I DO NOT OWN SONS OF ANARCHY OR THE CHARACTERS.
Chapter Eighteen:
It took a lot of time for me to come to terms with what had happened to me, during my attack. I'd be lying, if I said that it was easy, because it wasn't… It still isn't. It was one of the hardest things that I've had to go through.
Ask anyone who has ever been through a traumatic ordeal. Making it out of the horrible situation alive is just the beginning. Living through it – learning how to cope with the aftermath – that's the hard part.
Thinking about returning to your life afterwards is easy. Actually doing it and expecting everything to go back to the way it was, is impossible.
I couldn't get comfortable in my skin, no matter how hard I tried. Everything felt foreign to me. I thought that if I could just make it through the attack, that I would be alright. Boy, was I wrong. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm a survivor and I made it through this, like it was some competition. But did I actually make it through?
I don't feel like the same woman I used to, before everything happened. I feel like I lost part of myself and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get it back. My heart is broken. I've always wanted my own family to have my own kids… and now it just isn't possible. Don't get me wrong, I love Abel like he's my own son, but getting pregnant, experiencing giving birth to a child, that's all something I wanted to experience firsthand and now I'll never be able to.
"Hey darlin', feel like some company?" Jax asked me from the doorway to Abel's nursery. I spend most of my time here, with him. I just need to be close to him and know that he's okay. Even though everything is over, I'm paranoid that something will happen to him. I can't let that happen. I wouldn't be able to live with myself, if I did. He's my whole world.
"Sure," I replied, quietly.
"Kate look at me." He commanded, softly. I peered up at him, as he crouched down next to me. "I know that you blame yourself for what happened, but you shouldn't. No one blames you for what happen. We already have a son. I don't love you any less, because we can't have another. If you want to have a bigger family, we can adopt or find a surrogate. I love you. I swear to you that I'll never want anyone else. You're future, you and Abel. As long as I have that, I'm okay." He promised me. Tears leaked down my face and his arms went around me. I felt myself sink against him. I don't know how he knew exactly what I needed to hear, but somehow he did.
