Chapter 27
I ran, pelting my way down the path from the house, probably stepping in every hole Will had ever told me to avoid. My breathing became ragged while my mind raced like a driverless carriage. Sabine! That French whore was with Will now?! As much as I wanted to deny it, I now recognized the voice of that woman, the full figure, (though I had not seen it unclothed before) the arrogance with which she pulled and pushed Will away from her. I didn't care, I told myself, I didn't care that she had stolen Guy from me, but now, Will too? That bitch! Did Guy know? What would he do to Will or to both of them, if he found out?
Tears stung my eyes as I kept up my frantic pace. More than anything I wished for Lily now so I could ride her fast and run away from all of this. I was sick of these unpleasant surprises, sick of intrigue, sick of wondering what would come next. I wanted to go to being plain, boring Nyssa who never had any adventures, and had stayed in London after Father had called me home. I wanted my mother. I wanted her calm embrace, her warm words, her advice, which no doubt would have been better than anything I could come up with right now.
As thoughts kept flying through my head, I suddenly realized I needed to stop running or I might stop my own heart from this pace. I screeched to halt by the main road, then doubled over and vomited. The heaving of my stomach was replaced by racking sobs. I wasn't even sure if I was crying for Will, Guy, the situation or myself anymore. Perhaps it was all just too much for me. Chills swept up and down my spine, and I rolled from my knees to my back a few feet away from my own filth. My hitching breath slowed a little bit and I felt annoyed with myself. A crying fit three weeks ago with Guy, a vomiting fit this week. I was losing my steel plated backbone.
As sick as I felt, I could not stop thinking about Will and Sabine. Will hated the noble class! I was shocked that he and Hood were so desperate for information that Will had taken up with her. I was also mildly shocked that Sabine would let a working class man within three feet of her but then Guy had said that he no longer visited her bed…Perhaps her needs were greater than I had thought. I closed my eyes, wanting to unsee what I had seen, but the image of Will thrashing in front of Sabine and her cries of delight invaded my brain. What was I to do with this information?
Sadly, I decide that walking home was the best course of action. I walked slowly and deliberately, trying to calm myself, and wishing for a cool glass of water to rinse my mouth. Several tradesmen passed me on the road and said hello, while I barely saw them. My journey was a slow one, and full of unbidden images rising to my vision. When I finally arrived at the gate to my house, I went straight to the barn and to Lily. Jemma eagerly jumped up from her place at Lily's feet and baaaed at me for alfalfa. I opened the door to Lily's stall, and she snuffed at me kindly, her knowing brown eye regarding me.
I felt my mother's spirit in the room at that moment. It was as if she was there with the three of us, warm and gentle. Jemma's nose butted against my hand, seeking something to chew, and I scratched her head absently. But Lily's deep brown eye did not leave me, and she nodded her head at me. My eyes, never really dry, filled up with tears again. "Oh, Lily," I said softly, my hands in her main, "what shall I do?"
I held her then, leaning up against her great frame and she stood, understanding. Jemma seemed slightly alarmed that nothing had appeared in my hand, but Lily's steady temperament kept her calm. She whickered softly, understanding that I was upset, even if she didn't know why, in that remarkable way animals have. I listened to her heartbeat and her breathing as I leaned on her, feeling that she was trying to calm me in my distress.
We remained that way for most of the day until night began to fall. My stomach pains were no better but Lily's warm presence had helped me calm down.
"Nyssa?"
Father's voice called out to me from the barn door. He saw me in the stall and stopped. "Why didn't you come to the house?"
I wiped my face. "No reason," I said shakily. He frowned and moved into the barn, opening the stall door. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," I said, then at his expression changed my mind. "When I went to the Scarletts, I found Will and Sabine…" I couldn't finish the sentence for a moment. "together. He was asking her to find letters at Guy's house." Upon saying this, my stomach cramped again. Father's face looked stricken and worried.
"Nyssa, you're white as death. Come into the house and lie down."
I felt as though I would never want another meal in my life as he helped me walk from the barn to the house, a task that normally required no aid. Halfway there, I voided the contents of the stomach a second time. Father held me up on his arm as he waited for me to finish. "Good girl. Better out than in with that poison."
Faint, I nodded as he led me into the house and to his larger bed. Shaking and hot, I lay there, wondering if I would be sick a third time. Father stayed with me, holding my hand and looking concerned. Eventually he left me to boil water for tea, and I was relieved to see him go so that I could show the misery on my face. I fell into a restless, nightmarish sleep where I everyone I knew was being hurt, and the pain in my stomach never ceased. In my dreams I could only watch as Father was taken by the French, Charmaine and her family were imprisoned, and Guy was executed. I flailed about in my sleep, drenched with sweat and moaning for water. It was near the middle of the night when half conscious, I heard voices above me.
"She's really quite ill…I've never seen anything like this."
"I know, Mistress Suzanne…can you help?"
"You have to sponge bathe her to get the fever down. I'll prepare some herbs…"
The next few hours were another blur. I remembered the feel of water on my hot skin, but nothing seemed to douse the fire in my body. Cool herbs were spread in a poultice on my chest and shoulders. I only half felt them there. I tossed and turned, moaning for relief and trying to pull every bit of clothing off that I wore. The dark of the night grew deeper in my vision, and I swam further into it as time wore on and lost its meaning. With each moment, it grew deeper and more impenetrable. And then towards the end, there was a small burst of light, and my mother's voice calling to me. I reached out and tried to answer her, but only formed words with no sound. The light grew dimmer and I kept calling until I was sure my unheard voice was raspy. I saw her then, her white hands reaching out to me, and felt tears forming in my eyes. She was beautiful, her hair flowing about her face. Her eyes were my eyes as her voice called my name,
"Nyssa…Nyssa…"
"Mama..." I whispered back, trying to reach her.
"Don't leave me, Nyssa…"
"I'm coming, Mama," I said, crying out softly. Her voice had taken on an unusual quality and now seemed to be all voices, male and female, ringing out in the harmonic rafters of paradise.
"Nyssa…" Her voice now dropped nearly an octave or more, and deepened. The light began to fade and I felt myself pulling away from it, as though someone had taken my hand. But my mother was fading…
"No, Mama, don't go," I said, still weeping. "I need you..."
"And I need you," the voice said, now sounding much closer. Its tone was familiar, deep and low. The darkness swam further away, as I reached out towards it. The grip on my hand tightened until pain shot through my fingers, and I felt the flutter of my eyelids moving as I said, "Please don't leave me…"
And the vision vanished into the ceiling of my father's bedroom. I looked up weakly to see Guy of Gisborne, tears in his eyes, kneeling beside me. His hand held mine in a vise-like grip and his face was pale. A trembling sigh escaped his lips as he saw my eyes open.
"I will never leave you again, my love."
