Panic (Part 2)

A week on from then and Ezra had managed to explain to Kanan what he could recall about his previous panic attacks, when he remembered first having them and how they had become more and more unpredictable the older he got. Kanan let his apprentice speak, commenting only to encourage him to keep going. Once Ezra had said all that he felt was necessary Kanan talked him through some breathing exercises he had looked up in the med bay, if Ezra ever needed them. He also shared with Ezra some of his experiences, trying to show the boy that he wasn't weak or wrong for suffering from these the way he did, it seemed to work for Ezra smiled. He made it clear that Ezra should come to him for anything… Not wanting to be scared like that again.

A month on from that found them in a compromised mission, the lights flickering, sirens blaring as they ran for cover. Of course the empire had known they were coming, when didn't they these days? Ezra ducked, every shot coming closer and closer, every instinct Ezra had screaming at him to go faster! Get your family and run! But they were doing all they could, and it looked like it was just going to be enough. That was before the last automatic door suddenly slammed shut in front of them.

"No!" Zeb cried angrily, slamming his fists on the door.

"Ezra!" Kanan cried "Get that door open now." Before the Jedi turned back around and ignited his sabre, ready to deflect the oncoming storm. With shaking fingers, Ezra slid down to the door hatch, ripping the covering off and taking a steadying breath before plunging his hands into the complex wiring; things like this needed care but he was past that. Shocks flowed into his fingers but he barley felt them. He could only hear Kanan, Zeb, Sabine fighting for their lives, holding back the troopers. He had to get them through; he would not seem them lost. Not like his parents. With one final connection the door flew open. Movements became instant and Ezra felt his arm hauled up by Kanan before he was running again.

The Ghost…More blaster shots… The ramp… Close the door…Explosions...Was everyone here? Yes, good. The ship bumped and swayed, taking off into the sky. They were exhausted, but alive. And as grateful as Ezra was for that miracle he realised he couldn't stay, couldn't stay to make sure everyone was ok. He had to get out, the space becoming too small, too many people. He slid away out of the hanger, away from his family, into his room. Can't breathe, can't breathe. Fingers scrambled at his helmet, yanking it off and throwing it across the room before he slid down onto the floor. He grasped at his scalp, trying to just make his lungs co-operate, come on it's just breathing- just breathe. Remember what Kanan said, in for two out for two. Come on, come on. It's fine, your fine, they're fine. He repeated and repeated the same mantra over and over wishing it to do some good. Tears flowed from his eyes, sobs coming from nowhere and pulling him back down. Nothing. Nothing was working, he couldn't breathe! He was going to, going to-Hands were suddenly pulling at his arms, taking them away from his face and holding them gently, a soft but commanding tone flooded his ears… Then there was the force, so much of it, he hadn't realised how much he had blocked himself off from it until he felt a tidal of calming waves wash over him… Kanan? Words suddenly became clear.

"-ra? In again, hold it… come on, you need to breathe Ezra… Keep going…"

"Kanan" Ezra whimpered, feeling the warm hands squeeze his gently.

"Right here Padawan and you are doing fine ok?" Ezra only nodded, hands cupped his face, wiping away his tears.

"Everyone ok?" He managed to get out between breaths and tears.

"They're all ok kid, no injuries and all on board." Kanan clarified, feeling the relief come back through the force from Ezra. He was on the verge of panicking himself! The franticness of Ezra's mind had been like a hurricane, Kanan hadn't known where to start… In fact the Kid hadn't even been responsive at first. Kanan had been patting Zeb on the back when he felt the immense fear over power him, he had glanced around sharply looking for his padawan but he was gone. Kanan had raced down the halls of the Ghost, knowing what was happening and kicking himself for not seeing the signs earlier, he quickly looked in the common room before stopping outside the closed door of Ezra and Zeb's room… Then there had been Ezra, curled up as small and as tight as possible on the floor, breathing heavily, wildly. He shook as tears flowed freely. Kanan had never seen Ezra like this. And he didn't like it.

Ezra seemed to be coming back into himself now though, the calming waves had clearly helped and Ezra sat up more, scrubbing at his face. His eyes blotchy, his small form still shaking like a leaf. He sat with his knees drawn up to his chest, Kanan still in front of him… How long had they been there Ezra wondered?

"About an hour" Kanan answered… Oh… Ezra cringed had he said that out loud?

"Feeling a bit better padawan?" Kanan asked

"Yeah, yeah… thank you." Ezra blushed, still breathing in and out deeply "Sorry, I didn't mean for it to get so out of hand…"

"Hey I thought we had a deal? We were stopping with the apologising remember?" Kanan chimed, to which Ezra managed a small smirk.

"All the same, I-I don't know what I would've done without your help." Ezra admitted, trying to make Kanan see just how much he appreciated him being there. Whether Kanan understood what he was trying to say or felt his fierce gratitude through the force Ezra would never be sure but he was immediately wrapped up in an embrace, one that spoke volumes of care. Ezra hugged back just as tightly. The physical form of his master grounding him, keeping his strong.

"Do you know why it happened?" Kanan hesitantly asked the question

"I- I, the um the mission I think got to me… It was when that door shut, we were so close and then the door just closed, I couldn't open it, it wouldn't open. I couldn't risk you, you or Zeb or Sabine and If I hadn't been able to then-"

"Okay Ezra, you're doing fine- just keep it steady." Kanan cut him off, halting the panic that had begun to grow without even Ezra realising it.

With a deep breath Ezra continued "I didn't want to lose you like I had with m-my parents… It sounds so stupid now, but in that moment it was like nothing I've ever felt before. Every sense was so bright Kanan…"

"It's not stupid Ezra, you did get us through ok? … I can only think that the adrenaline must've had a big part in making your senses on high alert. But I have to admit that was one of the closest calls we have ever had, it's natural that you would feel shaken after something like that." Kanan comforted "Everyone made it back in one piece, and although it was too close for my liking we still did it… Try to focus on that if you can, wondering about the other possible outcomes is a way to get yourself lost in the past, we can often loose ourselves in 'what if's' when we should just let it go and be grateful for what we still have" Kanan explained, remembering this being a key part of his meditation back in the Jedi temple. "I want you to be proud, there was a lot of pressure on you in that moment and you came through for all of us"

Ezra sat there, slumped and speechless as Kanan went through all of this, he didn't think he deserved such praise but he could sense no lie in Kanan's speech. Only passion, care, some lingering fear and then concern. Kanan's words really did help though, Ezra felt as though a weight had been lifted from his chest and he was breathing now with little to no difficulties.

"Thank you Kanan." Ezra smiled , taking a moment to just breathe, feeling his masters comforting presence next to him. "Those were actually some pretty wise words master!"

"I have my moments…I'm just glad to see you feeling a little better" Kanan said, giving Ezra's hair a tousle "Now come on, let's get something to eat you must be hungry?" Kanan pulled Ezra to his feet.

"Starving actually" Ezra laughed, walking with his master down to the common room, feeling better than he had in a long time.