Thank you for waiting patiently for this update. I need to let you all know this is a Sam and Jules chapter. Hope you like it, but the only way I will know this is if you leave me a review. Thank you to all of you who have stayed with this story. You know who you are and you are all AMAZING. Action will be back in Chapter 7.
Chapter 6 - Regrets
Ed made his way to the waiting area. He saw Greg standing by the double doors leading through to the trauma unit. His face displaying a million worries. Any news on Jules? Ed asked looking over his shoulder at Sam who looked like his whole world had just collapsed. Sam was sitting in a chair; his head leaning against the back wall and he was staring at nothing, lost in his own thoughts.
"She's still in surgery" Greg replied.
"Did he know about the baby?" Ed asked in a quieter tone, not wanting Sam to overhear their conversation.
Greg looked over at his young officer; he too felt for Sam, his devastation clear for all to see. Spike was seated next to Sam, but no one was talking. "They only found out this week - Ed she should have told me; I would never have put her in as lead negotiator if I had known".
Ed recalled earlier when Jules had shakily grabbed Ed's arm as she was being loaded into the ambulance. Ed had reassured her that she would be OK, but he didn't know, not really know that she would make it; there was a lot of blood and her complexion was the wrong side of grey; he reassured her just the same. It was then she told him, not realizing at first what she had said; faint whispers of words leaving her lips. "Baby, Ed….I'm… Baby." And before Ed could find out more, her eyes had closed. The paramedics had virtually pushed Ed out of the ambulance.
He understood; he wished he hadn't. Did Sam know? Would he have to tell Sam his wife had been shot and she was also pregnant? That would be too much for any man to handle. But he couldn't tell him; SIU were waiting to lead him and Leah away to have every action they had taken pulled apart, dissected and scrutinized. Ed had told Greg and it would be the Team's Sergeant who would have the unenviable task of telling Sam.
Greg had told Sam as gently as he could, when Spike had left to get coffees. Greg had sat down next to Sam and spoke to him. But Sam did know, Jules had told him on Monday. "She…. we were going to tell you Boss… there just wasn't time … with everything going on, the sniper and Andrew: She's going to be OK, Boss, isn't she?"
Greg had been trained not to lie, never tell a subject a lie; the training clear and concise: But this wasn't a subject, this was Sam and Greg needed to keep him positive. "She will be just fine Sam". Greg hoped it wasn't a lie.
And when Sam had asked what happened, he told him what he needed to know; the rest could be left for later.
Time was Greg's biggest enemy. Time was running out - they only had a couple of days before the sniper struck again, and that was only if he stayed true to his timetable. He had wanted to ask Sam what he had found out about the sniper. They needed a break in this case, they had no leads but he couldn't bring himself to raise the issue. If they had more time… time … there was never enough time.
So Greg placed a comforting hand on Sam's shoulder and prayed with the rest of them that Sam would not have to endure another loss in his life.
"How did SIU go?" Greg asked his tactical officer, knowing SIU interrogations were hard for everyone to deal with.
"Not good; Leah was still there when I left. The press will have a field day with this - two teenagers shot to death by SRU" Ed replied. He could only imagine how the story was going to be played out in the papers.
The two officers noticed a doctor walk over to Sam, he spoke quietly; no-one except Spike could hear what he was saying. Sam got up from his seat and followed the doctor down the corridor.
"Spike?"
"He just asked Sam to go with him; Boss, this doesn't look good".
Sam realized his palms were sweating and rubbed them on his pants as he followed the doctor down the corridor. He wanted to scream at him JUST TELL ME IF SHE IS DEAD, but he couldn't. Every step he took he came closer to knowing and then there would be no going back; no turning back time or retracing steps back to the waiting area. Bravery is a funny thing; Sam could enter a building rigged to explode without a second thought, but following the doctor down the corridor was one of hardest things he has ever done. He wanted to turn and run, and keep on running because if she's gone he knew it would be a loss he couldn't bear - and he wouldn't live in a world without her.
Leah arrived shortly after. Her face told a story of an intense interrogation, one she would not want to repeat; the day's events had cut deeply to her core. She looked over to Ed and without a word spoken between them, acknowledged what each had been through over the past three hours. No one on the team would willingly take a life, but ending the life of someone so young was especially difficult. She had endured hours of endless questions and insinuations and now she was here at the hospital to find out if she was going to lose her friend and teammate because her reaction time just wasn't fast enough.
The doctor took Sam to a much smaller waiting room with chairs far more comfortable than the ones he had previously been sitting on.
The doctor motioned for Sam to sit and Sam obliged and waited for the news which would save or destroy him. "Your wife is out of surgery". Sam finally exhaled a breath he had been holding for the longest time. "She lost a fair amount of blood, but the bullet didn't do as much damage as we first feared. She will be very sore for a while and will need to be with us for at least two weeks; she is also going to need some physiotherapy, but I anticipate your wife will make a complete recovery. Unfortunately" the doctor stopped briefly "I am sorry to have to tell you, however, the baby she was carrying did not survive."
Sam sat staring at the doctor unable to speak. His mind had a thousand questions, but he could barely breathe and waited for the doctor to continue.
The doctor's face softened. He had been in this position a hundred times and it never became easy. "I am sorry I know this wasn't the news you was hoping for. However, your wife's injuries will not prevent her from conceiving in the future, but I do suggest you wait at least four months before trying for another baby".
"Does Jules know?" Sam finally managed to speak his voice cracking with the sobs trying to escape from the back of his throat.
"She does."
"Can I see her?"
"By all means, but we are moving her from recovery shortly. If you go back to the waiting area, I'll send someone to find you when you can see her."
Sam walked down the corridor back to the waiting area and his team who would be there waiting patiently for news. Sam felt a sense of relief; when he had walked down this same corridor not fifteen minutes before, he was sure she was dead; that he had lost her. Yet, his relief was masked by a deep inner sadness for their baby. Sam stopped, leant against the wall and sobbed uncontrollable tears for their baby, who had been unplanned and completely unexpected, but so loved and so wanted: In the blink of an eye happiness stripped from them.
Spike was pacing, he had been unable to focus on anything since the doctor had led Sam to another room; it doesn't usually happen that way and he should know, he had been in the waiting room of this very hospital many times before, patiently waiting for news of his teammates. Jules, Ed and Sam had all been here before and each time someone had come and let them know their condition. He didn't want to think what it could mean, but he couldn't think about anything else.
"Boss, is there anyone we could ask about Jules; Sam has been gone for a while" Spike asked becoming more concerned as he watched the second hand move around the clock on the wall opposite him for the twenty-fifth time since Sam had left with the doctor.
Greg walked over to his technical officer "try and be patient Spike, we will know soon enough".
They only had to wait for another minute as they saw Sam heading towards them.
Spike looked at the face of his friend and his heart sank.
Jules was lying in the bed and staring at the ceiling. She didn't feel the pain from the surgery; but she wished she did. Maybe then she wouldn't feel the pain of knowing what she had done.. Tears were falling and dropping on to the pillow. How could she have been so stupid, so reckless with their unborn child. She had broken her promise and now she has lost the baby and Sam. She couldn't face him now, knowing the hurt she had caused. Jules felt her tummy and the dressing covering the wound. "I'm so sorry little one, I'm sorry I didn't protect you". Her crying intensified and the pain in her heart became unbearable. Jules didn't want to be awake, but even sleep wasn't a release; dreams so vivid of her baby alive and safe in her arms, that when she woke she would instinctively look around for the crib. She wanted to scream and she wanted Sam to hold her and take away the pain.
A nurse walked in and tried to soothe Jules. "You need to try and calm down Julianna; your blood pressure is too high; I'm going to have to give you something to settle you; once we have moved you to your room you can see your husband."
"I don't want to see him; please I don't want to see anyone - I just want to sleep".
"OK, I will let Dr. Westlake know; try and rest I will be back in a moment with some medication and you can sleep".
San entered the waiting room; everyone looking at him desperate for news. "She's OK - they are moving her from recovery and then we can see her." He saw the relief on their faces as each had exhaled simultaneously.
Greg moved toward his young officer "Sit down Sam, you look terrible". He placed his hand across Sam's back and led him to the seating area. Greg turned to the others "Can you give us a minute guys?"
Spike and Leah looked confused, but Ed knew why Greg had asked them to leave. "We'll grab some coffees - do you want anything Sam?"
"No, I'm good thanks Ed".
As soon as the others had disappeared Greg sat next to Sam "and the baby, Sam?"
Sam couldn't speak, he just shook his head. Greg embraced him and let his officer cry into his shoulder. "It will be OK Sam, it will just take time … does Jules know?"
Sam composed himself a little enough to tell him that the doctors had already told her. Greg was still comforting Sam when the others returned. Ed looked over at Greg and silently asked the same question; Greg shook his head and Ed uttered a quiet "Oh God."
Spike looked at the scene - he wasn't stupid; there was something seriously wrong. "Ed, what's going on?"
Ed needed to tell Spike and Leah, but didn't want to do it in front of Sam. He motioned for both of them to follow him as he walked down the corridor. "Jules" Ed began but was finding it difficult to find the words "Jules was pregnant, she and Sam had found out earlier in the week".
"Was, as in no more?" Spike asked but not really wanting to know the answer.
"Was, as in she lost the baby, yes Spike".
Spike leant against the wall for support; he wanted to speak to say how fucked up this whole week was, but he didn't; he stayed silent. Leah had raced off; desperately searching for a ladies room and when she did she placed her hands on the basin and watched her tears fall into it.
And when everyone had returned to the waiting area, silence and sadness filled the room.
Another hour had passed when the same doctor walked through the doors. "Julianna has been moved to her room, she is comfortable. I am sorry; she has requested no visitors for the time being. I suggest, therefore, you all go home and get some rest and come back in the morning."
"No, I am not leaving until I see my wife" Sam protested. She wouldn't do this to him. She would know how desperate he would be to see her to make sure for himself she was OK.
"I'm afraid I am under strict instructions; she does not want to see anyone today. Just give her time to come to terms with her situation and I am sure she will agree to visitors tomorrow."
Greg looked over at Sam, he looked lost and confused but Greg understood what Jules was doing. She couldn't face him; she thought he would blame her. He walked over to the doctor and quietly told him he was Julianna's commanding officer and needed to speak to her briefly about the incident. The doctor complied with Greg's request and showed him to her room. Before he left the doctor warned Greg to make his visit brief and not to upset her in any way.
Greg walked quietly into her room. "Jules" he said softly and watched as she slowly open her eyes.
"Boss" Jules was surprised to see Greg standing by her bed, she shifted slightly, uncomfortable with him being there, but she didn't say, she had far too much respect for her Sergeant.
"How are you feeling?"
"A little sore, but other than that OK, I guess" She replied, nervously tidying her hair.
"Jules, I am so sorry this happened to you and … and the baby".
"That's life, I suppose" Jules replied. She just needed to keep it together until he left.
Greg saw the tears well up in her chocolate brown eyes and although she had tried to keep her tone upbeat, he wasn't fooled for a second. He took her hand in his and gently stroked the back of her hand with his thumb.
"I know what happened to you was awful, but Sam is suffering too and you refusing to see him is destroying him." Greg paused and as gently as he could added "it was his baby too".
"I can't; I've ruined everything and he will never forgive me".
"Jules, you know Sam would never blame you. He just wants to know you are OK. Don't add to his hurt, Jules, see him, talk to him that is the only way you will both survive this. "Greg kissed her softly on her forehead. As Greg walked towards the door, Jules called after him. "Boss, tell Sam I want to see him please".
"Will do Jules, you just hurry up and get better, the SRU is not the same without you".
Jules held her breath as Sam walked over to her bed.
"How are you sweetheart? You had me so worried - I thought I had lost you". His words were soft and gentle and she saw the sadness in his eyes.
"Sam I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. I should have told Greg about the baby and now it's too late.
"Sweetheart you were doing your job and you were trying to help a young girl. You cannot blame yourself; this was not your fault."
Jules turned her face away from Sam - she couldn't look at him; how could he love her now knowing what she had done - She had lost them both in one stupid, irresponsible act. Tears were falling; and the more she wiped them away the more they fell.. Sam touched her face and moved it gently to face him "there will be other babies Jules; we will have a hockey team; just you wait and see". But Jules wasn't listening and she turned her head away again.
Did she not understand, he could never blame her? He had been plagued by guilt and blame all his life. It had ravaged his soul and then he had met her and she had saved him. He will not let the same happen to her.
"Jules, you have to listen to me; I do not forgive you simply because there is nothing to forgive. We lost our baby Jules and it was not your fault; it's just life and sometimes life is crap. You can't walk away from what we have because of this. I love you Jules and I will not let you destroy us". He kissed her on the mouth, a sweet, tender kiss. He tasted the saltiness of her tears on his tongue. "The only thing that would destroy me, sweetheart, was if I lost you".
Jules finally knew he didn't blame her, would never blame her and maybe in time they would be able to move on from this; she just had to learn to forgive herself and that could take a little longer.
Chapter 7 will be up soon. I hope I didn't disappoint with this chapter. Review please if you feel it is worthy of your time. I apologize to everyone who didn't like it.
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