She has managed to find her way down to his belt buckle and strokes it lovingly, teasingly.
"Please don't keep me waiting," he says with heated breath. She looks back up and sees his eyes blur with lust. "Please, Amanda."
She gives him a devilish smile as she slowly undoes the buckle.
"You're killing me here."
"I know," she says lightly.
"Too much," he says and fiercely digs his fingers into her hair, pulling her in for a searing kiss. She starts tugging down on his pants, eager to get him out of them. And then he reaches for hers.
Just as they get each other completely out of their clothes, they stumble and fall onto his bed which isn't too far away from the wall they had just been against.
Their elbows are everywhere.
"Ooof."
"Ow. I'm sorry."
"No problem."
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
The settle in, both of them chuckling a bit. She reaches a hand up to his temple and her fingers easily slide into the silver strands she finds there. He looks down at her. He's wanted this for so long.
"You know I love you," he says with a low voice, his accent as strong as ever.
She smiles up at him and nods as his long fingers slide deep into her golden hair.
He holds her gaze steady while he penetrates her for the first time.
"It's okay to love me, Amanda. It's okay."
"You're not afraid?"
"Of what?"
"Of being hurt."
"Oh, that." Carisi waves his hand dismissively. "Nah. If I lived my life that way I'd never do anything."
"You've obviously never been hurt." She snorts.
"Actually, yes I have. Deeply."
"Oh, I didn't know that." She is surprised. He carries himself like someone who's never known suffering and pain.
"Yup." He shrugs. "You're not the only one in the world who's gone through crap. You may have gone through more crap, or worse crap. But you're not the only one, believe me."
She takes his hand,. "Who hurt you?"
"It doesn't matter." He looks away, but doesn't let go of her hand. She traces a small circle on it.
"Tell me about it. Please."
He sighs. "I don't really want to get into this right now."
"And I don't want to tell you I love you." That makes him look up.
"You . . . ?"
"Talk to me," Amanda says firmly.
Their coupling intensifies to the point that he can't utter a single word – he is breathing too hard. Sweat is pouring down his back as she grasps at his forearms, feeling them constrict beneath her hands.
He feels so good. In every way.
She doesn't want to lose this . . . doesn't want to lose him.
Carisi leads her into his bedroom to talk, still holding her hand, and then just slumps down on the bed, releasing it. He tells her a heartbreaking story about the 'friend' who had died of cancer his junior year of high school. It was obvious she wasn't just his friend regardless of the way he referred to her. When she died she had taken pieces of him with her.
"You see now?" he asks Amanda.
"I'm not sure."
"I loved her. I truly did." He sighs raggedly, running a hand through his hair. "And then she was gone. Just like that. Gone."
"I see."
"Do you? Do you really?" He pauses to look up at her. "Even though it doesn't seem realistic if you really look at how old I was at the time, I was terrified of going through something like that again. I mean, what 17-year-old is going to die of cancer? Really?"
"She did," Amanda says softly, gently, reaching out to him and stroking his arm, his back.
"Yes, she did." He bows his head. "And I swore I wouldn't let myself feel for anyone that deeply again. It was too painful."
"What changed?"
"My priest said something to me."
She waits for him to continue and he looks up, yet doesn't quite meet her eyes.
"He asked me what I would have missed out on if I had pulled away from her out of fear. And I remembered all the joy that we shared – even after she was diagnosed. God, we had so little time."
Carisi locks her in his gaze and his blue eye bore into hers.
"He also asked me what would I have missed out on if I had never let her in at all. And that's the point, Amanda. It's worth it. It's all worth it." He pauses to let that sink in, the intensity in his eyes never wavering. "You're worth it."
"Dominick . . . " She had never called him that before but it just felt right. He had shared too much with her for her to keep him at a distance any longer by only using his last name.
His eyes change when she uses his first name, and a smile breaks out on his face. She can't help but smile back. "You're worth it too."
"Does that mean . . . ?"
"Yes."
The next thing she knows she is pressed against that wall for the first time. Somehow they had both lost their shirts in the process. It doesn't matter. All she wants is to be here with him in this moment.
