Thanks for a great response last chapter guys, and thank you so much for being patient with my while I go through exams – in less than three weeks I'll be utterly done, which is a terrifying thought! Even so, then I will be able to write LOADS so that's good!
This chapter is named after the song The Cave by Mumford and Sons :)
To my guest reviewer - Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter ;)
Anyways, without further ado here's the next chapter. I have proofread it extra but I've also been dotting 't's and crossing 'i's and writing about 'rexual selationships' in English practices essays so I'll make no promises for accuracy, sorry :s
Read. Enjoy. Review.
Chapter Forty Nine #The Cave #
The first thought to flutter across Kíli's throbbing head as he opened his eyes to blackness was the terrifying notion that he was still in captivity and that his rescue had been nothing but a wistful dream. Fear took only a second to seize his heart and stiffen his limbs, but even as he tensed, Kíli felt something shift around him.
"It's alright, Kíli…" Fíli's soothing voice murmured in his ear as a strong arm tightened around Kíli's stomach for a moment. "You're safe, nadadith…"
Immediately the tension melted away from Kíli's muscles as he realised that he was still being held by his brother and he sighed softly in relief. The darkness, he then noticed, was caused not by his surroundings but by Bofur's hat, which had been pushed the whole way down his face as he slept. Pushing the brim of the hat up slightly to allow himself to see, Kíli was shocked to find that he was immediately bombarded with a cold, biting wind and that the world around him was full of flurrying, white snowflakes. Already the ground they rode across was covered in what appeared to be several inches of snow, and the flakes falling through the air danced to the ground with surprising speed.
Automatically Kíli began to search for Bilbo, growing gradually calmer as he recognised each member of their little company riding around them, though the hobbit himself was barely visible through the cloak, hood, scarf and mittens that had been bundled around him as they rode through the harsh weather. Elladan and Elrohir had apparently found horses after Kíli had dozed off as they were riding now, and to his faint surprise Kíli noted that Gandalf had re-joined them at some point as well, and was riding at the head of the group.
Kíli looked around curiously through the white snow at the plains surrounding them, noting that there was very little to see other than the odd collection of trees. Something about their exposure on the open plains unsettled Kíli and he bit his lip, shrinking back into Fíli's chest.
"Are you alright?" Fíli asked rather loudly, though due to the wind and the speed at which they were riding Kíli was the only one to hear his words.
Kíli nodded, looking up at his brother. Fíli's face was largely covered by his scarf and hood, but his eyes were full of concern as they met Kíli's.
"We're heading to a place Elladan and Elrohir know where we can shelter for the night." Fíli explained slowly. "I don't think it's too far now…"
Nodding again, Kíli turned back to scour the horizon for any threats, but Fíli was right and soon a thick cluster of trees came into view in the near distance. Elrohir's horse gracefully overtook Gandalf's with a nicker and Kíli felt his brother direct the pony carrying the both of them towards the little forest. Within a few minutes the company slowed to a trot as they entered the woods in single file due to the narrow track winding around the towering evergreen trees. A ceiling of pine needles protected them from the snowfall as the tree trunks began to lessen the tremendous wind almost as soon as they entered the forest and Kíli shook his head slightly, watching snow dance off of his shoulders and onto the carpet of old pine needles below.
Elrohir led their small company to a cluster of caves not unlike the ones Kíli had been held in, but despite the worried glances his companions sent in his direction Kíli simply smiled at the elf and gave a little nod. He was not going to pass up on the opportunity for shelter simply due to one bad experience – his family were with him now and he knew he had nothing to fear.
"We shall tend to the ponies and horses," Elladan peered into the nearest cave. "This one seems habitable – could you produce a fire in there without suffocating us all?"
"Of course." Nori scoffed, winking as Kíli and Fíli rode closer.
Fíli dismounted first and Kíli followed seconds later, grinning at the sight of a bundled up Bilbo sliding off of the side of his pony and waddling towards them.
"Don't even say it!" Bilbo warned with a sniffle upon seeing Kíli's gleeful face, clapping a hand onto Kíli's arm and the young dwarf grinned, looping an arm around his father's shoulders.
"I wouldn't dream of mocking you, my dear Bilbo!" Kíli crooned, and Bilbo rolled his eyes.
"Ah, Kíli…" Gandalf walked over to the trio with an almost sheepish smile. "I am awfully glad to see you all in one piece. Are you feeling alright?"
Kíli nodded with a small smile. "There is a little pain but nothing I cannot cope with."
"Perfect – let's get out of the cold, shall we?" Gandalf gestured towards the large cave Nori and Bofur had already entered and Fíli, Kíli and Bilbo followed the wizard inside.
Miraculously, even Gandalf could stand up in the cave, though he had to stoop slightly and remove his hat, and almost immediately Bilbo set down his belongings in the far corner of the cave and made himself comfortable. Kíli settled next to his hobbit and beamed when Fíli sat at his other side. His smile dimmed, though it did not entirely fade, as he looked properly at his brother.
"Fíli, you look awful!"
"Thank you," Fíli drawled dryly, raising his eyebrows. At Kíli's lingering look of concern, Fíli smiled wryly. "I'm fine, Kíli."
Fíli was not fine. Kíli's eyes passed over his brother's bedraggled hair and haggard face, taking in the exhaustion in Fíli's eyes and the weariness in his smile. The very blue of Fíli's eyes was paler, weaker, in his fatigue and he looked as though he had been dragged through each and every bush in Middle-Earth backwards. With a start, Kíli realised that the sleep he had enjoyed himself had meant that Fíli had to stay awake and alert and he pointed his finger at Fíli firmly.
"Sleep. Now."
Fíli laughed and ruffled Kíli's hair. "You're so adorable when you try to be bossy, little brother."
Kíli bristled with an expression he knew would make his brother laugh, pretending to be far more affronted than he truly was. "I'm not adorable."
"Oh you are," Bofur crooned. "Like a babe."
Rolling his eyes, Kíli looked pointedly at his brother. "Eat. Then sleep."
"If only to humour you," Fíli sighed dramatically.
"Thank you." Kíli beamed innocently at his brother.
Balder snorted as he looked at Kíli. "Look at the little thing – it's like trapping an angry rabbit!"
"Kíli? Are you alright?"
Kíli jumped at Bilbo's voice and forced a smile onto his face. "I'm fine."
Bilbo tipped his head to the side a mere fraction and raised an eyebrow slightly.
"Really," Kíli nodded, tucking his hair behind his ears. "I'm fine. Oh, and Bofur?"
"Aye lad?" the miner raised his eyebrows and Kíli swiped the hat off of his own head, tossing it across the cave at its rightful owner.
"Thank you very much – that is a very warm hat."
"That it is," Bofur winked, settling the hat on his head and instantly looking far more… well, far more Bofur was the only way Kíli could think of it. "And you're most welcome."
Nori quickly began to cook up a thick, meatless stew, and when a bowl of the broth was placed in his hands Kíli did not care what was or was not in it. Even as he began to consume large spoonfuls of the stew, Kíli's stomach growled ravenously.
"Easy there, Kíli." Fíli raised his eyebrows as he ate his own broth far more majestically. "You'll make yourself sick."
Forcing himself to slow down, Kíli nodded, though he did not speak again until he had finished his meal. Despite all the sleeping he had done that day, Kíli felt rather tired, though he dreaded closing his eyes – he had always been susceptible to nightmares.
Beside him, Fíli yawned widely and Kíli instantly turned on him, staring pointedly into his brother's eyes.
"Alright, alright…" Fíli rolled his eyes and slumped down onto the floor. "Wake me up when it's my turn to watch."
"Won't do." Kíli promised, causing his brother to roll his eyes again, though Fíli did then close his eyes and drift into what appeared to be a peaceful slumber.
"I think the lad has the right idea," Bofur yawned, looking to the elves at the mouth of the cave. "We'll take second watch."
Elladan and Elrohir inclined their heads in unison and Bofur and Nori wordlessly shifted down to sleep. For a long while Kíli simply stared at the crackling fire, flooding his mind with thoughts of home so as to avoid the nightmares. He thought of Paladin's crooked smile and Esme's brilliant laugh. He thought of Saradoc's drunken singing and Merry's cheeky giggle. He thought of Pearl's surprisingly graceful dancing and Pimpernel's clumsy attempts at copying her sister. He thought of Pervinca's scribbly drawings and Pippin's flawless puppy dog eyes. He thought of Frodo's eager hunger for stories and Drogo's tireless patience. He thought of Prim's dancing eyes and he thought of Bag End when it was full of his family and laughter and life.
"Kíli…" Bilbo murmured softly after a while, snapping the young dwarf out of his reverie. "Oh, Kíli…"
"Are you alright, Bilbo?" Kíli frowned slightly at the sad smile on Bilbo's face.
The hobbit nodded and blinked several times, and to Kíli's horror he recognised Bilbo's features as being the verge of tears. Sure enough, a few tears escaped the corners of Bilbo's eye as he put a hand on Kíli's shoulder. "Just…just don't leave me, alright? Don't you ever leave me."
"Bilbo," Kíli swallowed, pulling his hobbit into his arms for a fierce hug. "I won't. I'm here, I'm still here… I love you, Bilbo, we're going to be alright."
Bilbo laughed humourlessly as he held his son close. "I shouldn't be…I should be the one saying that!"
"It's alright, Bilbo," Kíli promised with a small smile. "I'm fine… You don't have to hold yourself together for me."
"Yes, I do." Bilbo said firmly, hugging Kíli tightly. "I'm your father, that's what I must do!"
"If you say so," Kíli returned the hobbit's hug fiercely. "But I'm alright and you're alright and we are going to be fine. Get some sleep, Bilbo."
With a tired sigh, Bilbo slowly lay down on his bed roll and Kíli lay down too, grinning as he felt Fíli's leg's just touching his own and Bilbo's hand on the side of his sleeve. His family were here with him and they were all safe and well.
And that is all that really matters, isn't it? Kíli thought to himself as he allowed sleep to swallow him once more.
However, it was not the youngest son of Durin that was plagued by nightmares that night.
"Fíli! Fíli help me!"
Spinning around on the spot, Fíli searched frantically for his screaming brother, but Kíli was nowhere to be seen. "Kíli! Kíli where are you? Kíli!"
"Fee!"
Stumbling blindly through the dark forest of thorns, Fíli quickened his pace and yelled as loudly as he could. "Kíli!"
"Why are you always too late?" a fierce voice growled and Fíli whirled around.
"Thorin-"
"What is wrong with you?" The dwarf king spat, his crown glinting on his head despite the lack of light. "Why are you always too late to save your brother? It is pathetic!"
"I try, uncle, I try but you must help me find him!"
"He's through there," Thorin casually flicked his hand towards a clearing. "But your incompetence must be punished. Dwalin, come and help me."
"Certainly." the warrior strode out from the trees with a sickening grin on his face and seized one of Fíli's arms as Thorin surged forward and grabbed the other.
"What are you doing?" Fíli cried as the two dwarves he trusted most in the entire world dragged him through the trees to where a trio of deformed dwarves were beating his baby brother. "Kíli, no!"
"Watch it, Fíli." Thorin ordered as an armless, red headed foe smashed his foot into Kíli's face, eliciting a forlorn wail from the young dwarf. "This is your fault."
"No, no, stop it! Kíli, Kíli!" Fíli screamed, thrashing desperately in Thorin's arms and the figures dancing sadistically around his brother melted away into the darkness.
Kíli raised his bloodied head to look up at Fíli, his neck twisting as blood bubbled out of the corner of his mouth. "Fee…help!"
"Kíli!" Fíli roared, "Thorin, Dwalin, you must help him, what is wrong with you?"
"I'll give him all the help he deserves." Dwalin whistled twice, sharply, and three enormous wolves prowled out from the woods. "Finish him!"
"No!" Fíli screamed as the creatures dove at his brother and began ripping him apart. "No, Kíli! Kíli, no, no!"
Fíli awoke with a start, flying into a sitting position with a gasp. He threw his hands over his mouth to stifle his heavy breaths, his eyes instantly scanning the room to search for danger – or anyone who had witnessed his moment of panic. He could hear Elladan and Elrohir's familiar voices murmuring to each other just outside of the cave, but everyone appeared sound asleep in the light of the glowing fire.
Pull it together, Fíli…the young prince ordered himself, taking a deep breath. You cannot fall apart now…
Even as he tried to control his breathing, Kíli's screams rang in his ears and Fíli covered his mouth to muffle the sobs fighting to escape his body. He refused to let any sound from his mouth with the stubbornness of his bloodline, but his body shook nevertheless with the silent sobs.
Just this one moment of weakness, he promised himself as tears began to slip down his cheeks. Just one moment of weakness in the dark of the night, and then I'll be fine in front of the others – Kíli does not need to see me cry.
"Fee?" his brother's confused, sleepy voice sounded from behind him.
Fíli's head snapped around quickly and he tried to hide his tears with a smile. "Kíli…are you alright?"
Kíli was sitting up and rubbing his eyes, which gave Fíli the opportunity to covertly dash the tears from his own cheeks, and for a moment the blond dwarf was sure that he had fooled his brother.
The moment did not last long. "You're crying, Fíli."
"What? No I'm not," Fíli scoffed quietly, cursing the trembling in his voice. "You're half-dreaming, Kíli, go back to sleep."
"Fee," Kíli whispered, putting his arm around Fíli's shoulders and drawing his brother closer. "It's alright, Fíli…"
"That's what I'm trying to tell you." I will not choke, I will not choke, I will not choke!
Despite the older dwarf's protestations, Kíli pulled Fíli closer; holding him the way Fíli had always held him when he cried. As his head fell against Kíli's chest and his brother's chin rested on his head, Fíli's control slipped altogether and a sob burst from his lips. He clenched his jaw shut and squeezed his eyes tightly closed, but Kíli's hands began to run through his hair and his little brother whispered soothing words in his ear.
"It's alright, Fíli, I'm here. It's alright to cry, I won't judge you. I'd be more upset if you hid your pain than if you cried like a baby all over my good tunic."
Recognising his own words in his brother's voice, Fíli sobbed once more, another soundless, shaking sob but a sob nonetheless. In moments he was crying into his brother's chest as Kíli – tortured, traumatised Kíli – rocked him back and forth murmuring nonsense words of quiet reassurance into his hair in a twisted role reversal that brought as much guilt as it did comfort for Fíli.
"I…I'm sorry, Kíli…" Fíli gasped as he tried to gain control over himself. "I'm so sorry…"
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Kíli murmured, pressing his forehead against Fíli's hair. "You saved me, Fíli, you saved me again."
"You're hurt!" Fíli moaned, gripping Kíli's arm tightly. "They hurt you, Kíli, they hurt you badly because-"
"They were traitors and psychopaths." Kíli said firmly. "You're allowed to have flaws, Fee. You're allowed to make mistakes – not that you have, because you haven't – but you're allowed to. And you're allowed to cry, Fíli."
Fíli simply groaned and shook his head slightly, clutching at his brother as if there was nothing else tethering him to the world. Slowly, oh so agonizingly slowly, control began to slip back to him. First he was able to contain his sobs and then his breathing began to slow until he finally gained enough strength to sit up and wipe his tears away. Kíli's eyes were full of agonised sympathy as they bored into his and Fíli had to look away.
"Fee?"
Slowly, Fíli raised his eyes back to his brother's. A small smile twitched across Kíli's cheeks and he put his hand on Fíli's shoulder.
"You've saved me more times than I can count. Let me help you now, Fíli. It's my turn."
Fíli almost sobbed again but he managed to force the sound out as a strange laugh. "It's my job to protect you, you're my little brother."
"And now it's time for me to grow up and look after you, too." Kíli murmured firmly. "Let me help, Fee."
"You help already," Fíli admitted with a weak smile. "More than you could ever know, Kíli."
"I doubt that," Kíli raised an eyebrow. "All I ever do is get myself into situations where I need rescuing and wait for someone to save me like a damsel in distress. It's embarrassing."
"You can't know how much you already help me because you've never seen me without you, Kíli." Fíli murmured sadly.
"Then let me help you more," Kíli pleaded, his face contorting slightly as he tried to hide what looked like pain. "I don't want you to be hurting, brother, but I cannot bear the thought that you would hide it from me! Please, Fíli…"
Fíli took a deep breath and then nodded slowly.
Instantly Kíli smiled, tightening his grip on Fíli's shoulder. "What can I do?"
Smiling wryly at his brother's eagerness, Fíli placed his own hand on Kíli's shoulder. "Heal… be alright…"
Kíli looked utterly disgruntled. "I can do more than that, Fíli son of Dís, and you know it."
"You could, if there was a physical way to help me." Fíli said sadly.
"Then tell me what's wrong!" Kíli begged.
Sighing heavily, Fíli gave in. "I had a nightmare, alright? You were… you…"
"I was what?" Kíli pressed gently when Fíli trailed off. "Fíli, tell me!"
Shaking his head, Fíli grasped his brother's shoulders and hissed. "I can't keep watching you die, Kíli!"
"Oh…" Kíli's mouth fell open for a moment but he quickly closed it and nodded. "Alright. You do not need to worry about me this moment – I am fine. We will get through this, Fíli, I promise. I will admit that I'm shaken and scared and I am in a little pain, but I am fine and we will get through this. You won't keep watching me die, I won't let you.
Fíli smiled sadly. "I love you, Kíli."
"I love you too." Kíli returned the same sad smile, though it was soon broken by a yawn. "Come on, you need to sleep even more than I do."
Fíli shook his head. "It will be time for my watch soon-"
"No, it won't be." Kíli said firmly, lying down and tugging on Fíli's arm.
Rolling his eyes, Fíli lay down on his bedroll and instantly Kíli's hand was stroking his hair gently. A soft humming met his ears and he almost cried as Kíli began to calmly lull him to sleep as if he was a babe. Within moments, Fíli had been sucked back into the land of dreams, and somehow the nightmares stayed away this time.
As slowly stroked his brother's hair, Kíli stared up and the ceiling of the cave, haunted by the sheer distress of his brother and hobbit. His own fear had instantly diminished at Bilbo's weak pleas and his pain had paled considerably in the face of Fíli's agony.
Suppressing a shudder, Kíli forced himself to think of his horror and despair when he had believed that Dwalin had truly betrayed him and the torture that had followed. He remembered the freezing of his body as the icy water soaked him. He remembered the sting of sharp knives tearing open his skin. He remembered the pounding of their feet as they smashed into his body. He remembered the burning of his back as they twisted burning matches into his flesh. He remembered the metallic taste of steel tingling on his tongue as Einar eased the wicked blade into his mouth with a sickening grin. He remembered Bilbo's furious, distressed battle cries as he murdered the dwarf that had hurt his son. He remembered Fíli gathering him into his arms and slicing away his bonds. He remembered the agony of telling his brother who had betrayed them. He remembered his anguish when Fíli had turned tearfully away.
As he forced himself to relive the terrors of the past few days, Kíli found that he was able to remain quite calm if he kept moving his fingers gently through Fíli's hair, and he was able to relieve any trembling if he simply touched Bilbo's coat.
When he had brought himself to the current moment, Kíli blinked slowly up at the ceiling of the cave. He had been luckier than any soul could dream to be with his rescue, but now he had choices ahead of him that had absolutely nothing to do with luck. He could do as he always had, and draw comfort from his father and brother until the trauma slowly left his mind. He could succumb to the fear still flowing through his veins and retreat into himself - or even attack everyone else in the hopes that it would make him feel stronger.
However, there was another option - he could stand up on his own - and that seemed like the best way to go, though it would not be the easiest. That very night, Kíli had witnessed moments of weakness from the two most important people in his life and for once he wanted to be the one to hold them up.
A burning log on the fire snapped and threw sparks up into the air, flinging them up towards the ceiling of the cave like little stars, and it was at that moment that Kíli decided that he would be strong. He would work through the pain and push himself harder, he would acknowledge the fear and then lock it away. He would fight for his father and his brother and his friends, and he would not yield to pain and fear.
Fíli was breaking and Bilbo was shaking and Kíli would keep them whole. He would do what they had always done for him - he would protect his family. It would not be easy, he knew, to control his demons, but he would do it for Bilbo and for Fíli - and for himself.
Because Kíli Baggins was done with being a victim.
There! I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) The next one will be up at some stage but I can't promise it will be soon :( my exams are coming closer! I'm not utterly satisfied with the Bilbo/Kili conversation, but it's just a quick flavour of what's to come!
Next chapter (whenever it is) will feature angry Dwalin meeting Balder and discovering what has happened, so tell me if there's anything in particular you are dying to see other than some absolute kicking of treacherous butt from Dwalin ;)
Please leave me a review if you fancy, they are so lovely to receive, especially now :) Thanks!
