A/N: Heyy, so this chapter is quite mean of me but you should know by now I'm evil 3:) You get to see Simon's perspective of things for this chapter and probably the next few ones as well until... you know (think what you will of that :P )

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Chapter 19: I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested

Simon's POV

Jace and Will had just left the room as if they couldn't wait to be out of here faster, while Simon disapproved with that he knew it was hard on them as much as it was him. He guessed that they just handled it differently than he did; they had girlfriends to comfort and be comforted by and the girl who Simon wanted to do that with was the one who was in a coma, lying still before him.

When he first walked in to the room all he wanted was for her to wake up and for him to be the first thing she sees. Simon knew that was selfish but he didn't care; Simon had always been the friend: with Clary, with Cris and in some ways with Isabelle. They had all only thought of him as a friend when Simon had felt more and he was sick of it.

All he could do was just watch Cris like this, he wanted to help, he wanted to do something but he couldn't; there was nothing to do that would help Cris. "It must be pretty hard on them," Katniss says softly, "You know Cris, the Herondale boys aren't taking this too well, especially Will," she continued.

"It's not like we want you to feel guilty but you leaving us behind is hard on all of us, we just want you back Cris. And I know everything is not exactly normal at the moment and when you get back it might get worse but we want to fight this battle with you, even you can't do it on your own," Katniss said tears pooling in her eyes. Izzy seems to see this as well and pulls Katniss into a hug. "Cris you're stronger than the rest of us, you can fight it, we all want you to come back to us," Simon says in a small voice.

Then as if irony himself smacks them in the face, two doctor's voices drift through the wall:

"There is a high possibility she may never wake up, Doctor, you have to except this" one of the nurses says. Simon groans at this, don't they know we can hear them, which possibly means Cris can too. What are they idiots?

"She has to and I don't think I could accept it if she died, she's my bloody patient Camille, I have known her for a long time, she can't die. I won't let her!" Doctor Bane says, yes Magnus is Cris' doctor, for this situation anyway.

Camille sighed then and said "She fell over 6 metres, Bane. That would be bad even if she wasn't attacked only this morning and left with serious concussion and a broken leg, which has no doubt made this situation ten times worse! She's strong everyone knows that but this may be something even she can't survive,"

Simon fights the urge to face palm and tears flow down both Katniss and Izzy's face freely now. Simon was just about to go outside and tell the doctors to shut up when the constant beating of the heart monitor increases rapidly. She heard she must have! Crap, no this can't be happening Simon reassures himself as the rapid beating of the monitor becomes faster. "NO" Simon almost screams as Doctor Magnus and Camille run into the room with another doctor and three other nurses. They usher them out of the hectic room. Simon stays put but then two other doctors have to pull him out of the room.

Doctors are hurling orders around the room and the last thing Simon hears before the door shuts in his face is Cris' heart monitor flat line. Numbness rushes through him, no she can't die, she can't! His subconscious shouted, he didn't know what was happening; everyone in the room stilled, as if frozen in time. Then all of a sudden a surge of energy hit the room and everyone in the room stared moving quicker than before and more frantic.

Simon felt like the floor was collapsing beneath him and he collapsed against the wall. His breath quickened and his pulse raced. Cris can't die, she won't die, she needs to live… for me, at least. The door was now shut and he could only hear the frantic rush of orders being shouted through the door. He didn't care anymore, how could she be so cruelly ripped away from him? What had she done to deserve such an early demise?

Simon felt the cold tile beneath him and that made him feel a little more stable as the rest of the world spun. She promised, Cris PROMISED that she wasn't going to die before him. SHE PROMISED!

"Simon, Simon," a worried voice called in the distance, it seemed very close and far away all at the same time. His vision blurred: all the colours merged together making it impossible to identify one object from another.

"Simon, what happened?" the voice rang again but this time he could place the voice: Izzy. Simon barely noticed that he had been mumbling but this apparently became clear when Katniss worriedly says "Si, stop mumbling we can't hear what you're saying,"

In that moment all the felt was pain: his heart felt as if it was ripping apart into shreds and the rest of his body was completely numb. He felt like he couldn't move even if he wanted to and he didn't he just wanted to stay right here because it was the closest he could get to Cris in that moment. He didn't want the separation; he wanted to hold her against him, feel her beating heart next to his and her chest falling up and down with soft breaths.

She can't be dead, she can't just die! I don't want her to die; I want her to be alive and with me, whether we date or not, I just want to be there for her when she needs me and if I can only ever be her friend then fine because I cannot live in a world where she isn't present daily.

Simon thought as his head spun and the rest of the room seemed to spin faster; the colours, that were already blurred, spun and created a whirlpool of lights and odd looking objects. Then as all of the colours mixed in with each other, they all turned into a brown which darkened in to a black mess. That was all he could see now, it consumed his vision and, for that fact, all his other senses. He couldn't see, hear or breathe; he was pretty sure he was hyperventilating.

"Is he having a panic attack?" Katniss' voice drifted through the barrier between himself and reality. He tried to grasp on to her voice to stop him slipping further and further away. Simon felt his eye lids droop as he no longer felt like he could hold on. "Simon! Simon, stay with us," Izzy almost shouts, this brought Simon closer to the invisible barrier but he still couldn't manage to break it. His eyes began to close again when he felt a sharp, hard pain flash across the side of his face.

Simon's eyes flew open; his senses seemed to restore themselves as his cheek burned. His heart and breathing rate were still working well above their normal rate but they had decreased slightly. "Katniss, you slapped me?!" Simon questioned disbelievingly and Izzy smiles at this and quite happily answers "Nope, I did, although I'm grateful that you think I slap so well" Katniss smiles at this, along with Izzy they look like Cheshire cats, but that quickly falls from their faces when they see Simon's mournful expression.

"Simon," Katniss starts with a worried and calm voice, it was like she was talking to a wild wolf instead of Simon. "What happened, you only left a minute after us?" Simon couldn't bear to tell them because he would surely break down again. He scrambled to his feet and tried to get a glimpse of Cris but through the window of the door he couldn't see Cris. He needed her right now; he just needed the comfort of her presence, to smell her heavenly scent, to feel her beating heart.

You can't, she's dead, you'll never be able to tell her the way you really feel, you won't ever be able to even see her again a voice in the back of his head snarled. He grabbed his hair and shook his head; trying to make the voice reside but to his pain it continued, you should have told her before but now you'll never get the chance again. Simon shook in fear his whole body breaking down, he pulled harder on is hair hoping the pain would make the voice stop.

"No, no" he screamed in terror but the voice continued, even if you did, it probably wouldn't have made any difference: she doesn't feel the same and she never will, she would have rejected you; it happened before and it will happen again. "Stop it, you don't know anything! STOP IT!" he shouted at himself.

She never wanted you, but she has someone doesn't she, Jamie. In fact he was probably fucking her just a few hours ago! The voice snarled and it laughed hysterically. "She wouldn't have done that, she's too good for him" He shouted out again but his voice broke at the end of his sentence. He was unable to even think of the idea of Cris being with Jamie. "He's a player and she knows it, she's too smart to do that!" Simon shouts again.

Whatever helps you sleep at night but you know he wants her and he always gets what he wants, doesn't he? Cris isn't any different from the other girls who swoon at his mere presence. Anger boils up in Simon and he nearly rips tufts of his hair out as he screams "She is different, no one can compare to her, and she isn't like the others" He cries, the voice was lying to him, wasn't it? Simon didn't know anymore and his head spun at all the thought.

Suddenly he felt a small sharp pain in his arm, the world stopped spinning, all his fought ceased and he felt unable to move, his arms fell to his sides and he dropped to the ground. The last thing he could conceive before blacking out was himself mumbling over and over again. "She isn't,"