Panic (Part 1)
Ezra had always had them… He couldn't quite remember his first one, only the feeling of absolute panic that had torn through him, he had been so sure he was going to die… Panic attacks, that was what he came to know them to be; and boy were they tons of fun.
At first Ezra had assumed these moments of complete breathlessness were brought on by a very scary event, something that he guessed had shocked the breath out of him. But as he grew older he came to see that sometimes it was just nothing, well nothing that he picked up on before he was suddenly struggling for air again. It had confused him to no end at first, not to mention completely scared the crap out of him but hey that was life wasn't it? And Ezra was a survivor, he pulled through starvation just like he pulled through each and every panic; no matter if he was sitting there for ten minutes or two hours.
He couldn't predict when they would happen, if he was lucky a constricting in his chest would first warn him to the signs of one but that wasn't always the case. Maybe this was something everyone suffered from? He thought to himself one day, if so then surely there would be some sort of cure he could find and maybe borrow for a little? These thoughts of hope were soon perished though when just stealing food was a challenge, especially with the damn empire, so survival became his top priority. A kid's gotta eat right? You'd think it would be the same for breathing but he could normally breathe, he was good at it most of the time…
It had been a while, in fact Ezra reckoned he hadn't actually had a panic attack since joining the ghost crew… Okay there might have been that stupid one when he had spent his first night on board but that was just nerves and paranoia getting to him, this? Well he couldn't really explain this one.
"Training Kid- come on!" Kanan called out as he knocked on Ezra's door.
"I'll be right there." The sounds of Ezra struggling into his jumpsuit were made clear before the doors swished open and Ezra rushed out. "Well? Come on then master!" He jeered racing down the hall.
Kanan rolled his eyes fondly, what had they done before this kid?
An hour later and Ezra's heart was pounding like crazy, their lightsabre's were drawn and Kanan moved back into a defensive position.
"That was better, you were cleaner with your downward strike but then you let your footing widen, giving me an entrance." Kanan explained, Ezra nodded listening carefully and going back over his movements. It was always great to see Ezra so into his training, he listened and improved so quickly. Kanan was sure had there still been a Jedi order Ezra would work his way up the ranks quicker than most.
"Take a quick break." Kanan instructed, shutting down his sabre and reaching for some water.
Ezra relaxed, took a steadying breath and wiped the sweat from his forehead… That's when he felt it, the tightness around the chest. No, he was sure, it was probably just from the training right? After all he had been moving pretty fast. Yeah, yeah that was it he just needed to relax and get his breath back. But then more he thought about it, the more it dawned on him that this tightness had been with him since he'd woken up, how had it followed him for so long? No. No do not panic. It's fine, you're fine. Just breathe.
Thoughts became irrational in Ezra's head, his brain logically advising him but his body just didn't seem to be co-operating…
As Kanan turned back round he looked over towards his padawan, still standing but with his lightsabre held in some sort of death grip in his hands. His eyes were far away yet darting around at the same time, this didn't look good. Maybe he'd pushed Ezra too far?
"Ezra?" He called with no response "I was thinking maybe we'll end training there today…" Kanan waited still for a reply…
"Um…What?" Ezra replied somewhat shakily. It was now that Kanan picked up on the young ones breathing pattern, short shallow breaths were being drawn in at a rapid pace. The kid needed to calm down!
"Ezra, you ok?" He tried, his apprentice mumbled something about fine and just going to sit down real quick before then almost collapsing. Without hesitation Kanan marched over to Ezra and knelt down in front of the boy. He really didn't look good, eyes squeezed shut, mouth releasing quick panicked breaths, his whole body tense and pulled in.
"Kid! Ezra?! It's alright… Just calm down…" Kanan really didn't know what to do
"N-no Kanan… C-c-can't b-breathe." Ezra exclaimed, eyes widening as he felt a tear run down his face.
Stupid! Kanan yelled to himself, how had he not seen this? A panic attack, Ezra was having a panic attack… Okay, his master had helped him out of one before, he'd seen them handled before... But what did she do? What did she do?! Acting on instinct Kanan gripped Ezra's shoulder's in his hand, getting the boy to look up to him.
"Copy me." He instructed and started by taking in a deep breath, then releasing.
"I-I can't!" Ezra cried, Kanan felt his panic increasing through the force.
"Try again" He repeated his earlier actions but this time also connected with Ezra through the force, sending calming waves directly into his panic. "We're gonna keep breathing together ok? In, that's it and out… Keep following me Ezra, In and out- brilliant and again…"
They went on like this for another half an hour until Ezra finally slumped in an exhausted heap, he shakily wiped the tears from his face. Every part of him was shaking, he was left feeling drained. He didn't realise he was wrapped in Kanan's arms until he tried to mumbled out an apology, only to be met with soft fabric.
"Ezra, it's ok really- you don't have to keep apologising." Kana sighed softly… Wait he had already apologised more than once? He couldn't even remember doing it, only the sheer panic that had suddenly seemed to hit him and the breath that had- No. He stopped himself, panic spiking momentarily he was not going to do that again, especially not in front of Kanan. Warm hands rubbed down his back and finally Kanan felt Ezra relax into his arms, he couldn't remember how long he had been holding his apprentice but it had taken a while before he felt Ezra completely let go as he was now. Confident that he had the boy back he relaxed too- glad that it was over but now too many questions came to the fore front of his mind, he shifted out of the hug and held Ezra out in front of him.
"I'm sorry Kanan." The boy said again, looking down guiltily.
"Ezra! Don't do that, you have nothing to be sorry for… You know what that was right?" Kanan asked, annoyed at the boy's constant apologies but wanting to get to the bottom of things.
"A panic attack? I think." Ezra shuddered
"Yes…and a pretty bad one too. Have you- have you had one before?" Kanan asked, concern in his tone.
"Yeah… yeah, I used to get them. But they've been better, I haven't really had one since my first day here." Ezra explained "I don't understand, why now?"
"So you don't remember anything that specifically triggered it?" Kanan queried
"No, I've no idea- training was fine Kanan… " Ezra assured, feeling the waves of guilt coming from Kanan "So stop blaming yourself."
Kanan smiled in surprise, Ezra was definitely getting stronger, then again Kanan hadn't been particularly focused on keeping his mental shields up. He was more concerned right now on his apprentice who was still shaking a little, the kid had had experience with these panic attacks then?- but if he hadn't been having them recently then that means he must've had them back on Lothal, where he had been all alone… Oh. How much was there that he didn't yet know about his apprentice?
"Alright Ezra, but only if you stop apologising, deal?"
"Deal." Ezra agreed, finally smiling a little bit.
"You know we're going to have to talk about this right?" Kanan advised softly, to which Ezra nodded. Yet Kanan made no move to ask any questions, he really didn't feel up to it right now, Ezra had scared him enough today and he was certain Ezra would appreciate having a break to recover before delving back into it again.
"Later." Kanan smiled, standing and pulling Ezra to his feet. A hand on his padawan's shoulder as they walked from the room.
Author's note: Thanks to everyone for the reviews :) Really appreciated.
