training, he might be ready to join us again. Why can't you understand that this is the best thing to do?"
"Because I know my padawan, and he's going to think we're dumping him because we think he isn't useful to us anymore!" Kanan's fighting to keep his voice level, his chest tightening uncomfortably. "Being a Jedi is everything to Ezra. You take that away from him-"
"That's not what this is about," Commander Sato says firmly. "This is about Ezra's safety."
"He's not gonna see it that way," Kanan insists again, but it's a pointless plea.
"There's nothing we can do about that." Commander Sato waves his arm dismissively. "I will not have him in danger if I can help it. We'll make the necessary arrangements; shelter, supplies, and the like. We'll stay in touch, keep an eye on you and make sure no trouble comes your way." His expression softens. "I'm sorry, but this is my final decision... you should be the one to tell him."
Kanan forces down his disappointment, chokes down his anger. "Fine."
"I'll get in touch with a prosthesis specialist immediately," Ahsoka adds. "But I'm not making any promises."
"I wouldn't expect you to keep them anyways." Kanan starts for the door, but Ahsoka leans forward and catches him by the arm.
"Kanan..." Her grip is firm, and Kanan forces himself to stop, his shoulders hunching with tension.
"Yes?" He fails to keep the irritation from his voice.
"I'm sorry," Ahsoka tells him, and the pain and sincerity leaking through the force is enough to sober him immediately. "I... know this must be hard for you. Anyone can see how much you care for your padawan. I just wish we could do more."
"No, it's alright." The guilt is back, and Kanan closes his eyes. "This... wasn't your fault, it's not fair of me to take my anger out on you."
"Don't worry about it. And Kanan? One more thing..." There's a bit of hesitancy before Ahsoka continues. "…the Jedi Order was wrong."
"What?" Kanan's head snaps up, and he spins to face her. "What do you mean?"
"It's okay to have attachments. Making connections with people is important... natural, even, as long as you don't let it control you," Ahsoka says, and her expression is too severe to be speaking metaphorically. Experience is the harshest teacher. "And it isn't healthy to stifle your emotions. The Jedi of old did a lot of good, but they did a great deal of harm, too." Her eyes soften. "Make sure Ezra understands."
The Jedi code leaps to his mind instantly.
'There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.'
But none of that was really true, was it? The mantra he learned as a youngling returns to his thoughts, warm and familiar and right.
'Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet the Force.'
To put your faith in the good doesn't mean you can't acknowledge the bad. Denial doesn't bring change or resolution; to conquer evil you have to face it head on, and accept it for what it is. Kanan can feel a subtle shift inside him, and he knows it's for the better.
"I- I will." He bows his head. "Thank you, Ahsoka."
The path ahead of him is going to be difficult. They're all going to be tested in ways Kanan can't anticipate, but he knows it's okay to not have all the answers. Emotions are a natural part of growth, not a weakness that must be snuffed out. The former Jedi ideals just aren't practical in this world, not anymore. And as long as he doesn't let his feelings control him, he has nothing to fear.
'You must not grow too attached, too fond, too in love with life the way it is now.' His master's voice is a whisper in his ear, scarcely there but real enough. 'Those emotions are valuable and should not be suppressed, but you must learn to rule them, padawan, lest they rule you.'
Kanan's going to have to face the reality of his mistake eventually, but for now he needs to be there for Ezra.
Thank you, Master. Force be with me.
Kanan's heart is heavy when he returns to the med bay.
Ezra and Hera are both curled up with datapads, reading in contented silence. The whole room is filled with a calming atmosphere; Hera's presence has a greater effect on Ezra's mood than either of them realize. It makes Kanan even more reluctant to have this conversation, knowing it will destroy Ezra's peace of mind, but there's no getting around it.
"Hey." Ezra glances up from the datapad in his lap. "You're back."
"Yeah." Kanan rubs the back of his neck, avoiding his padawan's eyes.
"So... what was that about?" Ezra's voice is casual, but Kanan feels the spike of anxiety through the force. "What did they want?"
"Just... more talking. Planning, that sort of thing." Kanan locks eyes with Hera, subtly tilting his head towards the door.
She understands immediately. "C'mon, Chopper, we should go recharge your battery," Hera says, rising from her chair. "We'll be back later, Ezra."
The droid begins to protest, but Hera silences him with a stern look. He rattles off a hasty agreement and follows her out of the room, wheels screeching on the tiled floor. The door slides shut behind them, leaving the two alone.
"Everything okay..?" Ezra's picking up on Kanan's emotions; either their connection is growing stronger, or Kanan has a worse poker face than he thought.
"Yeah, just... we need to talk." Kanan tries not to collapse into the chair by Ezra's bed, giving him a weak smile when he thinks he fails.
"Okay..?"
Kanan closes his eyes, inhales slowly, and thinks for a second, trying to figure out the best way to broach the subject. "See, the thing is- you remember when Ahsoka visited you yesterday?" He waits for Ezra to nod. "Well, she's been talking to Commander Sato- that is, they'd been talking about it, and..."
"What are you trying to say?" Ezra presses.
"You can't be a Jedi, Ezra," Kanan says finally.
Ezra stares at him, disbelief and fear flashing in his eyes. "What..? You... you don't mean that."
"I do." Kanan grimaces, pain gripping his heart. "At least, not right now. It's just too dangerous. Ahsoka has recommended you not only stop Jedi training, but all involvement with the rebellion as a whole."
"What?" Betrayal fills Ezra's voice, shooting through the force and sinking into Kanan like claws. "You're- so just like that, you're done with me? You- you're giving up?" His breathing hitches, eyes filling with tears.
"No- no, of course not, Ezra, listen," Kanan pleads. "Just let me explain-"
"You're abandoning me..." All at once Ezra's anger and betrayal turns into panic and fear, and Kanan's own heart rate spikes in response. The accusation in Ezra's eyes hurts, but what hurts even more is the cold realization, like he's always expected it. "You're just like everyone else." He turns his face away, and Kanan can feel the wall coming up between them.
"Ezra, listen to me, I'm not abandoning you," Kanan says quickly. He reaches out to place a hand on Ezra's shoulder, hesitates, and folds him arms instead. "We're coming with you, all of us. We're taking the Ghost, and we're gonna lay low for a while, understand? Nobody's leaving you."
Ezra looks up in shock, his expression doubtful and confused and all too hopeful. "Really?"
"Really," Kanan assures him. "I'm not leaving you. We're going to get through this together."
"Oh." Ezra's voice is small. He swallows, looking chagrined, and glances away. "Kanan, I... I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
"It's fine," Kanan says soothingly. "You didn't know."
Ezra meets his gaze again, eyes shining with tears. "Thank you."
All at once Kanan's composure crumbles without warning, and he's taken aback by how two little words can affect him so much. His throat tightens, eyes stinging. He doesn't deserve the gratitude, and dare he say love, in the boy's eyes, because he's the reason this all happened. His guilt is only overwhelmed by his anger at himself for being so afraid to tell Ezra the truth, so afraid of losing that spark of love in the boy's eyes when he looks at him, that he's proving why he isn't worthy of it in the first place.
Ezra's still looking at him, sapphire eyes filled with expectancy and concern and so much emotion that Kanan does the only thing he can think to and wraps him in a hug, as if that could somehow make up for it all.
Without hesitating, Ezra returns the embrace, and Kanan squeezes his eyes shut, feeling like the lowest being in the universe.
And now he knows the truth; he could live a thousand lives and never be a good enough man to deserve forgiveness.
