Disclaimer: I don't own High School DxD
Chapter Three: The Internet Versus the Idiot
"Jeez, these guys are pretty stupid, huh? Well it's that or they're just that desperate."
It was a hellish couple of months, learning Japanese. The officer, Suzuki, had politely asked (ordered at gunpoint) a colleague by the name of Namida to teach young Hakuchi Zoku. Now the young man was able to speak Japanese, although he still couldn't read it. He was also now the kind of proud owner of several traumatic memories. And some new phobias.
Nowadays he was 'living' (for lack of a better term) in the interrogation room they'd first stuck him in. How the police were allowed to do that he had no idea, but he didn't really give a shit either way. It did make it a little awkward to masturbate but he had needs god damnit.
After much pestering (AKA, whining of boredom) they also gave him a laptop to make him shut up. And so, mustering all the wisdom he had, he came to the conclusion that the best thing he could do with this time was to… pretend he was Officer Suzuki Yume and tease horny old guys on the internet with photoshopped pictures of her. But it wasn't just for him! Oh no! He was a much better person than that! He charged them money per photo under the excuse that he needed money to…do something. He may or may not have forgotten exactly what excuse he'd given himself, but he never forgot that it was for a good cause and that was what truly mattered!
Pfft, right. Lying to yourself is bad. He just wanted to mess with Suzuki-tan-san-man. Oh and earn some money off of it too. Zoku figured he deserved it from all the times she tried to put a bullet through him.
"Oi! Shitstain! I need you to get out of here-!" SLAM
"Were you watching porn again?" The officer deadpanned.
"Err… sure? Yeah, let's go with that," the young protagonist chuckled nervously.
"...Is it even possible to be that bad at lying?"
"Is it even possible to mistake a lost child for a terrorist? Oh wait."
"Is it even possible for a snot-nosed brat to wake up in a different continent and then proceed to cause a mass panic? Oh wait."
"Apparently, because that's what happened, or are you going senile with old age?"
Next to the woman in question was a man. He was fairly tall for a Japanese person (meaning he wasn't a midget), wearing a slightly dirty white t-shirt and baggy shorts and had tattoos peeking out of his attire. "Hey isn't that the kid who-?"
"Yes."
"Yes."
"And he's living in a interrogatio-"
Zoku held a hand up. "Do you honestly want me to answer that question?" he asked rhetorically, before turning to Suzuki, "And look at you! You're finally bringing a guy home? I knew you could do it. And to think all I needed to was to send a couple of photos."
The officer's eyebrow twitched. "He's a suspect in a case, smartass, and I need to interrogate hi- what did you just say!?"
"...I'm sorry and I won't ever do it again?" Suzuki's firearm was in her hand within a second.
"Run for your lives! The bitch is unleashed!" The ever so lucky (possible) criminal had the chance to witness a police officer get insulted by a civilian, who'd apparently sent out compromising pictures of the admittedly gorgeous police officer in question and was now running for his life while the officer did her best to kill him.
"...I think I'll just confess, now."
…
"Worth it," Zoku declared with certainty, sitting outside the station. He was now the proud owner of a black eye and newfound knowledge that Officer Suzuki didn't care about the human biology, if she wanted that limb to bend, that limb better bend.
"I guess I'll walk around, maybe I'll get lucky and a hot chick would recognize just how truly amazing I am." Zoku pointedly ignored the officers snickering at his black eye and how mothers kept their children close to their side when they saw him. And he most definitely didn't see those pair of middle school students cross the street so they didn't have to walk past him. Nope, that never happened.
Then, as he passed a particular store, he happened to glance through the front window and paused. "Do my eyes deceive me or is this a sweet shop?" Like any reasonable person, he pressed his face to the glass in an effort to see better. He ignored the startled plebeians who were feeding each other cake. "Holy shit! It is!" With a mighty leap backwards and narrowly missing bumping into a child, he ran into the store. Or, well, attempted to. As soon as he opened the door, he ran in bumping into something stopping his mad dash towards the savory, delicious food of the Heavens. Of course, because of his naturally terrible sense of balance, this caused him to fall, but because of the speed he was going at, it was more like he skidded across the floor.
But this did not deter our hero! He got up on all floors… only to slip as the floor was wet!
"...Ouch."
Zoku blinked. He didn't say that, and even if he did (which is impossible because he was a manly man) it wouldn't be so emotionless and soft. Getting up more carefully this time he looked down and noticed that there was a little girl underneath him. She had white hair oddly enough and even stranger golden eyes. She also appeared to be wearing some weird type of clothing with like, a cape or something?
"...Pervert."
Our beloved protagonist suddenly realized he was on a little girl and got up. And like a proper gentleman he helped the girl up as well. "Sorry about that, I forgot you were there. You have some really weird clothes there, you cosplaying or something?" He shook his head. "They keep getting younger and younger…"
The little girl's eyebrow twitched. "...I'm a highschool student, pervert."
"Ah, that's what you're dressed up as? You shouldn't be in such a hurry to grow up you know, you should enjoy your carefree youth some more." Zoku nodded sagely, as if imparted an important piece of wisdom that would save the world from destruction. Or he just had an incredibly bloated ego. Either or. "Oh, you should also lengthen the skirt; you're still pretty young, you shouldn't go around dressing like that. This is Japan, you know? People here are really fucking kinky and shit. Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to curse around children."
She blinked. "...What?"
Then she looked down and her eyes narrowed. "...You squished my candy."
"What?" The teen looked at his now ruined shirt, which happened to be bedecked with an american flag with matching pants. "Oops. Sorry little girl, are your parents near by? I can explain what happened to them and they could buy you some more candy."
The girl's eyes narrowed even further. She then reached into her skirt and pulled out an student ID and nearly shoved it in his face.
Zoku blinked in surprise at what the plastic card told him. Or failed to tell him. "Er… little girl, I'm a foreigner. I can't read Japanese."
Her shoulders sagged slightly as she gave him an exasperated look.
"Well, due to unto others and all that crap, right? I'll buy you some more candy; it was kinda my fault that it got squished anyways."
If our amazing and mind bogglingly intelligent protagonist didn't know any better, he would've sworn the tiny girl preened at the idea.
"By the way, your English is pretty good… er, what's your name again?"
"Didn't give it."
"Well, then what is it?"
She only gave him an unimpressed, aloof stare, before turning away. "Whatever."
"Your name is Whatever? Damn, your parents must hate you. I guess that's why you're out gallivanting around like this. You know what? You can have some extra sweets. Maybe they'll distract you from your depressing homelife."
"N-next customer."
"Hey, you can order first, I still need to figure out which Japanese sweets can compare to the glory of American sweets that we've stolen from everyone else."
He could practically hear the young girl rolling her eyes. "Then it's not American glory, is it?" The 'dumbass' was implied at the end.
Zoku whipped his face to her direction. "You fool! That IS the glory of America! We conquer and claim our prize! We then inject all that is American into it! For example, diabetes and police brutality!"
The pretend high schooler proceeded to do her best impression of grumpy-cat and leaned away from Enlightenment, starting to actually look irritated by his wisdom. The heathen.
"There you are, Koneko. I know you like your sweets, but the club president said that…am I interrupting something?"
Zoku blinked. "Koneko? That's a weird na-" the protagonist froze as pieces started to fit together. He looked at the white haired girl. Then turned to look at the blue eyed pretty boy who'd called out to her. "...Your name is Kiba isn't it?"
The pretty boy smiled and scratched the back of his head. "Ah, it seems you have me at a disadvantage here. You know my name and I don't know yours."
Zoku awkwardly laughed. "Err… I'm nobody important. Just a guy living in an interrogation room."
The blonde blinked. "What?"
Zoku's eyes then popped out in surprise and he pointed to something behind the young man. "Oh shit look it's a distraction!"
The two devils blinked in surprise at the exclamation and looked out of reflex. When they finally realized what he said, the young, handsome, dashing, majestic, and mysteriously mysterious person had already rushed out the door. It was is as if no one was ever there~
"FUCK MY SHOE FELL OFF!"
...Nevermind.
…
SLAM
The giant doors that led into Kuoh's police station slammed shut and a scrawny teen leaned against the them, trying to catch his breath.
"Fuck that was close. Who knows what they would've done to me! ...Wait, what would have they done to me?" The manliest of them all took a thinking pose and pondered about this incredibly difficult question.
"Oh well, what's done is done," he muttered, shrugging, "But fuck, Yume was right, I gotta start hitting the gym." Suddenly, he whipped his head back and forth as if uttering the she devil's name, it would summon her presence.
When it appeared that he was in the clear, he let out a sigh of relief.
"Well, let's go see if there's any idiots I can taunt in a holding cell." And off he went to the holding cell room.
…
"Hey Namida," Zoku greeted, strolling up to the officer in question, who was… playing a game?
"NNNOOOO! THE SPOILERS!"
"LOOK AWAY!"
"I CAN'T! HE'S ALMOST TO THE H-SCENE! I CAN'T CALL MYSELF A MAN IF I LOOK AWAY NOW!"
"Hey," the officer replied casually, seemingly ignoring the tortured screams if not for the smirk on his face.
Zoku peeked into the cells and saw three young males in similar clothing. One of them had a buzzcut and had beady eyes, the other two looked like stereotypical Japanese people except one of them wore glasses and the other one had his shirt open for a red shirt to be revealed to the world. All of them were crying. And slightly turned on.
But one of them noticed the peeking Zoku and pleaded with him.
"Oh! It's a savior! Please help us! We were just buying a game and it turned out to be the last one so he arrested us for it! We'll even let you borrow it after we're done with it! Promise!"
Zoku turned back to Namida playing what appeared to be the eroge-in-question and did what any sensible person would do in this situation. He plopped down next to Namida and started asking about the game.
"YOU'RE JUST GOING TO IGNORE US!?"
Namida let out a chuckle. "Oh I should do this more often."
Zoku let out a noise of agreement. "Want me to arrest them next time? We can claim that I'm learning how to become an officer if they file charges."
"EHHH!? HE WAS A HIDDEN BOSS!?""
Namida let out a snort. "Nah. We have an agreement with their parents, we can fuck around with their kids and in exchange we won't actually arrest them." He paused as he considered something. "Well, as long as they don't talk about it or do something too bad."
"Oi! What was that?! I think I just heard something incredibly shady!"
"Wow. I didn't know being a cop could be so much fun!"
"NO THAT'S NOT FUN! STOP! WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE!?"
"Ahh… this is so relaxing, I think I'll take a nap."
"OI!"
AN: Wow, I updated so fast right? Damn, it was like at the speed of light. So, what are your thoughts on the chapter? Anything you want to say? C'mon, you know you want to. Oh and fun fact, I was going to have this take place while Koneko was still in middle school but I forgot so I just ran with it. That entire scene is unscripted. Well, actually my entire chapters are unscripted. I just have like a vague idea what to do, get distracted, talk to NorthSouth Gorem why my SI will always be better than his, etc.
...I'm going to end this Author Note before I get too distracted.
