As the cab pulled up to the burb of the hotel Steve got out and held the door open for me being even more gentlemanly than usual uh oh. I got out of the car and linked my arm through his as we walked into the hotel and directly to the lift we kept up fairly happy faces until the lift doors closed and we parted immediately. It was deathly silent and when I snuck a look up at Steve I could see he was looking straight ahead, his face expressing nothing and it hurt to see him like that and knowing that I had caused it and I hated myself for it. Hating myself was nothing new but I hadn't felt this bad in a long time. The first time I had tortured and killed someone I had been plagued by horrible nightmares for weeks and despised myself even though I had been trained for it, I still got those nightmares sometimes however this pain and self-loathing was new. It was personal, I had done those terrible things to those people on orders, I had done this all on my own and it hated it but I didn't have time to get deeper because the doors opened and we were back to being a couple. Steve opened the door and we both entered before he shut the door behind us. I walked in and took off my heels, I had been through weeks of torture at a time at the hands of sadistic psychopathic killers but stilettos still killed my feet, they were something I had never gotten used to. We went through our routine of getting ready for bed in silence except for me asking for Steve to unzip me which to his credit he did without protesting but I could feel his eyes linger on my back and I winced. We got into bed and even though I had my head on his chest and his arm was around me everything was different. His skin wasn't quite as warm and his arm wasn't tight around me like it was before. And god I missed it. At some point we fell asleep and I had one of the worst nightmares of my life, I was back in the Helicarrier being chased but this time instead of it being the Hulk after me all I heard was Loki's menacing laugh and then the grating beneath my feet gave way and the scene changed and I had to watch each of the Avengers, each of my friends being killed by their enemies, that I was used to however this time it was Steve that was last instead of Barton and his was the most horrible. We were fighting together and then all of a sudden Steve yelled my name and he was hit by one of the flying bullets that was going to hit me and I was on my knees next to him and was crying trying to stop the bleeding whispering, "No, no, no Steve, no" over and over again and all he was saying we whispering my name over and over again and then all of a sudden I was meters away and couldn't move and I saw Red Skull himself walk up to him and Steve turned his head to me still saying my name before Red Skull lifted him up in the air by the scruff of his uniform with one hand and said gleefully, "Your precious Natasha isn't here, there is no one here to save you, you are all alone," before what seemed to be a smile spread across his vile features and he thrust his whole hand through Steve's chest and my hands flew to my mouth and I let out a bloodcurdling scream and then Red Skull himself turned and looked at me with a devilish grin on his face and then he dropped Steve and moved towards me before I was swallowed up by darkness and someone was shaking me awake.
"Nat, Nat wake up, your safe it's ok," said Steve and when I opened my eyes and when I saw him I just broke down and started crying and he was holding me. He held me for what seemed like hours until I was silent with my head back on his chest drawing patterns absent-mindedly on his stomach but then remembered the cab ride and stopped. I thought about the cab ride and my nightmare and realised that I had let Steve see me in my weakest state, I had never let anyone see me like that and despite what I had done to him he held me and assured me I was safe and for once i believed him. I couldn't do this anymore.I propped myself up on my elbow and kissed him and got nothing back, he went along with kiss but there was nothing, it was like I could feel his pain and it killed me. I broke off the kiss and pulled back to look at him, his brow was furrowed and when he opened his eyes I really saw his age for the first time. His eyes were old with pain and when he looked up at me searching my eyes I knew he was looking for something I had taken out of his reach; myself. And then I knew that even if he could do this I couldn't,
"Forget it Steve, forget what I said, I can't do this," I finally said and got up out of the bed and put my hand to my hand to my head and paced. I looked back at the bed and Steve was still lying there in shock before he jumped up and looked at me, "Forget what I said in the cab, I can't not be with you completely," and ran and jumped, wrapping my legs around him and he caught me and we were kissing and he was warm again and his arms were tight around me but then luckily one of us remembered our cover,
"What do you mean Nat?" he asked breathing heavily looking at me his eyes warm and inviting once more,
"I mean," I said smiling and taking large gulps of air, "Forget the big ceremony forget all of that, you don't want it and neither do I," I said and leaned my forehead against him closing my eyes, "Let's just elope," I said giving him two, three, four quick kisses. He tried to say something back but before he had the chance I was kissing him again and he turned, still holding on to me and lowered us onto the bed but before we got further I rolled us over and straddled him and brought him up so he was sitting and we were eye level,
"I have never felt this way about anyone before Steve, you have no idea the affect you have on me." I said running my hand through his hair and looking into his bright blue eyes and then he put his hand around my neck and gave me the most ender kiss I have ever gotten and pulled back to look in my eyes and smiles spread across both of our faces before he kissed me again and I pushed him back onto the bed.
