I do not own Greys Anatomy just borrowing!
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I'll post soon after this don't worry.
Enjoy this chapter. Don't hate me :)
Do you know why I resent you?
I did this for you. I gave up everything for you.
No. I'm done.
Meredith jumped out of her sleep from the nightmare of her last fight with Derek before he walked out on her and the kids to go to DC. She remembered feeling so hurt that Derek considered the brain mapping initiative "everything." Wasn't she everything? Weren't their kids everything? Wasn't their life together everything? She remembered trying to get Derek to listen to her but then telling him to go after he had been so spiteful. She also remembered throwing their post it vows in the trash and shattering the glass frame that held the post it. The glass, she thought, symbolized her shattered marriage.
Meredith rubbed the bad thoughts from her temples and peered at the clock. It was 5:30 PM already, how did she manage to stay asleep for so long? She felt Derek leave the bed as she drifted to sleep earlier but she didn't think she had slept for nearly four hours. She heard Derek and Zola's faint voices as she pulled herself out of bed and slipped some clothes on. She shuffled down the hallway to the kitchen to find her husband and daughter cooking dinner.
"Oh, she's awake! Hello, sleepyhead." Derek moved over to Meredith, kissing her forehead. Meredith grumbled quietly, still feeling tired and a little bit upset about her dream.
"Sweepyhead, sweepyhead!" Bailey came running from the living room with a toy truck in hand and jumped right into Meredith's arms.
Meredith picked Bailey up, giving him a kiss while Zola hugged onto her leg. "Oh, hello Mama's babies. Mama missed you guys this morning. I hope you weren't too much trouble for daddy."
"No mommy, we were perfect angels!" Zola insisted. Meredith looked questioningly at Derek, silently asking if they were behaved. He only responded with a smile and a nod.
"Oh, good! What are you guys making for dinner?" Meredith asked as she set Bailey back down on the floor so he could return to the living room to play. Zola returned to her step stool beside Derek.
"We're making meatloaf, mashed potatoes, spinach, and a salad. Chef Zola made the mashed potatoes all by herself." Derek beamed. What he really meant was that Zola poured in the ingredients and held Derek's hand as he stirred.
"You're making two vegetables? Ugh." Meredith made a disgusted face at her husband.
"Veggies are good, Mama! They make us grow really tall so we can ride roller coasters, Daddy said! And if we eat enough veggies, we'll live till we're 110!" Zola informed her.
I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms.
I want a lifetime.
All Meredith could do was roll her eyes and walk to the living room to plop down on the couch, visibly annoyed.
"Bailey, Zozo, go wash up for dinner please. Zola, help your brother." Derek demanded. Once the kids had left the room, he turned his attention to Meredith.
"What was that all about? You rolled your eyes and took an attitude with our daughter?" Derek spit nastily at her.
"No, I rolled my eyes at you. Seriously Derek, enough with the 110 thing already. I'm sick of hearing about it. Don't make plans you don't intend to follow up on."
"What is your problem right now? What is making you so hateful? We were fine until you woke up." Derek questioned her. His eyebrows knit together with confusion and hurt. Meredith's bitter response stabbed him in the gut. He knew she was talking about the time he told her he wanted to spend a lifetime with her.
"Yeah well when I woke up, I woke up from this little lie we've been telling. We're not these happy people, Derek."
"What are you talking about?"
"Nothing, I have to go to work and check on a patient. Don't wait up for me." Meredith quickly left the room, stopping only to give her kids a kiss goodnight and grab her coat and keys, before swiftly leaving the house. Derek had tried to call after her but it was no use, she was gone.
Meredith was half way to the hospital and had already ignored at least half a dozen calls from Derek. She felt like she couldn't breathe in the dream house for some reason. She felt like the walls were caving in and all she could see was Derek walking away from her, following Addison. Then kissing Rose in the scrub room. Then walking away from her after the incident with the Alzheimer's trial. Then walking away from her to leave for DC. Then kissing Renee in a lab in DC. Finally, images of a truck hitting Derek flooded her thoughts. It got harder and harder to breathe and Meredith couldn't figure out why all of these thoughts and feelings were resurfacing. She tried to make sense of everything, only bringing to light more bad memories of past fights.
You were supposed to be stepping back. You said "take this year and make it count and I'll make sure you can do it" and you lied.
Sorry I lied. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. You're being selfish.
Well I have to be, Derek, because you believe your career is more important than mine.
At this moment in time, it is.
No, not at this moment, always. You'll always be that hotshot surgeon and I'll always be that young intern that fell in love with you.
That's how you see yourself, that's your problem. I can't do anything about that.
Meredith felt a sob rise in her chest. When she was fighting with Derek, she was too angry to really feel any hurt. She was mostly just mad and wanted to have the last word. Now thinking back to all of their fights, she felt such sadness. Derek had never denied that she was still just the young intern that fell in love with him; he had simply just assigned the thought to her head. He never validated her worth or her career. And although she didn't need him to, she still wanted him to.
You're asking me to choose between this job and my family.
Meredith was asking him to do just that, figuring he couldn't possibly choose the job over her and the kids. But again, Derek only looked out for himself and chose the job. The sob traveled even farther, coming to a place in her throat. Why didn't he pick her? Didn't he learn that she's the better option? What about their kids? Was a fancy research project really worth more to him than his family?
"Grey?" A voice interrupted the questions in her head. "What are doing here, I thought you were off tonight."
Meredith turned around to face Miranda Bailey. She wasn't sure how to answer her without her knowing she was lying. Her silence was enough of an answer for Bailey as she shook her head and slightly smiled.
"Marriage troubles, I hear ya. You want in on a surgery? An appendectomy just came into the pit. You can pick a new intern and see if they're worthy of a job."
"Um, yes of course." Meredith replied, as if she would ever turn down torturing the newbies.
"Great. You can use OR 2, page whomever you would like."
Meredith felt fresh blood rush through her veins. She always had this feeling before surgery, like she was a new person and adrenaline wouldn't ever stop pumping. Meredith had got a good look at the new interns that started shortly after Derek's accident. There was Marsh, geeky and confident but not arrogant; Anderson, good looking but acts as if he doesn't know he's good looking; Matthews, she was driven and cocky; and Riley, she was smart and down to earth, definitely the making of a great doctor. So Meredith of course went with Anderson since she was mad at her husband and could use some good eye candy during an easy surgery.
A short while after the fresh-faced intern in light blue scrubs raced up the Meredith. "Hi Dr. Grey. You paged?"
"Hi, yes Dr. Anderson. I'm doing an api, you want to scrub in?"
"Yeah, I'd love to."
"Okay great, get going then. The patient is in room 2100, get him prepped and in OR 2 in twenty minutes please." Meredith couldn't help the tiny bit of flirtyness in her voice. She felt a little drawn to Anderson's good looks. He looked a bit like Mark did when she first met him and whether she admitted it or not, she always had a bit of an attraction to Mark.
Meredith's little flirtation lasted all throughout the surgery. She let Dr. Anderson do most of the surgery while she walked him through it, stopping to tease him or compliment him when necessary. After scrubbing out Meredith turned to him with a smile. "Did they teach you how to tell a family good news in whatever state medical school you went to?" She joked.
"Oh, you mean Dartmouth? Yeah, I learned something like that." Dr. Anderson took her jokes lightly and teased her back.
"Hmm, I didn't know you went to Dartmouth. I went there, too. Barely. I struggled through it since I basically had a permanent hangover from my time off in Europe. Anyways, go inform the family the patient is going to be okay. Make me look good." Meredith winked, actually winked at Anderson.
"You don't need anyone to make you look good, Dr. Grey, you do that all on your own." Dr. Anderson said with a small voice and turned on his heel to go find the family.
Meredith thought hard about what he said as she walked down the hall towards an on call room. He was right. Meredith was good. When Derek was in DC she was on fire. She wasn't losing patients, she was a great mom, and she was able to balance all the important things in her life. And then Derek cheated.
Meredith's head was spinning with bad memories. Any bad Derek memory she could possibly remember fluttered to her head.
You must be the woman whose been screwing my husband.
Addison.
You really get around. It's unforgiveable.
This thing with us is finished. It's over. It's done.
I don't know if I can keep trying to breathe for you.
What if I find someone else?
Rose.
That's what you and I do together. We kill things. Over and over and over again.
We're done. I don't want to work with you, I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you. We're done.
You screwed me. You screwed this hospital. You screwed yourself.
I don't know how to raise a child with someone who doesn't understand that there's a right and a wrong in the world.
So now I'm going to be a bad mother, that's where you're going with this.
You've been saying it for weeks. Maybe you're right.
I have no reason to trust you.
You sound just like your mother.
You wanted to hurt me and you did that. You could do worse than compare me to a brilliant surgeon. But you meant it in the sense that I'm cold, and ambitious, and selfish, a horrible wife and mother.
I came home because we're in trouble. I came home to work on this, on us.
I thought DC was everything and I was wrong.
You… You. You're everything.
I love you. And I'm not gonna stop loving you.
Meredith, I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you. And I'm gonna do everything in my power to prove it.
I can live without you. But I don't want to. I don't ever want to.
The sobs Meredith was holding back before finally released. Tears streamed uncontrollably down here face and she couldn't breathe. Anderson was right; Meredith was good on her own. She didn't need anyone else to make her look good or even feel good but it was sure nice to have someone. Derek was her someone. She could live without him, but she really didn't want to. She just didn't know how to live with him with all the water under the thing or whatever.
Meredith was suddenly feeling exhausted from the day and nausea quickly overcame her. She sprinted to the bathroom and proceeded to throw up. Delicate hands entered Meredith's hair, massaging her scalp and pulling back any loose strands into a ponytail.
"You're okay, Mer. Big breaths. Get it all out, you're okay." The voice took Meredith by surprise and she felt relief course throughout her body.
"Lexie." Meredith cried. "My marriage sucks."
"No, Mer, your marriage doesn't suck. Derek loves you so much. Don't say that, you guys are going to work it out. I know for sure everything is going to be okay." Lexie soothed her, rubbing her back. Meredith felt so tired she couldn't imagine moving back into the room to lay in a bed. She shifted on the floor laying down so that her head was in Lexie's lap. She clutched tightly onto Lexie's scrub pant leg and breathed deeply. She closed her eyes and tried so hard to forget about the day.
"I miss you, Lex." Meredith had tried so hard not to make Lexie feel bad about leaving to go to New York, she knew it was what was best for her but she had felt so empty without Lexie and Cristina in her life. Lexie only sighed in response and continued to rub her back until Meredith fell asleep.
Okay so don't kill me! I was rewatching Greys & was amazed at how mean Derek was to Meredith before he left for DC. I think the show should have hashed out some of their problems more rather than just saying "hey I don't want to live without you, take me back." I PROMISE a happy ending is in sight (after a couple bumps, of course!)
Reviews are love :)
